Mags1

Not sure who I am anymore. Inside I'm critical of my husband but realise, he hasn't changed, he has always been the same in all the years we've been married.

When I first stopped drinking I wanted everything right, I had got that crutch thrown in the skip, I wanted everything else sorted. But it isn't. It's just the beginning, in a good way.

I can deal with being sober now, but reading what brain and jus wrote yesterday 'figure out how to deal with life sober' and 'shaping my life around alcohol'.

I lived the latter, thankfully not anymore and now I'm learning, very slowly to deal with life sober. I know that I don't know who I am anymore.

Then I read about Rhonda, rip, who I never had the pleasure of meeting. The strength she had staying sober I know I would not have that strength at this time with any devastating news and realise my problems are but a small pebble to Rhonda's.

If I hadn't been coming to sr I would have been a wreck, I would have left or parted with husband, I may have started drinking, I may have had enough.

Something, help from you guys and some survival instinct inside me, makes me mindful that we get down days, I used to blot them out with booze, then have more down days, vicious circle.

I read on sr 'don't make any life changing decisions at least until you are a year sober'. That is such a valuable lesson for me and though I've a few months before I'm a year sober I realise it makes such sense.

I put booze in my system for a lot of years, getting worse the last two or so years, my body and mind must be all over the place, so I can on, learning, finding myself, mostly good days some great days and an odd down day.

But, never a 'full of regrets', hungover, drunk and disorderly day, thank God xx

That's got be worth it's weight in gold.

mecanix

I think who am i is one of those questions that cam have a simple one word answer such as , mecanix obviously … or it could use up all your vocabulary and still levee you feeling as though you've not described it ..

I change all the time , when i think of the me who was 5 , i was only 4 ft tall and a few stone in weight … now I'm 6ft and 17 st .. so i am the same me but also someone entirely different .. I'm not sure words that are dead and are of fixed ideas can capture the essence of a living thing .

To me it seems the thing to do is to cary on living life gloriously

Take care asking yourself questions that might not have any answers , when the sun is shining and there are people you love in the world

Bestwishes , m

matt4x4

Well, when you start pointing fingers, there are three other fingers pointed back at yourself. Time to look at yourself when you start pointing.

Jeni26

You can be anything you choose to be mags. The world is full of opportunity once we put that bottle down and open our eyes to all the possibilities...x

Admiral

It's easier to find out who you are NOT, than who you are. Identify the labels and beliefs you associate with and realize that they are not who you are.

Mags1

Mecanix, very true I always over analyze x
Matt, I am my biggest critic, so if I blame my husband, in my head, I blame me even more, as it's probably my fault, remembering what a drunk I was.
Thanks Jeni, xx my mum always said exactly that also. Xx

And Admiral. Yes, not thought of that , I will identify who I am not. Good point.

Thanks for your comments guys, I know my underlying problem which has started these thoughts off and I'm going to be stressed out all weekend but I will get there, thanks again x

Dee74

Thank you for sharing that Mags.
I found your post powerful and a real example of recovery in action

I have no doubt that whatever decisions you have to make you'll make them well...and remember you're not alone here

D

MythOfSisyphus

I agree, one of the joys of sobriety is being able to make a choice about who we will be every day. Our personality doesn't come out a bottle anymore.

Mags1

Thanks Dee, yes strange isn't it how we think once we've stopped , that's it, everything is ticketeboo but for me, it's just the start, but so much better doing it sober.

Thanks Myth, I agree, all my ideas were alcohol fired so I made a lot of choices I would not have made sober.

I've learnt an awful lot these last few months.

Thanks again for everyone at sr , being there, posting, I feel honoured to be part of such a great place. Xx

sugarbear1

other than not drinking, what are you doing to support your recovery?

Mags1

Good point sugarbear, I visit SR and learn from here. I haven't joined anything else.