BrendonM

I don't even feel bad - I will soon. But for the time being I am just an alcohol consumption machine. How am I going to succeed when the best parts of me seem to vacate my body at random?

At this time I feel no regrets, when my decency returns I will feel terrible, but how can I turn my recovery into a long term process when I randomly lose any sense of decency and self-preservation?

Logically, i feel awful, but the emotional side of me feels nothing but satisfaction. In several hours I will wake up feeling crappy, I will make promises that this will never happen again (haven't we all told ourselves that?).

Where do you all get your strength? I seem to become insatiably self-destructive at the push of a button, how can a masochist like me ever recover?

Nonsensical

I had several episodes last year where I just suddenly seemed to forget I was an alcoholic who had quit drinking. I didn't understand my impulsivity. I still don't fully understand it, but I was diagnosed ealier this year with ADHD, so at least I know I'm not imagining it. Impulsivity is a characteristic of the condition. Knowledge of that is helpful to me. I catch myself walking down the beer aisle at the grocery, and then I realize - whoa! throttle back ADHD-boy. You don't belong here.

I read here frequently that relapses start days or weeks before the drinking does. That has happened to me as well, but several times last year it was just sort of like *poof* and I was drinking. I have no idea why you chose to drink, but I can relate on a certain level to just suddenly chucking sobriety aside.

I hope you feel better soon.

doggonecarl

Wanting to drink more than you want to be sober doesn't make you a masochist...it makes you an alcoholic.

Maybe blaming it on the flight of your rational thought leaves no room for accountablilty, and therefore, plenty of room for failure.

malcolmsloan

For me, I felt like I had lost all control, like I hit the "fu@& it"button so fast, every day, after the declarations of the morning (I quit every morning for 7 years-every morning), it would almost feel out-of-body as I walked into the liquor store, again. So I get it, I really do. How did I get control of the f-it button? The biggest shift that took place was that I realized that, first, this can be done, and,second, I have to stop waiting for it to happen. If work at it, like a project, it will happen, if I treat sobriety like something that I want to learn, and I might not be too good at it at first, but if I ask others for help obtaining and learning this new skill, it can be done. It all started with day one.
You can do this if it is something that you really want and are prepared to do whatever it takes to get it.
Onward!

Dee74

I don't think your conscience has left you Brendon or you wouldn't be posting here

I don't think you're a masochist either. You weren't punishing yourself when you wrote that post.

I think you're just deep in that 'who gives a crap', passive, leaf being flushed down the gutter mindset that a bout, or a few bouts, of heavy drinking will give you.

You can stop this, anytime you like.
All you need to do is get some help to put the bottle down.

D

Thepatman

For me was when my doctor told me that if keep going this way I will not live very long, my blood pressure sky high, he said you will most likely have a massive heart attack within a few years or a stroke.

Kind of caught my attention. Did I stop right away? Nope. I had to seek support and help, mostly here. At some point I remember thinking, the hell with it at least if I die the struggle will be over. That thought was not from me, it was my addiction.

That exact mental phrase is what got me going. What logic is there of dying from the bottle when life has so much to offer?

Dunno if this helps, you can do this, kick this hypocrite addiction to the curb!

LadyBlue0527

Can't say I haven't been where you are. The strength comes from making the unconditional choice to not drink. There no excuse I could make on this earth that is acceptable. Point blank.

Dee hit it on the head too. You aren't absent of conscience or you wouldn't be here.

The good feeling you have? It's a lie. You're the only one who can realize that though.

I loved drinking as much as anyone here and I'm glad that I don't do it anymore.

You know where we'll all be when your head is pounding and you feel like a general mess of crap. We will also be understanding.

What are you going to do different thus time?

powderline

I have never posted before, but I have been watching for quite a while. I have my own struggles that I will post about eventually, but all of you give some excellent advice and insight.

FeelingGreat

Brendon, when you sober up, go through your day carefully and try and work out what sent your sober self packing. Write it down if you need to.

Sober Bendon hasn't gone anywhere; at some point you decided to ignore him. Try and work out why.

Dee74

Welcome Powderline

D

powderline

Thanks! Glad to "officially" be here!

BrendonM

Hi everyone, sorry for late response but I have been tied up with my PhD transfer.

I guess I am using the conscious vacancy as an excuse, I can't act helpless or I'm never going to get better. I haven't drank since my first post here, so I just have to not let myself slip or act like I had no choice in the matter.