Resentments
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Resentments
I'm currently staying with my mother for a couple of days before I move to a new place. I realize I have the biggest resentment towards her. I am about to explode. I normally stay away from her because she are toxic to my peace of mind, but she was nice enough to let me stay here. She makes my blood boil. I don't know what to do. This particular resentment cuts so deep I want to yell at the top of my lungs. At her! I don't know what to do. As an ACOA and alcoholic, this has got to be dealt with - soon. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: May 2013
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How much longer do you have to stay with her until you're in the new place? I know you said a couple days, but I also understand that can easily turn into a few or a week..
Is it possible you can stay away from the home during the day- just treat it as a place to sleep? =/ I know that sucks, but if it keeps you from losing your mind, it might be worth it. Take the long way to and from work, go on walks or drives. Catch a movie?
Do you have any headphones? A gaming system? Could you put on headphones and bury yourself in an Xbox for a few days?
I'm sorry, I know this isn't very helpful (and definitely not a long-term solution), but at this point it might be best to just try and distract yourself. Then if you want to confront her about any of it, you can do it knowing you're safe in your new place.
Just keep posting here as much as you need to. If you want to vent, go for it.
Is it possible you can stay away from the home during the day- just treat it as a place to sleep? =/ I know that sucks, but if it keeps you from losing your mind, it might be worth it. Take the long way to and from work, go on walks or drives. Catch a movie?
Do you have any headphones? A gaming system? Could you put on headphones and bury yourself in an Xbox for a few days?
I'm sorry, I know this isn't very helpful (and definitely not a long-term solution), but at this point it might be best to just try and distract yourself. Then if you want to confront her about any of it, you can do it knowing you're safe in your new place.
Just keep posting here as much as you need to. If you want to vent, go for it.
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Thanks for responding. I've tried everything - tuning out, avoiding her. I've confronted her before and it has not worked. This is such a deep resentment, I think there has to be a knock down drag out yelling match, which she won't do. I have been living with this for too long and have been avoiding it for too long. I've been biting my lip, but I want to freakin scream!!
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Hi Mirage, can you see a counsellor and talk it out? People who won't confront force everything inside you, and if it's eating you up, it would be therapeutic to talk it out in a safe place.
It would be ideal if we could resolve our differences person-to-person, but in many situations this isn't possible. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're young the strong emotions will probably ease as you grow older and become more involved in your own life and distance yourself from your childhood.
It would be ideal if we could resolve our differences person-to-person, but in many situations this isn't possible. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're young the strong emotions will probably ease as you grow older and become more involved in your own life and distance yourself from your childhood.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
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I've faced some if the same challenges. It is not easy to navigate and a lot if the solutions are 'easier said than done'. A couple of comments/suggestions. First - I've learned that I can only control myself and it is best not to let others take up space in my head. We aren't going to change others behaviors, how they respond, how they treat us, etc. The less we worry about this the better. Second - I have to remind myself that I am not perfect and have plenty if my own issues. Similarly - my parents aren't perfect either. At this point I'm unlikely to change them.
I might suggest a quick read of this small chapter in the book regarding resentments (bondage or baggage as I call it). Only 8-9 pages and it usually grounds me with Goidelic thoughts when I have resentments. Best if luck. Regards
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...earlyall14.pdf
I might suggest a quick read of this small chapter in the book regarding resentments (bondage or baggage as I call it). Only 8-9 pages and it usually grounds me with Goidelic thoughts when I have resentments. Best if luck. Regards
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...earlyall14.pdf
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Sorry for the fat fingers typing on my iPhone. Several 'ifs' that should have been 'of'
The last few pages of that chapter are the most important. Not sure if it helps at all but a suggestion. The one thing I can say with certainty....resentments lead to drinking for me and it is best for me to get those thoughts out of my head. The 20 day prayer thing might be a stretch if you aren't into it. I wasn't but I found it helped. Best of luck figuring it out
The last few pages of that chapter are the most important. Not sure if it helps at all but a suggestion. The one thing I can say with certainty....resentments lead to drinking for me and it is best for me to get those thoughts out of my head. The 20 day prayer thing might be a stretch if you aren't into it. I wasn't but I found it helped. Best of luck figuring it out
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Thx for the article Blackhawks. I'm trying to understand how we can't control others and don't let others take our serenity. It's hard for me to do.
The only thing I see to do is pick a fight. I'm looking for the right chance. It's going to be ugly. That's to only way I can get some peace of mind on this.
The only thing I see to do is pick a fight. I'm looking for the right chance. It's going to be ugly. That's to only way I can get some peace of mind on this.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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It's hard for any of us to do. Cross between an art and a discipline
Are you certain picking a fight is the only way to peace of mind for you?
The reason I ask is that, from experience, this has usually only resulted in my feeling uglier, darker, worse than before. It hasn't lifted those dark, angry feelings. It may be different for you, and am in no way suggesting it isn't, but am curious.
I recently tried the resentment prayer, and found it didn't work for a particular resentment I had. That's not because I don't believe it doesn't work per se - what I learned was I think it depends how deep these things cut, and how/where this particular resentment relates to deeply held on to hurts. Shifting those, again from experience, is taking work in therapy. No-one (despite lots of anger and tears being shed) gets hurt there. An entirely safe, and harmless place to let it all go.
I believe it'd work for something of a more minor, and not so deeply felt; the forgiveness and release may come easier. The forgiveness and release for historic hurts takes a little more work, of a different kind. Just my experience
Wish you well Mirage, and take extra good care of yourself.
Are you certain picking a fight is the only way to peace of mind for you?
The reason I ask is that, from experience, this has usually only resulted in my feeling uglier, darker, worse than before. It hasn't lifted those dark, angry feelings. It may be different for you, and am in no way suggesting it isn't, but am curious.
I recently tried the resentment prayer, and found it didn't work for a particular resentment I had. That's not because I don't believe it doesn't work per se - what I learned was I think it depends how deep these things cut, and how/where this particular resentment relates to deeply held on to hurts. Shifting those, again from experience, is taking work in therapy. No-one (despite lots of anger and tears being shed) gets hurt there. An entirely safe, and harmless place to let it all go.
I believe it'd work for something of a more minor, and not so deeply felt; the forgiveness and release may come easier. The forgiveness and release for historic hurts takes a little more work, of a different kind. Just my experience
Wish you well Mirage, and take extra good care of yourself.
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I am leaving tomorrow, thankfully. It just never gets resolved. She treats me like I'm still 15 years old, refusing to have an adult conversation. It makes me livid. I feel like she does it on purpose. Maybe somewhere deep down she wishes I were still 15. But I'm not, I'm 39 and expect to be treated as such. I need to confront her on this again, even though it never works. She is dead-set on continuing her ways - pressing buttons, saying inappropriate things, nit-picking.
A big example of this that set me off was that she took a trip to my hometown (where I was born) to see some friends. I was 5 when we moved from there, but still know people bc my Dad lived there basically his whole life. Well, my mother acts like I'm not even from there and like I don't know anyone down there, even though I would go visit my dad every summer and see lots of people. So she gets back from her trip and subsequently tells me basically nothing about it, like I don't know those people, but she does, it makes my blood boil, because half of me is from down there, my father and his whole family lived down there (MS). My mother is from NC but acts like she's really from down there and I'm not. I want to yell "Mother, I'm the one who was born down there, have family down there. You were a transplant who married my father. All of my fathers friends became her friends. Yet you have the nerve to act like you're from there and I'm not?? I feel like she's trying to deny half of my whole existence, where I was born, my fathers family (who are all almost gone) Ugh, it's a long story, but it makes me so angry I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bring up these blatant offenses that my mother transgresses onto me. It cuts so deep, and I am so offended, that I really dislike my mother. I think she has some of the most unattractive qualities I know of in a person. And I want to tell her this so badly, to bring her down a few levels. Frankly because she acts like she's some sort of queen, can do no wrong. If you criticize her, she shuts down, doesn't want to hear it. She refuses to engage in verbal combat. Our relationship is nice to each others face but the dark, repressed, undercurrent if anger is seeping below, waiting to explode.
A big example of this that set me off was that she took a trip to my hometown (where I was born) to see some friends. I was 5 when we moved from there, but still know people bc my Dad lived there basically his whole life. Well, my mother acts like I'm not even from there and like I don't know anyone down there, even though I would go visit my dad every summer and see lots of people. So she gets back from her trip and subsequently tells me basically nothing about it, like I don't know those people, but she does, it makes my blood boil, because half of me is from down there, my father and his whole family lived down there (MS). My mother is from NC but acts like she's really from down there and I'm not. I want to yell "Mother, I'm the one who was born down there, have family down there. You were a transplant who married my father. All of my fathers friends became her friends. Yet you have the nerve to act like you're from there and I'm not?? I feel like she's trying to deny half of my whole existence, where I was born, my fathers family (who are all almost gone) Ugh, it's a long story, but it makes me so angry I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bring up these blatant offenses that my mother transgresses onto me. It cuts so deep, and I am so offended, that I really dislike my mother. I think she has some of the most unattractive qualities I know of in a person. And I want to tell her this so badly, to bring her down a few levels. Frankly because she acts like she's some sort of queen, can do no wrong. If you criticize her, she shuts down, doesn't want to hear it. She refuses to engage in verbal combat. Our relationship is nice to each others face but the dark, repressed, undercurrent if anger is seeping below, waiting to explode.
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I agree with NWGrits.
Sometimes, you have to learn to see these things as the other person's problem. Her loss--she's totally unable to have the wonderful adult mother daughter relationship with you that other mothers have with their adult daughters. Her loss.
My dad treats me the same way, like I'm a recalcitrant child who always needs to be corrected. My mother was a little like yours in the way she constantly trash-talked my dad's family, never caring that they were half of me, too, and she was really ridiculing and trash-talking an entire half of who I was and where I came from.
I finally had to walk away from it, with both of them. I have degrees, accomplishments, I keep my house clean, raise my children well, my kids do well in school, volunteer for all sorts of things....if none of it is good enough for them to figure out on their own that it's time to treat me like an adult, telling them so isn't going to do any good. I know from experience, they'll shake their heads, look at me sadly as if I'm too incompetent to see all my faults, and explain my latest supposed fault.
I also see clearly that they don't treat any other adult like that. Getting into a discussion and having to 'beg' to be treated like an adult would be a pathetic irony that would only leave me feeling like a child.
So...I simply don't call anymore. I simply disengaged. I spend my time with people who are happy to relate to me adult to adult, and I've found there are plenty of them. :-)
I think, maybe, this is typical for dysfunctional parents, to continue trying to treat their adult children as if they are still children. You're not alone.
Sometimes, you have to learn to see these things as the other person's problem. Her loss--she's totally unable to have the wonderful adult mother daughter relationship with you that other mothers have with their adult daughters. Her loss.
My dad treats me the same way, like I'm a recalcitrant child who always needs to be corrected. My mother was a little like yours in the way she constantly trash-talked my dad's family, never caring that they were half of me, too, and she was really ridiculing and trash-talking an entire half of who I was and where I came from.
I finally had to walk away from it, with both of them. I have degrees, accomplishments, I keep my house clean, raise my children well, my kids do well in school, volunteer for all sorts of things....if none of it is good enough for them to figure out on their own that it's time to treat me like an adult, telling them so isn't going to do any good. I know from experience, they'll shake their heads, look at me sadly as if I'm too incompetent to see all my faults, and explain my latest supposed fault.
I also see clearly that they don't treat any other adult like that. Getting into a discussion and having to 'beg' to be treated like an adult would be a pathetic irony that would only leave me feeling like a child.
So...I simply don't call anymore. I simply disengaged. I spend my time with people who are happy to relate to me adult to adult, and I've found there are plenty of them. :-)
I think, maybe, this is typical for dysfunctional parents, to continue trying to treat their adult children as if they are still children. You're not alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Mirage,
I feel like I can relate about being treated as a child, even though we are adults. From my experience and counseling, I have learned that we all deserve loving, wonderful, proud parents but don't always get them. I have also learned that parents can cause the deepest wounds because as kids, we seek love acceptance and empathy from them. Some parents don't know how to do that, especially if they didnt receive it themselves as kids. I read a book that was very helpful, got it on Amazon. It's called Toxic Parents.
Best of luck.
I feel like I can relate about being treated as a child, even though we are adults. From my experience and counseling, I have learned that we all deserve loving, wonderful, proud parents but don't always get them. I have also learned that parents can cause the deepest wounds because as kids, we seek love acceptance and empathy from them. Some parents don't know how to do that, especially if they didnt receive it themselves as kids. I read a book that was very helpful, got it on Amazon. It's called Toxic Parents.
Best of luck.
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Yea, I'm out and things have improved, naturally. But the resentments and anger are still there and run deep. I blame a lot of this on my alcoholism, even though I know no one forced me to drink. I checked out a book on Anger and it's helped. Started some counseling. I keep hearing that you can't change other people, but am stubborn and feel it's the only solution. I have to change their behavior, set some boundaries.
Anyway, thanks for asking Dee.
Anyway, thanks for asking Dee.
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