Misc72

Made a post a week ago about husband sneaking to smoke. Went on and on about not the smoking that bothers me but the deceptive behavior (sneaking). We went on and on and I told him that I can't take being lied too trust broken. IF you want to smoke, at least get an electronic one so it isn't such a nuisance. Anyway, promises were mad and we made up. I was depressed for a few days because it hurt that he feels he has to sneak. I'm his wife not his mom. I even smoke occasionally.

Soooo... after all that crap I come home home early yesterday because I forgot my son's medicine, "GUESS WHO IS OUT BACK SMOKING". Wow, he even bought me flowers after the last time.

If it happens again I have divorce him or something because I can't be with someone I can't trust. I'd rather go through the pain of losing him rather than the pain of not trusting him.

What to do??? Been through this lying crap too many times. Eventually it will be that he is hiding more and more.

Misc72

And let me add, the first thing i wanted to do was drink. and I still have an urge big time. I'm not giving in though.

Also, let me add, my husband and I run a business together. So this is big for me. I'm so discouraged. I know it is his business whether he smokes drinks or whatever... but it is my business if he is lying and being deceptive. If I choose to end the marriage our business ends too. It's big for me. Trust is everything...

Holli

You would end your marriage because your husband is sneaking a cigarette? Perhaps you should consider couples counseling.

Misc72

Holli no not because of the cigarette, because of the sneaking. I did couples therapy with my last marriage and it was a joke. Maybe I'm just not marriage material. I have high expectations, like 'honesty'.

Misc72

I'd rather him say, "I'm a smoker, deal with it." Then to lie about it. OMG it's so frustrating. I'm bruttaly honest even if it hurts, I guess I expect the same.

GunnyL

Why is he making the promise?

Out of the blue? Or because he doesn't want to disappoint an expectation you have of him?

Misc72

I know expectations are premeditated resentments so I don't have many. But honesty is a given isn't it? Should I expect anything different? Like I said smoking isn't the issue. It is the deceptive behavior. Things were going so awesome....

Carlotta

This is not about his sneaking, this is about your attempt at controlling and his attempt at evading your control.
You don't want him to smoke, he wants to but know you will nag and lecture so he sneaks. He has a right to smoke, his nicotine addiction is his.
How are you doing with your recovery?

wackybunny

My bf sometimes wants to talk to me about my smoking and while I let him have his say, I do remind him that it has no effect on my addiction. If that were the case, all addicts would only need one partner who didn't want them to be addicted and hey presto. But you're saying you're ok with him smoking, just not the lying. Maybe it's his own deal. Like I project fears of being treated like a child onto my bf. He is very understanding but I'm harder on myself than he is so anything he says gets multiplied in my head. I just quit weed and am planning to quit cigarettes but god help my bf if he tries to get involved with that delicate process.

Carlotta

This was posted on the friends and family forum (about drinking).
I hope you find the thread helpful re your husband's smoking >just switch drink for smoke< http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-drink.html

wackybunny

Oh, and I wouldn't say brutal honesty is a given. It's some people's expectations and relationships but many of us manage with a fine balance.

Holli

Interesting linked thread, m1k1 is a "thought provocateur"!

Carlotta

When I originally saw the tittle, I forgot about my Al Anon recovery and almost jumped off my seat then I read it and I was like he is absolutely right. Good stuff on that thread.

Misc72

I just want to trust. The issue is still the lying deceitful sneaking behavior. I learned 20 years ago that we can't control others. Just trying to make my exit plan if the deceptive behavior doesn't stop. I don't think you understand where I'm coming from. My recovery is a work in pro g press everyday. But not a drop in over 4 months. I proactively work on myself everyday. And accepting this deceitful behavior from my spouse goes against everything I am seeking in my life.

Misc72

Read the thread. Yes he has the right to drink smoke or prostitute. Not my issue. Issue is lying about it. Which is why I have the right to quit this relationship. If there isn't trust there isn't anything. Different issue at hand but good stuff nevertheless.

quitforme79

I am with Carlotta. You are a wise one. And I love Grumpy cat

LadyBlue0527

So if he tells you that he doesn't want to get an electronic cigarette and wants to smoke regular cigarettes then you'll be fine with that?

Misc72

Seems like the popular vote is that I should be ok with lying deceptive behavior. Must be smokers supporting the cause. But if anyone heard me it's not the smoking It's the sneaking. Will someone please chime in with something encouraging....

Misc72

Ladybugs I fact I lit one up in front of him and said to him this is honesty. Why the sneaking?

LadyBlue0527

I heard you and I fully understand, my husband is a porn addict so if you want to discuss deception and lying I could go on all day long.

With that being said I had asked you then if your problem is with the deception and not the cigarettes then is it ok for him to smoke so that he's not deceiving you?