Relationship
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 12
Relationship
Good Morning to All,
This my first post so please bear with me. I have been in my current relationship for 12 years. She has endured many years of my alcoholic behavior. I have been sober now for 77 days and am working an AA program. I feel a debt of gratitude to her for standing by me during my darkest days. I do however have some concerns about our compatibility going forward. I feel like the past continues to hover over us when we spend time together. How can I move on and clean up my past if I am constantly reminded of them. When do you cut your losses and move on......Regards,Fyreman
This my first post so please bear with me. I have been in my current relationship for 12 years. She has endured many years of my alcoholic behavior. I have been sober now for 77 days and am working an AA program. I feel a debt of gratitude to her for standing by me during my darkest days. I do however have some concerns about our compatibility going forward. I feel like the past continues to hover over us when we spend time together. How can I move on and clean up my past if I am constantly reminded of them. When do you cut your losses and move on......Regards,Fyreman
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Welcome Fyreman! Great job on your 77 sober days.
I'm not sure I'm qualified to offer advice regarding your relationship. I had a very complicated situation when married to an alcoholic long ago (I'm also an alcoholic). I'm still not sure I did the right thing - maybe others will have suggestions. It's good to have you join us.
I'm not sure I'm qualified to offer advice regarding your relationship. I had a very complicated situation when married to an alcoholic long ago (I'm also an alcoholic). I'm still not sure I did the right thing - maybe others will have suggestions. It's good to have you join us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've heard about a lot of feelings and concerns like this from the stories of others in AA.
Seems like this is a very common concern in early sobriety.
The reflections from the experience of the old timers I've heard around the tables indicate focusing on the steps is the best course of action.
While you may have some things to overcome or address in relationship, 77 days into sobriety after a life of alcoholism is probably not the time to be coming to critical conclusions about long term relationships...
Hang in there. These are not easy things to deal with, but I believe if you work your program, your path will open before you.
We do some damage in our alcoholic journeys and in committed relationships we bring wounds we'd prefer to just move on from. We have to remember that the others who were there along with us have their own 'recovery' journey as well....
Seems like this is a very common concern in early sobriety.
The reflections from the experience of the old timers I've heard around the tables indicate focusing on the steps is the best course of action.
While you may have some things to overcome or address in relationship, 77 days into sobriety after a life of alcoholism is probably not the time to be coming to critical conclusions about long term relationships...
Hang in there. These are not easy things to deal with, but I believe if you work your program, your path will open before you.
We do some damage in our alcoholic journeys and in committed relationships we bring wounds we'd prefer to just move on from. We have to remember that the others who were there along with us have their own 'recovery' journey as well....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
I agree that 77 days sober is great, but it's too early to be able to know how you feel about your relationship. I know that I went through a few phases. Early on, I felt so much guilt, which into deep gratitude for my husband. The thing was, it unbalanced the relationship and it didn't feel right. But, as my recovery continued and I became more confident in the person I was, the relationship changed again in a positive way.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi fyreman.
My ex thew me out during my extended relapse, and I was consumed with bad feelings about what I'd done when we were together. I've since made amends and continue to do so in my own way. Though we're not together again, and though we don't speak at all, the pall of the emotional damage I did while we were together has lifted for me. And that's the only part I'm responsible for. Knowing her, she's probably worked hard to get to a better place. But even if she hasn't, there is little more I can do to make that happen.
Unless abuse is part of your relationship, you don't need to make a decision on this right now. Many people learn that significant changes take place during sobriety, and that early on our thoughts and feelings can be very disruptive to any relationship.
If you continue to work on yourself, the shame and guilt of your past will recede, and you'll find yourself in a much different place, hopefully a much better place, as you progress.
If your partner is struggling with your past as a couple, then therapy of some kind or Al-Anon would likely help her to move on with her life and to accept you as the sober person you're becoming.
My ex thew me out during my extended relapse, and I was consumed with bad feelings about what I'd done when we were together. I've since made amends and continue to do so in my own way. Though we're not together again, and though we don't speak at all, the pall of the emotional damage I did while we were together has lifted for me. And that's the only part I'm responsible for. Knowing her, she's probably worked hard to get to a better place. But even if she hasn't, there is little more I can do to make that happen.
Unless abuse is part of your relationship, you don't need to make a decision on this right now. Many people learn that significant changes take place during sobriety, and that early on our thoughts and feelings can be very disruptive to any relationship.
If you continue to work on yourself, the shame and guilt of your past will recede, and you'll find yourself in a much different place, hopefully a much better place, as you progress.
If your partner is struggling with your past as a couple, then therapy of some kind or Al-Anon would likely help her to move on with her life and to accept you as the sober person you're becoming.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 12
Relationship Part II
Thank You All,
Wow you guys rock. From the time it took me to shower I had 5 or 6 responses. I struggle with the balance between the selfish element needed to be successful in my sobriety and having empathy and compassion toward my partner. I seem to experience most of my anxiety and discomfort when I am at her place. It feels like the eggshell principle. The thing that concerns me is that I feel less needy now and although I feel a debt of gratitude to her
I may walk if this dynamic continues......Peace,Fyreman
Wow you guys rock. From the time it took me to shower I had 5 or 6 responses. I struggle with the balance between the selfish element needed to be successful in my sobriety and having empathy and compassion toward my partner. I seem to experience most of my anxiety and discomfort when I am at her place. It feels like the eggshell principle. The thing that concerns me is that I feel less needy now and although I feel a debt of gratitude to her
I may walk if this dynamic continues......Peace,Fyreman
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, fyreman--I'm the wife of an A. He had been a very secretive drinker, and drank for many years before I found out. When I first found out, I was absolutely furious that I'd been lied to for so long, that he had spent our money w/o telling me, that I'd been such a trusting fool. I was SO hurt and angry, and I wanted to divorce him right that minute, if not sooner.
Lucky for both of us, the cooler and wiser heads here and at Alanon advised me to make no major changes for a year or so (unless, of course, I was in physical danger, which was not the case). I was told that since the relationship was nearly 20 years, what was the rush all of a sudden to decide what to do right this minute? At first I thought well, why delay the inevitable? He has lied over and over, he isn't interested in recovery, so why shouldn't I just get this over and done with? As time passed and I spent time on SR and in Alanon, I started to see that there was a fair bit of work I could do on myself before I made any huge decisions about our marriage or anything else big.
It's now a little over a year later. My AH is in recovery, to the best of my knowledge (and I say that b/c obviously he is capable of fooling me). I've learned an incredible amount from SR and Alanon. My attitude and perspective have changed a lot. At this point, we are continuing the marriage. That could change, for any number of reasons. I do struggle w/trust, but I do believe that w/time and continued recovery for both of us, this will be resolved. I do have memories of "how it used to be", but mostly those just make me very grateful for how much better it is now.
Is your partner engaging in her own recovery program? That will likely be very helpful for her in knowing what she wants to do in the days to come. Whether she is aware of it or not, if she spent 12 years w/you during your active addiction, she has been affected by alcoholism and needs help also. Once you both have a year or so of good solid recovery under your belts, you'll be better equipped to make this kind of decision. Until then, no sense in rushing. Take some time and the right action will make itself clear to you.
Wishing both of you strength and clarity.
Lucky for both of us, the cooler and wiser heads here and at Alanon advised me to make no major changes for a year or so (unless, of course, I was in physical danger, which was not the case). I was told that since the relationship was nearly 20 years, what was the rush all of a sudden to decide what to do right this minute? At first I thought well, why delay the inevitable? He has lied over and over, he isn't interested in recovery, so why shouldn't I just get this over and done with? As time passed and I spent time on SR and in Alanon, I started to see that there was a fair bit of work I could do on myself before I made any huge decisions about our marriage or anything else big.
It's now a little over a year later. My AH is in recovery, to the best of my knowledge (and I say that b/c obviously he is capable of fooling me). I've learned an incredible amount from SR and Alanon. My attitude and perspective have changed a lot. At this point, we are continuing the marriage. That could change, for any number of reasons. I do struggle w/trust, but I do believe that w/time and continued recovery for both of us, this will be resolved. I do have memories of "how it used to be", but mostly those just make me very grateful for how much better it is now.
Is your partner engaging in her own recovery program? That will likely be very helpful for her in knowing what she wants to do in the days to come. Whether she is aware of it or not, if she spent 12 years w/you during your active addiction, she has been affected by alcoholism and needs help also. Once you both have a year or so of good solid recovery under your belts, you'll be better equipped to make this kind of decision. Until then, no sense in rushing. Take some time and the right action will make itself clear to you.
Wishing both of you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by fyreman 
Good Morning to All,
This my first post so please bear with me. I have been in my current relationship for 12 years. She has endured many years of my alcoholic behavior. I have been sober now for 77 days and am working an AA program. I feel a debt of gratitude to her for standing by me during my darkest days. I do however have some concerns about our compatibility going forward. I feel like the past continues to hover over us when we spend time together. How can I move on and clean up my past if I am constantly reminded of them. When do you cut your losses and move on......Regards,Fyreman
This my first post so please bear with me. I have been in my current relationship for 12 years. She has endured many years of my alcoholic behavior. I have been sober now for 77 days and am working an AA program. I feel a debt of gratitude to her for standing by me during my darkest days. I do however have some concerns about our compatibility going forward. I feel like the past continues to hover over us when we spend time together. How can I move on and clean up my past if I am constantly reminded of them. When do you cut your losses and move on......Regards,Fyreman
Before counting your losses I might suggest you look at what you stand to lose. I would find a better resource than me, and some have been offered. I'm merely suggesting you look at the other side of the coin.
Relationships are hard to come by things. Be careful you don't cut something loose you don't want to lose.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Fyreman - welcome
I with those who say wait on this. I was a far different person at day 90 than I was at day one...and different again at 6 months.
Find out who sober you is first - then, if you want, you can make those kind of life changing decisions
D
I with those who say wait on this. I was a far different person at day 90 than I was at day one...and different again at 6 months.
Find out who sober you is first - then, if you want, you can make those kind of life changing decisions
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 12
Hi yall,
Thank you all for your insight I do greatly appreciate it. In response to honeypig....no she is not in recovery herself. She was married previously to an alcoholic that ended in divorce. She did attend Al anon but does not now. It doesn't bother me that she drinks a couple glasses of wine every night but smoking 4 to 5 cigarettes a day does.
Thank you all for your insight I do greatly appreciate it. In response to honeypig....no she is not in recovery herself. She was married previously to an alcoholic that ended in divorce. She did attend Al anon but does not now. It doesn't bother me that she drinks a couple glasses of wine every night but smoking 4 to 5 cigarettes a day does.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by fyreman
Hi yall,
Thank you all for your insight I do greatly appreciate it. In response to honeypig....no she is not in recovery herself. She was married previously to an alcoholic that ended in divorce. She did attend Al anon but does not now. It doesn't bother me that she drinks a couple glasses of wine every night but smoking 4 to 5 cigarettes a day does.
Thank you all for your insight I do greatly appreciate it. In response to honeypig....no she is not in recovery herself. She was married previously to an alcoholic that ended in divorce. She did attend Al anon but does not now. It doesn't bother me that she drinks a couple glasses of wine every night but smoking 4 to 5 cigarettes a day does.
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