meggygoround30

Freedom is a word I longed for. I would tell him "I'm leaving!" with such pain. for four years I had to rush home from work to make sure he wasn't dead. I could always tell when he was drinking before I even got on the train. I would call him literally the second I walked out of work. If he answered, I would listen to his voice or how he talked. If he didn't answer, he was either passed out or on his way. I would get so anxious and angry on the commute home. I could feel it in my body. Sometimes I would tell myself not to get angry but when I walked into the apartment and saw the vomit, the dishes in the sink, him almost falling off of the couch, eyes rolling, hair so greasy from not caring to shower. I would scream and yell and throw things. Search the apartment for bottles and dump them. Why is this happening to me? I'm a good person. You are a loser! I would say those words repeatedly. Then he would flip out, lunging at me with his angry eyes that were green now black, full of rage. He would kick me, punch me (never in the face which seemed calculated), pull my hair extremely hard, hold me down, say horrible things, punch holes in the walls. The next day he would want sex as if I had any desire after what he did the night before. I would have to go to work the next day with a smile on my face. My body built up so much stress. I had no one to talk to. Everyone has me on a pedestal. The good girl. I was ashamed, embarrassed. I made excuses. I was never fully present for anything because my brain was constantly thinking about what I was living through. When will he lose this job? Will I get another drunken call about how sorry he is that he lost another one? How will I pay rent? What future do I have?

My breaking point came one night in December of last year when things were really really bad. He had a good job but was chugging boxes and bottles of wine. He would hide them in the basement. I'd go down to find them and see vomit on the floor. I got angry, he hit me in the face and took my phone. Something inside if me, a primal instinct, told me to run. I ran up to my neighbor and called the cops. That was it.

Now, a few months later, after many rollercoaster rides of emotions, I am FREE! I am in another apartment in a different city with so much more inspiration and energy. My roommates are responsible, no stress, no drama. The other night I had a breakdown (thank you to those who helped me). I think it was my body reacting to the sudden change in my life. All of the stress of the toxic relationship I was in and trying to find an apartment. Now I go to bed in peace and wake up being thankful I got out.

I called a domestic violence support group today (also seeing a regular therapist) to see if I can get support for that because I'm so confused about how he could be so nice and caring but a monster too. I'm really having conflicting emotions because I feel sad that he had to go through that, I feel sad I had to go through it, I'm angry, and also proud of him because he's almost four months sober and is working really hard at it. The memories still haunt me. I wish there was a way I could have closure. But for now I'm just trying to take care of myself and enjoy the freedom I deserve. And smile

Fathom

Hugs, Meggy! I'm glad to hear your emotions are calming. I am 2-1/2 years out of my last toxic relationship, and I am still grateful for my freedom. I was actually thinking strongly about it just yesterday. I am extremely grateful for the freedom in my life, in all parts of my life. It is a wonderful feeling!

Peace,
Fathom

honeypig

Meggy, good for you for all you've done to take care of yourself! You've come a long way already. You do deserve your hard-earned freedom, and I hope you enjoy every moment of it while you continue to work thru the aftermath of your traumatic situation.

Strength and clarity to you, Meggy!

amy55

Meggy, thank you for sharing. That must have been painful, but in a way cathartic for you to write that. Many ((((hugs)))) to you. The "closure" is within you. You did the best that you could to survive, and now you are looking after you, and loving you again.