CarrieBear

My fiance has been detoxing at home wants.to get clean before the evaluation this week. He was doing.cold turkey but Failed yesterday. now his cousin who i guess.is.in charge because hes an.expert has decided he needs.warm turkey? they had me read.from a.website how to get off heroin and.what im supposed to do to help him. looks like I have not been.supportive enough. im angry he.got a dui, and because he wont cut the cousin loose. Im reading and fine I will be supportive walk with him, talk to him nice and be happy hes doing this. Hes not.supposed to be on heroin I was told its Oxy. does it matter? theysay no him and the cousin. advice?

Ann

Sweetie, you don't have to do anything they want you to do. He can go to detox to get off heroin. Putting the success or failure of his detox or sobriety on you or your behaviour? Pffftttt. Not likely.

Can you visit family while he goes through this. Detoxing is not pretty and really should be done under the direction of his doctor. It can be dangerous and trying to do it alone is foolish.

If you can put space between you while he does this, you make be able to find your balance and decide what is best for YOUR future.

Good luck.

Hugs

SadWife7

Oh, boy.
"you have not been supportive enough"- Total BS. The easiest part for me in my crappy road has been that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS ADDICTION. Say it to yourself till you can believe it. If he wants to he'll do it whether you are there or not.
If I could go back in time....If I knew my husband snorted heroin one time before we were married, while I was pregnant with our 1st child...I would not be married today. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that his recovery is up to him, and you will be as supportive as possible, but you can't do it for him or with him. I would stay with my parents, a friend or even in a cheap hotel. If he really wants to be clean & wants help, tell him that you'll put him up in a cheap hotel for the week, no car, no phone, no money, just a fridge with plenty of liquids & something that he can eat, so that he can't get a hold of anything when the pain of the detox kicks in. If he can get it out of his system enough to think clearer then he will be able to see if he truly wants to be clean or not. It's great his cousin wants to help...My husband has an alcoholic father who's been sober for 19 years, who knew about his heroin addiction for 3 weeks and was not able to help him. Even if he means well, he is too close to the situation. He can go to an AA/NA meeting and meet a sponser who can help him through this if he wants to get clean.
The scary part is that if he has a heroin addiction, this will define the rest of his life to a degree. The fear of relapse will always be there. The likelihood of depression will be there for a long time-and you have no control over any of it.
The only reason that I won't say that I wish I had ended our relationship years ago is because we have a son who I wouldn't give up for anything. If our marriage doesn't work out, the silver lining is that I will have 2 children that are amazing. If our marriage doesn't work out, odds are I will not marry again. But there is not a chance in hell I will get involved in a relationship with a recovered addict/alcoholic, even if they have 10-15 years sobriety. This has been too hard to choose to live with that fear.
I know this sucks to hear. And I hated it when people told me the truth when I first got on here, before I knew what was really going on in my relationship. I told myself at least he's not lying to me. Well...he was. For 6 months at least, and he had withheld information from me 3 years ago. I told myself at least he would never steal from me. Well...he did. Took the money his grandma gave him for our sons birthday present so that his mommy could have a stove to make him a birthday cake in, and used it to pay the debt to his dealer & buy more.
This is a long scary road. You have a chance now to step back, let him make some decisions independently of you, so that you can see if HE wants to get better. Because if he doesn't- You can support him to the ends of the earth and back & it'll never be "enough"
Now, I did not follow through on my original decision to divorce & be done with this situation. I made a vow and I can't turn my back on that yet. We have children. He is not living in our house, he is staying with his mother. He is actively in recovery, 21 days sober. He isn't where I had hoped he'd be, but he hasn't really back tracked much either. He's got a chance to earn his family back. What he does with that chance is up to him, and for my kids sake I hope he can find enough self love that he can love us.

CarrieBear

thank you both

we have.a.son together almost one. we bought our house before the wedding. his mom got sick only a couple months before it was to take place, we postponed and then she.died. he started using or it became a problem when she got.sick. we didnt take the vows legally but we took them and I cant walk away right now. sick but Im happy he.got caught with dui because hes scared and maybe?? it will change things for him. hes not going to detox before the eval in couple days Impossible, i think his cousin is trying to help but hes wrong. his dad said wait and let the.doctor help seems better.choice.to me but they wont listen.

i dont want to move my son hes got no idea whats going on and hes happy.for now and was.in daycare while i work. im frustrated and confused about what the dr will say, what court will do and im not hearing good news on AA or rehab reading here. feels hopeless

i forgot.to bookmark this site and coildnt.find where.i posted, ive been looking different sites.two days.

holding on until the.dr appt and.will be.nice.but.ignore the.cousin when hes here. best i can

thanks ill read your post again sadwife, makes me scared

AnvilheadII

as a mom, you have no time or energy left to be in charge of someone's heroin detox...nor should a child be in a home where drug addicts are kicking. can't say it any plainer than that. you have a tiny little human, not even a year yet of life. he has his entire hopefully long life ahead of him and already his experience is blemished with drug addiction. cuz his daddy can't quit the dope.

SadWife7

Yep, kids make it so much scarier. My husband has some legal issues still going on from about 4 years ago now. (weed distribution) After it happened, I was glad it had because I thought it would take care of him learning consequences because he never has. Now, 4 years later it still hasn't been resolved so nothing has been learned, he's just been under stress because the situation exists. So that is a tough one-It does seem to help initially, but if they don't accept they have a problem, then it doesn't get fixed. And I had no idea 4 years ago the harm the pill abuse would do to him long term, by turning into a dependency. He did go through a rehab program at the time, but he did go into completely free from any drugs in his system, and fully believing he did not have a reason to go to rehab except to look good for the court case. and I believed it right along with him.
Good luck to you! If he doesn't really want help, it makes the situation a lot more depressing, but as a mom, it makes it easier to know that your child does come before him, and you have to take care of your son. If he does want help and makes the sincere effort, that's awesome, but it is still a long hard road.
At least your son is under a year-mines 2, and him crying for daddy when we come home/go to bed/wake up really really really sucks. I feel like I make some progress in accepting that this is a disease, he is trying, he wasn't trying to ruin our lives, his selfishness & lies were part of the disease, and then I hear our son missing his daddy and it makes me hate him (husband) for doing this to him.
I'm in a wierd mood these past couple days. Coming to terms with life as it is now, or I guess finally just adapting to it.
HA, husband told me something about how I have to live life on life's terms after i told him I never wanted to be someone who has to deal with this, and I just stared at him. Like, really? EFF that. I will live life on MY terms!! I'm not going to lay down & take what comes!! I'm going to fight to have the best life for me & my kids, and he can be taking care of himself & this disease, or he can choose not to & we'll have separate lives. I know its an AA thing though, so I didn't fight him on it. He knows i'm not going to buy it for a second for myself.

LoveMeNow

It's so ironic how I used my vows as an excuse to stay in my marriage. "I know God hates divorce, and in sickness and in health." Yet, there are so many other things that GOD wanted from me or didn't want......and I did them anyway.

After seeing a Christian therapist for over 2 years, I learned it was ok for me to leave my marriage. It was really my ego and my fear that kept me in it.

SadWife7

While attending an alanon meeting the other day, and listening to the rules and how we could not mention any other programs or treatment options, I realized I want to talk to a priest. I was raised Catholic, and have not been practicing since the second I got out of my parents house, but I still made vows that I meant. I want to talk to a priest so that I can understand how that is supposed to work. The forgiveness, and how to forgive this, and when it is okay to walk away. I feel confident that if the marriage is physically dangerous, they would agree to leave. But, does the church support remarriage? I'm not interested in remarrying, but it would still bother me if the priest says yes, you can leave this union that is not a healthy one to be in, but you have to be alone for the rest of your life because in god's eyes you are still married? I don't know. I don't think what they say will really change my plans, but I do want to know their opinion on how to forgive & move on, as well as just in general in a situation like this. I want to be able to say I gave our vows an honest effort-but if he doesn't do the same, then it isn't going to work out.

CodeJob

Hello Carriebear,

The first time my RAH detoxed I drove him to the ER. They gave him some benzos and something else to help detox at home. That got him thru the weekend and he started an IOP.

The second time he chickened out of inpatient rehab and opted for cold turkey at home. I bought him some B vitamins and Gatorade then went to work. Mr. brilliant read up on the internet on how to detox. I was a bit smarter this time and stayed out of it. He did call his PCP and got something for the anxiety for a short term on day 2...

The third time his enabler drove his butt to inpatient rehab. When RAH tried to chicken out, I told enabler to drop H off at an airport or drive him. He had 12 hours to report or he'd lose the bed. I think I scarred enabler for life that day I screeched at him. It really is a disappointment that by caring for an addict we do so much wrong it seems.

Be at peace with you. It is not your problem.

BlueChair

I think you should talk to a priest because it might help you in more ways than you realize. I don’t know why but Ive been drawn to church ever since he was first hospitalized and I sat in the little chapel alone and prayed. Im sure all religions have their own views on marriage and divorce. I feel like Im free to divorce my husband if I choose and I understand what type of questions I would have to ask myself morally if I was to consider it. If your not sure of what your faith would ask then Id find out for your own peace of mind. I haven’t seriously considered it at this point because he’s in treatment and we’re working together on the health of our marriage.Its still very much alive and kicking thankfully. Im very much at peace with my decision even though Im still in the process of healing from the terrible things Ive been through this past year.

BlueChair

Only do what YOU feel comfortable with Carrie.

CarrieBear

lots of choices but I dont feel Im doing anything against my will and I dont want to leave.him, because.i love.him and hes not a bad person or a write.off yet. our son isnt blemished i take offense to that comment and im not here for encouragement to leave him. I need to learn more and wait see what his.doctors suggest and.if he will do it.

They, him and cousin are following a plan to get ofc heroin but he swears he never took it. cousin who i dont trust swears he wouldnt ever give it to him and.hes only used ut himself once and said.never again, euphoria extreme i guess? been reading much as i can. ive seen his pills for months weve.done the detox at home before. he will snort 1/2 than later swallow the other. most time does it out of house before he.comes home at.night and then crashes into non wakable sleep. not much life. His dad thinks he.needs an outpatient program for a.few.mobths but will help with one he.woild live at away if the docfor suggests.it, he.took copy.of the insurance card and has been calling places both kinds. he says he cant miss work sure but can he sit in jail, end up dead in his car?

KeepinItReal

Carrie - it's so difficult supporting them quitting we need a whole friends and family section for this reason. We need support going through this - whstreet it is. Marriage, divorce, rehab, court, evictions, sobriety... our loved ones make chaos because of drugs.

As for your son... I have two kids. It's difficult being a mom... I have benefited and my kids have benefited when I stood back and let him handle his problems. Sadly there is little we can do to change their behavior. Look up the craft method if ur interested in changing ur behavior and I personally pick and choose what I like from all the programs. I need all the help I can get.

hopeful4

Research Celebrate Recovery, it is excellent! Good Luck and God Bless

CarrieBear

he rescheduled his appt because HE WASNT DONE DETOXING big surprise. He.set it for next week and still says he"s serious. OH his dad is mad and had a big talk with cousin told him what.a.screw up he is, and hes not helping. Hes tryin i think. Been doing hot baths, walking outside with me in fresh air, wakes up and.says he cant move too tired and weak ??? missed one day of work. we're getting on. lots good stuff to read here more than some other sites ive looked at.

L0stH0pe

carriebear.. have a look at get your loved one sober it was recommended to me by the girls here and has helped me tremendously to figure out how to save my marriage with AH maybe you find that approach more suited to you and your ABF

AnvilheadII

do you see the pattern yet? at first he was going COLD turkey, couldn't hack that, then thought he'd try to slower detox...with a scheduled eval appointment. now he isn't "done" detoxing yet and so has now postponed that eval appointment til NEXT week. he keeps moving the target, trying to do it HIS way. the longer one delays the actual recovery process, the less likely they are to actually take that leap TO recovery........

OpioPhobe

Carrie - with regard to your original question, I have experience with both oxy and heroin. If you are talking about a sniffing habit, they were both equally challenging in my opinion. I don't have any experience with an IV Oxy habit, but kicking an IV H habit was the most difficult thing I went through. Getting through a withdrawal off of any of those is an extremely difficult process. Have you noticed any track marks on his arms?

It is good that he is taking hot bathes. That helps tremendously with the bone aches / RLS. Also, walking with you is great. Any exercise that he is capable of will help the process. Being tired and weak / not being able to move upon waking were things I experienced as well. The good thing is that he is waking up so that means he is at least capable of sleeping some.

Why do you think he should cut his cousin loose? Based on your posts it seems like he is at least trying to help. Is his cousin currently using?

The situation isn't ever hopeless so long as he is alive. There are people that get off of opiates. It is extremely difficult, but it can be done. If what he is trying isn't working then maybe it is time to try something else. Getting a doctor involved as soon as possible is a good idea. If he needs to go to a detox facility to get this behind him that is a good idea too.

CarrieBear

Thank you Opiophobe for confirming it all sounds legit what im seeing feom him. The cousin, my fiance looks up to him because hes older and led a.different life. he got to grow up doing whatever he wanted and seemed like a hero because my fiance grew up in structured home, private school, rules and consequences. The cousin got him started on drugs by giving him pills to calm him when his mom was sick and it never sfopped. yes hes trying to help but he still uses and i told him to set an example clean up his life but he thinks hes great, and i cant help but have resentment. the two of them are using this guide and it seems legit, it says if one way.doesnt work try this, i think next would be substitute sub he would then have to get off of. hes done this before its staying off he hasnt done. im less angry trying to help because hes making an effort not all words. he wants.to tell the doctor hes off at theevaluation. i wish i knew what the doctor will suggest, and tomorrow im calling his attorney with some more questions.

Fandy

How is his attorney going to give you medical advice?

this all sounds very convoluted and crazy. I have never faced H addiction so I am far from an expert and although I have a lot of medical clinical experience, I won't/can't share that.

He needs real professional help not a do it yourself internet guide with his cousin WHO IS STILL USING.....this is like the blind leading the blind no? Let's do surgery at home on the kitchen table, I have the google guide.

and here you are, the monkey in the middle...why not just step back and let him succeed or not, wrapping yourself up in all his garbage sounds so stressful...you probably care more than either of them.

Have you thought about how this will affect your entire life...shackled to this baggage that comes with him.

You are on here seeking answers and support, not him and he is the addict.