Butterfly

I came across this site purely by accident but I am so glad I did. I have found other peoples posts so painful but yet comforting as it has helped me realise i am not alone. My husband of 17 years in June left me 3 weeks and 2 days ago he said he wants to do his own thing which really means he wants to drink when he wants without me making him feel guilty. My husband is an alcoholic always has been since before we met but I thought back then that he's young it's not a problem even when he disappeared for days on end due to drink and drugs! Throughout the years he has left me 5 times which in have recently found out was to protect the places he went to drink. The first time was because he became so violent I couldn't have him in the home I was so scared of him. He won me back by saying he had sought help and would not be drinking again!! The second time a family member was grieving and he HAD to stay with her to support her but really he drank every night and when I started to question after several months why he wasn't at home and he needed to be home he left! Again he came back promising me the world and how he would get help with his drinking.

The third time was nearly 2 years ago and about a year before that he began to mix with a bad group of friends and he began to drink very heavily and became aggressive after he had been round them they made me very anxious and despite telling him my fears and confronting him about his behaviour he left cos I was being demanding and he had done nothing wrong. Again he came back but only because I agreed that I wouldn't say a word about his friends. Emotionally I was in a bad place and didn't think I would survive without him. I would have done anything to keep him. He eventually stopped seeing these friends but it was when he wanted to not cos of my anxieties.

The fourth time was approximately 5 weeks ago when he came home after being out all night drinking said I don't love you anymore I'm leaving and away he went and drank all day again. He came back the next day saying how sorry he was how he couldn't believe he almost chose drink over me and how he was determined to get help. 2 weeks later we got an offer on our home and that day he told me over the phone that he was leaving he wanted to do his own thing. That was it the only explanation I got. He walked out and has left me to manage everything. I work full time and by the time I get home sort out dinner, my sons lunch and his revision it's time for bed. The weekends are transporting him everywhere cleaning and laundry. Not that he did much when he was at home but it's that I am left to deal with all the practical issues and pick up the pieces for myself and the kids and he's swanning about doing what he wants!! Thankfully my kids are 16 & 20 so not little but it's so hard for them to understand

Throughout our marriage there have been some very difficult times due to his drinking but also some wonderful times but he never understood why I was anxious about him drinking he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong. He didn't seem to care that given our history with his alcohol use I was anxious and nervous around him when he drank. I never knew if this time there was going to be. Drinking bender where he would continue drinking the next day. He was never able to have a couple of beers and leave it at that he always drank until he passed out. I could always tell when he was wanting a drink he would become snappy and grumpy then he would have a drink and feel guilty the next day.

He always promised me after one of his drinking binges that he would do whatever was necessary to save our marriage he didn't want to keep hurting me he loved me how sorry he was but within 2 weeks he had himself talked round to I can manage my drinking I don't want to stop. Then we would start the cycle all over again

Reading through other posts I have realised I was the rescuer, the provoker and the enabler all at different times. And I think at the minute I am the provoker I don't understand how someone who says they love you never want to be without you and wants to spend their life with you can chose alcohol over his wife and kids.

I am angry at the minute but they are only minutes of anger mostly I feel utterly devastated and betrayed I no longer know what was the truth in my marriage or what was lies. I feel that he has lied to me for years. At times I feel that this has nothing to do with alcohol but it's my fault that I wasn't good enough for him that I couldn't make him happy.

He won't talk to me or give me any explanation except some days it's I want to be on my own to drink other days it's I want to be on my own to do what I want when I want. That's all I get no reason no nothing.

He says that he still loves me that I am the love of his life and hopes that we will be able to work through this but at the minutes he needs to be on his own as he is so confused. He has however bought himself a new place. Never mind the fact that we had scrimped to pay off our debt so we could move house.

Today he told me that it wasn't fair to consider me, the love of his life, as a choice. Then in another text message he said he didn't want the constraints of a marriage! He has said that he doesn't want a divorce so he wants to remain married to me but doesn't want to be responsible to me and wants to do what he wants when he wants. Surely that's not fair?

As he won't speak to me face to face we have been texting and I get so angry at times and I say some horrible things to him then in the next breath I feel guilty for what I said and I apologise. I don't know how to stop texting him wanting answers or telling him he's a lier I hate him for what he's done and I never want to see him again or telling him I want to support him we can work through this and I love him and I will always be here and will wait for him until he's ready to get help. Pathetic I know but I don't know how to stop!!

I don't know how to be without him!! The nights and the weekends are the hardest being alone. My kids are older now 20 &16 so I am mostly on my own and I miss his company and snuggling up with him. I feel so lonely.

This web site has helped me to begin to understand the hold alcohol has on people and it's up to the individual to seek help they won't be forced into it they have to want it themselves and for that I thank everyone who has posted.

Thank you for letting me rant xx

honeypig

Confused, you are so very, very welcome here at SR! I applaud your courage in trying to understand. It's hard--it's a lot to take in. It turns your whole world upside down, and it's painful and frightening.

You've made a great start by reading as much as you can here. It's a big first step when you realize that you're NOT alone and you're NOT crazy or wrong to want more from life than what the A can give you. Have you seen the stickies at the top of the page, too? There's a lot of useful information there.

Have you considered finding some face-to-face support for yourself also? Alanon is a great resource for both information and support; some like Celebrate Recovery instead. Here are links for both: Alanon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and Celebrate Recovery Home

Please, continue to read and post here. The more you learn, the more your path will become clear to you.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

lillamy

Hi and welcome!
I'm so glad you found us -- this is a little oasis of sanity to me in the desert that life touched by addiction can feel like!

As you have already seen, there are a lot of people here who have been through similar situations, who are in similar situations. It is never easy to live with an alcoholic and the mayhem alcoholism creates.

I think for me, doing what you've started doing was the best thing possible: Learn more about alcoholism, what it is, what it does to the alcoholic, and what it does to the people who love and live with the alcoholic.

I agree with you there. He wants you when he wants you, but he doesn't want to have to answer to you for anything. That doesn't sound fair to me either. It sounds more like a teenager than an adult. And it doesn't sound like a mature relationship. I wonder, how do you think he would react if you said the same thing to him? If one day you took off and left him to handle everything?

I had a session with my daughter's counselor today, and she said "you could say that the definition of codependency is not seeing the other person as an adult, but as someone you are more mature than, and someone you need to help." It seems the flip side of that is how he sees you -- not as an equal partner, but as the person who is grownup and responsible, so that he can "do whatever he wants."

SeriousKarma

lillamy's right. The more you read about addiction, the more you'll see a familiar theme. The addict stops maturing. Most people start their addictions as a teenager, that means most addicts have the maturity level of a teenager. Sure enough, that means you're husband's conflict resolution and communication skills may be about as good as any 12th grader roaming the halls of your local high school. There's not much you can do about it, other than to recognize it for what it is.

I found Alanon, and SR a great place to channel my obsessive energy away from my STBXAH and back into myself. I find by doing that I don't miss him, or the things I wished for, so much.

As a side note: My 17 year daughter has also gained a lot of strength from Alanon and, hopefully, tools she can use throughout her life. You may want to consider suggesting it to your children. Good Luck, and ((( hugs ))). I think maybe we're married to the same man!

Butterfly

Thank you. What I struggle with is how can he say he loves me then chooses drink. I don't get it. I still have a long way to go most days I want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed other days I cry all day and sometimes I am so angry I could scream!!!!!!

Thinking

On another thread recently someone talked about trying to 'make sense out of nonsense'. We are all trying to do that. There is no sense. There is just his addiction which controls him until he chooses to fight it.

Hopeworks

An A's words are virtually meaningless... We call it quacking! All of our A's swear that they love us more than life itself...unless it interferes with thier next drink. So block out and ignore empty words... Look at his actions alone to see who he really is.

Usually words of A's are about manipulating us.. Twisting truth... Or even gas lighting to gain control and enable them to do what A's do: drink.