iDilemma
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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iDilemma
OK, so things have been going well for me lately. I moved out of my mom's house and got a place with my brother and my sons (12 & 4). It's perfect for us- rent in our range, boys in the same schools, etc. For the first time in years- possibly my entire life I am living in a home without active alcoholism or untreated mental illness. I was elected GR for my Alanon group about a month ago and have really been active working my steps and going to meetings- I'm in the middle of Step 4 right now. My job is good, my writing is going great- I think I'll have a good first draft of this novel within 6 months. I ordered myself a nice refurb laptop and got a great deal. I had wanted a tablet, but couldn't find one in my price range- I tend toward frugality.
Then I won an iPad in a raffle. Which has thrown me for a loop. I didn't even look at iPads when I was pricing computers because I knew they were out of my reach. I've started to feel really undeserving when I take stock of my massive gratitude list. I even feel $hitty writing this post, because I know there are people in the world with real problems- I used to be one of them. I feel like I ought to sell the damn thing on ebay and sock away the money, even though I don't need it and already have a hefty emergency fund. It's not the money, it's me. I'm sitting here looking at the unopened box- it literally just got delivered and I feel like there's something I'm missing. A landmine I'm going to step on or some awful disaster just around the corner. Because my life is never this good. I don't win things; I don't get to be happy. But now I am, or I was, until I started overthinking it. I want to keep the iPad. Not sure why, I just do. Anyone else ever feel this? Sorry if I sound ungrateful, I'm really not. Just uneasy about all this good fortune.
Then I won an iPad in a raffle. Which has thrown me for a loop. I didn't even look at iPads when I was pricing computers because I knew they were out of my reach. I've started to feel really undeserving when I take stock of my massive gratitude list. I even feel $hitty writing this post, because I know there are people in the world with real problems- I used to be one of them. I feel like I ought to sell the damn thing on ebay and sock away the money, even though I don't need it and already have a hefty emergency fund. It's not the money, it's me. I'm sitting here looking at the unopened box- it literally just got delivered and I feel like there's something I'm missing. A landmine I'm going to step on or some awful disaster just around the corner. Because my life is never this good. I don't win things; I don't get to be happy. But now I am, or I was, until I started overthinking it. I want to keep the iPad. Not sure why, I just do. Anyone else ever feel this? Sorry if I sound ungrateful, I'm really not. Just uneasy about all this good fortune.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I don't sense an ungrateful attitude. What I sense is a lingering fear of when something seems good, the other shoe is waiting to drop. That takes a while to settle down, after one gets "out" from close range.
I hope you will be able to enjoy your new blessings!
CLMI
I hope you will be able to enjoy your new blessings!
CLMI
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I read something last week about "deprivation trauma". It was a story about a woman who owned a hair salon. She was washing a client's hair and asked an employee to get her shampoo. The employee brought a new bottle from the storeroom instead of an already opened bottle at another station.
It was an epiphany for her. She realized she was truly traumatized at the thought of opening the new bottle when there were other bottles already open. I felt like I had been struck by lightening when I read this. I don't know if this at all relates but I talked about this in therapy today so it is on my mind. Apparently the term deprivation trauma is used to describe the awful feeling of anxiety about being given something that seems excessive at all to us. I think it comes from a sense of always being prepared for the worst, we learn to live mean and clean. But all of a sudden when it is no longer necessary we can't get rid of that awful feeling that we are doing something wrong.
I could easily be a hoarder, I have a physical response to waste. It seems like such a random topic but I think it goes back to trauma response. I apologize if this is way off base from what you were sharing.
It was an epiphany for her. She realized she was truly traumatized at the thought of opening the new bottle when there were other bottles already open. I felt like I had been struck by lightening when I read this. I don't know if this at all relates but I talked about this in therapy today so it is on my mind. Apparently the term deprivation trauma is used to describe the awful feeling of anxiety about being given something that seems excessive at all to us. I think it comes from a sense of always being prepared for the worst, we learn to live mean and clean. But all of a sudden when it is no longer necessary we can't get rid of that awful feeling that we are doing something wrong.
I could easily be a hoarder, I have a physical response to waste. It seems like such a random topic but I think it goes back to trauma response. I apologize if this is way off base from what you were sharing.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Enjoy your little blessing and maybe your little ones will enjoy it too! I once won a subway sandwich for answering a radio question correctly; I'd take an ipad over a sandwich any day..it won't add calories to my backside! Congrats and go play with your new toy without reservation or guilt; no need to over think a slice of goodness thrown your way -- you DO deserve it. :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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You deserve it!!! I agree with other posts. You deserve happiness. You deserve every lile bit of peace you have right now. Keep the iPad! Download some apps for you son maybe? My 6 year old loves pet rescue and angry birds.
iPads are so fun! There are yoga apps, pandora, recipe apps, budgeting, IM, FaceTime, email, business apps, games (candy crush is my fave). You name it, you can find it!
I also learned last year my library uses the overdrive app. It allows me to borrow electronic books. I can read on my iPad and not worry about late fees or forgetting to return the book.
Have fun!!,
iPads are so fun! There are yoga apps, pandora, recipe apps, budgeting, IM, FaceTime, email, business apps, games (candy crush is my fave). You name it, you can find it!
I also learned last year my library uses the overdrive app. It allows me to borrow electronic books. I can read on my iPad and not worry about late fees or forgetting to return the book.
Have fun!!,
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
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Lucky lady or a gift from the universe! I heard or read somewhere that its difficult for caretakers and codies to accept compliments. We just cant give a simple thank you...there always has to be some kind of defensive explaination with it...! Maybe when you finish your step 4 you will understand what is holding you back from accepting this gift from the universe, without hesitation...simply because the universe thinks you deserve it! Your higher power must have heard you!
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I also have that "waiting for the other shoe" syndrome. I think I got so used to being anxious, stressed, unhappy, that I have had a hard time learning to settle down and trust that the sky ISN'T going to fall today just because I wake up and can't find anything to worry about.
Absolutely, keep the iPad. And keep it yours. If you're anything like me, you'll rationalize keeping it with "the kids will enjoy playing games on it" and "it will be good for their school projects." I think I would do the absolute opposite and deliberately celebrate that this is yours and you deserve it and it's the karma bus making a delivery to in some little way make up for all you've been through.
For me, every day the sky doesn't fall, my trust in the Universe gets a little bit stronger.
Absolutely, keep the iPad. And keep it yours. If you're anything like me, you'll rationalize keeping it with "the kids will enjoy playing games on it" and "it will be good for their school projects." I think I would do the absolute opposite and deliberately celebrate that this is yours and you deserve it and it's the karma bus making a delivery to in some little way make up for all you've been through.
For me, every day the sky doesn't fall, my trust in the Universe gets a little bit stronger.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Thanks. I knew my SR homies would understand. I opened it- no trumpets or fanfare, but also no lightning bolt striking me down from the heavens.
Now please tell me there's a laundry folding app, 'cause my dryer just buzzed!
You guys are the best. Thanks again.
Now please tell me there's a laundry folding app, 'cause my dryer just buzzed!
You guys are the best. Thanks again.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe tomorrow you can try turning it on? you know, one day at a time!
i'm glad a wolf spider didn't jump out and eat your face - nor did a big chunk of blue ice fall from the sky and land on you!
if we remain in a state of gratitude for any abundance that comes our way, we'll be fine. it's when we start taking it all for granted and get that sense of entitlement going that things start going awry!
i'm glad a wolf spider didn't jump out and eat your face - nor did a big chunk of blue ice fall from the sky and land on you!
if we remain in a state of gratitude for any abundance that comes our way, we'll be fine. it's when we start taking it all for granted and get that sense of entitlement going that things start going awry!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hell yes, you should open & enjoy that ipad and not think twice about it!
You ARE deserving of this good fortune, there is no doubt in my mind.
This strikes a big chord for me. I have never understood the anxiety that I feel when I find that TWO boxes of cereal/chips/crackers/whatever have been opened.... or how stupid my explanation to DD sounds when I refuse to open a 2nd box of something even though they are 2 different flavors, brands, varieties, etc. Or the immense satisfaction I feel when I use up 100% of a product before tossing the empty package.
That's something I never would have even thought to link to my ACoA dysfunction, but holy moly does this resonate for me.
You ARE deserving of this good fortune, there is no doubt in my mind.
Originally Posted by jaynie04
It was an epiphany for her. She realized she was truly traumatized at the thought of opening the new bottle when there were other bottles already open. I felt like I had been struck by lightening when I read this. I don't know if this at all relates but I talked about this in therapy today so it is on my mind. Apparently the term deprivation trauma is used to describe the awful feeling of anxiety about being given something that seems excessive at all to us.
This strikes a big chord for me. I have never understood the anxiety that I feel when I find that TWO boxes of cereal/chips/crackers/whatever have been opened.... or how stupid my explanation to DD sounds when I refuse to open a 2nd box of something even though they are 2 different flavors, brands, varieties, etc. Or the immense satisfaction I feel when I use up 100% of a product before tossing the empty package.
That's something I never would have even thought to link to my ACoA dysfunction, but holy moly does this resonate for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Robert Emmons, perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, argues that gratitude has two key components, which he describes in a Greater Good essay, “Why Gratitude Is Good.”
“First,” he writes, “it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received.”
In the second part of gratitude, he explains, “we recognize that the sources of this goodness are outside of ourselves. … We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.”
“First,” he writes, “it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received.”
In the second part of gratitude, he explains, “we recognize that the sources of this goodness are outside of ourselves. … We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.”
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I can really relate to this. I feel that same uneasiness when things seem to be going well. We once had an al anon meeting on this. For me I got used to living in chaos and I had no faith that life could be good. It was easier to just accept the bad than live with the anxiety that my world would shift and I would feel that crushing disappointment. I tend to hoard money "just in case." Not the worst thing I could hoard by a long shot but it means I tend to deprive myself.
You do deserve that i-pad. Enjoy it!
You do deserve that i-pad. Enjoy it!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
LOL! I have a love-hate relationship with my iPad (which I am typing on right now). My XAH gave it to me for Christmas right after I left him, during a phase when he was trying to be ultra nice and giving. I had no job, was living with my mom, was getting no money from him, and was faced with therapy bills and no insurance to help with them... And he thought I would enjoy an iPad!!!? I was ready to cash it in, but he had had it personalized. I don't think he realized that that would be the only way I would keep the darned thing. I think he just wanted to make it that much more expensive (i.e. More money = look! I'm doing better!). Yes, I might be a touch cynical.
Anyway, I did keep it. There is no way I would have bought one for myself, and I am sometimes embarrassed that I have one. But, secretly (maybe it's not a secret!), I actually love it. So, I try to just let myself enjoy the fact that I have it and that I didn't have to buy it myself.
I vote for enjoying what the karma bus obviously believes you deserve! Maybe, you can start believing it too!
Peace,
Fathom
Anyway, I did keep it. There is no way I would have bought one for myself, and I am sometimes embarrassed that I have one. But, secretly (maybe it's not a secret!), I actually love it. So, I try to just let myself enjoy the fact that I have it and that I didn't have to buy it myself.
I vote for enjoying what the karma bus obviously believes you deserve! Maybe, you can start believing it too!
Peace,
Fathom
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