I Would Highly Recommend.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I Would Highly Recommend.....
I have been reading the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan Elliot. I would highly recommend it.
Although many of her suggestions I have read here, the book goes into greater details in specific areas. She explains why no contact is necessary. Journaling, gratitude lists, positive affirmations and acceptance statements are great healing tools.
She is a very well educated, compassionate woman. She is an author, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor, attorney, and a big 12 step group supporter. Yes, she knows codependency is a very real thing.
Anyway, just wanted to share for those experiencing the pain of a breakup.
For those of us who ask Why?? How?? When?? Her mantra is "doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter". I have been tempted to post that on a few different threads but I didn't want to appear rude.
But it is so true....it really doesn't matter......doesn't matter, doesn't matter. 
Although many of her suggestions I have read here, the book goes into greater details in specific areas. She explains why no contact is necessary. Journaling, gratitude lists, positive affirmations and acceptance statements are great healing tools.
She is a very well educated, compassionate woman. She is an author, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor, attorney, and a big 12 step group supporter. Yes, she knows codependency is a very real thing.
Anyway, just wanted to share for those experiencing the pain of a breakup.
For those of us who ask Why?? How?? When?? Her mantra is "doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter". I have been tempted to post that on a few different threads but I didn't want to appear rude.
But it is so true....it really doesn't matter......doesn't matter, doesn't matter. 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sounds like a good books, LMN, Melody Beattie is another one who understands reaching the point of "doesn't matter".
I have not experienced a marital breakup but something I notice is that the healthiest ones have a pattern. Once the "problem" has been assessed, analyzed, acknowledged and accepted (however sadly) and it is clear that the relationship has become a facade, no longer resembling the loving togetherness that once was but is no more...the "solution" becomes clear and even a relief.
I have watched you go through the process and admire the courage it has taken for you, and others here, to make the transition from victim to survivor.
Once all is said and done, it really "doesn't matter" why, or how, or when, or what the active addict is doing, what matters is finding peace and a healthy way to live, regardless of how they choose to live their lives.
Hugs
I have not experienced a marital breakup but something I notice is that the healthiest ones have a pattern. Once the "problem" has been assessed, analyzed, acknowledged and accepted (however sadly) and it is clear that the relationship has become a facade, no longer resembling the loving togetherness that once was but is no more...the "solution" becomes clear and even a relief.
I have watched you go through the process and admire the courage it has taken for you, and others here, to make the transition from victim to survivor.
Once all is said and done, it really "doesn't matter" why, or how, or when, or what the active addict is doing, what matters is finding peace and a healthy way to live, regardless of how they choose to live their lives.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I have been reading the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan Elliot. I would highly recommend it.
Although many of her suggestions I have read here, the book goes into greater details in specific areas. She explains why no contact is necessary. Journaling, gratitude lists, positive affirmations and acceptance statements are great healing tools.
She is a very well educated, compassionate woman. She is an author, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor, attorney, and a big 12 step group supporter. Yes, she knows codependency is a very real thing.
Anyway, just wanted to share for those experiencing the pain of a breakup.
For those of us who ask Why?? How?? When?? Her mantra is "doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter". I have been tempted to post that on a few different threads but I didn't want to appear rude. But it is so true....it really doesn't matter......doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
Although many of her suggestions I have read here, the book goes into greater details in specific areas. She explains why no contact is necessary. Journaling, gratitude lists, positive affirmations and acceptance statements are great healing tools.
She is a very well educated, compassionate woman. She is an author, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor, attorney, and a big 12 step group supporter. Yes, she knows codependency is a very real thing.
Anyway, just wanted to share for those experiencing the pain of a breakup.
For those of us who ask Why?? How?? When?? Her mantra is "doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter". I have been tempted to post that on a few different threads but I didn't want to appear rude.
But it is so true....it really doesn't matter......doesn't matter, doesn't matter. 
I'm going to check out this book! I so need it. I was in a codep relationship that was on and off in the later years for 8 years. He became a closet meth user. We both drank and smoked a lot of pot. Now I am sober. He just had a baby with someone else. One year ago I put him out and was busy teaching. Good distraction. That job ended and now the last few months I have been back stuck on the 'why/how,' blah blah blah. He has come over to get a few of his things he left behind and I can see that NOT having contact is necessary. Him telling me about his new exciting baby and me fantasizing about his new life, one that I wanted to have with him is SICK!
I am so sick of it
I am getting this book tomorrow. There is no hope for mending, so I hope it is some good slap therapy reading, unlike the other reader's comment.
I know everyone is in a different place, but I am so glad I clicked on this thread. Thank-you!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by sunriseshell
I'm going to check out this book! I so need it. I was in a codep relationship that was on and off in the later years for 8 years. He became a closet meth user. We both drank and smoked a lot of pot. Now I am sober. He just had a baby with someone else. One year ago I put him out and was busy teaching. Good distraction. That job ended and now the last few months I have been back stuck on the 'why/how,' blah blah blah. He has come over to get a few of his things he left behind and I can see that NOT having contact is necessary. Him telling me about his new exciting baby and me fantasizing about his new life, one that I wanted to have with him is SICK!
I am so sick of it
I am getting this book tomorrow. There is no hope for mending, so I hope it is some good slap therapy reading, unlike the other reader's comment.
I know everyone is in a different place, but I am so glad I clicked on this thread. Thank-you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
LoveMeNow - I'm in a constant cycle of learning... and not wanting or willing or going to go back to how crazy my life was when my husband became and active addict again. I have been through the cycles. Clean - sober - clean.. sober... and it's exhausting.
We all have to remember that addiction does have the power to make us all miserable if we allow it in our lives. I would like to believe that I would have your strength to leave if my husband went back to what he use to do. Many times I prayed for strength to leave. Times I have. Yet, I have always gone back. I don't think that i'm better, stronger, more stupid... or whatever. It's my journey. Everyone has there own. I wish you many many many happy days. If the book helps that's great!!
I'm glad that you are finding good things to comfort you during such a hard time.
I would hope that if I decided to make that decision people would be as supportive to me. You just never know if addiction will ruin/kill the relationship. I would like to hope mine can be saved... but I really don't know that.. do I?
I really F'ing hate drugs
We all have to remember that addiction does have the power to make us all miserable if we allow it in our lives. I would like to believe that I would have your strength to leave if my husband went back to what he use to do. Many times I prayed for strength to leave. Times I have. Yet, I have always gone back. I don't think that i'm better, stronger, more stupid... or whatever. It's my journey. Everyone has there own. I wish you many many many happy days. If the book helps that's great!!
I'm glad that you are finding good things to comfort you during such a hard time.
I would hope that if I decided to make that decision people would be as supportive to me. You just never know if addiction will ruin/kill the relationship. I would like to hope mine can be saved... but I really don't know that.. do I?
I really F'ing hate drugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you KeepinitReal. I appreciate your support. As I have been told and now realize, I had a very low bottom. I gave it my all and it is heartbreaking to know it didn't change a thing. I still love my husband very much, this decision was not easy and I continue to struggle with it. But I know that self care is not selfish. I want peace, joy, trust and sanity in MY life and my relationships because I KNOW I deserve it. I refuse to settle for less. I hope you will too. (((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
When it comes to addiction, I think the unhealthy decision is to stay and try to reconcile. UNLESS YOUR PARTNER HAS CHOSEN RECOVERY AND IS SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
I mean, think about it. You get lied to over and over again; you run the risk of incurring serious debt. You run the risk of serious legal issues (after all, drugs are illegal and if you live with an addict they will be in your home, your car, and God knows where else). You run the risk of having unsavory people pulled into your life, knowing your whereabouts, perhaps threatening / harming you to force your deadbeat addict to pay up. Your children see things that children shouldn't have to see. You end up taking on the burden of someone else's responsibilities, because that person is out getting high. And worst of all, you run the risk of getting your heart broken -- over and over again.
A healthy person would avoid this scenario like the plague. I just can't understand how it could be seen as radical to leave an addict who isn't serious about recovery. And I especially can't understand those who would find ways to insult people who make the decision to leave.
I mean, think about it. You get lied to over and over again; you run the risk of incurring serious debt. You run the risk of serious legal issues (after all, drugs are illegal and if you live with an addict they will be in your home, your car, and God knows where else). You run the risk of having unsavory people pulled into your life, knowing your whereabouts, perhaps threatening / harming you to force your deadbeat addict to pay up. Your children see things that children shouldn't have to see. You end up taking on the burden of someone else's responsibilities, because that person is out getting high. And worst of all, you run the risk of getting your heart broken -- over and over again.
A healthy person would avoid this scenario like the plague. I just can't understand how it could be seen as radical to leave an addict who isn't serious about recovery. And I especially can't understand those who would find ways to insult people who make the decision to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Keeping a journal was my biggest tool. A gratitude list I did as well, helped me to refocus and remember what was important. I also got this thing about not missing anything, especially the little things. It took practice, but basically it was being aware enough to stay out of my own head (what a mess it can be in there if I allow it , lol) and enjoy the moments as they happened and be in the moment, not in my head ... amazing how your view changes, when you change the view.
Hope you are well LMN. Be good to yourself, always!
Hope you are well LMN. Be good to yourself, always!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Bluuechair, you raise good questions.
My answer is, if my partner had cancer and was following treatment instructions, then I would certainly stay. Sickness and death are part of the cycles of life, and to hide them from children, etc., is not healthy.
But if my partner was rejecting all advice from the doctors, carrying on with self-destructive behavior, and this was having an impact / setting a bad example for the rest of the family then I would certainly reconsider how much support I would give.
And it's not at all that I am trying to control their behavior. This is about me. I might not come across as the most compassionate person, but I only get one life, and I am not going to put someone else's sickness first, if they are not doing anything to get better. Let the chips fall where they may.
My answer is, if my partner had cancer and was following treatment instructions, then I would certainly stay. Sickness and death are part of the cycles of life, and to hide them from children, etc., is not healthy.
But if my partner was rejecting all advice from the doctors, carrying on with self-destructive behavior, and this was having an impact / setting a bad example for the rest of the family then I would certainly reconsider how much support I would give.
And it's not at all that I am trying to control their behavior. This is about me. I might not come across as the most compassionate person, but I only get one life, and I am not going to put someone else's sickness first, if they are not doing anything to get better. Let the chips fall where they may.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Needabreak - especially when there are kids involved. The situation living with an addict makes the home a "danger-zone". Well - in my own personal situation.. and I know for many others. (drugs in the home, dealers coming to the house... etc..) Then the addicts have (unintentionally) endangered the whole family.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
There is no way for anyone to know what it's like to have to make this gut wrenching decision until you are in the position where there is just no other choice.
Any and all help to get thru it is appreciated and needed.
Thank you for recommending this book LMN. Just the little bit I have read is helping me.
Any and all help to get thru it is appreciated and needed.
Thank you for recommending this book LMN. Just the little bit I have read is helping me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
thank you for the book recommendation. I'm going to check into her blog/work book as well.
I definitely think that affirmations are so helpful - and staying in gratitude.
Wish that we lived in the same town and could meet for coffee!
I definitely think that affirmations are so helpful - and staying in gratitude.
Wish that we lived in the same town and could meet for coffee!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
What I found interesting about the affirmations was learning how literal the subconscious is.
I had no idea there was a right and wrong way to do affirmations.
From the book "“Remember the characteristics of the subconscious as you are writing and saying affirmations. Your subconscious mind is literal, knows only the present moment, does not understand what isn’t there, and does not understand vague or abstract concepts.”
Coffee? Ok but we will need our Codie bus. Maybe someone here will loan us their private jet!
I had no idea there was a right and wrong way to do affirmations.
From the book "“Remember the characteristics of the subconscious as you are writing and saying affirmations. Your subconscious mind is literal, knows only the present moment, does not understand what isn’t there, and does not understand vague or abstract concepts.”
Coffee? Ok but we will need our Codie bus. Maybe someone here will loan us their private jet!
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