TryingToLearn

If you live with an alcoholic who has an anger problem and rants and raves and rages but has never taken it any further than just ranting and raving at the world in general and sometimes at you do you need to be concerned it will escalate?

Thinking

Sadly yes. Anger is always damaging and usually gets worse unless the angry person takes steps to learn to control it.

TryingToLearn

Thank you Thinking. That's what I thought unfortunately.

ladyscribbler

My experience was that it escalated. Somehow anger is almost as addictive as alcohol and the person keeps having to go further and further in order to satisfy that need for rage. I think there's some kind of "high" that goes with it. At least that seemed to be the case with my ax.
It started with yelling and threats, escalated to violence against inanimate objects- punching walls, throwing furniture, jamming knives into the wooden top of the kitchen table, smashing the cat tower with a baseball bat. Then it progressed to shoving, kicking, pushing, slapping and punching of people and animals. All this took place over the course of about five years, with each incident being slightly worse than the previous one.
Please take care. Keep posting.

LifeRecovery

His anger might not have escalated, but just the fact that you asked the question leads me to believe that you are walking on eggshells that it might.

I had to realize that at some point....the walking on eggshells was a sign of my disatisfaction....and it was enough.

TryingToLearn

Yes, I'm walking on eggshells for sure and I've had enough too but I suppose I was just hoping beyond hope things could change but not if he won't take responsibility for himself. Thank you.

wanttobehealthy

Yes. Yes. Yes.

But I wasn't willing to believe this until I saw it happen and unfortunately so did my kids.

lillamy

Yes. Escalated from anger outbursts at others to anger outbursts at me to violence and death threats. And there was a swift jump from yelling at me to threatening to kill me. I never saw it coming.

TryingToLearn

Lillamy and WanttoBeHealthy, I'm so sorry you experienced violence. I'm worried about that too which is why I asked if anger escalates. I know the only answer is to leave unfortunately. I was hoping someone who yelled just stayed with yelling.

wanttobehealthy

Like Lillamy I didn't see it coming either... It went from silent raging where the tension was so thick you could feel it, to short incredible angry outbursts to small physical acts to larger ones... And he would do what all abusers do-- deny that the physical outburst had been a big deal or that I was mistaken and had "run into him" and by then I was so confused and scared that I didn't know whether he was right and spend quite some time second guessing myself...

TryingToLearn

Wanttobehealthy, that's a terrible place to be. I've given up and I just don't say anything any longer because there is no point I've discovered but sometimes those verbal outbursts are just as scary in a way as physical because they leave me feeling so intimidated from his anger. I'm so sorry for anyone and everyone who has had to go through this.

lillamy

You could start with contacting a local domestic violence center -- they will have a lot of information for you. I found that helpful because like iwanttobehealthy, my thinking was all messed up from living with emotional and verbal abuse for so long.

They can also reassure you that yelling is also abuse and that you don't have to wait for physical violence for it to be real. I know I minimized it and said things to myself like "well, I'm just not used to the way his culture expresses anger"... the fact is, verbal and emotional abuse (which is what yelling is, more often than not) can be just as traumatizing as physical violence. Some would say more damaging.

TryingToLearn

Thank you Lillamy. My friend has been trying to get me to call for some time but I feel like it's betraying him in some way and that's how twisted my thinking has gotten living like this that I feel I need to protect him. Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.

wanttobehealthy

The verbal is absolutely 100% as scary as the physical... The goal is to intimidate and silence you with fear. Just because he hasn't physically hurt you doesn't mean you aren't being abused. You are.

And don't feel you have to leave instantly and that that's the only choice... I know that is a scary thought too.

Do you have a therapist? Can you call the local domestic violence line and talk to someone? Do you have a friend you could talk to or stay with if you need to get away?

lillamy

Let me guess: He had a really bad childhood and you are the only one who really loves him and understands him? He doesn't have anyone else? So you feel guilty betraying him?

I'm just guessing because that's what my ex said, and I believed him because I so wanted to be that important to someone.

You are more important than that. And I think you see that, even though you're afraid what's going to happen.

wanttobehealthy

We seriously have the same ex AH (and the A is for abuser as well as alcoholic).

izzyrose05

Yes, He will hit you one day if you stay. Not a question of IF. Just When!

TryingToLearn

I don't know anything about his childhood. He won't tell me or let me in. I've given up trying to talk to him about anything as there is such a wall. Yes, I thought my love for him would help him but it hasn't and yes, I'm the only one he has as he's estranged from everyone. So I guess you tell yourself stories that it will be okay and it's not so bad because he's just yelling and raging and it's not physical but somewhere in the back of your mind you just know that he's not so far from taking it a step further even though you don't want to really believe that. It's a trap I've gotten myself in and I'm climbing out. I've learned from Al-Anon so much and so much from reading the pinned threads too. Lillamy, yes, I'm afraid of what will happen if I leave. Isn't that goofy? And Wanttobehealthy, I'm so sorry you had an abusive ex.

wanttobehealthy

And regardless as to how bad his childhood was IF he does ever share it, the reality is that that doesn't make him what he is today. HE makes himself what he is.

I had an abusive childhood, but I grew up determined to be the opposite of the abuser my mom was.

I think MANY abusers use the "oh poor me I had it so hard" as an excuse to justify their own perpetration of abuse and its BS.

So if he pulls that card just keep this in mind...

A book that was IMMEASURABLY useful to me that I read was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

I can't sing its praises enough. Maybe look for it-- it's so supportive and eye opening and made my own xAH's angry behavior make much more sense to me and allowed me to realize I wasn't alone in worrying about how he treated me

Alienating is an abusers tactic...

And you tell yourself that bc my guess is he has told you it's nothing and not that bad and minimizes or denies his behavior toward you, right?

It is bad and it is abuse and it is scary and you do not deserve it.

Not at all... It's typical in an abusive relationship to be afraid to stay and afraid to leave and afraid of what's unknown bc my guess is he has been really controlling...

lillamy

Yep. That was my life, too.

I think the biggest hurdles I had to come over was fear (what will he do if I leave? Will he try to kill me? Will he kill himself?) and shame (OMG I have become one of those battered women! People are going to despise me!)

The truth is -- once you know your life is in danger, those things don't really matter. I'm alive. And that is worth more than what people may think. People may think whatever the hell they please. Yes, there are people who get a sense of high-and-mightiness and can't help but get a sneer on their face when I tell them I am a survivor of domestic violence.

But it's important to me to speak up when given the opportunity. Because this happens in all demographics. Women who are well-educated and wealthy are abused as well as uneducated women in trailer parks. The patterns are all the same, the challenges are largely the same -- doesn't matter if you drive a beater or a Rolls.

As for what he will do if you leave? Educate yourself on the possibilities and likelihoods, then focus on protecting YOURSELF.