MissBeth

So I posted my story here several days ago. It's in this section and called "Cannot deal with it, am I selfish?". I can't post a link to it as I don't have a high enough post count.

So I am totally moved out, and settling in with my mother. Yesterday he calls me around dinner time, in tears. Asks me to check my emails. Pleading and begging. I read his emails and text him that I will call him after dinner.

I call him and he has all the right answers. He will go to his Doctor, he will go to counselling, he will do total sobriety. He has researched it on the internet about what he's going to face and what he should do. He admitted that he screwed up everything with me and basically spent the last 5 years drinking himself to death and doesn't want to do that anymore.

I don't have to give up chocolate. I don't have to do anything, except for not leave him. I don't have to move back straight away, he just wants me to give him a chance to prove he can do this.

So I went over to his place and we talked. I think he's at rock bottom.

So my question is, do I give him one last chance?

When I'm in the same room as him, I feel the sincerity. When I'm not, doubts crowd my mind and the thought of going back scares me. I'm scared that he will fail and I will have to go through this heartache again.

I'm just at a total loss on what to do.

Any thoughts or insights would be really appreciated at this point.

suki44883

You don't have to make any decisions right now. If he is true to his word, he will walk the walk without you having to agree to try again at the relationship. I can't count how many people have posted the same thing you just did, and they went back, and in a very short time, all that talk about going to meetings or counseling or all the other stuff just flies right out the window. Then, there they are. Moved back in and have to start all over again.

I wouldn't agree to anything. Just live your life and see what he does and IF he does what he says he'll do for a year or so, then you might considering trying again.

HealingWillCome

What is your head telling you? Not your heart, but your head.

You have to make this decision for yourself, but I remember your original post, and I will say this... You may feel like he has hit rock bottom. You may feel his sincerity. You may desperately want to believe every word he has said. But...

Honestly, words mean almost nothing at this point. Wait...they mean absolutely nothing. Many (probably most) of us here have heard the same heart-wrenching speech delivered by an alcoholic loved one desperate not to lose the person who has put up with the madness for so long. I am sorry to say this, but you are hearing that desperate speech.

Please go back and re-read your first to post to us. He is abusive and cruel toward you. He is an alcoholic. He is doing what alcoholics do when threatened with loss.

Actions, not words, will prove his intent. Lots of actions over long periods of time will prove his intent, one way or the other.

My advice to you, because you asked, is to continue your separation. Let him do the work he needs to do find health and continued healing. You do the same for yourself and see where things are after at least one year. It may sound like an eternity, but a year will reveal much.

Hawkeye13

Yes, I'm afraid I agree with the above. Talk doesn't mean much at this point.
Unfortunately, it is a classic pattern.

Stay at your mothers and let him show you with actions over a good amount of time how serious he is.
You both need time and space apart to work on your own recovery.
If he really means it and walks the walk, you can reevaluate down the road.
I agree that a year indicates real seriousness, but he will try to convince you that a couple of months is enough.
No it isn't. Keep reading here if you have any doubt of that. Almost anyone can "white knuckle" not drinking for a limited period of time.
That is not recovery.

I really don't think this can be done "together" when there is this much abuse and hurt that is so fresh
(in my opinion)

AnvilheadII

He will go to his Doctor, he will go to counselling, he will do total sobriety.

he WILL....not he already IS.

I don't have to do anything, except for not leave him.

his PLAN is still contingent upon what YOU do....not what he already IS doing. if he truly felt he was drinking himself into the grave, he'd be grabbing at life preservers like a drowning man. he'd ALREADY have met with his doctor, or gone to AA or done SOMETHING, some sober ACT. instead he puts it back on YOU.....conditions.

it's not what he SAYS he will do....it is what he DOES do. don't for one moment think you KNOW when someone is at rock bottom. you just moved out...give that some time! you left for a reason....remember? you deserve some time to figure out what YOU want from life....and not just the life that orbits around HIM.

Katchie

This decision is up to you. If you don't give it another try, its no sweat off your brow, but I hope you continue to work on yourself. And if that is your choice, I hope you don't allow him to keep calling with tears causing you emotional stress.

If you do decide to give it another go, I hope you don't rush back into the relationship. Instead, I hope you stay where you are until he shows a good years worth of ACTION, not just words.

The only right thing is that you put yourself first in order of importance with what ever decision you choose. Don't let it be because he sheds tears. Of course, this is all much easier for me to say on this side of the computer.

Whatever decision you make, I hope it is blessed! Hugs!

spiderqueen

Love this.

DesertEyes

Here's the link, MissBeth

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-selfish.html

Mike
Moderator, SR

MissBeth

So at the moment, my therapist said I'm not in any state to make a decision one way or another. I've had severe depression for years and going through a rough patch at the moment (probably due to his alcoholism).

I guess I took the gutless way out and the therapist offered to call him directly and ask him not to contact me for a few weeks. That I need time and space to heal and recover. I almost jumped for joy when she said this, because it meant I did not have to speak to him.

I am sorely tempted to check the bank account to see if he's gone and bought alcohol but my therapist advised against this. Said I'm not his mother and it's not my concern.

So now at least I feel like I will be left in peace for awhile, but I can't help wondering if he has already given in to the addiction. If I were a betting woman, I'd put it all on yes....

FeelingGreat

This will give you some space, and him as well. He'll either use it to seek recovery, or carry on as usual. At least it leaves you out of the equation and he'll do it for himself.

Hopeworks

Honey, it is NOT gutless to protect your heart and mind by allowing the counselor to speak for you in this matter ... it is pure wisdom and strength! And the relief you feel is an indicator that your inner compass is sending you confirmation to give yourself time and space... these two things are your friend and this one thing is true... as time goes on more will be revealed.

As time goes on and you your frayed edges begin to heal you will gain perspective and clarity... and peace and serenity if you don't allow him to send your emotions into a tailspin during this time of transition.

How I wish I had listened when I was told this over and over 3 years ago myself...but I was the hardhead and I didn't stay separated during periods of "alleged recovery" but I had to hover and helicopter and run the recovery show! Finally I had to leave him and he was a complete mess for two years...but then something amazing happened:

He broke up with alcohol with NO HELP... the helpless pathetic one pulled himself out of homelessness and hopeless addiction in a strange city with no resources. Dried himself out without even detox (always needed this before along with drugs), no rehabs, no halfway houses, no counselors... just AA.

He is now sober 7 months and it means so much to him because HE is invested and HE wants it for himself... not for me (I am no longer available to any A recovered or not). And because it is not for me, his kids, his mom etc... he has even more incentive and hope for a lifetime of true recovery.

I don't know of any man on here or anywhere that was a "real alcoholic" that can stop just because they want something back (wife, family, kids) without having that true spiritual bottom at depth ...

I told you that story because time marches on and if you give it a year apart you have PEACE and can watch from afar... time will tell and your heart will be safe in the meantime. The best support is prayer... connecting with himself and his HP and finding his own way out of addiction will keep him on the path without anyone driving him with a stick (that was me lol )

Treerat66

Hi MissBeth,
Only he knows what his rock bottom is and if he has reached it.

honeypig

I think you've gotten some good advice here, MissBeth. I'd just like to echo those who said that you should stay put and watch. If he's serious, he will start his own recovery. He doesn't need you to live w/him or talk to him or anything else in order to recover. You will see his growth and you will know when/if things have changed.

I'd like to pass on a couple of things I've saved that were posted here in time gone by. One is this:
When he does get it, there will be no questions. There will be no controlling. There will be no name calling. When he does get it, it will shine like a light. You will hear humility and gratefulness for being alive. Until he gets it, he must have as little contact as possible with you. When he gets it, he will respect your boundaries, and be grateful for them.

And this one was addressed to me, when I was struggling w/my AH's recovery or lack thereof, and it still astounds me w/its beauty and power:
We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and the DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.

I hope you find some help in those secondhand words of wisdom. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Hopeworks

That was so meaningful, powerful and true. Another strong analogy that got through my thick headed blindness was the A who used every ounce of strength, Resolve and determination to reach their goals just as a drowning man claws his way to the surface of a churning ocean. Whatever ... Whatever it takes