Has he had enough chances, Should I give up?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Bridlington
Posts: 1
Has he had enough chances, Should I give up?
Hi,
Like a lot of people you get to that point where you just want some help from people who don’t know you or the situation you’re in.
My Dad’s an alcoholic. He has been all the way throughout my life. I have brothers and sisters but at this point in his life they don't want anything to do with him.
I'm the youngest and for lots of reasons I'm the closest to him as the others have drifted away.
He recently because of abuse and general domestic arguing split up with his long term partner. They've been through a lot in terms of accidents and illness but she got to that point where enough was enough much like I did when I was younger.
All of the family has tried to help throughout the years as he's been at it for a good 30-40 years due to either the culture he grew up in or his love for boats and racing where everyone seemed to be serial rum drinkers. But it falls on death ears.
He lives in the past constantly and no doubt has some issues he needs to address but it's drinking right now that is the issue.
Me and my finance moved back into his old house that he with honest intentions I'm sure intended us to buy and live in. But after two years of never actually sorting it out he moved back... well... landed not he door step after getting kicked out.
He's continuously drunk. Almost split personality in about 4 or 5 different ways you just don't know what you're going to get. He's been arrested several times, missed his court dates, sleeps constantly, doesn't do anything, doesn't eat and when I have spoken to him when he's been in a state to intake some information it just never sticks.
I'm a very fair and level headed guy but I'm at that point now after having bought another house and lived under the same roof for three months that I just don't know what to do.
It's negatively affecting my life. I find myself on days where he gets arrested or sinks to new depths like today where I got in and he'd pissed himself turning drugs that I used to only use very rarely but now they've become something I use to mask the emotions I'm going through. I do have a history of depression although I've never been put on drugs as I'm quite cognitive in nature.
It's definitely put a strain on my relationship although in other ways it's made it stronger.
If I give up on him he'll almost certainly be dead within 3-4 years... he may even kill himself as he's tried to guilt trip me into thinking over the last few months.
What has been your experiences and what would you do? I'm just looking for some views from people who have dealt with similar situations.
Cheers,
Leo
Like a lot of people you get to that point where you just want some help from people who don’t know you or the situation you’re in.
My Dad’s an alcoholic. He has been all the way throughout my life. I have brothers and sisters but at this point in his life they don't want anything to do with him.
I'm the youngest and for lots of reasons I'm the closest to him as the others have drifted away.
He recently because of abuse and general domestic arguing split up with his long term partner. They've been through a lot in terms of accidents and illness but she got to that point where enough was enough much like I did when I was younger.
All of the family has tried to help throughout the years as he's been at it for a good 30-40 years due to either the culture he grew up in or his love for boats and racing where everyone seemed to be serial rum drinkers. But it falls on death ears.
He lives in the past constantly and no doubt has some issues he needs to address but it's drinking right now that is the issue.
Me and my finance moved back into his old house that he with honest intentions I'm sure intended us to buy and live in. But after two years of never actually sorting it out he moved back... well... landed not he door step after getting kicked out.
He's continuously drunk. Almost split personality in about 4 or 5 different ways you just don't know what you're going to get. He's been arrested several times, missed his court dates, sleeps constantly, doesn't do anything, doesn't eat and when I have spoken to him when he's been in a state to intake some information it just never sticks.
I'm a very fair and level headed guy but I'm at that point now after having bought another house and lived under the same roof for three months that I just don't know what to do.
It's negatively affecting my life. I find myself on days where he gets arrested or sinks to new depths like today where I got in and he'd pissed himself turning drugs that I used to only use very rarely but now they've become something I use to mask the emotions I'm going through. I do have a history of depression although I've never been put on drugs as I'm quite cognitive in nature.
It's definitely put a strain on my relationship although in other ways it's made it stronger.
If I give up on him he'll almost certainly be dead within 3-4 years... he may even kill himself as he's tried to guilt trip me into thinking over the last few months.
What has been your experiences and what would you do? I'm just looking for some views from people who have dealt with similar situations.
Cheers,
Leo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi there Leo and hugs..I don't have a lot of wisdom to share, but I know others will be along to share their knowledge with you.
I do, however, want to ask what you are doing for yourself? Have you read the info in the "stickies" above all of the threads in Friends and Family?
I really hate to hear you believe your dad if your responsibility; he isn't. The best thing you can do is read all you can on this website and perhaps find an alanon group. It has been helpful to me in my situation with my alcoholic husband. Whether you give up on your dad or not will be a question easier answered when you begin to help yourself first.
Big hugs to you.
I do, however, want to ask what you are doing for yourself? Have you read the info in the "stickies" above all of the threads in Friends and Family?
I really hate to hear you believe your dad if your responsibility; he isn't. The best thing you can do is read all you can on this website and perhaps find an alanon group. It has been helpful to me in my situation with my alcoholic husband. Whether you give up on your dad or not will be a question easier answered when you begin to help yourself first.
Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Leopriory88 
It's negatively affecting my life. I find myself on days where he gets arrested or sinks to new depths like today where I got in and he'd pissed himself turning drugs that I used to only use very rarely but now they've become something I use to mask the emotions I'm going through.
Just signed on and saw your heartfelt post. I am so sorry for your pain.
I pulled out the above quote from your post to make an important point: We can't fix or cure our alcoholic loved ones, no matter how hard we try. At some point, we have to step away from them, and their illness, "detach with love" - so that we can help ourselves. Your mental health and well being are hanging in the balance here, and that is something you definitely CAN work on.
Do you have a trusted doctor, or therapist perhaps, to discuss the toll this is taking on you? It sounds like you have a nice life, and a fiance that loves you; you deserve a good life, in spite of your father's choices and lack of self-care. Please invest some serious time in your own recovery and growth; maybe the example you set will positively influence your dad. And if not, you will still have your shining life to live.
I recommend you read all the links and "stickies" here on SR, and educate yourself about alcoholism/addiciton and its long-term consequences. And then devote yourself to staying healthy and building up your resources and support, regardless of what your dad decides to do.
Take care,
SQ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, Leo--glad you found us here. SR is a great source of both information and support for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic. As others have already said, the stickied threads at the top of the page are an excellent starting point for educating yourself about alcoholism, codependence, and other related issues. Here's a link from that area to get you started: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon would likely be a good idea for you (and perhaps your fiance, too?). It's good to have some face-to-face support as well as us here online. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
The more time you can spend here reading, the more you'll start to see yourself and your father in other people's stories. You are not alone, and as time goes on, you'll see much more clearly what path you should follow. For now, read, listen, learn and know that we are here for you.
Alanon would likely be a good idea for you (and perhaps your fiance, too?). It's good to have some face-to-face support as well as us here online. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
The more time you can spend here reading, the more you'll start to see yourself and your father in other people's stories. You are not alone, and as time goes on, you'll see much more clearly what path you should follow. For now, read, listen, learn and know that we are here for you.
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