FreeOwl

Just got a call from a friend I haven't hung out with in a long whille. Each time I've seen him I could tell I'd fallen off the map of he and that group's 'regulars' in the past year. Anyway, he called me up to ask if I'd like to join he and some others for some cheeseburgers and day-drinking. A warm up to a party this evening.

"Sorry man, I'm busy doing some wiring - but maybe see you tonight...."

A nostalgic pang about not going off to join friends hit me. But hey, I have a lot of crap to catch up on, it's a beautiful day out there and at some stage I'll take the dog for a walk in the sunny-gorgeous light. I'll get my chores chipped away at. I'll spend time doing things I've been bothered I'm not getting to.

I'll sort of feel a little glum about not hopping on a chance to be with friends, but this will be the better choice.

Funny that I'd miss hanging out on a sunny day - inside a bar drinking and eating burgers while the world passed me by. But today a part of me does.

Guess I just have to acknowledge that part, acknowledge the sense of loss of not being with the guys, and then move on to be grateful for the clearheaded sobriety and the progress on things I've been really needing to tend to.

Stoogy

It's perfectly natural to miss it on some level but you have to make a conscious decision for the greater benefit, sober isn't always exciting but it's a positive and healthy state of body and mind.

FreeOwl

yep, I agree. I just needed to type it out to let it out and move on I suppose.

It still bothers me a little bit. There are people I'd still like to hang with and see more often. Things I'd like to do with them, but a lot of the activities center around drinking. While I can go and be with drinkers and around drinking without too much challenge for the most part, I don't want to go do something that is purely about drinking.

I guess I'm in a phase of realizing some of the friendships and groups I've really enjoyed are going to be personally harder for me to maintain close ties with because there's so much drinking around.

And, I guess it's been so habitual for me - on a sunny snowy day - to make alcohol a part of it that it triggers a little sense of sadness or something when the opportunity is there and I choose to stay home and work on my chores instead.

Well.... nobody said it was always going to be easy.

Misc72

I miss it too, especially on days like this... But it doesn't end after the buzz hits. That's part of this nightmare. For me it would go on and on into the wee hours of the night. Stupid **** would happen, followed by days of hangover. It is difficult I know!! But tomorrow when all your friends are hurting, you'll feel great and accomplished. It is the better path. Be strong.

Dee74

After a while I knew I was totally committed to being sober - I preferred being sober...and when I did seek out a few old friends...thats commonality was not there anymore.

I can sit in a beer garden on a sunny day and listen to a jazz band for example but I no longer belong there and I rarely stay for more than one set.

It's the smell, the noise of insane chatter, the drunks. I'm not scared, I'm not disgusted...It's just not *me* anymore.

It's a visceral thing.

I prefer to go to a park concert or something now.

Thepatman

What Dee is saying comes from experience of someone that completely revamped his life.

This is where I am at now, figuring out who I want to be. I don't know who I am anymore, 20 years of everyday drinking from age 18 is all I know.

Lately spending time alone with my son and my new puppy. It's saturday night, I know the old boys are out hitting the booze hard.

But tomorrow morning, I will fresh as a tulip in spring time. ;-)

Call one of the guys super early tomorrow morning, you will hear hell in his voice. LOL!

FreeOwl

Dee... I get ya.

Tonight I'm going to see some friends play music. Haven't been to their new band yet because they're typically performing in bars. This venue is a non-alcoholic family setting in a comfortable space at the university here in town. Kinda like a living room gig with tea, coffee and lemonade.

I'll still hit the bar for a show from time to time because I do really enjoy the music - but the surrounding now makes me feel out of place and reflect on "what the hell is the point of this".

I called my long-distance sponsor after this original post. Talking with him helped a bit. I still feel a cast of glum today.... I think the phone call is just one small part of it. I've been carrying a lot of stress lately and feel surrounded and overwhelmed by a lot of crap in life. Nothing terrible, nothing huge, just a sheer VOLUME of life's day to day stuff all piling up.

I took the dog for a walk and the fresh air and quiet sunny beauty was a nice getaway. Maybe I'm hitting a hump in my sobriety right now that has crept up on me. Maybe it's just finally a day where there's enough space for things to kind of "hit" me. I often stay so frantically busy that there's really not time to catch up with my feelings.

FreeOwl

ok, now this is starting to kind of **** me off....

Tonight during the music show I went to, several times the lyrics made me think of drinking. Not craving really... but envisioning situations where I'd normally be drinking and then feeling that old tug of 'well surely you could just do THAT without it being a problem'.

Then stopped by a bar to say hello to my Lady and some of her friends (she was out for a bit and had a beer and some fries... she's a hardly-ever drinker sort) and felt a little frustrated being surrounded by drinking. Another friend came in - quite lit up - and insisted "we've GOT to have a drink together!!" I brushed it off with a no thanks, I'm good... and got out of there quickly. I found the environment noisy and chaotic and overbearing and not at all fun. Still, there was a tug of feeling 'different' and 'left out'.

I guess there must be something about a few months. I'm about 98 days in now and hadn't had any of these issues until very recently. Looking back on my 'almost six months', I think this was the stage that it started happening that time too... the AV trying to talk me back into moderate drinking.

It's frustrating. I want it to go the eff away.

Anyway, last time around I don't think I really talked about it so maybe venting it out will help if from building up. And the past few weeks have been pretty fraught with stress, so maybe it's just a phase to move through.

So, there's that. Thanks for listening.

Rar

Although I haven't had the length of sobriety you have Free Owl, I understand what your saying as I am beginning to have similar situations in my life making me feel left out. What is helping me presently is reminding my self how much better I feel physically.

bigsombrero

I hear ya, FreeOwl. I just skipped my annual Fantasy Baseball Draft with my 12 buddies last weekend under very similar circumstances. It really got me pretty twisted up.

You mentioned that you are coming to terms with not participating in these things for a while. I think that's a good step and quite honestly it's the right move. There's got to be something else out there for folks like us now. The hard part is finding that "something", and even harder still is the realization that you'll be making a lot of lifelong changes in the social arena. And when you participate in events with old friends like you did at the concert tonight, it can be super frustrating: you're doing the "right thing" by not drinking, but you feel depressed about the experience. That doesn't do much for the reward centers in the brain, does it?

You're more than welcome to vent, we're here to listen and support.

Goldcoastgirl

Hang in there FreeOwl, you are doing so good. I can only imagine how difficult tonight has been for you but you got through it. You seem so determined to stick with being sober, I really admire you for that and reading your post makes me more determined too. Thanks for sharing x

BrentSC

I think you share this feeling with many who were social drinkers. It's Saturday night and I would've been out socializing with a group of friends at this time if I were still drinking, but instead I'm sitting on my couch at home. When I first stopped drinking, I envied those who were out drinking and I was angry that I couldn't do that. I'm now becoming more confident in my decision to distance myself from that lifestyle and the thought of going out and getting drunk has lost much of its appeal. The fact that it's so difficult to maintain a social life in adulthood without alcohol is what I'm struggling to deal with now.

bigsombrero

Same here, Brent. I think I'll post something separately so I don't step on Owl's thread.

IWillWin

Owl - I feel the same. I am still coming to terms with the fact that today's version of me does not enjoy spending days and days in hotel rooms with copious drugs and booze. That's what my friends do for vacation. I cannot and will not anymore. But it does make me sad. I had some of the best times of my life with them. But their active addictions just make it impossible for me to be a part of their adventures.

Day drinking was my favorite kind. Good for you for passing it up and for getting through the rest of the day without cracking. It's a hard and lonely road we walk sometimes but the consequences of what used to be fun are too great for us to give up.

You deserve a round of applause!! Happy sober Sunday!!

firstymer

It's Sunday morning and I struggled last night with some of the same things you all have been posting about. It continues to be frustrating, albeit slightly LESS frustrating with each passing month. But, as I said, it's Sunday morning, and I am up early, guilt-free ready to tackle the day.

Bottom line for me: the few and temporary frustrations that I occasionally experience are nothing compared to the positive feelings that come from waking up sober to a perfect Sunday morning. Be strong everybody.

FreeOwl

Thanks everyone.

It's Sunday morning and I was up at 5:15. Had a nice breakfast with my Lady, now getting a start on some chores. Gonna hit the gym later and have some stuff planned today that involves physical activity which I'd be wrecked for in my days of drinking.

That 20-30 minutes I spent in the bar last night was interesting because while it did make me feel out of place and a little remorseful to not be participating, it also made me realize something else; The place was crowded and noisy and to even 'socialize' one had to holler into the face or ear of the person one was attempting to communicate with. It was an overwhelming, chaotic, noisy environment and looking around at the packed-in masses - even as I felt that sense of being left out - I had to wonder why anyone would really WANT to spend their life that way...

So strange.

Anyway, I feel a little better about it all today. I'm glad I didn't go out day drinking and stay out until bar close and beyond having the same conversations I've had a thousand times before and waking up feeling like crap today.

Thank you all for helping me work it through.

Stoogy

Well done FreeOwl,

Major step taken by you to be in the presence of drinkers especially in a bar which is the primary source of such misery for pretty much everyone logging on right here. You should be justifiably proud of yourself.

Stuart.

Eddiebuckle

FreeOwl,

"Moderation" is the lie that we try to convince ourselves. The truth is that I am and always will be a binary drinker: it's zero or 100%, there is nothing in between. 0 is my choice, and I have to do a small amount of work every day to maintain it. Choosing to avoid difficult or dangerous situations is part of that work.

Stoogy

Hey Eddie, great post, and a fine example to why we are here, just trying to be the best version of ourselves there is.🍔🍟 lunchtime calls.

FreeOwl

yeah... I know that moderation doesn't work for me.

I also know that I do not wish to live a life where I must 'avoid' situations where alcohol will be present. As one poster mentioned above, it's really difficult... even next to impossible, to be an adult in this society and not find oneself in the company of drinkers at some point.

But now that's an area where perhaps moderation is possible. I will choose to 'moderate' the exposure to such circumstances because of the conflicting feelings and responses that can arise for me based on my addictive habits.