Understanding Addiction
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Understanding Addiction
I was recently dating a recovering addict for about 1 year. We broke up due to my lack of understanding of the recovery process and he was not able to understand my concerns. He recently just ended it and hasn't wanted to work on it at all which doesnt make sense after being in a comitted relationship. I am trying to go to Naranon meetings and NA meetins to understand more about recovery and how I can support him and also how my life would be with him in the future. Does anyone have any advice for me and whether or not dating him again would be a good idea or maybe what is going on in his mind.
Erin
Erin
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Hi Erin!
...well, just girl to girl, if he ended it and he doesn't want to work on things...what are you going to accomplish here?
I think you deserve a boyfriend that wants to work at having a really good relationship with you. Maybe this guy just isn't right for you and you're not right for him and he's trying to tell you that by ending things. My advice to you is that you should go on dates with people other than your ex and enjoy yourself and have fun!
...well, just girl to girl, if he ended it and he doesn't want to work on things...what are you going to accomplish here?
I think you deserve a boyfriend that wants to work at having a really good relationship with you. Maybe this guy just isn't right for you and you're not right for him and he's trying to tell you that by ending things. My advice to you is that you should go on dates with people other than your ex and enjoy yourself and have fun!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I agree, I have thought that but I feel as if I hurt his feelings with my unacceptance of his recovery. I also think that he is afraid that I will never get it and that I am going to hinder his recovery. My thing is, I love him so much and really do want to understand it so I am trying to figure out how to understand it and how to prove that to him.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Maybe he needs the space to sort out his feelings. Also, from my experience, if he is sober and breaking things off with you it was probably done so he doesn't hinder his recovery. If you want to help him, I would honor his request to end the relationship and just leave the ball in his court.
In the meantime, if you still feel compelled to learn about addiction, the permanent posts at the top of this forum (referred to as stickies) are a great place to start.
In the meantime, if you still feel compelled to learn about addiction, the permanent posts at the top of this forum (referred to as stickies) are a great place to start.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I'm an alcoholic and sometimes have a hard time understanding how I got that way, can't imagine how hard it is for the ones who have to live with us!
These are just my thoughts and how it has had to work for me. Being in recovery has meant that I need to change a lot of things about me. I am glad I am not in a relationship because for me it is just one more thing I have to worry about.
Recovery is also a lifetime commitment. There really is no end and there will always be a chance that I might screw it up. I am not trying to and I definitely don't want to, but all it would take is one minute of stinky thinking and I would be right back where I ended.
The best support you can give someone is to make sure you look after yourself first. It is hard for someone to understand what it is like unless you have been through it. I grew up with my mom drinking and I never understood her or alcoholism either. But going thru it myself, yup, I get what it is like and why it is so hard to get people to understand sometimes. Also I will always be an alcoholic. It doesn't go away, it is always there and something I will always have to be aware of.
These are just my thoughts and how it has had to work for me. Being in recovery has meant that I need to change a lot of things about me. I am glad I am not in a relationship because for me it is just one more thing I have to worry about.
Recovery is also a lifetime commitment. There really is no end and there will always be a chance that I might screw it up. I am not trying to and I definitely don't want to, but all it would take is one minute of stinky thinking and I would be right back where I ended.
The best support you can give someone is to make sure you look after yourself first. It is hard for someone to understand what it is like unless you have been through it. I grew up with my mom drinking and I never understood her or alcoholism either. But going thru it myself, yup, I get what it is like and why it is so hard to get people to understand sometimes. Also I will always be an alcoholic. It doesn't go away, it is always there and something I will always have to be aware of.
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Everyone keeps saying to look after myself, but I really don't know what that means. I just want to be with him and support him. I believe that he is a great guy and I am looking after myself by dating someone as great as him, but maybe I am way off.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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Looking after yourself means that you are at peace and you are happy and are not caught up in the addicts cycle. This really applies to any relationship. It is easy to lose yourself in any kind of relationship.
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Originally Posted by LadyinBC 
Looking after yourself means that you are at peace and you are happy and are not caught up in the addicts cycle. This really applies to any relationship. It is easy to lose yourself in any kind of relationship.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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It's funny Erin, I don't want to be defined by my alcoholism and labels, however I can't forget I am one. It has kind of made me who I am today. I personally am scared to forget I am one, cause I'm scared if I forget, I will go back.
If I went back to drinking tomorrow, I honestly think it would kill me. I don't think I could stop the next time.
I think it is great you can look past the label. It is just something to be aware of that is all.
If I went back to drinking tomorrow, I honestly think it would kill me. I don't think I could stop the next time.
I think it is great you can look past the label. It is just something to be aware of that is all.
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