I live with my alcoholic 34 yr old daughter :(

Old 04-03-2014, 07:35 AM
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I live with my alcoholic 34 yr old daughter :(

About a year ago, I moved out of my cute hi-rise apt to renting a huge house so her 6 yr old daughter & her could have a place to live. Big mistake! She drinks wine with vodka. She holds down a good job, but with attendance problems due to calling in sick from drinking. She drinks in the evening while taking care of my GD(she is a doll). On weekends, it is awful! It is basically a 5 hr process......start drinking in morning, nap(passout), wake up & then start all over again, then drag herself into work on Monday. I have seen things I do not want to see. Last Sunday, I heard my GD crying because Mom was trying to get her to lay down with her(nap) at 11:30 in the morning! So, I took my GD for a day of shopping & dinner & fun. Later that evening, I get accosted by my drunk daughter & up in my face telling me what a lousy grandmother I am & on & on! WTF!! I left the house, called my GD's father to come get his child & so on & so on. I get a major apology in the morning & was told drinking will stop immediately. Well, guess what............she is still drinking! I am so sick of this, advice & thanks.
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Old 04-03-2014, 07:48 AM
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Hi Grammy52, welcome to SR
Sounds as if you have made a good start.
More knowledgeable folk will be along soon.
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Old 04-03-2014, 08:55 AM
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I feel awful for your GD and for you... It sounds like an unbearable living situation for you and she both.

You gave up your lease on your apt I assume so moving back there isn't an option right?

Do you think your GD is safe?
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Old 04-03-2014, 08:58 AM
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That child is so lucky to have you grammy. I hate to say it, but you will be raising her, sooner or later. Your daughter's addiction will only destroy her life more and more as time goes on. As you read more here, and possibly even attend some Al-Anon meetings, you'll learn that there is almost literally nothing you can do to stop your daughter's alcohol abuse...so please do your best to help shield and protect your GD from her mother's activities. Keep an eye out for your daughter trying to drive impaired with your GD, if you're able.

Again, your GD is SO lucky to have you in her life and in the situation. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but you've got many tough times ahead of you.
Feel free to stop in here anytime though! You'll find a sympathetic ear, validation, and understanding in nearly every member on this forum.
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Old 04-03-2014, 12:50 PM
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Are you in AlAnon? Find a group near you, it's an awesome safe place to get experience strength and hope from others dealing with A family members.

Nothing changes if Nothing changes. As long as your daughter is provided with a safe place to carry on her addiction, there will be no motivation to change. You mention your GD's Dad...is he aware of the situation? He may need to step in, if he's dependable, on behalf of his child.

You didn't Cause the disease of alcoholism, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You have no power over your daughter's choices. But you do have control over what is acceptable in your life. You can set boundaries.

Keep posting, there is a lot of wisdom on this site.
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:11 PM
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I just sent an email to my daughter of the rules & consequences if necessary. I am refusing to live like this. I believe on some level my GD is safe, but then again when I left the other night I called her Dad & asked him to come over & get her. He came over but by then GD was asleep & he did nothing. I have tried to involve him but he has no backbone. He has 2 other kids as well from his exwife, my daughter & him share custody so sometimes the drinking happens when my GD isn't here. It's just all so sad & stressful.
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Old 04-03-2014, 08:21 PM
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Make sure you stick by those rules and consequences you sent her! It's SO easy to let your boundaries slip and not follow through with the hard part of enforcing those boundaries that you set for your life.
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:49 PM
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I received a not so nice reply from her to my email I sent her. And again, nothing feels like things get resolved. And again, everything is my fault. I was sooooo mad, I left my house & drove over my old apartment building to see if they have anything available. I was so happy there & was around people my own age. They do have an apt coming up in July! AD just spent 3 days non-stop drinking, her daughter is with her Dad this weekend. She got served today for some medical bill she has & gave me the a dirty look because I answered the door. Now, she will probably get her wages garnished & I will not get my little $350 every two weeks to help run this house. She already owes me $810, kiss that goodbye. I live off of my pension. I just don't know what to do, I love her, I hate seeing her like this, but I am miserable, can somebody just help. Where will she go if I move out?
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Old 04-07-2014, 03:50 AM
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You have done your level best. If she doesn't change you will have to get tough and think of taking care of yourself. Good luck xxxxx
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:32 AM
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What will happen to your GD if you leave and go to your old place? Will her father be able to be more active in her life, to protect her from your AD?
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Old 04-07-2014, 10:25 AM
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I have a 50yo brother who is an A. My parents have stepped in to help him out his entire adult life. They set a boundary, he crosses it, they back down. They let fear rule them with all the "what ifs". They always think they're helping him, every time they throw a net under him to keep him safe. So.....he is now 50 and still lives in their house. They are in their early 80's, and have never had the peace they deserve. I tried for years to step in and "help" them detach, it only led to more discord. I had to accept that it's their choices and step completely out.

Don't let this be you....please. You are not helping your daughter by enabling her addiction. Get that apartment. You are giving her 3 months notice, that's plenty of time for her to make arrangements! If you set boundaries...be prepared to hold them. That means when she crosses them, she deals with the consequences. Of COURSE she is going to get angry, and blame you. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally. That's just what alcoholics do. They have to blame and deflect. It's okay to let her have her reaction, doesn't mean you have to engage in the behavior.

Let your GD's father know you're moving. He may not have a backbone, but sounds like he responds when you ask him to. He will need to step up to the plate.

Find an AlAnon group near you. There are plenty of parents of A's in my group, and they support each other. Those rooms are very safe places to vent and heal.

I wish you all the best. (((hugs)))
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:00 PM
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Well, nothing has changed. My email met nothing to her. She has been drinking "functionally" every night since. GD has been with her Dad this week. My GD comes home tonight. I suspect & fear, it will be another drunk fest weekend. I will try & bring my GD to my grandsons baseball game tomorrow & Sunday will be a day of snow, so hopefully a day of cooking & movies. I am very very tired of this, especially when my words mean nothing. I am supposed to go on Monday & put down my deposit on the apartment, I am waffling. I even sent another email yesterday to my daughter asking her where we stand? Is this what you want? Can we work out the problems? I got nothing in return, just nothing.
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Old 04-11-2014, 05:07 PM
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Thank you for updating Grammy.

I am so sad you're having to deal with this right now. No mother should ever have to worry about her adult daughter's behavior like you are having to deal with.

Positive thoughts are sent your way!
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Old 04-11-2014, 06:07 PM
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Hi Grammy,

I can tell you've got good instincts. I've known a lot of people that have gotten messed up pretty deeply into their children's addictions before seeking help. I'm impressed that you've been able to see things so clearly in a relatively short time. But that doesn't make it any easier, does it?

I know a lot of people have mentioned that you may want to attend an Alanon meeting, and I would like to second that. Mainly because I meet a lot ( a LOT!) of people that are there because of their adult children. I'm not sure if this is common to most Alanon groups, or just mine (mine meets in the middle of the afternoon), but it's at least 60% men and women who are dealing with exactly what you're dealing with. Of course, we all gain support from each other, but the unique understanding these parents all have can't be overstated.

My heart goes out to you. You, you're GD, and you're daughter as well will be in my thoughts and prayers. Believe it or not, the best thing you can do for your daughter is exactly what you're doing right now, seeking help for yourself.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:29 PM
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My situation is so close to what you are living through. I thought I was the only one in this kind of a mess. My AD had been sober for 60 days. Then I could tell she was drinking some every day. Now she has been passed out for over 24 hours. I don't know if she will even be fit to go to work tomorrow. My 18 year old GS lives with us. My 7 year old GS and 6 year old GD are living with their father. They want to live with their mom, but I do not know if that can ever happen.

You are an inspiration to me. If my daughter loses her job due to her drinking, I told myself I would ask her to leave. I hope I will be strong enough to follow through if it comes down to that.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by grammy52 View Post
I am supposed to go on Monday & put down my deposit on the apartment, I am waffling. I even sent another email yesterday to my daughter asking her where we stand? Is this what you want? Can we work out the problems? I got nothing in return, just nothing.
Being an alcoholic nothing made me become sober until I wanted to be sober. That really was the bottom line for me anyways.

When I was drinking, all I wanted was my booze. Nothing else really mattered. Because I knew that someone would clean up for me. Until the day came where that stopped. And finally the day came where I wanted sobriety more than the booze.

It sounds to me that she is not ready yet to give it up. And for most of us, you can't really "make" us give it up.

I personally think you should put down your deposit. I am so sorry you are in this situation. We are not an easy bunch to tolerate that is for sure!
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Old 04-24-2014, 09:44 AM
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Please go and put down the deposit. Please.
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Old 05-09-2014, 02:01 PM
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I am sooooo sorry I didn't keep up with this post & I just read your post jkday! It feels comforting in a way, that I am not the only one out there going thru this. I want to thank everyone for your kind posts & ladyinBC also. I did not go & put a deposit down, but I do have a deposit in now due to the latest events. My daughter came home on a Friday night after taking my GD to a movie. She goes to a movie tavern in town because I am sure she has drinks there & her daughter can eat. I think she basically passed out that night. Saturday morning she was passed out by 11am, so I took her daughter with me. In the process I had to move her car due to getting my car out of the garage. In her car there were empty vodka shooters all over, so I knew she was drinking & driving with my GD. I was sooooo upset, that I kept my GD & spent the night with my other daughter. To make a long story short She got my GD's father to call the cops on me the next day trying to get kidnapping charges on us. She, my GD are staying with the father. I have not seen my GD in two weeks. I did secure an apartment & gave this landlord a two month notice. I am sick about it, it just didn't have to happen this way.
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:42 PM
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grammy52 so sorry about your circumstances...

I am glad to hear that you put your deposit down. There you will have some peace and safety.

There is nothing you can do until she is ready and willing to do it herself. That the hardest part of loving an addict. They have to do all of the work and we have to watch their suffering and as we suffer as well.

She has to find HER bottom....that can be tomorrow or never.
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Old 05-10-2014, 04:13 AM
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grammy.. just wanted to say bless you for being such a wonderful grandmother and doing your best to safeguard your granddaughter. I think there comes a time (well for me anyway) where I realized I could not take care of the people I loved if I didn't take care of myself.

I do think that these things have a way of coming around, because your daughter has a disease, a progressive one, that will only get worse with time if she does not stop drinking. There will be a point in time when she cannot care for herself, let alone her daughter. Time is all that is needed to make all of this come to light.

So when it comes to the court, police whatever.. you've done nothing wrong. Speak your truth to those who ask you why you did what you did. That's all you can do.

god bless, and I hope you get some peace this weekend.

L
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