Erin3264

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I was recently dating a recovering addict for about 1 year. We broke up due to my lack of understanding of the recovery process and he was not able to understand my concerns. He recently just ended it and hasn't wanted to work on it at all which doesnt make sense after being in a comitted relationship. I am trying to go to Naranon meetings and NA meetins to understand more about recovery and how I can support him and also how my life would be with him in the future. Does anyone have any advice for me and whether or not dating him again would be a good idea or maybe what is going on in his mind.

Erin

cynical one

I think the best place to learn about addiction is from the University of Utah. They have a whole series of topics. Be sure to check out the interactive Mouse Party, and put the little mice in the chair to see what happens in the brain. Each mouse has a different DOC (drug of choice).

Welcome to the group.

LoveMeNow

NIDA sponsors this site??

Kindeyes

I guess I'm a little confused. Is he interested in getting back together?

cynical one

Yes, NIDA actually sponsors most drug research being done by institutions and universities as they get the primary share of the Federal money. In turn they then grant funds to those doing independent research. I much prefer the independent research though it's not as unbiased as it was prior to The War on Drugs. Under Leshner, NIDA was the premier research institution. IMO, not so much anymore. I remember as a child some of the directors, assistant directors, scientists, and psychologists from NIMH being at my home discussing the formation of this thing called NIDA and it was about drugs. Which to me at the time were the hippies on TV that were tripping and tuning out, or whatever the cool catchphrases were at the time. Who knew that 30 prior when I was there at the formation, that I would be needing their information. LOL I also remember trying so hard to remember who was Doctor and who was Mr. or Mrs.

Erin3264

He says that he still loves me but doesn't think that we will work with the way I view recovery. I believe that if I can understand it more and be more supportive things will be able to work.

Erin3264

Do you think there are just some people (including me) who will never understand addiction? And he just did this because he knows that I will never understand as well as my judgemental words were not good for his recovery? He has been clean for 4 years.

cynical one

What kind of concerns do you have about the recovery process that he isn't able to understand?

allforcnm

I would suggest the following for info on addiction & recovery...

Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

Support and Resources for Parents Dealing with Teen Drug and Alcohol Abuse | The Partnership at Drugfree.org

and Google: "HBO Addiction" This site was created by HBO in Partnership with National Institute of Drug Abuse and is well organized and easy to read.

Erin3264

Well the fear of relapse, the fact that they need constant help to stay clean. It is very scary when talking about committing the rest of your life with someone. I wasn't able to understand why someone would need that the rest of their life and I guess I didn't really try but more tried to change that. After things got rocky, i realized i need to step up and I am learning more about it and understanding that I was wrong for things that I said. Now i don't know if there is anyway to take it back and show my understanding.

allforcnm

This is just my opinion: Relationships need communication. If his recovery is paramount in his life then he should be willing to spend time talking to you about it, his specific program of recovery (and know there are many out there), and he should try to help you learn and answer any questions you have. He should openly tell you what he needs from you in terms of his recovery and explain why its necessary for him. He also needs to be open to what you need. Don't forget your needs are important too. He may/may not be able to meet them... that's something only you can decide.

Erin3264

Yes, I definitely agree with you and we both did a poor job a communicating about this in our relationship (something I have learned from). Its a scary thing for both parties, but he has said that he just doesn't think our lives are compatable. I hope that he realizes that I am trying really hard to understand this and gives me a second chance.

cynical one

You can educate yourself to the moon and back, but you will never fully understand addiction. And, when I say you, that means me and anybody else who is not addicted themselves. Addictive relationships are hard...for both sides. I'm sure you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Unless your behavior was unacceptable (abusive, demeaning) don't beat yourself up over things said in the past.

Vale

Nora Volkov, head of NIDA (or was).
Google her, smart lady.... fascinating
personal history.

Great insights.

doggonecarl

Agree.

"Some people have a genetic predisposition to addiction, but because it involves these basic brain functions, everyone will become an addict if sufficiently exposed to drugs or alcohol."
--Dr. Nora Volkow, director of NIDA

doggonecarl

I think a year is long enough to determine if a couple in a relationship have what it takes to make it work, to be committed: Shared values, interests, views, respect...love.

He has decided you guys do not have what it takes.

Txhelp

I think everyone, with a normal IQ, has the capacity to understand addiction and the process of recovery. Do they want to or care enough? I suppose it's up to the individual of course. Just as the addict may/may not care enough to get help.

It sounds like he needed some space, from the relationship, due to his recovery or something else. However, its up to your to honor that and learn about yourself and what you want out of a relationship.

Kindeyes

Relationships end even when addiction is not involved. And the really tough part of a relationship ending is when it is not a mutual decision. It just plain hurts. I am sorry you are hurting but I'm not sure at this point if understanding his addiction and recovery process is going to help you find peace with the breakup.

I'm sure those were really hard words to hear......but it sounds like he was trying to be as kind as he could. Sometimes people aren't compatible and it's good to figure that out before there is more emotional capital invested.

gentle hugs
ke

hopeful4

I can tell you my own experience. I am heavily educated in addiction. While I am educated in it, my mind cannot really wrap around it because I am not an addict. I try to go over to the other forums and read so I can understand more, but often find myself triggered with anger.

I stayed with my XAH for 18 years. I tried to heal him in the beginning and then did understand that could not happen. I tried every way, but in the end it just got worse as addiction always does. It is definitely a progressive disease. The only way they EVER recover is if they want it for themselves very badly and are willing to work that recovery every single day, forever. It's a HUGE committment.

I can only say my opinion which is RUN. I am sorry to say that, I know it is not what you want to hear. However, do some reading. Life with an addict is a tough life. As things progress you get married, have children, all things you deserve out of life. It becomes another beast because you see how the children are affected.

Please don't listen to his words, look at his actions over the course of a very very long time (I am speaking in terms of years), and you will be able to see how he is living his life.

I am sorry for what brings you here but very glad you found us.

L0stH0pe

i can only echo what hopeful4 is telling you... take this chance and RUN as fast and far as you can. I know it seems impossible right now, as you are hurting so badly, but you will be happy again... and one day, you will look back at this and maybe see it for what it is, a close encounter with a very painful way of life.

My AH has put us all through hell and back until he admitted what was going on with him, i had my suspicions, at one point i thought he was having an affair (well he kind of was, those d*mned pills were his mistress) because he kept denying being high/drunk. I started to feel like i was going insane, literally, i went to my psychiatrist and said it outright..

Its not an easy life, being with an addict, BOTH parties have to make the CHOICE.. if one partie doesnt want a relationship, there is nothing the other person can do.

And even when they stop using and are clean, there is all the emotional baggage that you are left with to deal with, all the new skills YOU have to relearn to take care of yourself, to put yourself first..

My AH keeps going on about "unconditional love" yes, it is true my LOVE is unconditional however our marriage isnt, a relationship always has conditions and if those are broken, then it takes a lot of effort and forgiveness and willingness on both sides to repair the damage.

Just keep reading some of our stories and maybe, just maybe, you will see this for what it can be, a fresh start for you, free from drugs, the worry of relapse.. you can go on a journey to discover what YOU want and then find the right man for you.