Advice?

Old 04-07-2014, 09:46 AM
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Advice?

I need advice, and not wanting to write a book, but some back ground info.
My Wife of 25 years is what I deem a FA or functioning alcoholic. I've ignored it for years, like 8-10 she drinks every night and we rarely do anything social because she over does the drink when ever is that atmosphere. We have 3 boys 24,22,17, all who have learned from Dad to ignore it. She went back to work 2 years ago, after years of being stay home mom for over 20 years, and the drinking did get better(less), but still every night she has to drink. Every weekend she just lays in bed doing nothing. We would have the occasional argument that she drinks to much, to which, the standard excuses where used. Then she would just go on as usual.
So then why you may ask am I now so concerned. well 2 weeks before our 25th anniversary, I find she's having an emotional affair with her boss, no sex, just some hugging and pecks. I've asked her to quit her job, which we don't need financially, but she won't, she tells me it the only thing she has in her life and she does not want to go back to being so depressed like she was prior to working. She also says that she stopped with him and she loves me and want everything back like it was years ago. Thing between us have been very good since the discovery, but she's still there with the scumbag.
Here is where I need advice, my counselor and everyone I speak to says the affair was because of the drink, and unless that stops, it doesn't matter what else we talk about the lies will always be there. I'm hoping for all of your experiences if anyone can say this is true, or am i just denying the fact of the affair. It kills me everyday that she goes to work with the scumbag.
My Boys and I plan to sit with her Tuesday night and let her know we're there to help support her, but she has a drinking problem and I have a couple counselors names she can speak to get help. The boys know to talk about how they feel, not to provoke an argument with Mom, I'm hoping when she hears and see how everyone is concerned she realizes how serious this truly it.
Thanks for your feedback
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Old 04-07-2014, 10:03 AM
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Crushedjd, welcome to SR. Your situation sounds painful, and I'm sorry for all you've gone thru over the years. This is a very supportive community and a great place to learn about alcoholism and how to begin your own recovery.

Can I suggest that you read as much as you possibly have time for here? Other people's stories can really resonate sometimes and give you useful insights. I'd also recommend that you check out the stickies at the top of the page; here's a thread I found very helpful when I first showed up here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Alanon may also be a great resource for you, and maybe Alateen for your kids. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity.
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Old 04-07-2014, 12:22 PM
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Well, I have a couple of thoughts.

First of all, she's an alcoholic. And "functioning" is a stage, not a kind -- meaning without sobriety, she will go from "functioning" to "not functioning" eventually.

While I don't think this is quite right:
my counselor and everyone I speak to says the affair was because of the drink
I do think they have a point here:
unless that stops, it doesn't matter what else we talk about the lies will always be there.
Alcohol clouds judgment, for sure. But a person who would cheat on you drunk would cheat on you sober -- in my book, blaming your behavior on being drunk or being a drunk doesn't cut it. Hopefully, she wasn't drunk at work when she was kissing her boss?

What I learned from being married to an A, and what i still practice in my life, is that I can only control ME. People around me simply aren't in my power to control. I think in a situation like yours, you could decide that you are going to ignore the emotional affair for now and focus on her drinking and how that affects you. Or you could say "I don't want to be married to a person I don't trust, and she is showing unwillingness to quit the job where she's around this guy all the time. I either have to decide to trust her, or not. If I choose not to trust her -- well, then it's up to me if I want to stay married to her or not."

See how that is different than "I need you to quit your job"?

You are taking responsibility for your feelings around the whole mess -- you're not telling her to change, you're telling her what YOU need in order to be able to trust her/stay married to her.

You could do the same thing with her drinking. Rather than trying to get her to quit, you could decide what you want out of your life. And present her with that. That's what I did. I told AXH that I was not willing to spend my life married to an alcoholic, and that if he chose to continue refusing to get help, I would leave him. That wasn't a threat -- it was a boundary. Here's what I need. Here's what I would need from you in order to stay married.
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Old 04-07-2014, 01:25 PM
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How long until the 17 year old cleans the runway?

I would be out the door right behind him . . . .
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Old 04-07-2014, 02:26 PM
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Some alcoholics cheat and some do not just as some non-alcoholics cheat and some do not. I don't buy the excuse that this is because she is drinking. Is she drunk at work everyday? Doesn't sound like it to me.

Please don't give this behavior a hall pass based on her alcoholism.

She sounds very depressed to me. The alcohol only makes it worse.

For me cheating is a non-issue. I put up with a relapse I tell you if I EVER found out my husband cheated on me it would be over. I have no desire whatsoever to repair that damage, and I would never trust him again anyway.

I am of the opinion that her decision to stay is another red flag. Sorry to have to say that, but when someone cheats and they want to repair the damage they don't make decisions like seeing that person everyday. They shouldn't want too, know what I mean? She should be kissing your a** and being as transparent as possible so that you can recover from this.
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:48 AM
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crushedjd, how are you doing today? Any new thoughts, anything you'd like to talk about?
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Old 06-30-2014, 06:14 AM
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Well its been almost three months since I posted and she's still drinking every night and she's still on the F_ing job with the piece of dung! So here I am again asking everyone for advice. Things are much better at home we are talking and are much closer and haven't had an argument in at least in 3-4 weeks, I'm assuming because I don't talk about her drinking or her job. I didn't realize that because of her actions/drinking over the past 8-10 years that I had built up such resentment of her drinking and her behavior. I realized its the disease making her drink. The emotional affair was a wake call for our marrige. As lillamy mentioned above I made the choice to trust her, as we've gotten closer its easier to trust. So here's my dilemma, lately, I feel that I'm faking it, because I keep having thoughts/feelings she's lying. Thanks in advance to everyone
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Old 06-30-2014, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Crushedjd View Post

my counselor and everyone I speak to says the affair was because of the drink


My Boys and I plan to sit with her Tuesday night and let her know we're there to help support her, but she has a drinking problem
in no way do I trust in that counselor
must be new age counseling
because what your wife did was not right under any circumstances

when you and the boys meet with her
be not afraid to show some true Tough Love (as needed)

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Old 06-30-2014, 06:25 AM
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Trust your gut--if you feel she is lying, she very likely is.

Remember alcoholism is progressive. She will not stay the "same" but get worse over time.

What do you want for yourself in one, five, or ten more years?

Your needs are the thing you perhaps should be thinking of--maybe you need to communicate things aren't working for you if you feel they aren't but only you
can decide that.
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Old 06-30-2014, 06:32 AM
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crushedjd---would I be correct if I said that it sounds like you are bending over backwards to accomodate her because you are so afraid of losing the relationship? Afraid that if the waters get too choppy (if you get too honest) that she will declare that you are an a**hole and leave?

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Old 06-30-2014, 07:02 AM
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Mountainman, I agree what she did was wrong and drinking only help her get past the guilt of what she did, she has admitted she was wrong and was very passionate about screwing up and promised it was stopped, but how do I trust that when she can't admit her drinking is a problem, when she now tries to hide her drinking.

Hawkeye, you bring up a great point, my conundrum is I'm not sure things aren't working for me, needless to say I'm not happy to feel like I'm faking it, but part me wonders that I have been so suspicious for so long am I just paranoid. We're in a much better place then we were months ago, but the drinking continues and now after telling her how concerned we are about her drinking she has tried to hide the drinking to after I go to bed at night. So again I ask myself how do I trust her when there is any deceit.
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Old 06-30-2014, 07:30 AM
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Dandylion you are partly correct I'm trying to keep us together and not to cause conflict, choppy waters, as it usually only leads to a drunken argument. She's called me many things worse and apologizes the next day when sober. The leaving part would be on me she does not want anything to change. What would make her the happiest is if I forgot any of this ever happened and she could just get wasted every night. I do wonder if leaving her wouldn't be simpler then living through this mess.
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Old 06-30-2014, 07:56 AM
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Well, crushed....maybe it would keep peace in the house if you were to forget that any of this ever happened and never mention it again......If.....If you could turn yourself into a stump or a complete doormat. Even if you could....at what price??

what good is it being with someone if you are constantly tormented from within?

A men's alanon group might be a good idea for you, right now. You could probably use some support, right now.

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Old 06-30-2014, 08:04 AM
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crushedjd, glad you checked in again. I'd say that what you're doing is keeping the peace on the outside but eating you up inside, and thus not all that healthy for you. She is indeed engaging in deceit by hiding her drinking after you've gone to bed, and this isn't a good sign, as you know.

Others have already said that things will continue to get worse, and I would second that. I'd also second the suggestion to get yourself to Alanon, sooner rather than later.

There is a saying in Alanon: "Let go or be dragged." It might be helpful for you to consider what you might gain by beginning to let go versus continuing to be dragged...
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:04 AM
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dandy is right crushed--you are a human being and need to be able to express your feelings and have them listened to.
Yelling at you, calling you names, and apologizing is not communication.

You also haven't commented on the point that this will get worse, far worse, if you do choose to ignore it.

I'm an alcoholic myself and I can tell you she won't be "functioning" much longer if allowed to drink unchecked. Sorry to say it
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:06 AM
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A cheat is a cheat. An alcoholic is an alcoholic. One does not make you into the other. I know plenty.

I question your opinion of an emoational affair. An emoational affair to me means no contact, just involved on an emoational level. If they had "some hugs and pecks," I would say you know the tip of the iceberg. That crossed the line into emoational and physical IMO. Same result, cheating is cheating.

I would say that you need a counselor for you, she needs one for herself. You may also want to try Alanon or Celebrate Recovery as it sounds like you could use some support from people who understand what you are dealing with. CR helped me through a very dark place.

I will be honest, I believe the saying a leopard does not often change their spots, but that is just my own opinion and from history of what I have seen here on SR and in my life.

No matter what decisions you make, take good care of YOU. We will support you.
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:55 AM
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Crushed,

You have played a role in this. It sounds like you looked the other way for years on her drinking. What did you look the other way for years on your marriage for her to be lonely enough to have an EA (at the least) with the boss? Is the drinking a response to depression or a personality disorder? Does she have a MD that she could visit to discuss a plan to dry out and assess what is truly going on?

This might tick you off to look at your own role in this relationship - but honestly that is all you can 100% impact if you choose to change. The ostrich approach eventually you choke on sand... Get the grit out of your eyes and run around a bit to clear your lungs.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 06-30-2014, 10:34 AM
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Codejob her drinking is very much a response to low self esteem, depression and horrible childhood. Her father was an alcoholic and died 3 years ago. For years before and after his death all she did was lay around all day and drink at night. She always made sure the boys were taken care of when they were little and always said they were her life. I was and still to some degree am her enabler. I always told myself its easier to avoid the conflict and not impact my boys. Now here I am years later and worried that they may think it OK to get drunk every night and its ok to lie to your family. I've been reading Steelman's post and I see so much similarity in our cirrcumstances. I wish I had acted sooner in my marriage probably would have save both my AW and myself a lot of grief.
Thanks to all for the advice, I am thinking of taking a few days away to try and clear my head, just not sure if it will help or without my normal distractions(work,communte,boys,hobbies) to keep my mind busy I'll go nuts?
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Old 06-30-2014, 10:45 AM
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I know what you mean. That is how I avoided what was going on, I just kept very very busy. However, eventually that no longer helps either. You can only avoid your true feelings for so long, they will only stuff down so far.

Good luck to you!
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