holdsteadfast

Hi everyone.

I've been following this forum for probably a year or so but I've never actually posted anything. I've just read stories, rather they were success, semi-failure, whatever. Today is the day that I become part of this family.

My hands are shaking and my eyes are watering up just getting the courage to post this. I am at rock bottom right now. I've lost almost [everything] to this addiction; most importantly my self. And right after that, the love of my life. Though I am confident I will have her back one day.

For the passed 3 1/2 years I've been lying to myself. I've been telling myself that I don't have an addiction, I'm ok, etc.. While the people around me have noticed me turning into this "cold" and "one track minded" person. Especially my fiancé, who now wants me to work on myself before we are ever back together. Which is fair. Because my addiction is not fair to her, our family, nothing.

I have a torn miniscus in my right knee and that's when it started. I never went in asking for the pills; I was just given them. The prescriptions flowed like wine. After awhile I noticed it started to feel better and better. So, hey, one more or two more a day couldn't hurt. Then in later 2012 I was hit by a bus in my car that displaced discs in my spine. So, more prescriptions, more prescriptions. It has gotten to the point that I take so many, even though I am somewhat clear headed, my body barely comes down from the high. And when it did, I popped another pill. I'd take a handful everywhere; even when I didn't [need] them.

When I was being seen for me knee it was 40, 10mG norco's. Started off fine, then would end up running out in 20 days, then 15, then 10. Bus accident happens and it's 7.5mG norco's, but 120. Started out 20 days, then 15, now I can run through that many in 7-8 days.

Today, I flushed them all down the toilet. At 11:50AM (2 hours away) I am going to my personal doctor to break down, admit what's going on, and get help! I am SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED. When my breakfast, lunch, and dinner come in pill form, there's a problem. A big problem. I have wasted so much time, energy, and thousands of dollars on my fixes between prescriptions that it's absurd.

And in being honest with myself; yeah my injuries are bad. But it's not something Tylenol or Aleve can't fix. A very close friend of mine who gave me some tough love yesterday told me that her and her husband (a military veteran) know people who are amputees who don't swallow as much medicine as I do. I've known her for almost a decade and she's one of the people that mentioned what a drastically different person I became.

I am 29-years-old and I do not want this life anymore. I want nothing to do with it. I've lost everything now, so that only means I have everything to gain back. Which has got to be my ray of hope. My sunshine in this darkest of times.

Thank you everyone for taking the time out to read this. TODAY starts a whole new me. And I am really glad I finally decided to sign up here!

SineadOConnor

Keep coming back. Addiction is cunning baffling and powerful isn't it? I'm starting anew AGAIN too.

holdsteadfast

Let's do it! Time to send these monsters back to hell.

holdsteadfast

There is much more to my story, but I will post it all later. I just wanted to sort of start out with some fine line details.

Chasingthedream

Hi hold steadfast, welcome and congratulations on taking the first step. I too have been looking at this site for a few years, before I finally plucked up the courage to join yesterday. you are not alone and you can do this. Good luck at the doctors, and just be honest.

holdsteadfast

I am now here at my doctors. He takes a long time [hes a talker, lol], but I am going to lay it all on the line. The only way I can beat this is if I'm honest. ONE lie is one step closer to going back to addiction. And I am not willing to do that.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the posting side of things!!

Holli

That's great that you are being honest with your doc. Happy Day 1!

Dee74

Welcome holdsteadfast

I'm glad you're seeing your Dr - let us know how it goes

D

Hevyn

Glad to meet you holdsteadfast. You sound motivated and ready to do this. It helps to be among friends who understand - we are with you.

Chasingthedream

Goood morning hold steadfast, I hope the visit at the drs went well, and that you're having a good day.

holdsteadfast

Hey everyone! Sorry I posted and "ran" of sort. But, after consulting with my doctor that day, originally he wanted to just put me on medication and taper me off. But, with myself being more motivated than ever at that point, and still now, I decided, along with his help to enter rehab.

I entered rehab and wow, it would take me all day or a verbal conversation to describe everything I went through via detox and rehab.

At about 11PM tonight I will be 8 days sober! And I realize that I am sick every day of my life and the moment I say, "I'm better" --- that's when my guard goes down and I become open to the possibility of going back. Which is something I have no interest in.

Have a great day everyone! I'll keep you all updated as I progress.

Like I wrote the first day in rehab on a huge erase board (I'm an artist, so naturally markers and a white board I drew to like a fly, lol)...

WE CAN
FIGHT TO WIN
NO MORE OF THIS!

Dee74

Glad to hear from you again holdsteadfast - 8 days is great

D

Hevyn

I'm glad you let us know the good news. That's wonderful progress. Keep it up.

holdsteadfast

Thanks everyone! I'm looking into getting a sponsor now and will be looking into getting into weekly meetings ASAP! So, I'll let you all know that progress as well. Eight days strong!

not2late

Good stuff holdsteadfast. You have been very strong. Keep up the good work.

Goldcoastgirl

Fantastic hold steadfast. What a brave move you took and it is paying off. Wishing you nothing but success, good health and some peace in your life. Keep posting!