finally done
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1
finally done
the title is sketchy but I really don't know what to say. I have an adult son who has battled addition since his teens. He is ADD and I suspect bi-polar, and maybe some other stuff thrown in the mix. I'm sure this isn't a unique story, but you will all recognize it in some form I'm sure.
He has been in and out of jail, drinking and drugging, never holding a job, has no place of his own to live, and is so far in debt it will take years to pay off. He has a daughter that he never sees, and never asks about. No prospects, and no ambition, or at least none that I can see.
I have enabled him over the years thinking that I was supporting him only to be cruelly disappointed. My mother told me not to give up on him, but I think at this point, she would say enough is enough, and I have made that decision.
The thing that is worries me is that there is always someone out there that will take him in! He uses them for whatever he can get and moves to the next. Or he pretty much prostitutes himself for what he needs.
I related to the person who posted about mourning for their child who was not dead...you are watching them slowly kill themselves and there is absolutely nothing you can do!
I guess my question is, do the endless stream of people that take them in finally run out? I suspect that until then the addict won't seek help if they have a place to go. I don't know.
I try to not feel like I've failed him in some way, but as a mother, I think we harbor that guilt instinctively. I pray a lot and that helps. I am glad that I joined this site so, if nothing else, I can relate to others in the same situation and get some ideas on how to cope. Thanks!
He has been in and out of jail, drinking and drugging, never holding a job, has no place of his own to live, and is so far in debt it will take years to pay off. He has a daughter that he never sees, and never asks about. No prospects, and no ambition, or at least none that I can see.
I have enabled him over the years thinking that I was supporting him only to be cruelly disappointed. My mother told me not to give up on him, but I think at this point, she would say enough is enough, and I have made that decision.
The thing that is worries me is that there is always someone out there that will take him in! He uses them for whatever he can get and moves to the next. Or he pretty much prostitutes himself for what he needs.
I related to the person who posted about mourning for their child who was not dead...you are watching them slowly kill themselves and there is absolutely nothing you can do!
I guess my question is, do the endless stream of people that take them in finally run out? I suspect that until then the addict won't seek help if they have a place to go. I don't know.
I try to not feel like I've failed him in some way, but as a mother, I think we harbor that guilt instinctively. I pray a lot and that helps. I am glad that I joined this site so, if nothing else, I can relate to others in the same situation and get some ideas on how to cope. Thanks!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi bonterwin, welcome to SR. I'm sorry about your son, it must be very distressing but you do sound like a very capable thoughtful person.
Now you've decided that you'll no longer enable his lifestyle and addiction, you may have to take the additional step of not monitoring who he's staying with or how he's surviving. He will use people, they'll eventually wake up and he'll go on to the next person. Maybe he'll run out of enablers one day and turn up at your doorstep, but you've already made the decision to disengage.
Have you tried Alanon for some additional support?
Now you've decided that you'll no longer enable his lifestyle and addiction, you may have to take the additional step of not monitoring who he's staying with or how he's surviving. He will use people, they'll eventually wake up and he'll go on to the next person. Maybe he'll run out of enablers one day and turn up at your doorstep, but you've already made the decision to disengage.
Have you tried Alanon for some additional support?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
it sounds like our sons demonstrate many similar behaviors. About 18 months ago I forced myself to stop enabling my son. No more soft landings etc. This is his path. He has been through treatment before and I trust he has basic tools should he ever decided to incorporate them back into his life. We can encourage them from a distance, remind them we believe they can find recovery if they truly want it...and remind them they are loved. We can also respect that this is their life..they are ultimately responsible for it. These are not children but grown men who are full of fear. I pray my son finds happiness...and that the right people are placed in his life at the right time. We never know who that angel of mercy may be. Big hug to you today from another mom.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
Hello dear Bonterwin, Oh, the guilt can be overwhelming. You know you tried. You know you helped. You know you loved. I know I did all those things. But he is gone. Not dead, but it feels like it. There comes a point when you need to love yourself as much as you love him. That's what I did. Is it hard? Yes, nearly unbearable. Maybe, just maybe, without your help he will recover. That is really all you want. That is what all moms of alcoholic drug abusers want. I will give him up.....to see recovery. You are not alone in thus struggle. We moms have to support each other. You will be in my prayer tonight.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Bonterwin, my adult son is an addict also and your story could be my own. For too many years I tried everything I could to help, to stop the insanity, and it just never came out well for me or for my son. He has now been missing for more than 10 years. I didn't fail as a mother, he made some bad choices and is living with the consequences.
What helps me get through my days is to say a prayer every morning asking God to take care of my son and then living my day in faith that He will and that He can do for my son what I cannot.
Hugs
What helps me get through my days is to say a prayer every morning asking God to take care of my son and then living my day in faith that He will and that He can do for my son what I cannot.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Bonterwin,
wow, your story sounds like mine, as well. I understand your heartache, and the mind blowing tiredness of worrying about your son. My son is about the same.. yet he has burned all bridges, since he is in his 40's. He drinks, and couch surfs, and all of his friends and siblings are not willing to take him in. Even his father and step mom wont do it again.
He never keeps his word to anyone. Can't yet, I guess.
I am where you are-thinking it is the best thing to throw him into the water, so he can learn to swim.
I have decided to go to Al-anon. I hope you can do that, as it sounds like it will give us strength, and support. I know you need it too
chicory
wow, your story sounds like mine, as well. I understand your heartache, and the mind blowing tiredness of worrying about your son. My son is about the same.. yet he has burned all bridges, since he is in his 40's. He drinks, and couch surfs, and all of his friends and siblings are not willing to take him in. Even his father and step mom wont do it again.
He never keeps his word to anyone. Can't yet, I guess.
I am where you are-thinking it is the best thing to throw him into the water, so he can learn to swim.
I have decided to go to Al-anon. I hope you can do that, as it sounds like it will give us strength, and support. I know you need it too
chicory
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