Control
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Control
I read a post on SR that if an addict has control issues it is more difficult for them to begin their recovery. My husband has control issues everything has to be in the right place the right time. We couldn't spend money on fun things like going out or weekends away until all our debt was clear. Needless to say the debt still isn't cleared and he's left. He can't begin to think about the current situation until he has moved into his new place in June and only then will he know if he wants to drink every night because he can't do it at his mothers. Everything has to b the right time the right place etc
So what I am asking is. Is it more difficult for an addict to recover if he has control issues.
So what I am asking is. Is it more difficult for an addict to recover if he has control issues.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
confused.. ANY addict will ONLY seek recovery when he/she is ready... no sooner and no later.
I would say from what i have read, the control issue comes more into play when he is controlling YOU, using his control over the situation as a way to control you..
See, my situation with AH is slightly different as we both want to heal our marriage, so its a different ballgame altogether, however, from what you are saying, your husband wants to play this game on HIS terms only, that is not ok.
Please, seek out some counselling for yourself.. i would suggest you start with your gp and ask for a referral to the CPN, she/he will be based in your doctor's surgery and available to have a chat with you and put some actions into place to get YOU well.
Believe me, i know how hard it is to turn your focus off HIM and onto you, i struggled with it for months and months, and then, all of a sudden a lightbulb came on and i just felt differently, i controlled what i could control: ME, i let go of what i couldnt control, my AH's behaviour.
I know you are desperately trying to justify why he does what he does to you, ive been there, tried to do that and nearly drove myself insane. When the people here tell you that you need to start with YOU, they are telling the truth. It is a hard, hard thing to do, and some of us go one way and others another, but we all have ONE thing in common: we finally put ourselves first. That means in all ways, look at your strengths and weaknesses, look at your behaviour patterns, discard unhelpful ones one by one, take babysteps in looking after yourself. Your AH is an adult, he can look (and does look) after himself, at a huge cost to you.
I would say from what i have read, the control issue comes more into play when he is controlling YOU, using his control over the situation as a way to control you..
See, my situation with AH is slightly different as we both want to heal our marriage, so its a different ballgame altogether, however, from what you are saying, your husband wants to play this game on HIS terms only, that is not ok.
Please, seek out some counselling for yourself.. i would suggest you start with your gp and ask for a referral to the CPN, she/he will be based in your doctor's surgery and available to have a chat with you and put some actions into place to get YOU well.
Believe me, i know how hard it is to turn your focus off HIM and onto you, i struggled with it for months and months, and then, all of a sudden a lightbulb came on and i just felt differently, i controlled what i could control: ME, i let go of what i couldnt control, my AH's behaviour.
I know you are desperately trying to justify why he does what he does to you, ive been there, tried to do that and nearly drove myself insane. When the people here tell you that you need to start with YOU, they are telling the truth. It is a hard, hard thing to do, and some of us go one way and others another, but we all have ONE thing in common: we finally put ourselves first. That means in all ways, look at your strengths and weaknesses, look at your behaviour patterns, discard unhelpful ones one by one, take babysteps in looking after yourself. Your AH is an adult, he can look (and does look) after himself, at a huge cost to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Confused39 
I read a post on SR that if an addict has control issues it is more difficult for them to begin their recovery. My husband has control issues everything has to be in the right place the right time. We couldn't spend money on fun things like going out or weekends away until all our debt was clear. Needless to say the debt still isn't cleared and he's left. He can't begin to think about the current situation until he has moved into his new place in June and only then will he know if he wants to drink every night because he can't do it at his mothers. Everything has to b the right time the right place etc So what I am asking is. Is it more difficult for an addict to recover if he has control issues.
Is control born of arrogance? My husband announced he was moving out because the kids and I were making him use crack- full abandonment.... Likely he wanted us out of the way so he could use full throttle.
A month later he suddenly announces that he is moving back in. I finally got the courage to say "no" where I hadn't before. And he was extremely angry!! He couldn't believe that I refused his demand to just pick up where he left off. He's so angry- he's been able to manipulate everything and me, and now he can't. Addicts/alcoholics are masters if manipulation and manipulation is a game of control.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, if he is using crack it is all about him and nothing to do with anything you or your kids do or don't do.
He blames you because the alternative would be to own his bad behaviour. He cannot control himself or his addiction, so he may feel a need to control you or the children, in order for his life not to appear "out of control", which of course it is when crack is in the picture.
You have him pegged completely and are very wise to keep space between you right now. If he wants to get clean he will take action to do so, until then you would simply expose your children to the insanity of living with an active crack addict.
Keeping you all in my prayers, it must be a very difficult time for you.
He blames you because the alternative would be to own his bad behaviour. He cannot control himself or his addiction, so he may feel a need to control you or the children, in order for his life not to appear "out of control", which of course it is when crack is in the picture.
You have him pegged completely and are very wise to keep space between you right now. If he wants to get clean he will take action to do so, until then you would simply expose your children to the insanity of living with an active crack addict.
Keeping you all in my prayers, it must be a very difficult time for you.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I know I should see someone because I am driving myself crazy. If he gives the slightest bit of hope I push for him to spend time with me then he ignores me for a few hours before replying to me. See when he doesn't reply I send more messages and then I think I've done something wrong. I know i am behaving irrationally and I think because he knows me and knows that I will send more messages and my anxiety will increase. Is he manipulating me? And how do I stop texting him asking him questions about why he chose drink over me and his kids. I have so many questions and either he doesn't have the answers or he won't give me the answers. I know I should not contact him but I don't know how to stop. I am going mad I have so many questions and as he won't answer them I come up with my own answers which are all negative about me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
Hun, it is simple.... hard, but simple... TURN OFF your mobile, KEEP IT OFF, give it to one of your kids if one of them is old enough, put it in the most akward place you can think of if theyre not! Just dont answer...
You wont get answers to your questions.. at least not from him, i DID get answers, and believe me, i dont like them. At first i felt rage/anger/fury over the explanation.. but i had asked for it over and over and eventually got it: it had nothing to do with ME and everything with AH liking to be high, wanting the drugs and then after a while, NEEDING them. Im none the happier knowing these things, in fact, that has opened a whole different can of worms for me.
You need to try and do what we all here did... STAY OFF THAT CRAZY TRAIN. The first day, its hard, unexplainably hard, i ended up sobbing in the shower for 45 minutes, then took 2 hours to do my hair, then hopped on here, then made endless cups of coffee... anything to stay on my little platform and to NOT board that train. I waved it goodbye as it left the station.
The next day, it was a little easier... though i did end up getting right back on that ride around dinner time.
Now, 2 weeks in (with the help of some meds) and you can normally find me here on my platform... ive put a blog post about it up, read it if you like
You need to decide for YOURSELF that enough is enough, and YOU need to take control of YOU..
I do detect some DV (at the very least there seems to be emotional abuse involved here) so if that is the case, please ring the Domestic Violence Hotline.. they WILL listen and understand.
To answer your question, again, yes, he IS manipulating you, yes, he IS playing mind games with you, yes, he IS controlling the situation from all angles... now, for your and your kids' sake, take back that control over YOU. You cannot and will not control HIM but YOU can change how you react to these situations.
You wont get answers to your questions.. at least not from him, i DID get answers, and believe me, i dont like them. At first i felt rage/anger/fury over the explanation.. but i had asked for it over and over and eventually got it: it had nothing to do with ME and everything with AH liking to be high, wanting the drugs and then after a while, NEEDING them. Im none the happier knowing these things, in fact, that has opened a whole different can of worms for me.
You need to try and do what we all here did... STAY OFF THAT CRAZY TRAIN. The first day, its hard, unexplainably hard, i ended up sobbing in the shower for 45 minutes, then took 2 hours to do my hair, then hopped on here, then made endless cups of coffee... anything to stay on my little platform and to NOT board that train. I waved it goodbye as it left the station.
The next day, it was a little easier... though i did end up getting right back on that ride around dinner time.
Now, 2 weeks in (with the help of some meds) and you can normally find me here on my platform... ive put a blog post about it up, read it if you like
You need to decide for YOURSELF that enough is enough, and YOU need to take control of YOU..
I do detect some DV (at the very least there seems to be emotional abuse involved here) so if that is the case, please ring the Domestic Violence Hotline.. they WILL listen and understand.
To answer your question, again, yes, he IS manipulating you, yes, he IS playing mind games with you, yes, he IS controlling the situation from all angles... now, for your and your kids' sake, take back that control over YOU. You cannot and will not control HIM but YOU can change how you react to these situations.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks lost hope. There was DV at the start but not in years and when I think about it he can be controlling emotionally and financially. I am taking back control over my own finances now I just don't know how to take control over me. At times I want him to know I will always be here to support him and others I never want to see him or speak to him again. It changes from one minute to the next.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
yeah that is the rollercoaster early self recovery is hun 
it isnt pretty, it isnt easy.. it feels downright impossible at times, but, one day at a time (actually scrap that the first few days it was every 1/2 hr at a time) it will get easier .. i promise!
And just because you "think" there was no abuse in recent years doesnt mean there wasnt... i swore blind the night we left my abusive X that he hadnt attacked me that night.. until my eldest said "mum, he had you up the door by your throat, he just didnt split your lip this time" i was convinced that he hadnt done anything wrong (because i was so used to the verbal, emotional and physical abuse my mind translated a lot of twisted things as "normal") .. if you think it may help, speak to someone at women's aid, they will help you unmuddle a lot of this.
You can do this, you are strong enough to do this, you will find the strength you need.. if not straight away for a whole day, then for an hour or even only 10 minutes at a time.. those all add up!!
it isnt pretty, it isnt easy.. it feels downright impossible at times, but, one day at a time (actually scrap that the first few days it was every 1/2 hr at a time) it will get easier .. i promise! And just because you "think" there was no abuse in recent years doesnt mean there wasnt... i swore blind the night we left my abusive X that he hadnt attacked me that night.. until my eldest said "mum, he had you up the door by your throat, he just didnt split your lip this time" i was convinced that he hadnt done anything wrong (because i was so used to the verbal, emotional and physical abuse my mind translated a lot of twisted things as "normal") .. if you think it may help, speak to someone at women's aid, they will help you unmuddle a lot of this.
You can do this, you are strong enough to do this, you will find the strength you need.. if not straight away for a whole day, then for an hour or even only 10 minutes at a time.. those all add up!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Confused - coming away from - living with an addict - it leaves scars. It did for me.
I went from angry and wanting a divorce... to non-stop worrying if he died and wanting to give him a hug. I understand the roller coaster. It's normal.
I have this plastered at work, at my home and I read it and repeat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I went from angry and wanting a divorce... to non-stop worrying if he died and wanting to give him a hug. I understand the roller coaster. It's normal.
I have this plastered at work, at my home and I read it and repeat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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