Thinking

I feel that I'm starting to put a distance between me and my A. What I'm struggling with most is those friends who are still concerned for him and expect me to be helping him. They tell me the sad stories of how unwell he is. I find myself feeling guilty and wondering how I can help. I've explained that I need to stay away from him for myself and for my daughter. They still keep expecting. They are part of my social circle so I can't avoid them without losing my own social life. Any suggestions on a stronger form of words to explain it? I don't want to get pulled back in

ResignedToWait

Most importantly, don't get pulled back in, just like you said!

Maybe you can do a polite version of "I'm not in a position to be able to help him whether I wanted to or not, but your concern sounds genuine, maybe you can help him?"

CodeJob

A variety of ways to respond.

Put your hand up in stop sign "Talk to the hand."

Plug your ears and sing "La la la la"

Quack like a duck to answer their concerns.

Every time he comes up grab their hand and say, "Let's say a united prayer to cast the demon drink out of his body and mind."

Try to look like you are floating in monk like peace and drone, "Expectations breed resentments", "Let go and let God", "he has the dignity to make his own choices,."

I am sorry to hear this, but how is your son/daughter?

Oh my. Oh dear. Gosh. Golly. The Gallic shrug.

Every time his name comes up I need to take a shot!

Give them your evil eye and say nothing until they awkwardly change the subject.

Do not answer but completely change the subject or say nothing. Let the silence just streeeeetchhhh.

Yes he really has been an unsuitable mate. Do you know anyone not an addict and single?

KariSue

"I know you are concerned but that subject is off limits, okay?" Look serious and change the subject. If they say something else. "That subject is off limits." They keep trying. "That subject is off limits." and so on. It is called the broken record technique. You don't have to say it mean but just seriously.

Kari

KariSue

I just thought of something else. If one or two of the group "gets it" maybe you could enlist their help. Tell them the problem and ask them for back up when the one who doesn't get it starts in. Your friend might say something like "It makes her uncomfortable when you talk about him so could we talk about something else? sweet smile

Kari

redatlanta

"I can't help him" end of conversation.

P.S. While annoying to be pressured to help him, people who are unfamiliar with addiction just don't get it (lucky them). I appreciate their compassion but they have no idea what they are dealing with.

Pelican

I said: it's very personal and I am not comfortable discussing that with you.

I had very few people push past that statement, but I was also prepared to say:
Maybe you should talk to him about this since it is his addiction.

With time, I came to understand that people who wanted me to stick it out and preserve their image of a happy relationship were putting my Alcoholics happiness over my own. That's not the type of friend I need or want.

Eddiebuckle

"I can't make him want to get healthy."

That may take awhile to sink in for the listener, but it puts the responsibility on the addict/alcoholic where it belongs. Perhaps the concerned friends will hear that and get a glimpse of the paradox - despite all the evidence that they are in a death spiral, the active addict/alcoholic focuses on avoiding consequences, rather than the root cause.

Thinking

Thanks for all the ideas. Loads there that I can try. More importantly, thanks for the support. :-)

dandylion

Thinking, my grandmother had a saying that I heard countless times, growing up. It took care of lots of situations.

"God helps those who help themselves". Then, change the subject.

dandylion

hopeful4

Just be honest. Tell them you helped all you can and there is really nothing else you can do at this point. That you have turned him over to God and realized that unless he wants to help himself it just won't happen.

Also be honest and tell them it is very difficult for you to hear and you would prefer not to talk about it. They will get it eventually.

Mango blast

Some really good suggestions. Bringing my mom to an Alanon meeting was eye opening for her. Even with all I've told her over the years, she doesn't get it. She tries to, but without living with it she just can't understand. Learning more about the disease and possibly going to Alanon could help these friends have a better understanding of what's going on with A and themselves.

FireSprite

Yep, this & I've gone so far as to add "...& if you care about/love ME then you will understand how serious this is & that by repeatedly badgering me with this information you are actually hurting me and that will eventually have an affect on our friendship."

Thinking

It is like we live in a different world and I'm glad they haven't had to be here. When I first joined this forum I had been pretending the bad stuff hadn't happened. Like I hadn't cleaned up pee from round the bedroom etc. Even though what I lived with wasn't as bad as some others that doesn't make it ok for me to live with. Being here and listening to all of you has made me stronger and able to believe I'm worth more than that. I can't thank you all enough.

petmagnet

I agree with hopeful as well. Perhaps you tell them you have tried to help, but at a certain point you realize that you cannot "help" any longer for the sake of your own sanity. The alcoholic has to CHOOSE to help HIMSELF. I have simply stated to my friends and family as well as his family, that I have to let him walk his path and hope it leads to recovery. I cannot forcibly help him, no one can, but I will be here for support and encouragement if he genuinely chooses to try to help himself get well.

hopeful4

I know just what you mean by this. The same thing happened to me. God Bless!

lillamy

Hopeful, I love this advice. See, that's a healthy adult response. I would probably have said something dreadfully mature like "well if you love him so much WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM???"

AnvilheadII

thinking, it's important if we do not wish to have a conversation about certain topics with certain people that we are not also "feeding" the beast!! does that make sense? i couldn't tell from your post whether these updates on your A are completely unsolicited or if you in anyway engaged or brought the topic round to him.

after making sure you aren't contributing TO the problem, you then can establish a boundary that ANY talk about HIM is off limits. no updates, no sad tales, no suggestions of how YOU should conduct YOURSELF regarding him or the relationship. if others can't deal with that, then maybe your social circle needs a revamp or a shake up??

"This is not a discussion I wish to have with you"
if they keep at it, hang up, stand up, walk away, remove yourself from the situation. It seems tough or mean or harsh, but we TEACH people how to treat us...and some lessons are harder than others!!!!

Thinking

These are good people who were there for me when my ABF walked out. It's just that they don't understand I'm trying to change. So a while ago I was joining the conversations (and at one point couldn't talk about anything else). But I came here and I'm learning to do it better. I'm keeping a distance and only having 'business' conversations about when he can collect his stuff etc. I hope soon that there won't be need for contact at all.

So now I need to get these friends to understand that no matter how upset I was over him leaving, I want to be apart from him now. I am still struggling with wanting the impossible fairytale and knowing it's best to move on. The advice so many of you gave me is what I needed. I still find it hard to say what I want instead of agreeing to do what is best for him.

I'm learning but it's hard

spiderqueen

Used these exact words with XABF's mother. She might have even heard me.