having a breakdown right now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
having a breakdown right now
I need help. I have a history of self injury (cutting) and am trying very hard not to go down that road again. Possible trigger warning.
I just got out if a long abusive relationship with my AXB and am now living with two strangers who seem nice and all but they have no idea what I went through and it's so surreal to be out of that situation.
My bedroom is very peaceful and I want to keep it that way. Last night I cried because I was happy to be ALIVE and now I'm crying because I'm terrified of those memories. Of him beating me, cleaning up vomit, begging him to stop, constant stress. I am trying to be positive about my freedom, a fresh start. But I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I am not seeing my therapist for another week and a half. I don't really have any friends in general, and tried Alanon once but it made me uncomfortable because I have social anxiety.
I'm really trying not to think about cutting. I haven't done it in about a year, and I know I need to treat my body with respect especially because he didn't. But all I can think about is grabbing a razor and bleeding. Ahhh.
I just got out if a long abusive relationship with my AXB and am now living with two strangers who seem nice and all but they have no idea what I went through and it's so surreal to be out of that situation.
My bedroom is very peaceful and I want to keep it that way. Last night I cried because I was happy to be ALIVE and now I'm crying because I'm terrified of those memories. Of him beating me, cleaning up vomit, begging him to stop, constant stress. I am trying to be positive about my freedom, a fresh start. But I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I am not seeing my therapist for another week and a half. I don't really have any friends in general, and tried Alanon once but it made me uncomfortable because I have social anxiety.
I'm really trying not to think about cutting. I haven't done it in about a year, and I know I need to treat my body with respect especially because he didn't. But all I can think about is grabbing a razor and bleeding. Ahhh.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Can you do something else physical, like go for a run?
Part of changing our patterns involves recognizing triggers, which you are doing beautifully, and then redirecting them into more positive outlets. This is the action.
You are right. You are a good person who doesn't deserve pain. It sounds like you've been through hell, so give your body a rest?
Maybe even just doing push-ups until your arms are jelly would give you the same release.
Part of changing our patterns involves recognizing triggers, which you are doing beautifully, and then redirecting them into more positive outlets. This is the action.
You are right. You are a good person who doesn't deserve pain. It sounds like you've been through hell, so give your body a rest?
Maybe even just doing push-ups until your arms are jelly would give you the same release.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Self Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Instead of Cutting...
Can you go somewhere to call the hotlines and talk to someone? Take care of you. (((hugs)))
Self Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Instead of Cutting...
Method 1 of 3: Overcoming an Urge
1. Go somewhere you cannot cut yourself. If you're at home, go lie on your bed. Bring your phone and a pen and paper with you but nothing else. Sort of like giving yourself a grown-up time out. If you're not at home, find a seat out in the open. A park bench, a lobby chair, and plant yourself there. Remember: "This too shall pass."
Right now is all about distractions. If you can make a phone call, do so. You don't have to tell the other person on the line the issue right now, but talk to them about something. Anything. They'll take you away from this moment.
If you can't make a phone call, find something to concentrate on (that's what the pen and paper are for -- we'll get to those in a bit). Make yourself physically uncomfortable. Is the sun painfully bright? Great, stay right there. Is your butt falling asleep? Fantastic.
2. Speak out loud about what is causing you so much pain. Talk about it - even to yourself in the privacy of your bedroom. It will release tension, relaxing you and allowing time for the urge to pass. Talking out loud in clear, understandable words will make your situation clearer and easier to resolve. It should relax you and let you breathe a little easier.
If writing it down seems safer and more helpful, do so. Grab the nearest pen, crayon, tube of lipstick, whatever, and get it out. Bottling it up makes everything (everything) worse.
3. Try the butterfly method. When you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly where you want to harm yourself and name it after a loved one, or someone that wants you to get better. If you cut, the butterfly dies. You have to wash it off. If it wears off (and you didn't cut), it is released into the wild to be free. Congratulations -- you made it.
Another idea is the pen method. Grab a red pen and draw lines (or squiggles or peace signs or whatever floats your boat) all over where you would've cut. When you're done, count the lines. That's how many scars you won't have. Awesome.
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself
1. Go somewhere you cannot cut yourself. If you're at home, go lie on your bed. Bring your phone and a pen and paper with you but nothing else. Sort of like giving yourself a grown-up time out. If you're not at home, find a seat out in the open. A park bench, a lobby chair, and plant yourself there. Remember: "This too shall pass."
Right now is all about distractions. If you can make a phone call, do so. You don't have to tell the other person on the line the issue right now, but talk to them about something. Anything. They'll take you away from this moment.
If you can't make a phone call, find something to concentrate on (that's what the pen and paper are for -- we'll get to those in a bit). Make yourself physically uncomfortable. Is the sun painfully bright? Great, stay right there. Is your butt falling asleep? Fantastic.
2. Speak out loud about what is causing you so much pain. Talk about it - even to yourself in the privacy of your bedroom. It will release tension, relaxing you and allowing time for the urge to pass. Talking out loud in clear, understandable words will make your situation clearer and easier to resolve. It should relax you and let you breathe a little easier.
If writing it down seems safer and more helpful, do so. Grab the nearest pen, crayon, tube of lipstick, whatever, and get it out. Bottling it up makes everything (everything) worse.
3. Try the butterfly method. When you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly where you want to harm yourself and name it after a loved one, or someone that wants you to get better. If you cut, the butterfly dies. You have to wash it off. If it wears off (and you didn't cut), it is released into the wild to be free. Congratulations -- you made it.
Another idea is the pen method. Grab a red pen and draw lines (or squiggles or peace signs or whatever floats your boat) all over where you would've cut. When you're done, count the lines. That's how many scars you won't have. Awesome.
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, Meggy. Thank you for coming here and posting when you need help. We are here to listen. Can you focus your attention on the peacefulness in your bedroom right now? Right now, you are safe. I understand the surreal feeling, but try to connect that it is reality. You are SAFE and you are in a PEACEFUL place. Can you make those feelings stronger by playing some soft soothing music, or do you have any soothing scents? Can you try some slow deep breathing? Focusing on the right now has helped me to reduce my stress and anxiety about my past traumatic events. I found that, though I want to work through that trauma eventually, it wasn't necessary or even helpful for me to try to do it while I was in near breakdown / panic mode.
Keep posting!
Fathom
Keep posting!
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, Meggy. I just read through your past posts for the first time, and I just want to give you loads of hugs. You must have moved very recently, and I honestly don't know how you dealt with staying in your old apartment with your ridiculously inconsiderate obviously-not-that-serious-about-recovery abusive XABF who rapidly found a new enabler and somehow made it all about how you are so unforgiving. I want to call some major BS on ALL of that. No wonder you are so freaked out, confused, and in a daze! I remember that feeling. The "this is not my life" feeling. You need people around you right now - people who understand what you are talking about.
Please, keep posting on here, go to a meeting, update your journal, and can you find a counselor who can see you at least once a week instead of once a month?! Meggy, you have been so patient and so brave with this process so far. Trust that it will get better with time, even though the feelings suck to feel right now. Again, try to focus on yourself and your current reality, which is thankfully safe and on the mend.
Wishing you peace tonight,
Fathom
Please, keep posting on here, go to a meeting, update your journal, and can you find a counselor who can see you at least once a week instead of once a month?! Meggy, you have been so patient and so brave with this process so far. Trust that it will get better with time, even though the feelings suck to feel right now. Again, try to focus on yourself and your current reality, which is thankfully safe and on the mend.
Wishing you peace tonight,
Fathom
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Meggy, I hope you can get some rest. It sounds like you may have PTSD perhaps? Do you have a counselor? Meditation and breathing exercises might help calm your mind a bit. I think our mind takes awhile to accept the safety when you change your environment suddenly. Post here as we are so lucky to have international time zone participation. It reassures me for sure to log on here when I can't sleep or get up much too early that I can read and think and vent here and lo and behold people from the UK and Australia have been keeping things moving along here!
Peace and hugs!
Peace and hugs!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi meggy, now that you're somewhere safe and the adrenaline is subsiding, all the thoughts you suppressed are popping up. I hope you can stop from harming yourself while you process them with the help of your therapist.
You've done so well removing yourself from an abusive situation and I'm sure life will get better from now on even of you do have to work on leaving the old thoughts behind.
You've done so well removing yourself from an abusive situation and I'm sure life will get better from now on even of you do have to work on leaving the old thoughts behind.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah, the "Geographic Cure" stuff does not really seem to be that much of a cure as much as a(nother) response to Cut and Run sort of thinking driven by the Hyper-Emotional state.
Have you looked at getting Professional Help?
Have you looked at getting Professional Help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Thank you all so much! I have a therapist but only ser her once a month which isn't enough. I am definitely going to look into some support groups in my area. I also find being around people is helpful so I've been spending time at a bookstore browsing the women's studies section and feeling empowered. I'm so thankful I got out of the bad situation I was in. I think finding a support group and being around people will help a lot.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
When Mrs. Hammer went through Cutting, she wound up working with a professional T to deal with it (actually my T from prior PTSD type stuff), and doing part of her own Graduate Study work on SI, as well.
Try to keep your stress sources down, eat decent, sleep normal -- all that healthy stuff. Be careful on your groups you choose. Some are not moderated and sort of turn into trade "Tips and Techniques" sites.
Try to keep your stress sources down, eat decent, sleep normal -- all that healthy stuff. Be careful on your groups you choose. Some are not moderated and sort of turn into trade "Tips and Techniques" sites.
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