Tatertot

Hello folks!

It's me again

Things are still progressing very well with my SO and myself. We have been dating for almost 4 years now and would like to move in together very soon (this year).

The issue is my mom... she still is not totally on board with my being with him. As a refresher we have an almost 21 year age gap. I'm 37 and he is 57 (soon to be 58). My mom is still not comfortable with the age gap, but she does make an effort for him to be included now in some of the family dinners/outings that we do. So that's good, but I am dreading telling her that we are moving in together (it's because I own my condo while he is just renting, and he would be moving in with me). I also make a lot more $$$ than he does and she is worried that because around here if you live with someone for 2 years they are legally entitled to half your stuff/$$$ even if you are not married.

We have been postponing moving in together for a few different reasons, most notably because after my dad passed away I just lost all the joy in my life and I just wasn't ready to make such a big commitment to something that should be very happy, at such a sad time in my life.

When my SO (significant other) and I were discussing this the other day he just blurted out that he wants to move in with me sooner rather than later and that he would be more than willing to sign a prenup in order to make my mom happy and to make her realize that he is with me because he truly loves me and wants to be with me and that he is not just with me for my (very, very limited) money.

I really am not sure how I feel about prenups... I suppose on the one hand they offer a measure of protection for the person bringing more into the relationship but on the other hand don't they mean that you are sure that your relationship is destined to fail?

I would love to hear about how prenups have either helped or hindered you, and whether you think you would ever sign one for someone else, or ask someone to sign one before moving in/getting married again?

Thanks for the perspective, I always know I can find great opinions here

TT

amy55

I needed to think awhile before responding to this.

First, I thought no way would I ever agree to prenups because that would indicate a trust issue, and I would want to trust the person I married.

But

then it seemed like he brought it up, not you, and this would to be to appease your mom, and I think it's OK. How about putting a time limit on it though. Say 5 years, this way you appease your mom, and you let him know that you do trust him.

Then Again

I never did this, so I could be totally off base here, so take what you can and leave the rest.

Sounds like you are happy in your life. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

lillamy

My thoughts are very similar to Amy's.

Your SO is an RA, right? That would factor into my decision. While in general I wouldn't want to move in with someone I didn't fully trust, if that person was an RA, I probably would happily accept a prenup.

nowinsituation

My husband and I have a prenup. I would not have done so for my first marriage. We both had few assets that we brought into the marriage and it just wasn't done during those days. But, after a painful property settlement --- I definitely know I wanted one the second time around....

1. I have significant property, and will have more when passed down from my family. It is important that the property stay in my family (family farm); so the prenup (along with my will) make sure that when I pass away, this property goes to my children and not to my spouse - who could then pass it to his children (or whoever else he wanted).

2. When my last marriage ended, I was the primary breadwinner. I was ordered to pay spousal support to my ex. My current husband waived any spousal support from me in the prenup. (I also waived any spousal support from him). It just eases my mind; because I feel that my ex husband took advantage of me in that regard.

3. My current husband and I have decided to own some property jointly. This has been a conscious choice; and not just the default decision. We know that if we split, we must split this joint property fairly; but it is property that we have both contributed to and, like I said, consciously decided to do specific things jointly.

I don't think by having a prenup you are making a statement that you don't think the relationship will work.....

Just my thoughts!

Tatertot

Hi gals,

Thanks for the replies... a prenup had literally never even entered my mind until it crossed his lips... as I do trust him 100%. A time limit on the prenup??? Is that an option? That might be good middle ground... good thinking Amy!

Lillamy, yes my SO is an RA/A... he is coming up on 5 years clean/sober on May 5th. We will be together for 4 years at the beginning of June. And believe me, I have been on my own for a very long time now and am very comfortable being/living on my own, so this would be a very big step for me, and not one that I take lightly... I would not consider having him move in with me if I didn't trust him fully 100%.

But still, maybe in order to make my mom at ease it really might be something to consider...

lillamy

You know, I think because I've never owned much of anything, I thought of a prenup as a sign of distrust. But frankly, your reasoning makes perfect sense to me.

hopeful4

From having learned the hard way, if I could go back and do it all over again I would have one. However, on the flip side if I could do it all over again I would not have married my XAH, just gave birth to my babies and ran...haha!

PeacefulMe

I had a prenup and it literally was a lifesaver. I knew he was an A but really had no idea what it meant to live with one. There were many red flags though and thankfully I was smart enough to protect myself to some degree. Although he was working when we dated and he only moved in a few months before we were married he lost his job due to downsizing and wonder of wonders he never actually worked again...............we married in 1991. He had jumped around from place to place and job to job and although he was 40 years old when we were married he had no savings, no IRA etc. I had a high paying position in the medical field, had significant savings etc. I also had been through a divorce previously so was not so idealistic about marriage being forever. I hung on for 21 years and took early retirement in 2010, we moved to another state and then things went really south as is the usual case with progressive alcoholism. These included more paranoia, memory problems, verbal abuse etc. We separated in 2011 and were nearly through our divorce when he died. But because of the pending divorce I had to settle with his heirs (brothers) just as we would have had we finalized our divorce. Although he (and subsequently his brothers) was entitled to half of the IRA and and assets acquired during the marriage everything that I had prior to the marriage and its appreciation (significant over 20+ years) he had no claim to. The prenup was the BEST thing I have ever done. And don't be fooled about putting a time limit on like 5 years or so. Alcoholism is progressive and only gets worse. We were married 21 years before I had to get out. To me this is a no brainer. You have enough red flags and if you are the primary wage earner as I was you owe it to yourself to protect yourself.

Hope4Life

Where does it only take 2 years to get 1/2? I am looking for a new girlfriend and this sounds GREAT to me! LOL!!! JK!

That was very nice of him to offer to do that. I would suggest NOT putting a time limit on it, however. It is obvious that you trust him just by letting him move in and IMHO, it is unnecessary to limit the length of the prenup. Who knows what the future holds and I think if you can protect yourself then you should.

My 2 cents....

Tatertot

Wow, I just KNEW you guys would come through!!!

So many different points of view, opinions, and experiences! Really puts a whole new spin on it for me.

This is going to require a lot more thinking and discussion...

Rosiepetal

As a person who went through a messy divorce & lost the house of her dreams because home with kids & no finances to pay XH out I would definitely get a prenup next time round.
He doesn't have a problem with you getting a prenup so I would go with that.
I figure if my RABF was to ever move in with me then if he had a problem with me getting a prenup then it would be his insecurities & not mine & if they love you they will understand.
Just my 50 cents worth opinion.

Fathom

Hi there,

The part that jumps out at me about this is that you are considering a prenup to appease your mother. That would not be a strong enough reason in my mind (and I actually get along very well with my mother!). I'm not saying it's not a good idea, I would just examine my motivations a bit more.

Peace,
Fathom

Wisconsin

I would strongly encourage you to at least speak to a family lawyer in your area and find out what the laws are in your state.

Many here know my situation. I was married for 10 years to my first husband (not an A). We had two daughters. My earning capacity is/was much higher, and when we split up I agreed to pay him alimony--a higher amount for a longer period of time than he would have gotten had the divorce gone to trial. But I wanted out, and I agreed to a settlement that gave him a lot more than he would have gotten otherwise to save the expense and emotional trauma of a divorce trial.

Fast forward 6 years, and he gets well over half of my income, to the point that I live just above the poverty line. And I cannot qualify for temporary government benefits, because the state counts the alimony I pay him as MY income. This has put me in a position that has made it very, very difficult for me to leave my current husband, who is an emotionally abusive A.

And the irony is...if my XH and I had signed a prenup, it would have been primarily designed to protect what will be a fairly large future inheritance. But it would have had provisions on spousal support, too, and would have ended up protecting me. I never disputed that my XH needed some alimony, but he got far more for far longer than he has needed, and he has totally failed to use any of it to put himself in a better position to support himself (and it's my own fault for not making going back to school a requirement for him to receive alimony...hindsight is 20/20). None of this I could have EVER envisioned when we were young and engaged.

So my point is...you just never, ever know what will happen with anyone, A or not. You may both benefit from a simple document that waives any sort of spousal support for both of you (I am reminded of a poster here who was facing PERMANENT alimony payments to her STBXAH, because he had his alcoholism declared a disability and was unable to support himself), and where you both waive any ownership in the other's assets owned prior to moving in together (e.g., your condo).

I honestly, truly do not think it is an issue of trust. You're not saying you don't trust him. You're not saying that you believe he is going to relapse. You've worked hard for what you have, and you have a right to protect it. And if things carry on wonderfully, then the prenup never becomes an issue. But at least you have it.

redatlanta

Later in the game so to speak I would recommend a prenup for anyone. It doesn't mean that you will fail or that you don't trust the person. Its nothing more than making sure IF things go wrong and IF you decide to split that everyone ends up ok.

The one thing no one knows is how another, or how they themselves will handle a divorce. We may say "oh I would never do that" or think "they would never do that"......divorces bring out the worst in people. Often times all the money goes to the attorney and there is nothing left.

He offered so why not?

LifeRecovery

I offered my ex a prenup because his family was well off.

In other words I did it to protect him.

I am in no way ready to be in a relationship again, but I think I will plan on having a prenup if there is a next time.....for the reason of protecting myself.

I don't have a lot, but what I do have I have earned through my own hard work, protecting that is for me starting to feel like valuing and respecting myself to put myself first. I was pretty caught off guard when we did decide to split how my ex's attitude toward me and money changed, all the over the top lurve came crashing down....and some pretty unrealistic money expectations were thrown out. For example he expected that I would pay him back in full the downpayment gift his parents had given us (though when asked his parents did not expect that I would give it back to them).

Someone once told me that prenups are things created in joy/happiness ahead of time to assist in times of anger/crisis/sadness if they were to happen. That helped me to shift my thinking....it was just a way of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

RevivingOphelia

It would be a no-brainer for me: Pre-Nup ALL the way.

AnvilheadII

tatertot....prenup or not, it's wonderful how your relationship has blossomed. I was pretty harsh on the whole bit when it first started...and i'm really overjoyed to see that i'm not always right!

he really does sound like a very nice man. like down to his marrow nice. you saw that. and you guys have been cautious and not jumped into anything...just given each other time to grow.

DG0409

I would look at it like I do the insurance policy on my house. Getting it doesn't mean that I'm planning on my house burning down. But in the event that it did, I'd like to think that I wasn't going to be out everything I own.

dessy

My dad just got married with no prenup after 1 yr of knowing her and two yrs after mum died. She is also 37 and he is 74. Different to u because she is a phillipino trying to get money and residency. Dad couldnt see that though. She has banned and discouraged any relationship wih his family and friends. Oh god i wish he did a prenup

FeelingGreat

I've often thought about pre-nips because I'm divorced with adult children, and I've wondered about if I remarried.
IMO pre-nips are essential among mature adults who don't plan to start a family if there are adult children on either side, and possibly if one partner has significantly more assets than the other.
For young couples just starting out who plan to have children, no.