Rose56

Hi folks, I am feeling a bit sad this morning. Yesterday when I got home from work my husband was not there. Soon he drove up. I told myself to just let it go and not say anything. But I couldn't, I asked him where he was. He was in a bar networking for a new job! He doesn't see how crazy that is, like the people sitting in a bar in the middle of the afternoon are successful enough to be able to get him a good job? I just wanted to say that I knew I was doing the wrong thing and I just kept going anyway. It is such a habit I guess. But after about 10 minutes I did leave the house and went to the library. So here's the thing: I am treating him badly. Emotional abuse even, telling him that he is a failure again and again. I would'nt wish me on my worse enemy. I am embarrassed and humiliated. But I can't seem to stop. I still want to try to fix the situation and get things back to good. I know that maybe I will have to leave him because the relationship is hopeless, but how will I fix me? How did I become such a mean old bitch? Selfrightous bitch even.
I spoke with a friend and she said that I always view myself as being defective and needing fixing. Maybe I could just say this is a good as I get. I don't know, my husband does that. "I am who I am". I feel like that is givng up. I guess I'm not any good at acceptance. Sorry for the long note.

Ann

Hi Rose

First "their" behaviour drives us crazy. Then "our" behaviour drives us crazy. Codependency is a crazy disease.

You can't "fix" him, but you can work on yourself by going to Al-Anon meetings and finding someone to help you work through the steps. The 12-steps are a wonderful way of learning to relive our lives in a healthy way. It is difficult to work them alone. Having someone work with you to discuss what each one means and suggest things to do to understand and accept them, is so much better.

If you really feel bad about your behaviour, apologize and then let it go, regardless of his reaction to your apology. That is called "making amends" and is part of the step work.

And don't be too hard on yourself. None of us are perfect and it is all about baby-steps. And at least you recognize that there is something wrong about how you are feeling.

Have a great day Rose. And don't forget to do something nice for yourself.

Ann

P.S. I brought a link about working the steps to the top. Take a read-through and print out some of the things that might help.

JT

Rose,

You are at the beginning...the 3 A' are awareness, acceptance and then action. You are aware...that is a step.

Could it be that you feel that if you don't say anything that you are silently giving approval? That is not the case. He knows how you feel...you have told him often enough, that if you never said it again he would still know. Saying nothing will throw a monkey wrench into his world.

Another helpful thing would be perhaps to look at it this way. When you give him hell...he feels justified in sitting in the bar...after all why would he want to go home? He can place the blame on you instead of where it belongs. If you give him no reason...he has nowhere to look except inside.

Rose56

Thanks, I will try to ask someone to be my sponser at the meeting at lunch. I don't know what I am afraid of, but I have put it off. Ah this is an action I can take, I think.

helluvagalnva

That's ok Rose. I have put off getting a sponser too! I decided last night that I also need a sponser to help me work the steps. I can't seem to do it on my own. I'm going to a Meeting next Tuesday that has babysitting so hopefully there will be some people there that have children as young as mine that can relate to me and my situation. After doing this I'm going to get a sponser.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah I know easier said then done. I'm my own worst critic. Try not to dwell on it too much. There is no point in worrying about what you said. What's said is said and you can't change it now so apologize and let it go.

I was the same way. I would tell myself not to say anything when he came home drunk but i don't know - i would lose it anyway. Since I've removed myself from the day to day chaos, I feel alot better. I still have serious problems but they are about ME not the A. I have accepted the reality that he is an alcoholic and nothing I can do or say that's going to change that. I've decided for myself that I am not going to live my life like that any longer. If he wants to ruin his life then so be it - me and the kids aren't going down with him!!!!!

If you are feeling so out of control - have you considered separating? You might find some peace not having it shoved in your face every day. The fear of the unknown was my biggest fear. Could that be why you've stayed? I know you love your husband. Walking away sometimes doesn't mean that you don't love them it just means that you
love yourself more.

Take care of yourself and do as JT said "Do something nice for yourself TODAY"

Love,
Galnva

Morning Glory

I do what you do because I have held my anger in for so long trying to be nice to the person. I finally got my anger out at my son a couple of months ago and I haven't been picking him apart.

I think it's bottled up anger that causes this and a feeling of being responsible for the other person. Helpless responsibility drives a person crazy. You feel responsible and can't do anything about it.

I was the same way with my mother. I got my anger out with her and she finally listened and I haven't been picking her apart either.

You are not a bitch. You are angry and have every reason to be angry. The hard part is detaching enough so things don't make you angry anymore.

Hugs,

MG