ChristineF

Hello.

I've been in AA for the past year. I understand I am alcoholic. I understand I would be happier sober. I can't tell if I drink because I'm depressed or I'm depressed because I drink, but I feel like I don't care if I feel better. I know my involvement in AA suggests I care about myself and others, but this self-knowledge isn't keeping me sober. I know esteemable acts create self-esteem, but how do I string together a week when I can't stand myself?

ScottFromWI

Have you considered medical detox/rehab?

teetotalitarian

Hi Christine. I wish I could answer your questions, but I can't because I'm new to recovery myself. I know, for me, drinking does contribute very much to my depression. I'm depressed when I'm not drinking as well, but it's heavily amplified with intermittent alcohol use. There are plenty of peer reviewed studies and blahblah to corroborate the physiological/psychological tolls of it, but the solution to poor self-esteem, which seems like what is bothering you here, is a more philosophical aspect of alcoholism.

Everyone says sobriety is multifactorial and just "not drinking" doesn't really make you sober, which makes sense to me these days. Self-loathing is part of not being sober. The disconnect between outward actions and your awareness of how they look to others ("esteemable acts"/going to meetings) and what's really real on the inside that only you know for sure, and reconciling the two, is the real meat of sobriety.

Personally, what tends to trigger negative feelings about myself is when what I'm saying/doing isn't how I feel on the inside or what I want to be saying/doing. I don't really know how to keep those in harmony on a real-time basis in a world that seems to require habitual dishonesty and facade. (<-And maybe I only feel that way because I'm not completely sober yet, I don't know?) But I'm working on it. It sounds like you're working on it too and asking the right questions, I would imagine, can only lead to good places.

Dee74

Have you seen anyone about your depression Christine?

D

yeahgr8

Referring to just the AA part of your post, when I got to AA I couldn't look people in the eye nor myself in the mirror. I hated myself so much and wished I would just die. I couldn't stop drinking for more that a few days at a time so I had to get on quickly with the solution in the rooms of AA which us working the 12 steps to recover from alcoholism the Big Book way under the guidance of a sponsor who has done the same. I had to do it because I felt I had only one other choice and that was to end my life.

I would recommend you doing the same, it worked and continues to do so almost 5 years later and I have not felt as I did when I came into AA again! I have had noughts of depression in sobriety but nothing compared to what it was like before!

Maybe a trip to the docs as suggested might be on order too, and be completely honest with them?

Nonsensical

1. The title of your post is factually incorrect. You CAN stop drinking, you just haven't YET.

2. I went to my first AA meeting in 1990. I quit drinking in 2013. Different strokes for different folks.

3. There's one way to tell for sure if it's drinking that is making you depressed.

4. If your current involvement in AA isn't keeping you sober, time to try something else. Either change your involvement level or find another program. AA works for a lot of people, but it isn't the only program out there.

5. People who can't stand themselves don't come here looking for answers.

I used to think that I was self-destructive. I knew my drinking was slowly wrecking my life, but I kept doing it. Self-destructive was the only logic that fit my worldview. Turns out my world view was wrong. I was addicted, and that isn't the same as self-destructive. Your stated ambivalence about getting better makes me think we have something in common.

Best of Luck on your Journey.

Taking5

If you are in AA, a few questions:
* do you have a sponsor?
* do you read the BB and other literature daily?
* what step are you on?

Notmyrealname

You string together a day -- a week is a long time. A day, on the other hand, that's an obstacle that's manageable.

And maybe that day is one day of a week and maybe it's not, but I don't know of any seven day period that doesn't start with one day, so I try to knock that out first-thing.

KateL

Alcohol does makes depression worse - well it did for me anyway. I would see your doctor. I get the self esteem bit. My recovery was based on that. Not ego, as they say in AA but self worth. It is very different. I wish you the best xxxx

HeadLump

Oh, Christine. I do so hear you when you talk about self-hatred I was there for years and years and didn't feel I was worthy of happiness or sobriety. I have had an eating disorder for many, many years too, and that, for me, is also steeped in self-hatred

But I have now been sober for over 14 months and my self-hatred has almost gone. There are still difficult times but they are nothing compared to what they used to be. I now accept my happiness with dignity and am extremely grateful for it. My whole outlook on life and nature and other people has been transformed. I do so wish you could have just a tiny glimpse of the view from here - if you could you'd book your journey straight away!

Getting the motivation is hard, but once you do, you'll be amazed at how different you feel about you. And now you've joined SR, you have all of us walking beside you, cheering you on

FreeOwl

a lot have already hit on it but; what do you mean by being "In AA"?

I went to AA in 2004 - as court-ordered. Funny enough it didn't do me any good.

Then I went again in 2011 - and it worked. Just 'going' to AA. For a while.

Now I'm "In AA" again and it's helping again. I'm working on the program actively - if slowly (still slogging away on step one's workbook here at 97 days sober). I have a temporary sponsor and I'm coming to SR every day and getting to meetings (though it's been too long and I can feel the need to get to one SOON).

Bottom line is that AA "works" if you do.... it's not a passive thing. Sobriety doesn't happen to you. You work at it and you create it.



YOU CAN DO IT.

IreLander

This is essential. For me anyway.

It also helps to call people in the program, get phone numbers and pick up that 1000 pound telephone. AA is a fellowship. There are lots of people at these meetings that know exactly what you are going through and can help guide you.

doggonecarl

You're right. Knowledge won't get you sober. Cause it's not a verb. Only action will get you sober. Working on your program of recovery, living the sober life, getting out of your head and giving of your time.

FreddyFatal99

I could have wrote this word for word, aside from the AA part. Sounds like me.

stayonthepath

That's very true - the longer you think about it, the more chance there is that the reasons why you think you can't do it will surround you. Doing it gives you the satisfaction of flipping them the bird (is that how Americans say it?)

tomsteve

do you know what it means to be an alcoholic?
maybe you drink because you are an alcoholic who also suffers from depression?


"but how do I string together a week when I can't stand myself?"
what worked for me was goin to meetings, reading the big book, following the suggestions in there(working the steps) and from others in recovery, and not pickin up that 1st drink.
it took T.I.M.E. but eventually the crazing,compulsion, and obsession went away. that is one of the promises of the 10th step:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alchol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If temted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the MIRACLE of it. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.