One sober day.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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One sober day.
What a gift one sober day can be. I have no expectations of what will be of the rest of the day or tomorrow. I am living in today as it is, as I've been this past week during relapse and one other sober day last Monday. I was feeling just as much at peace yesterday as I am today, but now I see the gift that the sober day is.
I NEVER expected to be grateful for a relapse. I have learned so much about myself this past week and have grown stronger and given up my fear. AH and I have both reached out for help and also looked inward for growth, each in our own ways. We've had some good conversations where we've communicated more than in the past three months. I'm okay with not knowing what tomorrow brings. We have options. We've laid them out, explored them and left open room for other ideas.
I was open with DS (7) for the first time yesterday about his dad being ill because of alcohol. AH would rather have kept avoiding that, but we were facing a lot of things together and the timing was right. DS has severe food intolerances that also can create cravings for the foods that hurt his body, if he eats them. He actually stole some candy a few different times last year (from the pantry, his brother and his teacher) before we became diligent about making sure no trace of cane or corn sugars are in any of his food. He was easily accepting of alcohol being a problem for dad. He knows. He's heard us talk before, but this was the first time for us to be fully open and honest with talking to him. A bunch of group hugs and kisses there.
We drove to the city yesterday for an AA meeting and to spend time together. (2 hrs each way) We were both fully aware that whether or not to go in would be up to him. I had been to an Alanon meeting at the same place before, so I was comfortable going in with him, for our son and I to use the restrooms and to show DS where he can hang out if he ever comes with me to a meeting there. Then DS and I went to the food coop to eat dinner and buy a few groceries. We got back before the meeting was over and AH was already out walking on the sidewalk. I asked if it was a short meeting and he said he left early. I'm okay with that. I reminded him that getting through the door is the hardest part and sometimes I don't realize what I take away until days or weeks later. The action of going in itself is a positive one, even if there are no other results. This was his first meeting since getting out of rehab two months ago.
We went to a climbing center for the first time and rented shoes for DS. It didn't take long for me to rent shoes for myself also! I'm not in shape at all, but I had so much fun. DS was able to do some climbing on the overhang hall. I stuck to the easy wall. Balleying was really cool. I was the ground man but I'd like to try it myself sometime.
AH was not sober although it'd been a very long time since his last drink. It doesn't seem like his body is processing alcohol well at all. That was another thing we had talked about this week. I was asking for honesty, not to judge him but to know at what point he may need immediate medical help. His appt with his doctor is on Monday. I can't save him and I'm not trying to. I can walk beside him, each of us fully responsible only for ourselves. For right now, for today, this is enough. I am truly happy right where I am. I've explained to him that I'm not happy that he is hurting, but I when I can be, I will be happy in spite of that. I wasn't embarrassed or apologetic for him being in dirty clothes and not being sober. He had changed clothes before we left, but instead of putting on clean clothes he had put on other dirty clothes that were less dirty than the work clothes he'd been wearing. It was the best he could do for himself yesterday, and I was okay with that.
I NEVER expected to be grateful for a relapse. I have learned so much about myself this past week and have grown stronger and given up my fear. AH and I have both reached out for help and also looked inward for growth, each in our own ways. We've had some good conversations where we've communicated more than in the past three months. I'm okay with not knowing what tomorrow brings. We have options. We've laid them out, explored them and left open room for other ideas.
I was open with DS (7) for the first time yesterday about his dad being ill because of alcohol. AH would rather have kept avoiding that, but we were facing a lot of things together and the timing was right. DS has severe food intolerances that also can create cravings for the foods that hurt his body, if he eats them. He actually stole some candy a few different times last year (from the pantry, his brother and his teacher) before we became diligent about making sure no trace of cane or corn sugars are in any of his food. He was easily accepting of alcohol being a problem for dad. He knows. He's heard us talk before, but this was the first time for us to be fully open and honest with talking to him. A bunch of group hugs and kisses there.
We drove to the city yesterday for an AA meeting and to spend time together. (2 hrs each way) We were both fully aware that whether or not to go in would be up to him. I had been to an Alanon meeting at the same place before, so I was comfortable going in with him, for our son and I to use the restrooms and to show DS where he can hang out if he ever comes with me to a meeting there. Then DS and I went to the food coop to eat dinner and buy a few groceries. We got back before the meeting was over and AH was already out walking on the sidewalk. I asked if it was a short meeting and he said he left early. I'm okay with that. I reminded him that getting through the door is the hardest part and sometimes I don't realize what I take away until days or weeks later. The action of going in itself is a positive one, even if there are no other results. This was his first meeting since getting out of rehab two months ago.
We went to a climbing center for the first time and rented shoes for DS. It didn't take long for me to rent shoes for myself also! I'm not in shape at all, but I had so much fun. DS was able to do some climbing on the overhang hall. I stuck to the easy wall. Balleying was really cool. I was the ground man but I'd like to try it myself sometime.
AH was not sober although it'd been a very long time since his last drink. It doesn't seem like his body is processing alcohol well at all. That was another thing we had talked about this week. I was asking for honesty, not to judge him but to know at what point he may need immediate medical help. His appt with his doctor is on Monday. I can't save him and I'm not trying to. I can walk beside him, each of us fully responsible only for ourselves. For right now, for today, this is enough. I am truly happy right where I am. I've explained to him that I'm not happy that he is hurting, but I when I can be, I will be happy in spite of that. I wasn't embarrassed or apologetic for him being in dirty clothes and not being sober. He had changed clothes before we left, but instead of putting on clean clothes he had put on other dirty clothes that were less dirty than the work clothes he'd been wearing. It was the best he could do for himself yesterday, and I was okay with that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Keeping the faith, what a great post. You are working your program so well, using all your tools, staying sane and serene. What a super job of taking care of yourself and your side of the street and letting the A take care of his side! "Let go or be dragged"--this is what it looks like to really let go, I think.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Keepingthefaith, I am in awe of you. I promised myself that if RAH relapsed, that it is over. I just feel like I could never overcome the previous years of being patient, detached, and praying for change with another cycle of using.
I just don't think I can do what you are writing so eloquently about. Peace, hugs and resolve! I am also glad you discharged about talking with DS. It helps to have everyone operating with the same level of honesty.
Peace & hugs!
I just don't think I can do what you are writing so eloquently about. Peace, hugs and resolve! I am also glad you discharged about talking with DS. It helps to have everyone operating with the same level of honesty.
Peace & hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I didn't think I could do this either! I am overwhelmingly amazed at this feeling inside of me. Serenity, peace, compassion, acceptance and strength. I swore I'd be gone if he wasn't actively working at his recovery, let alone if he ever started drinking again -- for my own sanity. I've given myself up completely and have changed. I still have some triggers (esp. with other people) and more work to do, but I keep applying the skills I've learned and am working those out also. Life happens and I'm okay with not having all the answers.
I cannot thank you all of you here enough for all the support you've given to me and others.
I cannot thank you all of you here enough for all the support you've given to me and others.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
This is to acknowledge and share the peace inside me. I've gained support, knowledge, new skills and have found how to reach out for help. No one here or anywhere else could have forced me to see things outside of where I was at during any given time, but they all were able to share from their experiences and that helped me start my journey of recovery. I have a long road ahead, but I'm finally seeing the good in where I'm going and where I've been.
My controlling phases weren't good, but I've learned from those also. Awareness can take quite some time.
I had looked into Antabuse, but I'm holistic at heart from my own experiences. There are potential side effects that I'm not okay with, especially with my husband's medical history. Honestly, if my husband would have thought of it he might have looked into that this past week, but you have to stop drinking first in order to use it. Personally, I don't think that would have been good for us now, but for some people it can be a tool to use while working on learning more. If he wanted to use it, I wouldn't be able to stop him any more than I'd be able to force him to do it.
I've used the breathalyzer many times in the past to promote honesty, even though I knew it couldn't promote change. Arguing with a drunk who's telling me he's not drunk is insanity at it's finest. There where times where I did the codie yet responsible thing and took the keys so he couldn't drive on a public road. That's probably not for most people and can be dangerous. It worked for us, when I was strong enough to do this. Control was not something good for him or me, but there were times when I had to try because I didn't know anything else. Even with this, I was doing it more for me than for him. I couldn't let him drive drunk like that, if I knew he intended to. He has come to know I say what I mean and mean what I say. The breathalyzer put the reason for him not driving back to his blood alcohol level and not anything else. It took the emotion out of it for me. He agreed to using it, and would blow even when really not wanting to. There has been a part of him wanting help. I know how unhealthy it was, but we didn't know any other ways yet.
The breathalyzer also showed me just how far gone he was. The BA levels I was used to seeing, I didn't realize would hospitalize most people. I found that out when posting about the breathalyzer on these forums. The people around us were acting like nothing was wrong. It was the reality I was living in. No one could change that except me. I had tried reaching out for help to doctors, friends and family, but that was ineffective time and again so it was usually a long time between trying again. Two of the symptoms of alcoholism are denial and minimizing. Those symptoms are also seen in codependents. That isn't our fault, it's just a part of the disease. It takes time to open up. It takes time to be willing to change. And then, it takes more time to work on changing. None of it's easy. There were times I felt like I'd never make it through. There were times I wanted to live blindly in the chaotic world I knew because it even though it didn't make sense, it was all I did know. But even when I was low, a part of me wanted to heal and I kept working towards it, even when I didn't recognize doing that.
Through it all has been progress, not perfection. Including this week.
My blinders are off and thanks to a few months reprieve I have a completely difference reference point of what normal should be. He's been a danger only to himself and I've been able to let go and let be. If he would have been a danger to anyone else, or if I needed help even for myself because of not knowing what to do with him, I knew exactly what I would have done, who to call, how to turn that over to others to deal with. None of it had to be perfect, only that I had to give up any of that being my responsibility. There where times this week where we each had sat down and had to work out who to call and then make multiple calls. One after another. Voice mails, dead ends, etc. And yet we kept calling. It didn't matter who we didn't reach or if some of those couldn't help us. Some did. And some called back. Even hearing from ones who called back and couldn't help was good. We have been connecting with people and seeking help. My husband and I are still on two very different timelines of healing and that's okay.
My controlling phases weren't good, but I've learned from those also. Awareness can take quite some time.
I had looked into Antabuse, but I'm holistic at heart from my own experiences. There are potential side effects that I'm not okay with, especially with my husband's medical history. Honestly, if my husband would have thought of it he might have looked into that this past week, but you have to stop drinking first in order to use it. Personally, I don't think that would have been good for us now, but for some people it can be a tool to use while working on learning more. If he wanted to use it, I wouldn't be able to stop him any more than I'd be able to force him to do it.
I've used the breathalyzer many times in the past to promote honesty, even though I knew it couldn't promote change. Arguing with a drunk who's telling me he's not drunk is insanity at it's finest. There where times where I did the codie yet responsible thing and took the keys so he couldn't drive on a public road. That's probably not for most people and can be dangerous. It worked for us, when I was strong enough to do this. Control was not something good for him or me, but there were times when I had to try because I didn't know anything else. Even with this, I was doing it more for me than for him. I couldn't let him drive drunk like that, if I knew he intended to. He has come to know I say what I mean and mean what I say. The breathalyzer put the reason for him not driving back to his blood alcohol level and not anything else. It took the emotion out of it for me. He agreed to using it, and would blow even when really not wanting to. There has been a part of him wanting help. I know how unhealthy it was, but we didn't know any other ways yet.
The breathalyzer also showed me just how far gone he was. The BA levels I was used to seeing, I didn't realize would hospitalize most people. I found that out when posting about the breathalyzer on these forums. The people around us were acting like nothing was wrong. It was the reality I was living in. No one could change that except me. I had tried reaching out for help to doctors, friends and family, but that was ineffective time and again so it was usually a long time between trying again. Two of the symptoms of alcoholism are denial and minimizing. Those symptoms are also seen in codependents. That isn't our fault, it's just a part of the disease. It takes time to open up. It takes time to be willing to change. And then, it takes more time to work on changing. None of it's easy. There were times I felt like I'd never make it through. There were times I wanted to live blindly in the chaotic world I knew because it even though it didn't make sense, it was all I did know. But even when I was low, a part of me wanted to heal and I kept working towards it, even when I didn't recognize doing that.
Through it all has been progress, not perfection. Including this week.
My blinders are off and thanks to a few months reprieve I have a completely difference reference point of what normal should be. He's been a danger only to himself and I've been able to let go and let be. If he would have been a danger to anyone else, or if I needed help even for myself because of not knowing what to do with him, I knew exactly what I would have done, who to call, how to turn that over to others to deal with. None of it had to be perfect, only that I had to give up any of that being my responsibility. There where times this week where we each had sat down and had to work out who to call and then make multiple calls. One after another. Voice mails, dead ends, etc. And yet we kept calling. It didn't matter who we didn't reach or if some of those couldn't help us. Some did. And some called back. Even hearing from ones who called back and couldn't help was good. We have been connecting with people and seeking help. My husband and I are still on two very different timelines of healing and that's okay.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
What a great, great post! I absolutely understand what you mean about being oddly thankful for the relapse- sometimes we don't ever understand our growth or our strength until it is tested. When RAH relapsed, I was blown away at myself & how calmly I was able to maneuver through everything even though the relapse was so much worse than I could have ever imagined. It was the first time I got to see my recovery in Action in the Right Now & not only therapeutically/reactively.
Keep it up, you are such an inspiration!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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An update. My husband and I have each had a long week and are doing alright. He was planning on a closer AA meeting last Monday and missed it because of equipment breakdowns at work. We had doctors appts in the city yesterday. He went to back to the AA meeting there and said it was a good one. Better than last week. It sounded like he arrived early. He had showered, put on clean clothes and yes, is sober.
I'm keeping to my side of the road. Where I have fallen down is putting myself first. Everything else seems more important -- kids, life, etc. Taking so-so care of myself. This I need to change asap. Thinking about it, journaling may be good for me. Make check marks or notes about praying, being grateful, smiling, finding things to be happy about, if I had (created) any fun that day... and record my sleep patterns. Maybe this could help me be aware how I'm doing instead of slipping back into my bad habits. Or just a guideline written down that I could refer to each day? Concentrating on all the bigger things I feel I need to do is leaving me stressed and exhausted.
Any tips on self care? On making ME a priority? I'm pretty sure this must get easier some day.... One. Day. At. A. Time. Rinse, repeat. Breath.
Goals for the week: I need to pay attention to my signature quote and work on this!
I'm keeping to my side of the road. Where I have fallen down is putting myself first. Everything else seems more important -- kids, life, etc. Taking so-so care of myself. This I need to change asap. Thinking about it, journaling may be good for me. Make check marks or notes about praying, being grateful, smiling, finding things to be happy about, if I had (created) any fun that day... and record my sleep patterns. Maybe this could help me be aware how I'm doing instead of slipping back into my bad habits. Or just a guideline written down that I could refer to each day? Concentrating on all the bigger things I feel I need to do is leaving me stressed and exhausted.
Any tips on self care? On making ME a priority? I'm pretty sure this must get easier some day.... One. Day. At. A. Time. Rinse, repeat. Breath.
Goals for the week: I need to pay attention to my signature quote and work on this!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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I'm glad to hear your husband had a good experience at the AA meeting, hopefully the one that's closer will also be a good fit for him.
You're right, your own signature gives you the best advice. Sometimes we have to go back to the first three steps and live those for a while: I can't, God can, I think I'll let him.
I think you're doing great. It's hard to make yourself a priority in the middle of a tornado, but you seem to know that you need to use those calm days to your advantage. Do you have any creative outlets, or hobbies that you could add to your list?
You're right, your own signature gives you the best advice. Sometimes we have to go back to the first three steps and live those for a while: I can't, God can, I think I'll let him.
I think you're doing great. It's hard to make yourself a priority in the middle of a tornado, but you seem to know that you need to use those calm days to your advantage. Do you have any creative outlets, or hobbies that you could add to your list?
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma 
Do you have any creative outlets, or hobbies that you could add to your list?
A lot of it is physical; when I take better care of myself and diligently avoid all foods I can't have then I can think better. The other day I had a small serving of food at a pot luck that seemed like it'd be okay for me. Soon afterwards my throat and neck swelled up and the brain fog hit. I found myself saying "roommate" instead of "homework" and had a couple other blips like that, then worked hard to think about the words I was saying. I seem okay to people around me, but it's like my brain has lost all it's connections. I'm also physically wiped out this weekend because of that. My whole body is sore and exhausted. I'm drinking lots of water and drank some apple cider vinegar with cayenne pepper yesterday. I hate that, but it helps! I should do that again today.
I'm not always sure when it's food and when it's mental. Maybe finding a counselor would help me sort that out. Alanon meeting tomorrow. Every single thing I'm doing today is hard. My brain won't kick into gear. I had a few french fries yesterday -- I should have avoided them like the plague, but I was tired and still out of it from the day before. I'm breaking that cycle and should be a lot better in another day or two. Just typing this out is hard.
Now on the bright side of things, this was my everyday life for many years. At least I'm aware of it now and finding what helps me with it. I'm seeing now though, that it's not just physical. That having a counselor will probably help a lot.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
keeping......thank you. I was never able to reach your level of seeming recovery in my marriage with XAH. there were lots of violence, abuse issues.
you are inspiring. I can remember observing others that shared your level of recovery, and was so envious that I could not reach there.
you sound absolutely awesome.
you are inspiring. I can remember observing others that shared your level of recovery, and was so envious that I could not reach there.
you sound absolutely awesome.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I absorbed every single word you shared. I posted a few days back about how my XABF called me out on my stuff and how I took his judgement as an opportunity to look at myself. Some here took it as "thats just manipulation on his part, he is just projecting his own inner garbage on you"......Perhaps, I don't care what the reasons may or may not be, Im grateful for the challenge. I may not be where I am at this very moment in my recovery, if it wasn't for that moment, because it was at that moment when I CHOOSE to get out of my own way and take a good hard look in the mirror. Here I am trying to fix everybody around me, when Im the one that needs just as much fixing as my addicted loved ones. He has no clue how he helped me start healing, and for that I thank him!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
I'm keeping to my side of the road. Where I have fallen down is putting myself first. Everything else seems more important -- kids, life, etc. Taking so-so care of myself. This I need to change asap. Thinking about it, journaling may be good for me. Make check marks or notes about praying, being grateful, smiling, finding things to be happy about, if I had (created) any fun that day... and record my sleep patterns. Maybe this could help me be aware how I'm doing instead of slipping back into my bad habits. Or just a guideline written down that I could refer to each day? Concentrating on all the bigger things I feel I need to do is leaving me stressed and exhausted.
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