iamthird

Monday was our daughter's 6th birthday. Separated AH disagreed with where I was taking her for dinner, saying his daughter deserves a real steak (because its her favorite). I said I could not afford the restaurant he was suggesting. I finally said "its a good thing youre not coming with us then". I felt like saying I could afford it if you didnt abandon us 2 years ago because we would be a 2 income household, etc...

Tuesday evening I was sick with flu-like symptoms so Wed morning when he came to pick up our daughter he brought me meds on his own. Surprisingly. That is the kind of thing that would rope me in and make me believe he still cares for me.

Then today he has her and asked me if I could find her nebulizer because shes coughing. He chastised me because I couldnt find her nebulizer on demand because I havent used it in months (she needs periodically when she has a cold to help her breathe). He said "Its not like your house is so big". Yet he misplaces things in his small apartment all the time. But then he proceeds to take her to a pizza party. I told him "she must not be that sick if youre taking her to a pizza party".

At church we are making baskets for the local kids rescue mission and I made each of my kids do one each themselves so they can learn to give, etc. One of my co-workers told me I am really the best mom she has ever known. I cried. I cried because my co-worker said something I had been longing for separated AH to say to me all these years! Can we say "looking for bread in a hardware store"?

Cue the epiphany...I am so used to bull$h$t and being treated horribly. I actually had myself convinced its ok he never got me a card or planned things for holidays, etc.. It is almost laughable I miss this man so much who is overly critical of my every move and can never compliment me. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. Hes emotionally abusive and insulting, even in co-parenting.

I am a good woman. Yes, I am flawed like anyone else. However I am worthy of love and respect and compliments. I know what I am. I have a huge heart and put my kids first...I deserve a partner in life who will value me and I would rather be alone than treated horribly anymore. Blinders are coming off and more is revealing itself...

I am just getting back on my feet financially after returning to work after the cancer bout. But I am taking steps to get the divorce...I am sure he will be shocked when I finally do. When I get weak, I have to remember days like today and how he just treats me so horribly!

FeelingGreat

Hi iamthird, it's been obvious since you've been posting that you're a good mother.

It reminds me that you can be told something over and over again, but the time you take it in to yourself and really believe, is something you have to live for yourself.

LoveMeNow

Great post!!

honeypig

It sure sounds like you're seeing things more clearly these days, iamthird. Everything you say above is so true. So glad you're making progress!

CodeJob

Hugs to you Iam3!

Lovely post. Thank you for sharing this.

Sometimes when I get caught up with work, life, being the A Game Mom, making everything gel on the needed timeline, then get criticism - I just think about the first time I saw my son. His dark eyes were looking at me so calmly. He was otherworldly with an old soul. We knew each other before. That very first look we just connected on some other plane. I try to let all the criticism about being a "good" mom go. He really is not "mine." He is a gift, a partner on this road. I adore him beyond words and he teaches me lessons now. There are larger things in motion and that moment always reminds me of that.

Let the criticism go. You are a very special individual. This is clear as a bell from your posts here.

iamthird

Even though we have to co-parent, I just blocked his texts. I know its not realistic because we have a little one and our works schedules differ, but I just need a little break from the chaos for awhile ...self preservation!