Husband72

My wife and I were married last year in February. I noticed shortly thereafter that alcohol was an issue with her. Of course, I did everything I could to help from tough love, to pleading to begging. Things got progressively worse and by June, I knew that this was not going to get better without real help.

My wife would blame my town being small and depressing and such. My family has 2 businesses and she went to work for them. Uon coming home each day she would begin to complain about work and more specifically, ny brother. Drunken tirades that ended with her passing out.

It got to the point where I had to stay awake most of the night in order that she did not awake and drive to the store. On a day where we were to visit her family, I awoke at 9 am and she was drunk so I had no choice but to call and cancel and share what was happening. That was 6 months into marriage.

After that, other incidents included not finding her way home after work and sleeping in the car, DUI at 9 am in the morning, detox facility which I am still blamed for taking her and ultimately a 6 week rehab facility.

After leaving there, she decided she was fine and did not need aftercare. As well, she claimed that the counselors said she was not an alcoholic. She stayed dry until March 1 of last month.

While we were seeking counseling individually, it became more apparent that my wife had convinced the counselors I needed to be less critical and that maybe I was the trigger. At that time, I politely told the counselors that I was putting this in God's hands and my marriage began to improve. That was in February. When my wife found out that I was no longer seeking the counselors advice, she told me she feared we would go backwards. I shared with her that our marriage was improving, it was really undeniable. Her reply was that God could not save our marriage alone......all along, alcohol was the issue.

On March 1, she left to go see her mother to finally exchange Christmas gifts as they had not seen one another. She never made it, she went to a Hyatt and proceeded to relapse. Sadly, 2 of her friends that were aware she was in rehab met her to drink with her. I told her that in order to return home, she needed a plan for God, Recovery and Marriage.....after 2 weeks of waiting we decided she could return. That night she called me and was drunk.

I felt we had hit bottom earlier but apparently not and I served divorce papers on the grounds of habitual drunkenness. I did and do not want a divorce, the intention was for her to make a choice. I wanted her to be brave and I wanted her to make a choice between alcohol and us. She had an attorney call mine and said that she would grant such if I removed the grounds and would not seek alimony due to my mental abuse.....sadly, she is now with those very friends (also alcoholics) that know better than to drink with her. I still pray that God pulls her close and that she recovers but I fear that with her surroundings, she may be about to witness a bottom she did not know existed.

The day she left our home, we hugged and said I love you so I am baffled that once she hit her home town she slid into this relapse. Does anyone know what she is going through or have any advice?

Fitchicky

I am sorry for your situation. Is the first time you have has to navigate through the rough waters of addiction? Addicts/alcoholics are not rational people. The same desires which drive a sober person do not appeal to an alcoholic. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but she will continue to surround herself with people who will support what she wants to do most, drink. "Drunk at 9am" did you not see this before you got married. My husband is a crack addict and the signs were there but still I could not see them- I can not. Slowly our eyes are opened but by then we are in over our heads. My advice is just to let her be. You can't save or change her, only she can do that if and when she wants to do so. I spent years trying to save my husband until it became an obsession. I was so crazy and determined to save him that I would put myself in danger- confronting crack dealers and threatening them. It only makes the addict more and more angry and upset. One supporter on sober recovery said "let go of be dragged" , don't let her blame you for anything. You've done nothing wrong, however you seem like a good man of faith; use your energy on someone who wants to be helped, yourself. Sign up for guitar lessons, a running race, volunteer...do something more meaningful than trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Don't look back like Lots wife, it will debilitate you. I guess I should take my own advice. Good luck.

Husband72

I truly did not see it. Now, the hatred towards me, blame as controlling and gets angry when I reach out to her friends for help. Privacy for us was gone when she was so drunk we could not attend her dad's birthday. Beyond that, It was further no longer prob it when she got the DUI on the way to work for my father. again, the last day I saw her we were completely in love and our marriage was improving. I understand now that she is pursuing a job but I just don't see that being successful and you are right, it is out of my hands but it is hard not to worry for her well being.

Fitchicky

Yes, but reaching out to her friends is going to backfire, especially if they are encouraging her to drink. I know, I KNOW, how hard it is to separate yourself from her, you need to save her, right? Addiction has many faces and the woman who kissed you goodbye has been replaced by the one who wants to drink at 9am, and you're in the way. She must decide on recovery on her own, in her own time. You are powerless, just accept it and work on yourself. Living with an addict can slowly turn a spouse into a codependent. I was shocked to realize that this had slowly happened to me. I wanted to control every aspect of his life to protect him from using and in the end, he just ended up blaming me and gave him more of a reason to use. You have to detach...
.

Butterfly

Hi husband72. I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. Understanding addiction is difficult. Arm yourself with as much information about addiction as you can to build your understanding. My husband has been an alcoholic for over 18 years but I didn't recognise the signs until much later. I tried everything tough love pleading begging ultimatums you name it I tried it but to no avail. When it comes to addiction the person only sees how they can get their next drink they don't/can't think about the impact of their actions. My husband promised me many times that he would never drink again I was too important to him to lose. Unfortunately the drink became more important.

Alcoholics surround themselves with similar people, people who will tell the person they don't have a drink problem. It is only the alcoholic who can recognise they need help and it is only then will they seek help.

Seek support for yourself to help you recover and arm yourself with as much information as you can about addiction.

Take care

Husband72

I have heard this a lot and I have not reached out to anyone but my minister.

I truly thought serving divorce papers would help her to look in the mirror. I did not even hear from her. So, that plan backfired. I am disappointed at our mutual friends that are letting her live in the basement. They say that she seems fine but mainly keeps to herself in the basement......and that is where I know the sneakiness of the addiction.

When she does leave the house, she meets with her other alcoholic friend. In one of our last convos she said she met for lunch and some wine and that she was an adult and it was an adult decision. Meanwhile, I spent 30k on rehab for you.....ugh.

Like I mentioned, I was told if I remove habitual drunkenness from the motion (my only grounds) she would not seek alimony on emotional abuse which is a joke. I stood by her every moment, essentially babysitting. My Dad never even fired her from her job, she just walked off it and came home to drink. I had clients I was showing property to in the car when my Dad called to ask if I had seen my wife. Needless to say, I lost the clients and that income because they could see right through me when I had to rush home for an "emergency"......

Thanks for the words of encouragement. My court date will be next month and I cringe to even think of having to go through that knowing she is self destructing. She has not finished her ADSAP classes to keep her license so I know that soon they will find her driving and that will be yet another probem for her....very sad.

Has anyone seen a change in a loved one (kids not involved) from a pending divorce? With me, I felt like it had to be done instead of waiting a year down the road hoping for change...in SC it takes a year.

totfit

I have no advice. It appears she made her choice to drink above all. That is not an unusual choice at all for an alcoholic. It may be fortunate for you the way things are working out. You have your life ahead of you and she has her own. The main thing is that now you have a multitude of choices in life and hers will be severely limited by the choice she made to continue to drink. Were it me, I would not look back. In the long run, it may be best for her also. She may wake up one of these days and get sober. I know this as I speak from her shoes. You are not abandoning her. You are doing what you have to do for yourself. Remember that.

CodeJob

Hi husband.

Welcome to SR. You tried to manipulate an adult to do what you want by serving divorce papers you did not fully mean. You wanted her to come crying to you that she made a mistake, she loves you more than alcohol, and you two will live with her grateful to you each day for her recovery.

She sounds terribly dependent on you and your family connections. Sounds like you and family has enabled her as well. You've got a wicked case of codependency.

You mentioned you are in a small town and your family sounds well known. Would you try an Al Anon meeting? Otherwise you can read a lot of threads here on SR and you might start piecing together that you both played a role in this relationship failing. The book I found most clear is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

L0stH0pe

actually ... im normally the first one to balk at the label "codependency" but i think CJ has hit the nail on the head... for your own sanity i think you need to look at some treatment for YOU..

there are all sorts of red flags going up for me when i read your posts, your STBAXW (lol these acronyms are getting longer and longer) didnt ASK for you to pay for rehab, YOU chose that for HER, your wife maybe didnt want to work for the family business YOU decided that for HER.. it may sound brutal, but it sounds like you were trying to control her a little too much and she rebelled in the only way she knew, she started drinking again.

You need to let go, she is giving you a clear message... whether your behaviour could be construed as mental abuse in a court is a matter i wouldnt want to comment on, but i think if she gives an itemized list of all the things you "expected" her to do, or "made" her do against her wishes, may well be counted against you. Im not trying to scare you or tell you you were wrong, im just telling you how this could be translated from the outside.

Get yourself well, then you will be able to see clearer what you want to do...

Husband72

Codejob, I will admit that I am codependent and sought therapy at the same time she sought therapy for addiction. She came out and stated she was not an alcoholic and I was taught to set boundaries, which I did through counseling and the Family Program that Pavillon offered.

I am sure in the early stages I was even more codependent but even that backfired. Through my counselors advice it was her responsibility to get her car towed from the field and it was her that should bail herself out of jail. Now, I hear that I should have bailed her out faster and you did not love me to come get me fast enough.

My family gave her a job, just to work with customers in a consignment store....she loved it at first and then it became a sore subject because my family works too hard or brother is too lazy, etc. She always had the option of finding something else but never took it. I made that clear with my entire family.

At the family program we were asked to set boundaries and here is where I am to blame in some fashion. My boundaries were that I would not live in your relapse or active addiction. I reiterated this when she relapsed and simply said if you want to come home, you need to give me a plan for God, recovery and marriage. My mistake, because I broke my word on boundaries. Divorce papers were a codependent effort, I agree. I just hoped to see a brave response and that may be selfish, but bravely I stood by her when her parents offered her know help. I take that responsibility. Now, I feel I just have to stick with the boundaries I set.

We had to read those boundaries in front of a group at Pavillon and when I read them, I can tell you it was most unsettling to her in the form of anger and not "I get it".

Husband72

Losthope, the job she took with my family was prefaced with "this is your choice and if it does not suit you, leave it. But do not stay there if you are unhappy". I see your point, however. As for rehab, after the night in the car because she couldn't get home she said if anything after that occurred, she needed rehab. She chose the facility and went on her own after a DUI at 9am headed to work.. I just don't think she went thinking she had a problem and treated it as a vacation but I do see and hear your points.

L0stH0pe

thanks h72, that clears some points i was just going by "face value"... the thing is, until SHE herself sees that SHE has a problem and wants to do something about it, nobody and nothing can "make" her, however good your intentions are.

It is clear that you love her, however, i would ask you.. is it a healthy, equal kind of love? or was it a "knight in shining armour" scenario? dont answer me, just look to yourself and be honest with yourself.

Maybe you need to do a cost/benefit analysis... write down all the good points of your marriage, then all the bad points and see how that leaves you feeling about the situation. If it is down to semantics in the divorce, maybe ask your attorney of an "alternative phrase" .. my FIL is a magistrate and he says he frequently comes across cases where he "can read between the lines"..

You mention you spoke to your pastor, i would say, if that gives you comfort and reassurance and help, keep speaking to him/her. Get as many friends and people on YOUR side as you can, keep working on what you learned and take care of yourself.

Firefall

We are the enemy of their addiction to whatever substance. So sorry for your pain.
God Bless.

Ann

I too am sorry for your pain. Nothing we do or do not do can make them drink or use, nothing we do or don't do can make them stop. Only they have the power to make that choice and it usually takes a harsh awakening for them to find the pain of using is greater than the fear of stopping.

You didn't cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

Many of us found our balance again through Al-anon or CoDA. Those meetings literally saved my life when I was living in the darkness of my son's addiction. Counseling for yourself may help you overcome the feeling of guilt or lack of control that you may feel. There are other programs as well outlined on the forums here, but getting help for yourself may be the first step to finding your own balance in all this.

The best people to share your pain with are peer support, like SR and at meetings and counselors who understand addiction. Sharing with friends and family just brings them into a world that they don't understand and forces them to take sides.

My prayers go out for all of you, it's just sad to watch our dreams crumble under the weight of drugs and alcohol.

Hugs