Hesitant to share
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Hesitant to share
You all have been so supportive. So, I need some opinions. My RAH is in long-term rehab. He's 3 months in with at least another 9-12 months to go. He keeps telling me how he wants to quit and he just can't take it anymore. I think I have said everything I could possibly say to support him and assure him that i'm "there" for him.
However - It's hurtful to me because this program is the only thing that is giving me any hope. I have been through the cycle - clean -sober -wash too many times and addiction has ruined too many days, months and years for me. It smashed my fantasies and happily ever after into tiny little pieces. I no longer believe in happily ever after but more of - not planning - day to day - and whatever God has planned for me will be. I'm not looking at the future anymore as much as i'm just looking at day to day and how to make right now better or the best.
Yet, it's like he's trying to make me feel guilty. Saying things like i'm happier that he's not there and my life is sooo much easier without him.. blah blah blah. Now, i'm sure his mind is freaking out bc he has not had any drugs in 3 months. Yet, how should I respond to this type of manipulation. I wrote him a long letter and have decided it's none of his business how I feel at this point. That I am allowing myself to be angry at him - even though he apologized because it hurts me when he says he's quitting. For numerous reasons. Pretty much, I know that if he quits my happily ever after... will not be how "I" planned. UGh. The truth hurts... doesn't it. Well, maybe i'm just focusing on how to let go still to what I think my future should be. Let Go and Let God... not so easy for me. I guess it's easier for others.
Just venting - posting my struggles. At this point he's still in - but using many - or trying - to use manipulation to get out early and get me to agree to it. Yea - that's not going to happen.
However - It's hurtful to me because this program is the only thing that is giving me any hope. I have been through the cycle - clean -sober -wash too many times and addiction has ruined too many days, months and years for me. It smashed my fantasies and happily ever after into tiny little pieces. I no longer believe in happily ever after but more of - not planning - day to day - and whatever God has planned for me will be. I'm not looking at the future anymore as much as i'm just looking at day to day and how to make right now better or the best.
Yet, it's like he's trying to make me feel guilty. Saying things like i'm happier that he's not there and my life is sooo much easier without him.. blah blah blah. Now, i'm sure his mind is freaking out bc he has not had any drugs in 3 months. Yet, how should I respond to this type of manipulation. I wrote him a long letter and have decided it's none of his business how I feel at this point. That I am allowing myself to be angry at him - even though he apologized because it hurts me when he says he's quitting. For numerous reasons. Pretty much, I know that if he quits my happily ever after... will not be how "I" planned. UGh. The truth hurts... doesn't it. Well, maybe i'm just focusing on how to let go still to what I think my future should be. Let Go and Let God... not so easy for me. I guess it's easier for others.
Just venting - posting my struggles. At this point he's still in - but using many - or trying - to use manipulation to get out early and get me to agree to it. Yea - that's not going to happen.
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Whew! Breathe! This is very common.....and the three month marker is a common time frame.
When dealing with families at the long term rehab I volunteer for, I aways suggest that they speak to someone at the facility to discuss things like this. They are very used to dealing with it and can help you both work through it.
This is a test. They often have to try the waters. He's hoping that you'll simply say "ok come on home" and >poof< he'll be back to his life. The counselors are trained to handle this stuff....we are not. I hope you'll take the opportunity to speak with them before making a decision.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
When dealing with families at the long term rehab I volunteer for, I aways suggest that they speak to someone at the facility to discuss things like this. They are very used to dealing with it and can help you both work through it.
This is a test. They often have to try the waters. He's hoping that you'll simply say "ok come on home" and >poof< he'll be back to his life. The counselors are trained to handle this stuff....we are not. I hope you'll take the opportunity to speak with them before making a decision.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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hmmm, sounds like he went in with ulterior motives that really didn't have to do with quitting and staying quit. more like make the appearance of really trying and do so long enough to put on a good show and then come back to you and start the whole nonsense all over again.
if he stays one more day or one more year that guarantees nothing. he could leave rehab tomorrow and never ever use again another day in his life. he could stay the full year and get loaded the moment he got out. it all rests on him. and right now he doesn't sound very committed to fulfilling his role in your happily ever after.
so....it is what it is. don't LET him manipulate you. if he says he thinks he wants to quit rehab...put it back on him and tell him you are sure he will make the right decision. if he goes on about you being happier with him out of the way - sorry you feel that way. detach and deflect. and revisit your own boundaries.
if he stays one more day or one more year that guarantees nothing. he could leave rehab tomorrow and never ever use again another day in his life. he could stay the full year and get loaded the moment he got out. it all rests on him. and right now he doesn't sound very committed to fulfilling his role in your happily ever after.
so....it is what it is. don't LET him manipulate you. if he says he thinks he wants to quit rehab...put it back on him and tell him you are sure he will make the right decision. if he goes on about you being happier with him out of the way - sorry you feel that way. detach and deflect. and revisit your own boundaries.
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I needed to hear that! I know the truth hurts and it is VERY possible it's all for show! I have little real trust for him besides knowing some truths he has shown. I know he loves his addiction and he also loves his family. He had always been torn trying to love us (family and addiction) well enough to try and keep both. However, this time is different because I don't want to play anymore. I have been too hurt, disappointed and devastated to ride the roller coaster active using brings.
I did put the ball back in his court by saying "well if you choose to leave its ur choice but if I even think your using you are out - and proof will not be necessary" he got angry like a baby and then proceeded to act like a spoiled child that couldn't have candy before dinner.
As if 3 months or even 6 months is long enough punishment for his last binge. His mindset is not of someone who really cares about serious repair. I also explained that family counseling and marriage counseling is essential before he come home as I have many feelings under the rug.... Be I was holding it back or not bringing it up for peace sake over the holidays. Which he admits he used every time I thought he was in the 3 months he was home from jail before he went in. I honestly didn't think he would go.... But he did. Now he's there acting like a prisoner... Not acting that this a much needed opportunity he should be using to benefit his life... Which would benefit me and his children's life. He's being selfish and he only is making it easier for me to not fully commit to reconciliation.
I'm damaged from my own history and I need all my energy for me and our kids as I'm the only parent in this family that takes care of them. I don't have to tell you all... It's not easy!!
Then he acts like a child. I'm trying to deal and thinking deflecting and sticking to original boundaries is necessary! I'm almost thinking of telling him - your not on the new lease and until we work out major issues I have with past history - there will be no coming home.
I did put the ball back in his court by saying "well if you choose to leave its ur choice but if I even think your using you are out - and proof will not be necessary" he got angry like a baby and then proceeded to act like a spoiled child that couldn't have candy before dinner.
As if 3 months or even 6 months is long enough punishment for his last binge. His mindset is not of someone who really cares about serious repair. I also explained that family counseling and marriage counseling is essential before he come home as I have many feelings under the rug.... Be I was holding it back or not bringing it up for peace sake over the holidays. Which he admits he used every time I thought he was in the 3 months he was home from jail before he went in. I honestly didn't think he would go.... But he did. Now he's there acting like a prisoner... Not acting that this a much needed opportunity he should be using to benefit his life... Which would benefit me and his children's life. He's being selfish and he only is making it easier for me to not fully commit to reconciliation.
I'm damaged from my own history and I need all my energy for me and our kids as I'm the only parent in this family that takes care of them. I don't have to tell you all... It's not easy!!
Then he acts like a child. I'm trying to deal and thinking deflecting and sticking to original boundaries is necessary! I'm almost thinking of telling him - your not on the new lease and until we work out major issues I have with past history - there will be no coming home.
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I think it helps to try to get past thinking about what punishments or rewards the addict deserves. What do YOU want KIR? Are you happy in the relationship? Are you comfortable talking to him when he starts acting like a child? Do YOU want him to come home if he leaves rehab now? It's all about you! Hope you find some peace...
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KeepingitReal, while he is in rehab this might be a good time for you to find some support for yourself as well, counseling may help you work through some of your anger, and I know meetings helped many of us find our balance again.
Think about this, you can find healing and balance and clarity that will help you then make a decision that is right for you. You may have tools to help you work with him to repair the damage, or you may feel more confident that you would be happier apart from him.
Because they go to rehab doesn't entitle them to a free pass when they get out. You get to decide what you want and what fits in your life.
What I suggested earlier would allow you to make this decision without hurt or anger or resentment or distrust blocking your vision. Once you clear your head you may see everything differently.
But whatever you choose, just know that it is your decision to make, and not his.
Hugs
Think about this, you can find healing and balance and clarity that will help you then make a decision that is right for you. You may have tools to help you work with him to repair the damage, or you may feel more confident that you would be happier apart from him.
Because they go to rehab doesn't entitle them to a free pass when they get out. You get to decide what you want and what fits in your life.
What I suggested earlier would allow you to make this decision without hurt or anger or resentment or distrust blocking your vision. Once you clear your head you may see everything differently.
But whatever you choose, just know that it is your decision to make, and not his.
Hugs
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Jjj- he's acting like its a punishment. I feel it's a great opportunity and would like to take advantage of the marriage counseling and other counseling our family needs through the program.
I harbor resentment even though I forgive him. I am trying or thought I had forgiven him but maybe it's more like lack of trust for him. I resent that I can't trust him. That I have to fear he will steal from me and the kids.
I want an easier life. Maybe to work 40 hrs a week and not 50. Having some more free time... To do things I want to do.
I am unhappy in our relationship when he's using. When he's sober for months at a time... The arguing stops. The house is more secure financially and things are calm. When he uses he gets very hyper, selfish, lies about nothing, acts dumb and annoying... He irritates me. If he could use and not have any of the behaviors that affect me... I wouldn't care. But that's not how addiction works... It hurts everyone around it. I actually feel very comfortable talking to him and we usually have good communication but I didn't want to get angry... And I did when he brought up leaving bc to me that means, he doesn't care. It means he thinks he has it under control and everything will be fine... But it never is! He relapsed like 4 times since quitting... And his relapses last months and it's a roller coaster ride from hell.
I want him to come home. I just don't want to go through hell... Or get stolen from and this is why I told him the truth. If I think he uses... Even once, he's out! And if he leaves now I know failure or feel failure would be around the corner... Which is also fear and I need the free counseling to work through that fear and he needs to understand its real fear.
I harbor resentment even though I forgive him. I am trying or thought I had forgiven him but maybe it's more like lack of trust for him. I resent that I can't trust him. That I have to fear he will steal from me and the kids.
I want an easier life. Maybe to work 40 hrs a week and not 50. Having some more free time... To do things I want to do.
I am unhappy in our relationship when he's using. When he's sober for months at a time... The arguing stops. The house is more secure financially and things are calm. When he uses he gets very hyper, selfish, lies about nothing, acts dumb and annoying... He irritates me. If he could use and not have any of the behaviors that affect me... I wouldn't care. But that's not how addiction works... It hurts everyone around it. I actually feel very comfortable talking to him and we usually have good communication but I didn't want to get angry... And I did when he brought up leaving bc to me that means, he doesn't care. It means he thinks he has it under control and everything will be fine... But it never is! He relapsed like 4 times since quitting... And his relapses last months and it's a roller coaster ride from hell.
I want him to come home. I just don't want to go through hell... Or get stolen from and this is why I told him the truth. If I think he uses... Even once, he's out! And if he leaves now I know failure or feel failure would be around the corner... Which is also fear and I need the free counseling to work through that fear and he needs to understand its real fear.
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I can understand your fears, KIR. It does sound like they are well grounded in reality--that he has been cycling through sober/relapse for a long time. I hope maybe counseling will help you figure out whether you like the things you like about him enough to put up with the things that drive you crazy!
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Is he open at all to some kind of sober housing to transition back into life again? This way he doesn’t come home and upset the balance and he has a chance to learn some stuff for himself. If he gets out and does well then the promise will show. If he comes out and screws up, well it is better to do it in sober housing than at home where he will have some support and will be faced with the option of making the choice to go back out and live on the streets or get back into treatment.
You wrote of … that sitting on the fence. I describe it as one leg among the dewy flowers, the other knee deep in the dried up weeds. Choose life, choose death, yet they can’t make the choice wanting it both ways and I know they get they can’t have both sides and blend it neatly. I saw my husband sit on that fence far to long. I actually told him once pick a side because the fence looks like more torture than just using or not and commit. At least have the balls to say you know I am going to stay using. I would have way more respect for that honesty.
I hope he stays for him…
But no matter what he chooses you only have to figure out what you really need for you.
I will keep good thoughts.
You take good care of you!
(hugs)
You wrote of … that sitting on the fence. I describe it as one leg among the dewy flowers, the other knee deep in the dried up weeds. Choose life, choose death, yet they can’t make the choice wanting it both ways and I know they get they can’t have both sides and blend it neatly. I saw my husband sit on that fence far to long. I actually told him once pick a side because the fence looks like more torture than just using or not and commit. At least have the balls to say you know I am going to stay using. I would have way more respect for that honesty.
I hope he stays for him…
But no matter what he chooses you only have to figure out what you really need for you.
I will keep good thoughts.
You take good care of you!
(hugs)
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Inciting silence- I don't think he's open to sober living. I have asked him. His reasoning is to be with the kids.
I feel that when he starts using... He really lies to himself and believes he can keep it under control. It's insanity to keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
His program will allow him to stay - after the 12 - 14 months is over but he's already complaining how much he misses home. He's a big man-baby. I want him to stay for him. I'm afraid he is doing it to keep me to stay.... Bc we both are codependent only I recognize mine and am working on it and he's in denial. I know he's struggling not knowing what I'm doing, even though it's business as usual.
I honestly want him to get better so I can have my best friend back.... But those are my selfish reasons.
I hope he stays and stops telling me he wants to leave and I want to be able to ignore and deflect his behavior. I don't want to get upset and disappointed when he starts in. The facts are he's there.... And he is trying. I'm just untrusting he's doing it for the right reasons and I'm praying he can do it for him. Not me.
I feel that when he starts using... He really lies to himself and believes he can keep it under control. It's insanity to keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
His program will allow him to stay - after the 12 - 14 months is over but he's already complaining how much he misses home. He's a big man-baby. I want him to stay for him. I'm afraid he is doing it to keep me to stay.... Bc we both are codependent only I recognize mine and am working on it and he's in denial. I know he's struggling not knowing what I'm doing, even though it's business as usual.
I honestly want him to get better so I can have my best friend back.... But those are my selfish reasons.
I hope he stays and stops telling me he wants to leave and I want to be able to ignore and deflect his behavior. I don't want to get upset and disappointed when he starts in. The facts are he's there.... And he is trying. I'm just untrusting he's doing it for the right reasons and I'm praying he can do it for him. Not me.
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when I was messed up doing crack (my word, what WAS I thinking????), and I was in that part where you knew you needed to quit but could NOT see how that was possible - I would have done back flips if someone had swooped me up and stuck me in a rehab somewhere, done something about my job, my rent, my obligations and I could just do recovery. it sounded like a nice vacation. or a miracle.
instead I had to fight my way thru. and even today, 7 years on, I must remain vigilant every day...no, no one is sticking a loaded crack pipe in my hand at 7 am....but it's that my hand might still reach for it. if I don't have my head straight. if I don't stay grounded every day...live life on life's terms - the good that comes and the bad.....the ups and the downs...there is no longer an "escape."
your AH has the most glorious CHANCE to get this right. it's sad that right now he sees it all as a prison. the drugs are the prison.
instead I had to fight my way thru. and even today, 7 years on, I must remain vigilant every day...no, no one is sticking a loaded crack pipe in my hand at 7 am....but it's that my hand might still reach for it. if I don't have my head straight. if I don't stay grounded every day...live life on life's terms - the good that comes and the bad.....the ups and the downs...there is no longer an "escape."
your AH has the most glorious CHANCE to get this right. it's sad that right now he sees it all as a prison. the drugs are the prison.
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Oh god seeing past the now...
It would awesome wouldn't it if he just could understand that while he may miss the kids that if he doesn't give himself the best chance possible while it is right there in front of him he will be at a greater risk of not seeing them.
You know the drill, if he leaves he will show fairly fast what his truth is. With you taking care of you, you won't miss it.
Hang in there.
It would awesome wouldn't it if he just could understand that while he may miss the kids that if he doesn't give himself the best chance possible while it is right there in front of him he will be at a greater risk of not seeing them.
You know the drill, if he leaves he will show fairly fast what his truth is. With you taking care of you, you won't miss it.
Hang in there.
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(( KeepinItReal )) I thought he was excited to do this in the beginning, sounds like hes reached a weak point and has to look within and find resolve. Youve got excellent boundaries, stay strong and keep taking care of You.
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Thanks BlueChair - I think that I have been so damaged by him that it's hard for me to believe that he's doing this for any other reason but me not divorcing him.
I just hope he stays and can turn it around and do this for HIMSELF.
I did call the center and their words were somewhat comforting. They usually start family counseling at the 6 month mark after the person shows dedication to the center. However, in my husbands case he isn't seeming very dedicated. He's looking for my permission that he can quit and come home and wants me to believe that he will be sober forever. It's aggravating because I think that he's blowing a wonderful opportunity.
However - it is his choice. I just would have liked for him to get his crap together so I could some way have an easier life. Maybe easier is for wimps. Not sure.
It would help him coming home and having a second income to help me not live on govt. assistance and have to go to food pantries to feed my kids.
I honestly rather be poor, than live with addiction. The whole thing is just not easy.
I just hope he stays and can turn it around and do this for HIMSELF.
I did call the center and their words were somewhat comforting. They usually start family counseling at the 6 month mark after the person shows dedication to the center. However, in my husbands case he isn't seeming very dedicated. He's looking for my permission that he can quit and come home and wants me to believe that he will be sober forever. It's aggravating because I think that he's blowing a wonderful opportunity.
However - it is his choice. I just would have liked for him to get his crap together so I could some way have an easier life. Maybe easier is for wimps. Not sure.
It would help him coming home and having a second income to help me not live on govt. assistance and have to go to food pantries to feed my kids.
I honestly rather be poor, than live with addiction. The whole thing is just not easy.
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Yes, it's his choice. It's your choice as well to allow him to come back in the home.
I am wondering, if he comes home early, what will be easier. I am assuming that he is an addict that works a job; steps up the plate with the kids, etc? I was a bit confused....on the easier vs being on public assistance part.
I am wondering, if he comes home early, what will be easier. I am assuming that he is an addict that works a job; steps up the plate with the kids, etc? I was a bit confused....on the easier vs being on public assistance part.
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Txhelp he gets sober and works for a few months and things are easier in a financial way. I don't have to tell my kids No to everything and he looks like the hero. H H e'er Also does all the the e'er laundry and entertains the kids. It's nice being able to go the grocery store without them.
However, when he relapses and gets on his binges he stole the kids iPad and sold his car. Now I'm doing it alone again, and it's difficult. It's going to be either way. I'm just frustrated. I really need therapt and need to make time.
However, when he relapses and gets on his binges he stole the kids iPad and sold his car. Now I'm doing it alone again, and it's difficult. It's going to be either way. I'm just frustrated. I really need therapt and need to make time.
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Yes hopeful it is! I guess I just want proof or a feeling that this time will be different bc of the long term treatment. That maybe he will be in the programs 75 percent of sober people after 5 years that graduate. I'm assuming that if he leaves early it lowers his chances of long term sobriety.... It makes me disheartened that he can beat this.
Weather he finishes the program or not it lies in Gods hands. I have to remember that I don't get to choose, manipulate or change something that is not in my control. Breathing. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I have to keep giving it to God and just hope for the best. Stupid emotions
sometimes I wish I couldn't feel.... But feeling is a gift. So... It goes around and around in my brain.
Weather he finishes the program or not it lies in Gods hands. I have to remember that I don't get to choose, manipulate or change something that is not in my control. Breathing. Day by day and sometimes moment by moment I have to keep giving it to God and just hope for the best. Stupid emotions
sometimes I wish I couldn't feel.... But feeling is a gift. So... It goes around and around in my brain.
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