Circular Codie around and around and around...
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Circular Codie around and around and around...
Hi everyone!
Does anyone else get stuck on an issue and that is all you can talk about?
Last night I tried to talk to RAH about the lack of intimacy (again - like a Codie of course). My RAH said, "We have talked about this 4 times in the last 4 weeks. I won't rehash the usual issue....but we can see I am just circling the drain trying to tell RAH I need some physical validation and he does not get it.
Then this morning as I was making coffee I had this flash back of me driving him nuts about an engagement ring. Just drove him crazy. I drove myself crazy bc I was so hung up on it. I mean, it was going to happen. We looked at rings together and we were crazy in love. Just sickeningly giving off love chemicals. But I could not let the upcoming engagement just flow on its own terms! Why? Because my parents told me he was going to transfer and dump me. That I needed some formal agreement (a ring) before he moved. I let their low value of me work me up into a Codie episode of epic proportions. I sat there watching the coffee fill the pot. F those parents of mine. F that I was young and no one slapped me on the head with a Codie book...
Validation - again. I am musing, now what? At least now when I get obsessive I know something is wrong with me... I probably am in a situation where I am not getting my needs met! Ta Da!
Does anyone else get stuck on an issue and that is all you can talk about?
Last night I tried to talk to RAH about the lack of intimacy (again - like a Codie of course). My RAH said, "We have talked about this 4 times in the last 4 weeks. I won't rehash the usual issue....but we can see I am just circling the drain trying to tell RAH I need some physical validation and he does not get it.
Then this morning as I was making coffee I had this flash back of me driving him nuts about an engagement ring. Just drove him crazy. I drove myself crazy bc I was so hung up on it. I mean, it was going to happen. We looked at rings together and we were crazy in love. Just sickeningly giving off love chemicals. But I could not let the upcoming engagement just flow on its own terms! Why? Because my parents told me he was going to transfer and dump me. That I needed some formal agreement (a ring) before he moved. I let their low value of me work me up into a Codie episode of epic proportions. I sat there watching the coffee fill the pot. F those parents of mine. F that I was young and no one slapped me on the head with a Codie book...
Validation - again. I am musing, now what? At least now when I get obsessive I know something is wrong with me... I probably am in a situation where I am not getting my needs met! Ta Da!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Hi everyone!
Does anyone else get stuck on an issue and that is all you can talk about?
Last night I tried to talk to RAH about the lack of intimacy (again - like a Codie of course). My RAH said, "We have talked about this 4 times in the last 4 weeks. I won't rehash the usual issue....but we can see I am just circling the drain trying to tell RAH I need some physical validation and he does not get it.
Then this morning as I was making coffee I had this flash back of me driving him nuts about an engagement ring. Just drove him crazy. I drove myself crazy bc I was so hung up on it. I mean, it was going to happen. We looked at rings together and we were crazy in love. Just sickeningly giving off love chemicals. But I could not let the upcoming engagement just flow on its own terms! Why? Because my parents told me he was going to transfer and dump me. That I needed some formal agreement (a ring) before he moved. I let their low value of me work me up into a Codie episode of epic proportions. I sat there watching the coffee fill the pot. F those parents of mine. F that I was young and no one slapped me on the head with a Codie book...
Validation - again. I am musing, now what? At least now when I get obsessive I know something is wrong with me... I probably am in a situation where I am not getting my needs met! Ta Da!
Does anyone else get stuck on an issue and that is all you can talk about?
Last night I tried to talk to RAH about the lack of intimacy (again - like a Codie of course). My RAH said, "We have talked about this 4 times in the last 4 weeks. I won't rehash the usual issue....but we can see I am just circling the drain trying to tell RAH I need some physical validation and he does not get it.
Then this morning as I was making coffee I had this flash back of me driving him nuts about an engagement ring. Just drove him crazy. I drove myself crazy bc I was so hung up on it. I mean, it was going to happen. We looked at rings together and we were crazy in love. Just sickeningly giving off love chemicals. But I could not let the upcoming engagement just flow on its own terms! Why? Because my parents told me he was going to transfer and dump me. That I needed some formal agreement (a ring) before he moved. I let their low value of me work me up into a Codie episode of epic proportions. I sat there watching the coffee fill the pot. F those parents of mine. F that I was young and no one slapped me on the head with a Codie book...
Validation - again. I am musing, now what? At least now when I get obsessive I know something is wrong with me... I probably am in a situation where I am not getting my needs met! Ta Da!
bingo!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Hummm I think and this is just me . . . But timing is a big thing to talk about anything and everything. The more I forced something the worse it got for me because I was the one left empty handed and didn't know how to cope.
It's nice when you finally have Ta Da moments. Keep meditating and reading.
It's nice when you finally have Ta Da moments. Keep meditating and reading.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
In my books, engagement rings, and physical and emotional intimacy are all markers of "normal".
To me it seems like you keep asking your rah why things can't be "normal" and why he doesn't "hear" you.
I remember myself trying to push others towards "normal" when deep down I knew things weren't normal, but people kept telling me otherwise.
Having an addict in my life taught me to honor my feelings and intuition- when I smell smoke there's a good chance that my house is on my fire, and just because someone tells me he's sick of discussing my concerns won't "erase" my need for some firefighters.
What I'm trying to say is that I think your needs are valid. I agree that time is crucial for bringing up and discussing needs, but when needs have been discussed several times, yet go unnoticed or are put down it might be time for another discussion - with ourselves (is this really what this is all about, or is this issue just a "cover-up" issue for something else that's bugging me) or our partners.
To me it seems like you keep asking your rah why things can't be "normal" and why he doesn't "hear" you.
I remember myself trying to push others towards "normal" when deep down I knew things weren't normal, but people kept telling me otherwise.
Having an addict in my life taught me to honor my feelings and intuition- when I smell smoke there's a good chance that my house is on my fire, and just because someone tells me he's sick of discussing my concerns won't "erase" my need for some firefighters.
What I'm trying to say is that I think your needs are valid. I agree that time is crucial for bringing up and discussing needs, but when needs have been discussed several times, yet go unnoticed or are put down it might be time for another discussion - with ourselves (is this really what this is all about, or is this issue just a "cover-up" issue for something else that's bugging me) or our partners.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
I don't think it is Codie to want to be intimate with our husbands or to talk about it with him. IMO, it would be very Codie-like to deny there is a problem.
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And here is my troubles with communication. Basically it is not working! This is from 3/12/14 not sure how people quote so nicely here!?
Originally Posted by CodeJob
CodeJob's Communication 10 Rules Learned the Hard Way
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
A+
Hammer adder:
11. When "helpful" In-laws "suggest" that YOU need to "work on communication" with qualifier, ask the In-law how that is working for THEM. (Gets real quiet then).
I just think these are funny and had to copy them. I have extremely limited experience but our counselor led the pace and the depth of inquiry for both sessions we had. Of course you can tell from my list it did not go well. Is your A so confident he is not an A that he would start off using offense for his defense?
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CodeJob
No one wants advice only corroboration. - Steinbeck
Originally Posted by CodeJob
CodeJob's Communication 10 Rules Learned the Hard Way
1. When you get home from individual counseling or other supportive programming do not tell qualifier all about it. Take communication hint from pre-teens. Any inquiry can be answered with "Fine."
2. If by chance you actually get qualifer to counseling, do not laugh and roll eyes at qalifier when their denial is blatant.
3. Close mouth when qualifier tells you he is not an A and only he can decide that he is or not.
4. Do not talk to qualifier before bed.
5. Do not talk to qualifier when you are supposed to be having pleasant time together.
6. Do not talk to qualifier before or after work.
7. Do not talk to qualifier by text or email.
8. If it is the weekend, do not talk to qualifier around offspring's ears.
9. Do not talk to qualifier by writing a letter or note.
10. Do not hit qualifer in arm during church homilies when subject is pertinent.
A+
Hammer adder:
11. When "helpful" In-laws "suggest" that YOU need to "work on communication" with qualifier, ask the In-law how that is working for THEM. (Gets real quiet then).
I just think these are funny and had to copy them. I have extremely limited experience but our counselor led the pace and the depth of inquiry for both sessions we had. Of course you can tell from my list it did not go well. Is your A so confident he is not an A that he would start off using offense for his defense?
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CodeJob
No one wants advice only corroboration. - Steinbeck
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I think it is normal to expect intimacy from your partner and it is normal to ask questions when there is no intimacy. Tiptoeing around is certainly not normal. I used to have huge intimacy problems with my husband (well, still there is no intimacy, but I found better things to do that make me happy and that do not involve him) who withdraws intimacy and even simple everyday communication. And, oh boy, did I try to talk. And you know what he says? "Have you done talking?"
So, I do not think it is "physical validation." It is just dealing with a schmuck.
So, I do not think it is "physical validation." It is just dealing with a schmuck.
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I think you might be beating a dead horse with the intimacy stuff with him. I did the same thing with the engagement ring. I justified my full court press tactics because we had already been together for 6 years at that time. I should have just cut bait and said if it I let him go and he's meant to be my husband he'll see what I need, which would have been that commitment and give it to me. I pressured him into it though.
I think talking about intimacy, yes, that is normal. Forcing the issue repeatedly, is controlling or codependent. Either way. You want to jump his bones. He knows this. He knows you NEED this from him and he's still holding out. Either he's being passive aggressive and controlling you with this or something else is happening here. IMO anyway. It's clear that this is a sticking point for you and rightfully so.
I think talking about intimacy, yes, that is normal. Forcing the issue repeatedly, is controlling or codependent. Either way. You want to jump his bones. He knows this. He knows you NEED this from him and he's still holding out. Either he's being passive aggressive and controlling you with this or something else is happening here. IMO anyway. It's clear that this is a sticking point for you and rightfully so.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
I am musing, now what? At least now when I get obsessive I know something is wrong with me... I probably am in a situation where I am not getting my needs met! Ta Da!
So, I have a question for you CJ. After following your threads on this issue over the last few weeks I have wondered what I would feel like in your shoes. What happens if your RAH "gives in" & just decides to give you the intimacy that you want physically but still can't engage emotionally? Would that make you feel even more rejected? Speaking strictly for myself, if I have to throw myself at RAH for this kind of attention, it isn't the same as receiving it unsolicited so it wouldn't mean anything more than him doing it "because I said so". I imagine that while I was hoping to feel satisfied, instead I would feel empty & unfulfilled.
Sex absolutely has value on it's own as a physical connection & there are times when it's just an act. But between long-term partners & especially in the face of healing a broken relationship, I would think it would be more important to have that connection between you emotionally, not just the physical. Am I way off base here or have you considered this already?
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Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by FireSprite
This sounds like a pretty solid breakthrough for you, woohoo!
So, I have a question for you CJ. After following your threads on this issue over the last few weeks I have wondered what I would feel like in your shoes. What happens if your RAH "gives in" & just decides to give you the intimacy that you want physically but still can't engage emotionally? Would that make you feel even more rejected? Speaking strictly for myself, if I have to throw myself at RAH for this kind of attention, it isn't the same as receiving it unsolicited so it wouldn't mean anything more than him doing it "because I said so". I imagine that while I was hoping to feel satisfied, instead I would feel empty & unfulfilled.
Sex absolutely has value on it's own as a physical connection & there are times when it's just an act. But between long-term partners & especially in the face of healing a broken relationship, I would think it would be more important to have that connection between you emotionally, not just the physical. Am I way off base here or have you considered this already?
So, I have a question for you CJ. After following your threads on this issue over the last few weeks I have wondered what I would feel like in your shoes. What happens if your RAH "gives in" & just decides to give you the intimacy that you want physically but still can't engage emotionally? Would that make you feel even more rejected? Speaking strictly for myself, if I have to throw myself at RAH for this kind of attention, it isn't the same as receiving it unsolicited so it wouldn't mean anything more than him doing it "because I said so". I imagine that while I was hoping to feel satisfied, instead I would feel empty & unfulfilled.
Sex absolutely has value on it's own as a physical connection & there are times when it's just an act. But between long-term partners & especially in the face of healing a broken relationship, I would think it would be more important to have that connection between you emotionally, not just the physical. Am I way off base here or have you considered this already?
And, that has been our biggest problem. No matter how hard I try to put myself in his shoes, I can't seem to come around on this issue. I'm sorry for anybody in this situation because it's not pleasant no matter which side you're on.
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Hello everyone, thanks for your more objective view points. I agree my reaction is codie. I need to cut beating this 'dead horse.' Love the word Schmuck too Healthy Again.
Thanks Stung, this makes a lot of sense to me!
Firesprite, I think this is what I need to grasp:
"What happens if your RAH "gives in" & just decides to give you the intimacy that you want physically but still can't engage emotionally? Would that make you feel even more rejected? Speaking strictly for myself, if I have to throw myself at RAH for this kind of attention, it isn't the same as receiving it unsolicited so it wouldn't mean anything more than him doing it "because I said so". I imagine that while I was hoping to feel satisfied, instead I would feel empty & unfulfilled.
Sex absolutely has value on it's own as a physical connection & there are times when it's just an act. But between long-term partners & especially in the face of healing a broken relationship, I would think it would be more important to have that connection between you emotionally, not just the physical. Am I way off base here or have you considered this already?"
No I have NOT thought about this from this angle! I have managed to tell RAH that I am lonely in our marriage and we have argued gently a bit. He sent me a text last week, "Contrary to your belief, I do love you..." But then why do I feel so unloved? I do need an emotional connection. I do think he is just being a --- dead horse schmuck!
Thinking about it from this angle makes me see my situation with a bit more clarity. Tme to think about a few things...
Originally Posted by Stung
Forcing the issue repeatedly, is controlling or codependent. Either way. You want to jump his bones. He knows this. He knows you NEED this from him and he's still holding out. Either he's being passive aggressive and controlling you with this or something else is happening here. IMO anyway. It's clear that this is a sticking point for you and rightfully so.
Firesprite, I think this is what I need to grasp:
"What happens if your RAH "gives in" & just decides to give you the intimacy that you want physically but still can't engage emotionally? Would that make you feel even more rejected? Speaking strictly for myself, if I have to throw myself at RAH for this kind of attention, it isn't the same as receiving it unsolicited so it wouldn't mean anything more than him doing it "because I said so". I imagine that while I was hoping to feel satisfied, instead I would feel empty & unfulfilled.
Sex absolutely has value on it's own as a physical connection & there are times when it's just an act. But between long-term partners & especially in the face of healing a broken relationship, I would think it would be more important to have that connection between you emotionally, not just the physical. Am I way off base here or have you considered this already?"
No I have NOT thought about this from this angle! I have managed to tell RAH that I am lonely in our marriage and we have argued gently a bit. He sent me a text last week, "Contrary to your belief, I do love you..." But then why do I feel so unloved? I do need an emotional connection. I do think he is just being a --- dead horse schmuck!
Thinking about it from this angle makes me see my situation with a bit more clarity. Tme to think about a few things...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Intimacy and Affection can take a lot of different shapes and flavors and be about as far from the act of sex as you can get. It might be worth exploring what IS it specifically that you think you NEED and are not getting.
Take the statement I'm Hungry. does this mean - I haven't eaten in four days and REALLY NEED nourishment now? or does it mean it's almost dinner time and you are looking forward to the meal? does it mean you're feeing kinda "snacky"? would just any ole bit of food do OR do you have a very specific menu in mind and NOTHING else will satisfy? and in that statement of I'm Hungry...do you expect someone else to not only KNOW what you want and what you mean, but to also prepare and serve - or are you willing to get it yourself?
my daughter when she was about two would stand in the kitchen with her empty cup, hold it over her head and to no one in particular say: Sumpting to Dwink? she said this with absolute faith and conviction that SOMEONE would take her cup, fill it and give it back to her pretty much instantaneously. meet her needs and wants. and it wouldn't be no dang water either!!! LOL
so.......if your cup is in the air, do you know what you want to fill it? do you KNOW what you are truly HUNGRY for? and why do i always use food metaphors?????
Take the statement I'm Hungry. does this mean - I haven't eaten in four days and REALLY NEED nourishment now? or does it mean it's almost dinner time and you are looking forward to the meal? does it mean you're feeing kinda "snacky"? would just any ole bit of food do OR do you have a very specific menu in mind and NOTHING else will satisfy? and in that statement of I'm Hungry...do you expect someone else to not only KNOW what you want and what you mean, but to also prepare and serve - or are you willing to get it yourself?
my daughter when she was about two would stand in the kitchen with her empty cup, hold it over her head and to no one in particular say: Sumpting to Dwink? she said this with absolute faith and conviction that SOMEONE would take her cup, fill it and give it back to her pretty much instantaneously. meet her needs and wants. and it wouldn't be no dang water either!!! LOL
so.......if your cup is in the air, do you know what you want to fill it? do you KNOW what you are truly HUNGRY for? and why do i always use food metaphors?????
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