eastboundndown

I don't eat, I don't drink anything at all, I can't sleep, I beat myself up mentally, I feel unworthy of anything and anyone. I punish myself. I want to feel the pain. I want to suffer. It's what I deserve. It's what I've done to other people-It's what I deserve.

I a whole sub on Sat night, even though I had used 6 hours earlier....I wanted to suffer.
The next day, I took a half...Then I ended up doing two roxy 30's. I'm not even sure if they did anything-I suppose they were blocked by the sub.
Today, I took a quarter of a sub, actually ate a protein shake and some peanut butter for breakfast and now I'm going for a walk despite the fact that it's gloomy and cold.
After Thursday, I have 5 days off. I'm going to take the 1/4-1/2 sub until then, and then I'm going to pay the piper during those 5 days. And then as usual, I suppose I won't sleep for about 10 days as usual.

I understand there is suffering that goes along with this. Even though I forget that every time I've relapsed. I feel like I have to feel a level of pain that would break a normal person.
But why do I want to totally punish myself so badly. Do I hate myself this much? What is there to gain? Does/did anyone else do this?

KateL

Don't punish yourself over an addiction. Addiction is rotten and we don't ask for it but we can beat it. Learn to like yourself again, you are worth it beleive me xxxxxxx

Anna

Addiction isn't a character defect, it's a disease.

There is nothing to be gained by punishing yourself.

Focus on getting well.

OpioPhobe

Eastbound - yes. I have done what you are describing and it made the withdrawal multiple times worse. It was about 'embracing the pain' if you will. I was so anti-drug at the time I refused to take Advil, because I thought I deserved to suffer. Smoking cigs was the only thing I did. That was a little over 2 years ago now, and it was just plain stupid.

The problem with that is that it is hard enough without voluntarily making things more difficult. Not drinking / eating is taking the embrace the pain mantra way to far in my opinion. First off, you will die from dehydration at some point if you don't drink anything. I hope that doesn't fall under medical advice, but surely there is a common knowledge exception. Second, if you went for however long without eating and you weren't withdrawaling you would feel terrible. Forcing myself to eat was one of the biggest factors that made things bearable this time. Also, this go around I didn't act unreasonable about taking things that could help me, and I was happy to take Advil.

How did you do this to other people? Did you cut off their meds abruptly or something?

Dee74

Do you have a counsellor or a therapist eastbound?

D

diffingo911

Hello, eastboundndown...I found a Wonderful Quote only Yesterday, as a matter of fact.
I Hope it Might Help You...

"It may be different for others, but pain is what it took to teach me to pay attention."

Peace

eastboundndown

I CHOSE to do it to myself. Other people CHOSE to get involved, yet somehow life is not like that. We don't have freedom to choose to destroy ourselves, or slowly kill ourselves without other people getting involved. That's why I say I did it to other people.
I've never stolen or done anything illegal. I've lied. I've lied because people ask about my business such as "where did you go?". Anyway.

I'm trying to be different this time. I'm trying to eat, trying to do the right things to be healthy. I didn't ask for this, but I chose it. And I'm trying to take responsibility for that now and choose to be different. To live is to suffer.

Dee74

Nonsense.

If you get off on suffering, OK. Whatever.

I used suffering as a reason to get wasted for 20 years - but I enjoy my non suffering life now.

I wasn't in Africa or Syria or in respite care - I was just a white middle aged man who spouted a lot of vaguely philosophical BS but who really had very little idea what real suffering was....

D