We talked today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
We talked today
I went by his place to drop off his things and pick up my cat - they were cat sitting for me while I was out of town.
He could barely look at me as I walked into the garage. I went in and talked to his mom for a bit and she said he'd been using the night before from what she could tell. After the blow up we had on his driveway on Thursday, I didn't know if I wanted to try talking to him or not, but of course, my heart won out on that one.
I asked if he wanted to talk and to my surprise, he said yes. I figured he'd blow me off... We talked for over an hour.
He said that his sister (who is an addict - though she swore to me she wasn't after offering to buy my addict's Adderall when I found it haha... as well and was visiting) pushed him to get in touch with his old dealer after we had a blow up and I left last Thursday (he did NOT blame me for his use) and they were smoking crack. He says there's no more. (That's debatable, though she was buying and he's broke right now since he didn't look for a job after detox, but was urged to just focus on his recovery)
He says he wants to start over. That he plans on calling his sponsor today, going to the meeting tonight and getting a white chip. He said he's miserable. That at least before, even if physically he felt cruddy he was HAPPY. He said he wants to get back what he had in recovery and that he wants to get back what we had.
Do I believe him? That's the million dollar question, isn't it. (And trust me my friends, I don't need a lecture on the lies and manipulations of an addict. I've got the Great Wall of China wrapped around my heart right now because that's the only way I'll survive this with my sanity and a clear head) He was mostly, if not completely sober this morning. So yea, I believe he meant what he said as he said it. But do I believe it was more than just guilt talking? That there was really the need and want to get sober like was there before? Or if it was because he touched me and I broke down into the most ridiculous uncontrollable sobs and the guilt just kept piling on for him... I don't know. I'd like to say there is more than guilt behind his words, but only time will tell if that's the case.
A part of me, the logical side, tells me I should rip the Band-Aid off and bleed out on my living room floor with 5 gallons of ice cream and a case of Moscato to soothe the pain.
But the rest of me is saying to just take a step back, protect myself as best I can, and see what he does. See if he calls his sponsor, goes back to his meetings. See if he truly begins to start over...without me asking him if he's done things, without me going to meetings with him because he was too unmotivated to go. I know I can't manage his recovery. And though I wouldn't mind going to his meetings with him (tbh, I actually liked them more than nar-anon and got as much if not more out of them) he has to do those things for himself and I will go if invited. Because if my heart wins the war it's raging with my brain, he still has to prove that he is going to do this.
So, as I'm in absolute emotional turmoil, I'm not making ANY decision yet. Because those are the moments where you make decisions that create emotional suicide.
I'm sitting back and will make my decision based on what happens in the next 48 hours. I will not get my hopes up - I may be in love, but I'm very much a realist about this situation.
*sigh*
He could barely look at me as I walked into the garage. I went in and talked to his mom for a bit and she said he'd been using the night before from what she could tell. After the blow up we had on his driveway on Thursday, I didn't know if I wanted to try talking to him or not, but of course, my heart won out on that one.
I asked if he wanted to talk and to my surprise, he said yes. I figured he'd blow me off... We talked for over an hour.
He said that his sister (who is an addict - though she swore to me she wasn't after offering to buy my addict's Adderall when I found it haha... as well and was visiting) pushed him to get in touch with his old dealer after we had a blow up and I left last Thursday (he did NOT blame me for his use) and they were smoking crack. He says there's no more. (That's debatable, though she was buying and he's broke right now since he didn't look for a job after detox, but was urged to just focus on his recovery)
He says he wants to start over. That he plans on calling his sponsor today, going to the meeting tonight and getting a white chip. He said he's miserable. That at least before, even if physically he felt cruddy he was HAPPY. He said he wants to get back what he had in recovery and that he wants to get back what we had.
Do I believe him? That's the million dollar question, isn't it. (And trust me my friends, I don't need a lecture on the lies and manipulations of an addict. I've got the Great Wall of China wrapped around my heart right now because that's the only way I'll survive this with my sanity and a clear head) He was mostly, if not completely sober this morning. So yea, I believe he meant what he said as he said it. But do I believe it was more than just guilt talking? That there was really the need and want to get sober like was there before? Or if it was because he touched me and I broke down into the most ridiculous uncontrollable sobs and the guilt just kept piling on for him... I don't know. I'd like to say there is more than guilt behind his words, but only time will tell if that's the case.
A part of me, the logical side, tells me I should rip the Band-Aid off and bleed out on my living room floor with 5 gallons of ice cream and a case of Moscato to soothe the pain.
But the rest of me is saying to just take a step back, protect myself as best I can, and see what he does. See if he calls his sponsor, goes back to his meetings. See if he truly begins to start over...without me asking him if he's done things, without me going to meetings with him because he was too unmotivated to go. I know I can't manage his recovery. And though I wouldn't mind going to his meetings with him (tbh, I actually liked them more than nar-anon and got as much if not more out of them) he has to do those things for himself and I will go if invited. Because if my heart wins the war it's raging with my brain, he still has to prove that he is going to do this.
So, as I'm in absolute emotional turmoil, I'm not making ANY decision yet. Because those are the moments where you make decisions that create emotional suicide.
I'm sitting back and will make my decision based on what happens in the next 48 hours. I will not get my hopes up - I may be in love, but I'm very much a realist about this situation.
*sigh*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep in mind, eden, that you ALWAYS feel like crap the day after smoking crack especially when it's all gone. and even more so if you been hitting it hard since last thursday....
one call to a sponsor, one meeting, one MORE white chip...doesn't mean doodley. 48 hours doesn't mean doodley. you would still need to see months upon months of consistent DAILY clean and sober behavior - along with nailing down a job and KEEPING it - paying any resitutition, becoming self supporting and responsible. THOSE would be the things to look for...down the road....like see how all this is going in September before you even consider going back or starting over or dating. he has a big huge log jam of MESS to clean up first. and doesn't know the first thing about staying clean.
one call to a sponsor, one meeting, one MORE white chip...doesn't mean doodley. 48 hours doesn't mean doodley. you would still need to see months upon months of consistent DAILY clean and sober behavior - along with nailing down a job and KEEPING it - paying any resitutition, becoming self supporting and responsible. THOSE would be the things to look for...down the road....like see how all this is going in September before you even consider going back or starting over or dating. he has a big huge log jam of MESS to clean up first. and doesn't know the first thing about staying clean.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
One of the biggest mistakes I've made with the addicts in my life is to listen to their words instead of looking at the big picture of their actions. As Anvil says, it's not about 48 hours of actions, it's about the long run.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Glad to hear it! Stick with the chai--that's my favorite, too. 
I love the user on here, shoot, I forget her screen name, whose picture says "Friday night drinks" with a pot of tea. Lately I've been adding cocoa to my chai when I really want to get wild. 
I love the user on here, shoot, I forget her screen name, whose picture says "Friday night drinks" with a pot of tea. Lately I've been adding cocoa to my chai when I really want to get wild. Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Firefall 
Omg. how dumb do I feel?
Edenchai ---yes, yes. drink tea sweetie. Do something for you that makes you smile in spite of what your going through.
Edenchai ---yes, yes. drink tea sweetie. Do something for you that makes you smile in spite of what your going through.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by edenchai
And though I wouldn't mind going to his meetings with him (tbh, I actually liked them more than nar-anon and got as much if not more out of them) he has to do those things for himself and I will go if invited.
It was easier for me to understand what was wrong with my son and what he needed to do about it than it was for me to acknowledge what was wrong with me and the work required to find my own balance and get healthy again.
I'm not saying this is how it is for you, but it's not uncommon for us codies to find more comfort in going to their meetings than our own. In the end, both are good, for totally different reasons.
You sound wise and strong and it looks like you have a clarity that comes with a little time and distance. I hope the days ahead bring you peace and balance...regardless of what his choices are.
Hugs
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Yes Ann, this true as a code I have always put on a happy face, thinking positive, but that doesn't change anything and everyone thinks I am ok when I am not. It takes work and honesty to start to feel better. I was passed about having to go to meetings since I didn't make the mess that caused me to become a code. It's like a rape victim being told they have an STD.... When I realized that junk was in my head and heart, I decided to go to meetings for me. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but dang!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 28
Ann, I did miss sharing as I replaced my meetings with his (I was attending Nar-anon before he had even started his recovery). There was a sense of peace walking out of either meeting, but I did miss having an outlet to share the fears and even the triumphs as he started his recovery. Because really, who could I talk to about my life with him that would even remotely understand, aside from someone who has lived in that same hell.
I think what I've liked most in the NA meetings is that I saw hope. Hope I didn't get to see in Nar-anon - because our stories are those of the heartache and tragedy of life with an addict and even those in Nar-anon that were working their steps and far along in their own recovery still mostly shared the heartaches...and I needed hope once he went into detox and started his recovery journey.
I'm still on the fence about what my next move will be. He's sober but I don't know if that will last - even for longer than a few days. I'm in that place where everything he says is questioned. Whether directly or in my head. It's a crappy place to be, I miss having trust. Perfect example; his cousin just moved up. He's a partier, though I don't think he's the addict mine is... I just got a text from my A saying they were going to go work out. I replied..."ooh a workout buddy! Is he going to be a bad influence?" At one point A declined an invitation to go out one night with him while he was visiting because he knew they'd be drinking, at the least...now I'm not so sure that he would.
He just replied and said that he (my A) may be the bad influence on him. Geeze, doesn't that provide you with a sense of confidence in the situation.
The positive side of all this? I've been planning on going back to school (8 whole freaking years) to get my doctorate and become a psychologist and I think I've finally decided that I want to work in addiction counseling.
On a side note - I'm not a tea drinker, coffee is my poison ha! Chai, in Hebrew, means Life.
I think what I've liked most in the NA meetings is that I saw hope. Hope I didn't get to see in Nar-anon - because our stories are those of the heartache and tragedy of life with an addict and even those in Nar-anon that were working their steps and far along in their own recovery still mostly shared the heartaches...and I needed hope once he went into detox and started his recovery journey.
I'm still on the fence about what my next move will be. He's sober but I don't know if that will last - even for longer than a few days. I'm in that place where everything he says is questioned. Whether directly or in my head. It's a crappy place to be, I miss having trust. Perfect example; his cousin just moved up. He's a partier, though I don't think he's the addict mine is... I just got a text from my A saying they were going to go work out. I replied..."ooh a workout buddy! Is he going to be a bad influence?" At one point A declined an invitation to go out one night with him while he was visiting because he knew they'd be drinking, at the least...now I'm not so sure that he would.
He just replied and said that he (my A) may be the bad influence on him. Geeze, doesn't that provide you with a sense of confidence in the situation.
The positive side of all this? I've been planning on going back to school (8 whole freaking years) to get my doctorate and become a psychologist and I think I've finally decided that I want to work in addiction counseling.
On a side note - I'm not a tea drinker, coffee is my poison ha! Chai, in Hebrew, means Life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I beleive they even believe themselves when they say it. They do want to get clean. However, the temptation is great and the work is very hard. He will have to want recovery EVERY SINGLE DAY for the rest of his life. That is a big committment. I encourage you to watch his actions over the long term, that will tell you alot more than what he is saying. Use this time to explore your own feelings and analyze what you want from a relationship. I know for myself I realized that while I fought the long fight for my husband to get sober, I really don't like the person he is anymore, under the influence or not.
Good luck and God Bless.
Good luck and God Bless.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
