Angel1234

I’m three months out as far as no contact with a 3 ½ year relationship with an addict. I remember years ago a good friend of mine who is a physician I worked with tell me in my 20s when I struggled through what I would now call a “cute” relationship break up tell me she felt it takes a month for every year you are with someone to feel “ok” again. I call it “cute” not because it wasn’t difficult or not in my adult years, but because I didn’t realize how “not cute” a break up would be with an addict.

I’ve recently over the past few weeks have started to feel better when I didn’t even realize it meant better. For some reason I was driving home the other day and I was counting the days, weeks, months I hadn’t spoken to my ex. I was getting really irritated at myself at one point because I still thought about “HIM!” I’ve started to turn it around into the realization that I’m thinking about myself and caring for myself. It’s ok to still think about him. I’m proud of myself that when I do, I can not reach out to him. I’m proud that when I do, I’m no longer beating myself up or hating myself or hating him. 3 months ago I could have never comprehended how much “better” I would feel.

I put quotes around” better” because “better” was not what I imagined feeling before addiction came into my life. It has been very difficult for me to actually express all of this until now. I read so many of your posts. I feel what the spouses/SOs feel and any time I read anything about an addict child, I freeze because I have a little girl. I can’t imagine.

Here is what I still struggle with……

I get that I was co-dependent to a point. I get I may be going through the same withdrawls. I get looking at myself. I get owning my portion. I get growing up in general about this topic. What I don’t get is what the addict brain thinks in certain situations. What I don’t get is having to read and feel guilt about leaving and my reactions (like what part of it was just/deserved and what wasn’t.) What I don’t get is having to be in this place where I’m reading these boards sometimes when I’m questioning myself. What I don’t get is why I’m filtering through someone “else’s” garbage. . . until I realize it is not someone “else’s” garbage. It is mine.

I read here a lot but I do not post a lot because I am still processing. I was saddened to hear EnglishGarden and Zoso are somewhat gone because they are the posters that got me through. I sometimes feel selfish for taking from here (reading) and not giving back (posting). Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t post because I’m not as eloquent as they are because my thoughts are racing. In any case, this has been my sounding board. I'm getting there.

Thank you S.R. for getting me through. I am in such a better place since I “met” you.

AnvilheadII

that was pretty eloquent, to me!

you're only three months out....time takes time. you are not going to GET it all at once....it's like a treasure hunt for puzzle pieces. one day out of the blue you find the corner piece. ad unless you ARE an addict, you really can't ever KNOW what it's like in the addict brain. hell, addicts don't even get it.

keep moving forward. one day, one moment, one step at a time. and keep posting!!!

Angel1234

Thanks Anvil - you were one I always appreciated for understanding both sides of the coin.