More Negotiations
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
More Negotiations
Sorry to keep posting about my AH and I separating. I really appreciate the input and it's so nice to get so many perspectives all in one place. thanks so much 
AH wanted to talk last night and he was sober so I said ok. He has a new plan to get sober so he doesn't have to be separated from me. He wants to do 90 meetings in 90 days, continue with his therapist, do yoga with me and he promises to not bring unhealthy foods into the house (this is a big issue for me as I have a hard time maintaining healthy eating with the cupboards full of crap). He said I should sleep on it and we can talk when he gets home today.
I am going to stand firm in my decision to ask him to move out and encourage him to do the 90 in 90 and all the other things he wants.
At this point in my recovery I just can't be there for him like I used to. I NEED to stay sober and I can't be the recovery police for him.
This whole thing is tearing me up inside. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and kick. Why is this so hard? I am such a pushover and almost went back on my plan and thought "let's try one more time". But the heartache of one more time will be too much for me to handle. I hit MY bottom with his last relapse in Feb. I feel like a weak person that needs to fake strength to get through this.
I feel emotionally drained. I want to be better and have the strength to stand firm in my decision. I don't want to be swayed by one sober conversation. I may sound like I have it all together sometimes but I don't. Inside I am a scared child screaming. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home with very little physical affection from my parents. I have never had a healthy relationship in my life! I hate going through this on my own. It's so hard. I spent a lifetime of giving and loving to people who didn't deserve me and now I feel alone. I never fostered any healthy relationships. It's so hard to accept I am codependent and I set up my life for this heartache.
I feel crazy sometimes trying to muddle through my thoughts and emotions. I can't trust myself. I don't even know what manipulation and abuse looks like most of the time until I am on the tail end of it and I slap my forehead and say to myself F)$K you did it again!!
I don't really have any specific questions but thanks for letting me rant.
AH wanted to talk last night and he was sober so I said ok. He has a new plan to get sober so he doesn't have to be separated from me. He wants to do 90 meetings in 90 days, continue with his therapist, do yoga with me and he promises to not bring unhealthy foods into the house (this is a big issue for me as I have a hard time maintaining healthy eating with the cupboards full of crap). He said I should sleep on it and we can talk when he gets home today.
I am going to stand firm in my decision to ask him to move out and encourage him to do the 90 in 90 and all the other things he wants.
At this point in my recovery I just can't be there for him like I used to. I NEED to stay sober and I can't be the recovery police for him.
This whole thing is tearing me up inside. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and kick. Why is this so hard? I am such a pushover and almost went back on my plan and thought "let's try one more time". But the heartache of one more time will be too much for me to handle. I hit MY bottom with his last relapse in Feb. I feel like a weak person that needs to fake strength to get through this.
I feel emotionally drained. I want to be better and have the strength to stand firm in my decision. I don't want to be swayed by one sober conversation. I may sound like I have it all together sometimes but I don't. Inside I am a scared child screaming. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home with very little physical affection from my parents. I have never had a healthy relationship in my life! I hate going through this on my own. It's so hard. I spent a lifetime of giving and loving to people who didn't deserve me and now I feel alone. I never fostered any healthy relationships. It's so hard to accept I am codependent and I set up my life for this heartache.
I feel crazy sometimes trying to muddle through my thoughts and emotions. I can't trust myself. I don't even know what manipulation and abuse looks like most of the time until I am on the tail end of it and I slap my forehead and say to myself F)$K you did it again!!
I don't really have any specific questions but thanks for letting me rant.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
Wow Trailsky, after reading your post, I felt like I should change my screen name to "been there, done that" 
. I always feel like the stories are the same, only the characters are different.
My experience.... Promises made, 90 in 90, do this do that, need my family for support....lasted 10 days. 10 days that made me realize I can not do this again. I always thought I owed it to everyone to do everything to make it work, show my support, etc,
We all make our own choices. My experience was that I needed to take "him" out of the equation and decide what is best for ME. Once I did that, my life changed for the better.
Good luck, I'll be sending good juju your way.
. I always feel like the stories are the same, only the characters are different. My experience.... Promises made, 90 in 90, do this do that, need my family for support....lasted 10 days. 10 days that made me realize I can not do this again. I always thought I owed it to everyone to do everything to make it work, show my support, etc,
We all make our own choices. My experience was that I needed to take "him" out of the equation and decide what is best for ME. Once I did that, my life changed for the better.
Good luck, I'll be sending good juju your way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think you have to figure out what YOU want, set firm boundaries, and stick by them.
I don't know what your boundaries would be -- but you could say something like "before we even discuss continuing our relationship, I want both of us to have 18 months of sobriety under our belt." That gives you plenty of time to focus on your recovery, and see whether he is serious about his.
I don't know what your boundaries would be -- but you could say something like "before we even discuss continuing our relationship, I want both of us to have 18 months of sobriety under our belt." That gives you plenty of time to focus on your recovery, and see whether he is serious about his.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This whole thing is tearing me up inside. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and kick. Why is this so hard? I am such a pushover and almost went back on my plan and thought "let's try one more time".
If he didn't think it would work on you, he wouldn't be saying it. He knows how to keep you hooked. Scream, cry and rant away. That's what we're here for. You have wonderful awareness, because boy, that sure is a nice bunch of words he strung together- and you're STILL not falling for it.
Glad my ex lost the ability to even give me a half-decent line of BS, that made it sooo much easier to let go. If I had heard a promise like that, it would have been mighty tempting to lose my mind and ignore everything I knew about him. Though he did offer to stop drinking hard liquor and only stick to wine and beer if I stayed- what a guy!
Stay strong. You can do this!
If he didn't think it would work on you, he wouldn't be saying it. He knows how to keep you hooked. Scream, cry and rant away. That's what we're here for. You have wonderful awareness, because boy, that sure is a nice bunch of words he strung together- and you're STILL not falling for it.
Glad my ex lost the ability to even give me a half-decent line of BS, that made it sooo much easier to let go. If I had heard a promise like that, it would have been mighty tempting to lose my mind and ignore everything I knew about him. Though he did offer to stop drinking hard liquor and only stick to wine and beer if I stayed- what a guy!
Stay strong. You can do this!
Clean since 1/11/14
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
Thank you for the input. Every single response was exactly what I needed to hear.
I told AH that I have not changed my mind and I think it would be best for us to separate at this time and reevaluate in 90 days where we are at. He left and came back a few hours later drunk. He then spewed hate at me for 2 hours about how unsupportive I am, don't love him, I am destroying our marriage, etc. A flip switched in me and I lost it. I have been trying so hard to continue to stay calm around him and detach. He baited, I took it and the rest is history. Through our fight I could not believe the way he was treating me. I can't do this anymore. I am done. I want a divorce. Separation isn't an option anymore. I can never trust him again. Now that I have seen how cruel he has become I could never be intimate with him again. He got caught in a few lies last night and I can't keep sweeping this behavior under the rug.
These past few weeks have been so incredibly hard. Trying to separate on good terms and hold onto the relationship in the hopes of getting the amazing man I knew years ago. I read a few posts where people said they are not the good sober person OR the nasty drunk person. They are themselves. He has shown his true colors these past few weeks. He even proclaimed "I am awesome! I love me! I thought I was marrying someone who was ok with exactly the person I am!" Too bad I didn't chose to see it years ago.
I am going to buy boxes today. He is out. Mama bear is out now and she is not going away until he is gone!!!
Thanks for letting me rant
I told AH that I have not changed my mind and I think it would be best for us to separate at this time and reevaluate in 90 days where we are at. He left and came back a few hours later drunk. He then spewed hate at me for 2 hours about how unsupportive I am, don't love him, I am destroying our marriage, etc. A flip switched in me and I lost it. I have been trying so hard to continue to stay calm around him and detach. He baited, I took it and the rest is history. Through our fight I could not believe the way he was treating me. I can't do this anymore. I am done. I want a divorce. Separation isn't an option anymore. I can never trust him again. Now that I have seen how cruel he has become I could never be intimate with him again. He got caught in a few lies last night and I can't keep sweeping this behavior under the rug.
These past few weeks have been so incredibly hard. Trying to separate on good terms and hold onto the relationship in the hopes of getting the amazing man I knew years ago. I read a few posts where people said they are not the good sober person OR the nasty drunk person. They are themselves. He has shown his true colors these past few weeks. He even proclaimed "I am awesome! I love me! I thought I was marrying someone who was ok with exactly the person I am!" Too bad I didn't chose to see it years ago.
I am going to buy boxes today. He is out. Mama bear is out now and she is not going away until he is gone!!!
Thanks for letting me rant
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He left and came back a few hours later drunk.
I've said many times the BEST way to get a true sense of the addict/alcoholic motivation is to say NO....and then stand back. he made his "offer" using all the right words and stuff and you still said NO. and so what did HE do? went and got drunk at you. and threw a tantrum cuz he didn't get his way THIS TIME.
good for you. I know it's tough, way tough. but you are tougher!
I've said many times the BEST way to get a true sense of the addict/alcoholic motivation is to say NO....and then stand back. he made his "offer" using all the right words and stuff and you still said NO. and so what did HE do? went and got drunk at you. and threw a tantrum cuz he didn't get his way THIS TIME.
good for you. I know it's tough, way tough. but you are tougher!
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