First Timer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
First Timer
Hi. My boyfriend of 2 years is a "high functioning" alcoholic. He warned me when we started dating that his drinking becomes a problem in every relationship, but I shrugged it off. Mostly because I didn't think it would be going anywhere at the time.
Starting a year ago, it became a problem. One night in February, we were at the bar and he told me "I love you" multiple times and then screamed "she loves me" at the drive thru attendant. I didn't talk about it, because I didn't know how I felt, but in April when I knew I truly loved him, I was so excited to tell him I practically yelled it...but he said he didn't feel that way yet. Since then I've felt a wall slowly grow between us, especially when he drinks.
Fortunately for me (unluckily for him), he got a DUI a month ago. He got pulled over for a minor thing and then they realized he was drunk. I bailed him out, had a talk with him, and then because I have a lot of personal life drama to deal with, I've just kept my distance emotionally and sometimes physically. From what I can tell he stopped drinking in the morning and has been going to AA, but I'm not rushing to say he's getting better.
I love him so much when he's sober, he's amazing, but anytime he steps within 5 feet of alcohol I want to scream. And I'm so bad at confrontation guys. I was raised to be a people pleaser and make everyone like me. I've been in therapy for a while to help me become better at asserting myself/resolving conflict in a healthy way, but even with the DUI he's the one pleading with me to tell him how I feel.
I don't know what to do.
Starting a year ago, it became a problem. One night in February, we were at the bar and he told me "I love you" multiple times and then screamed "she loves me" at the drive thru attendant. I didn't talk about it, because I didn't know how I felt, but in April when I knew I truly loved him, I was so excited to tell him I practically yelled it...but he said he didn't feel that way yet. Since then I've felt a wall slowly grow between us, especially when he drinks.
Fortunately for me (unluckily for him), he got a DUI a month ago. He got pulled over for a minor thing and then they realized he was drunk. I bailed him out, had a talk with him, and then because I have a lot of personal life drama to deal with, I've just kept my distance emotionally and sometimes physically. From what I can tell he stopped drinking in the morning and has been going to AA, but I'm not rushing to say he's getting better.
I love him so much when he's sober, he's amazing, but anytime he steps within 5 feet of alcohol I want to scream. And I'm so bad at confrontation guys. I was raised to be a people pleaser and make everyone like me. I've been in therapy for a while to help me become better at asserting myself/resolving conflict in a healthy way, but even with the DUI he's the one pleading with me to tell him how I feel.
I don't know what to do.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here, though sorry for the reason.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. 'High functioning' is a stage many alcoholics go through. Please, for your sake, read through the stickies at the top of this forum. Don't look for ways to prove he's "not that bad", but to get informed of things to come. Learn as much about this disease as possible, and then keep learning.
Three important C's to know:
you didn't Cause it
you can't Control it
you can't Cure it
If I could tell you what to do, it would be run. I can't make any decisions for you though, so the best advice I can give is to find an Alanon meeting near you and make it a point to attend regularly. This isn't for him, this is for you. Whether or not you stay with him. Their drinking affects us in many ways, most of which don't show up until we start working on our own recovery. There are a lot of good people in AA and Alanon. It's not shameful at all to be there. No judgements are made and you don't need to talk if you don't want to. There are a lot of different groups, so if one doesn't fit well with you, try another. You may not think you're getting anything out of it at first, but keep going and that feeling often changes.
Alanon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
AA has both open and closed meetings. Open meeting are okay for anyone to attend if they'd like to ask questions or just listen.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information (U.S./Canada) (link for US/Canada)
Celebrate Recovery is another very good group. There may be a meeting near you that isn't listed. I live in a small town and we actually have two Celebrate Recovery groups that aren't on the locator. Group Locator
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. 'High functioning' is a stage many alcoholics go through. Please, for your sake, read through the stickies at the top of this forum. Don't look for ways to prove he's "not that bad", but to get informed of things to come. Learn as much about this disease as possible, and then keep learning.
Three important C's to know:
you didn't Cause it
you can't Control it
you can't Cure it
If I could tell you what to do, it would be run. I can't make any decisions for you though, so the best advice I can give is to find an Alanon meeting near you and make it a point to attend regularly. This isn't for him, this is for you. Whether or not you stay with him. Their drinking affects us in many ways, most of which don't show up until we start working on our own recovery. There are a lot of good people in AA and Alanon. It's not shameful at all to be there. No judgements are made and you don't need to talk if you don't want to. There are a lot of different groups, so if one doesn't fit well with you, try another. You may not think you're getting anything out of it at first, but keep going and that feeling often changes.
Alanon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
AA has both open and closed meetings. Open meeting are okay for anyone to attend if they'd like to ask questions or just listen.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information (U.S./Canada) (link for US/Canada)
Celebrate Recovery is another very good group. There may be a meeting near you that isn't listed. I live in a small town and we actually have two Celebrate Recovery groups that aren't on the locator. Group Locator
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Run. I know that seems harsh probably to just be all blunt like that...but honey, its not going to get better. You know, all of us here, ok, lots of us here, we always seem to say...he is this great guy...til he drinks, then he is a monster. Or there is a nice guy, and then when he drinks this detached zombie we don't recognize. And it feels like there are two of them. My own ex alcoholic guy used to argue with me on it, saying nope, he was just one guy, when I felt there were two in there. He was right, and hell, the monster side was a side I could not live with. At this point, I am not sure there really aren't two in there with him, but anyway I digress.
I cannot tell you what to do, I don't want to tell you what to do. Even though I said run, really only you know if or when you are ready to do that. In my personal tragic horrible, devastating experience, it escalated. I expect that it is or will escalate with yours. Plenty of people told me it would escalate and hey they were right. I didn't listen to them at the time because I was blindly in love. Oh my god how I wish I had listened. I wish I had those years back, that wasted time. Yes, I love him, I loved him so much, but he is toxic, its so damaging to me to be with him. All that time, the entire 3 and a half years, the whole thing was a rollercoaster, and in that time I damn nearly lost myself, lost time with my kids...I spent it fighting his addiction, dealing with his chaos instead of focusing on them...and they ONLY GET THE ONE CHILDHOOD, that is three years of their childhoods I was focusing on someone else ( I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT), lost all this precious time that I spent on him, his mess, his chaos. They say tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but today, in my opinion, after the horrible devastating, heart wrenching things I have been through I say to hell with that. I would have rather not ever loved him or known him, because having to walk away from him after three and a half years, having to let go because being with him is futile misery. Yep give me the crayon lobotomy. I want to erase it all out of my head and heart. I fear that should you keep going down this path things will start to just fall apart and you will be hurt in myriad ways.
You only get one life. One chance to live. You have this awesome, beautiful gift in that YOU are the only one who can tell you how to live that one life. If your gut is telling you that something isn't right, LISTEN TO IT. There is a strange thing that happens with us families of alcoholics, its like their extreme behaviors slowly begin to be normal behavior for us...and we lower our standards over and over. What he does today, in another year, might seem tame. Of course, I might be wrong, he might get help, get sober, and end up just fine. Doesn't seem likely, but of course it is a possibility. The one thing I am trying to say to you is that honey, if you are unhappy, if the drinking is a problem, then let him go. Run, move on. If it is a problem now, its probably going to be a bigger problem down the line, til it is ruling your life. Picture your life with him in 5 years, or ten, or thirty. With shared kids, properties, grandkids, in laws, etc. You could just walk away now, and avoid a lifetime of heartache. If it seems to you that the drinking will continue and escalate, and that is how it seems to me, since he obviously has a problem and obviously you have a problem with his problem, just let go. Watch Hammer's video on letting people go. Its posted here somewhere. I wish someone had showed it to me a couple years ago. Or hell, way back before I married my first husband. Sheesh. There are so many men out there... thousands of them. You could have your pick, I am sure. You deserve someone that isn't so wrapped up in the bottle. You deserve to not have to be uncomfortable, or worried about his drinking. You deserve better than this, no matter how great he is when he is not drunk. Thing is...until he is free from his addiction, if that ever happens, you will never get the real him, the whole him. Its not possible. Save yourself a lot, I mean A LOT of pain and heartache. Just run. He asked how you feel...so tell him. The booze is a deal breaker. Period. Stay safe, stay strong, and don't forget...its not about him, its about YOU.
I cannot tell you what to do, I don't want to tell you what to do. Even though I said run, really only you know if or when you are ready to do that. In my personal tragic horrible, devastating experience, it escalated. I expect that it is or will escalate with yours. Plenty of people told me it would escalate and hey they were right. I didn't listen to them at the time because I was blindly in love. Oh my god how I wish I had listened. I wish I had those years back, that wasted time. Yes, I love him, I loved him so much, but he is toxic, its so damaging to me to be with him. All that time, the entire 3 and a half years, the whole thing was a rollercoaster, and in that time I damn nearly lost myself, lost time with my kids...I spent it fighting his addiction, dealing with his chaos instead of focusing on them...and they ONLY GET THE ONE CHILDHOOD, that is three years of their childhoods I was focusing on someone else ( I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT), lost all this precious time that I spent on him, his mess, his chaos. They say tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but today, in my opinion, after the horrible devastating, heart wrenching things I have been through I say to hell with that. I would have rather not ever loved him or known him, because having to walk away from him after three and a half years, having to let go because being with him is futile misery. Yep give me the crayon lobotomy. I want to erase it all out of my head and heart. I fear that should you keep going down this path things will start to just fall apart and you will be hurt in myriad ways.
You only get one life. One chance to live. You have this awesome, beautiful gift in that YOU are the only one who can tell you how to live that one life. If your gut is telling you that something isn't right, LISTEN TO IT. There is a strange thing that happens with us families of alcoholics, its like their extreme behaviors slowly begin to be normal behavior for us...and we lower our standards over and over. What he does today, in another year, might seem tame. Of course, I might be wrong, he might get help, get sober, and end up just fine. Doesn't seem likely, but of course it is a possibility. The one thing I am trying to say to you is that honey, if you are unhappy, if the drinking is a problem, then let him go. Run, move on. If it is a problem now, its probably going to be a bigger problem down the line, til it is ruling your life. Picture your life with him in 5 years, or ten, or thirty. With shared kids, properties, grandkids, in laws, etc. You could just walk away now, and avoid a lifetime of heartache. If it seems to you that the drinking will continue and escalate, and that is how it seems to me, since he obviously has a problem and obviously you have a problem with his problem, just let go. Watch Hammer's video on letting people go. Its posted here somewhere. I wish someone had showed it to me a couple years ago. Or hell, way back before I married my first husband. Sheesh. There are so many men out there... thousands of them. You could have your pick, I am sure. You deserve someone that isn't so wrapped up in the bottle. You deserve to not have to be uncomfortable, or worried about his drinking. You deserve better than this, no matter how great he is when he is not drunk. Thing is...until he is free from his addiction, if that ever happens, you will never get the real him, the whole him. Its not possible. Save yourself a lot, I mean A LOT of pain and heartache. Just run. He asked how you feel...so tell him. The booze is a deal breaker. Period. Stay safe, stay strong, and don't forget...its not about him, its about YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh you sound SO much like me!
So -- I have this one guy friend who met this really hot chick who told him she was a lesbian. He set out to prove her wrong. Yes, he wanted to "convert" a lesbian. Turned out she was really bisexual and knew he had a lot of money and and and... well, they got married. And the marriage was really only based on him strutting around telling his guy friends that he was such a stud he could even convert a lesbian to heterosexuality.
Without all other comparisons, I think what you and I do when we meet a guy who says "drinking has ruined all of my relationships" is something similar. We want to show that we can love them so much that their drinking doesn't matter. Because if we can do that, we feel good about ourselves. Because we've shown them that THEY are so fabulous and WE are so big-hearted that WE WILL TOLERATE AND PUT UP WITH ANYTHING and we will just continue loving them. I mean, Mother Theresa has NOTHING on me, seriously!
Like you, I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was raised to figure out what people need before they are aware of it themselves. Come to think of it, I should really have become one of those old-time British butlers! You said you're bad at confrontation -- but what you're talking about is not really confrontation, it's just telling your ABF what you need out of a relationship.
Like Ofelie said -- we've all seen that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. He's SUCH a nice guy -- until he's not. But like someone here told me -- it's a package deal. You get BOTH.
When you're raised to be a caretaker, like we are, you feel guilty for putting yourself first. But really, you have every right to put yourself first. If you look ahead, at what you want from life (forget him for a second) -- what do you want? To move to Maui? Get a Ph.D. in Physics? Start a small business making soap? Have 10 kids and homeschool? What I tell my kids is figure out what you want first. And then go for that dream. People who support and are assets in your pursuit of your dream are people to keep around. People who are like a millstone around your neck or who whine about Maui being too hot and you should want to move to Canada instead? They have no place in your life.
At the end of the day, your life is about what YOU want. People like you and I need to decide that we are going to be the STAR in our own movie, not extras in somebody else's.
So -- I have this one guy friend who met this really hot chick who told him she was a lesbian. He set out to prove her wrong. Yes, he wanted to "convert" a lesbian. Turned out she was really bisexual and knew he had a lot of money and and and... well, they got married. And the marriage was really only based on him strutting around telling his guy friends that he was such a stud he could even convert a lesbian to heterosexuality.
Without all other comparisons, I think what you and I do when we meet a guy who says "drinking has ruined all of my relationships" is something similar. We want to show that we can love them so much that their drinking doesn't matter. Because if we can do that, we feel good about ourselves. Because we've shown them that THEY are so fabulous and WE are so big-hearted that WE WILL TOLERATE AND PUT UP WITH ANYTHING and we will just continue loving them. I mean, Mother Theresa has NOTHING on me, seriously!
Like you, I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was raised to figure out what people need before they are aware of it themselves. Come to think of it, I should really have become one of those old-time British butlers! You said you're bad at confrontation -- but what you're talking about is not really confrontation, it's just telling your ABF what you need out of a relationship.
Like Ofelie said -- we've all seen that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. He's SUCH a nice guy -- until he's not. But like someone here told me -- it's a package deal. You get BOTH.
When you're raised to be a caretaker, like we are, you feel guilty for putting yourself first. But really, you have every right to put yourself first. If you look ahead, at what you want from life (forget him for a second) -- what do you want? To move to Maui? Get a Ph.D. in Physics? Start a small business making soap? Have 10 kids and homeschool? What I tell my kids is figure out what you want first. And then go for that dream. People who support and are assets in your pursuit of your dream are people to keep around. People who are like a millstone around your neck or who whine about Maui being too hot and you should want to move to Canada instead? They have no place in your life.
At the end of the day, your life is about what YOU want. People like you and I need to decide that we are going to be the STAR in our own movie, not extras in somebody else's.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
Thanks for the welcome! It was hard to read some of this, but mostly because I feel like I was reading what's really going on in my head.
I realized last night when going through the website how co-dependent I am, but I kinda already knew that. Or at least knew that I couldn't help build a healthy life partnership when I'm not able to talk about what I need from the relationship. Luckily I've stood my ground when it comes to moving in with him. I'm a solid no, for many reasons, but mostly because of his drinking. I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. I don't want that for my future children or the rest of my life.
I'm also scared. There are so many other changes going on in my life that I'm scared of changing something else, you know? I know letting him go is probably the healthiest thing I can do for myself, but I don't know if I can.
I realized last night when going through the website how co-dependent I am, but I kinda already knew that. Or at least knew that I couldn't help build a healthy life partnership when I'm not able to talk about what I need from the relationship. Luckily I've stood my ground when it comes to moving in with him. I'm a solid no, for many reasons, but mostly because of his drinking. I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. I don't want that for my future children or the rest of my life.
I'm also scared. There are so many other changes going on in my life that I'm scared of changing something else, you know? I know letting him go is probably the healthiest thing I can do for myself, but I don't know if I can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
There isn't one response above to your post that I can disagree with. You have to think of yourself on this one and what is best and healthiest for you and your future. This doesn't just go away. I've been married to an A for 20+ years and have 4 children. It only gets worse and more complicated as time goes by. Please..don't be afraid to take care of yourself here and now. At least he was upfront with you when he told you it has been a problem in his relationships. Seems like he was giving you a way out at that time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
It would be very wise to take some time and read through the posts and stickies on this site. Read about other people's experiences, read about what things they are learning in therapy and in Al Anon, what they have been through. It really helps so very much. There are so many people from so many walks of life here and they are all full of love. Ultimately you have to put it all together and do what works for your life and your situation. You are rght, its a hard thing to accept such truths about yourself and your guy, your situation. But...that is the first step to conquering it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
There are so many other changes going on in my life that I'm scared of changing something else, you know?
I've worked a lot in therapy on "reframing" -- thinking about things differently. Like putting a new mat and frame on a painting can make the painting look different.
Last year, a lot of things were changing in my life. And I was terrified. I was moving across the country. I was leaving my home state. I was leaving my job. My parents were both ailing. My oldest was moving out. Everything was changing. I knew it needed to happen but I was just very negative about the move. My therapist told me "you're looking at the rear end of the elephant when you could walk around and look at its wise old eyes and that amazing trunk and those big floppy ears!"
So she had me stop my thinking, and every time I thought "I can't do this. It's too scary." replace that with "This is so exciting! A new state! New opportunities!" and then add something tangible like "Maybe I should get a new haircut to go with all the changes?" or "Maybe I should find a whole new career?" (I did that -- still have the same ole haircut though
)She said part of our brain isn't really that bright, and it will believe what we tell it if we say it enough times. So if you tell your brain change is good, eventually, your brain will tell YOU that.
It's one of those instances when I think "fake it till you make it" actually works.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
Welcome! and glad you opened up to share your story 
It's only been three weeks since I left my AH, not even separated but just left the house and haven't been back, trying to get myself together... so I don't gave the wisdom the others have on here because I was like you (my situation was just more severe because I stayed in the insanity for five years) only four weeks ago. Coming here is a HUGE step because you at least recognize the problem.
As the others have stated, my honest advice is to leave! Don't waste any more years, money or heartbreak on an active alcoholic. Sweetie, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse... for YOU! For him, it'll get better because he's got a great caretaker and enabler who he found to bail him out, wipe up his crap (and I literally had to do that... ugh!), nurse him back to health, and blame when you start to complain. You think it won't happen to you, but it's like boiling a crab, they start you off in cold water so you think your having nice swim and then they crank up the heat on you slowly until your baking in hell and can't even comprehend how it happened!
You two don't live together, have no kids... back away slowly and see his actions for what they are and how they figure into your life. You'll make your own decisions in your own time. No one can tell you or force you, but it's a sucky life to get involved with and it will never be one that anyone envies. When you have doubts or start to question, come back here... everyone here is truly awesome and soo supportive.
**{hugs}}
It's only been three weeks since I left my AH, not even separated but just left the house and haven't been back, trying to get myself together... so I don't gave the wisdom the others have on here because I was like you (my situation was just more severe because I stayed in the insanity for five years) only four weeks ago. Coming here is a HUGE step because you at least recognize the problem.
As the others have stated, my honest advice is to leave! Don't waste any more years, money or heartbreak on an active alcoholic. Sweetie, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse... for YOU! For him, it'll get better because he's got a great caretaker and enabler who he found to bail him out, wipe up his crap (and I literally had to do that... ugh!), nurse him back to health, and blame when you start to complain. You think it won't happen to you, but it's like boiling a crab, they start you off in cold water so you think your having nice swim and then they crank up the heat on you slowly until your baking in hell and can't even comprehend how it happened!
You two don't live together, have no kids... back away slowly and see his actions for what they are and how they figure into your life. You'll make your own decisions in your own time. No one can tell you or force you, but it's a sucky life to get involved with and it will never be one that anyone envies. When you have doubts or start to question, come back here... everyone here is truly awesome and soo supportive.
**{hugs}}
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
I guess I also feel like an idiot. I know I can do better than him, it's why I'm embarrassed to be with him in public and why I haven't told my parents that he's an alcoholic. But while I know the best thing I can do is walk away, I don't think I'm ready to yet. I wish I was ready. I wish I could tear the roots out of this relationship and walk away right this second. But the words aren't ready to leave my mouth yet.
I'm angry that when I'm with him my anxieties quiet down and things are great, until I'm away and suddenly I can't stop questioning why I'm with him. He has become a best friend. Maybe it's because it's my first real relationship and I don't know how to cope with a broken heart.
Thank you for your comments. I feel less alone.
I'm angry that when I'm with him my anxieties quiet down and things are great, until I'm away and suddenly I can't stop questioning why I'm with him. He has become a best friend. Maybe it's because it's my first real relationship and I don't know how to cope with a broken heart.
Thank you for your comments. I feel less alone.
Sober date 5/1/13
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 3,547
Hi idledreamer, welcome to SR.
This strikes me as pure manipulation. At a stroke he has the moral high ground. He has warned you of the problem and forced you to feel bad if you look after you.
Originally Posted by idledreamer 
He warned me when we started dating that his drinking becomes a problem in every relationship,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by idledreamer
I'm angry that when I'm with him my anxieties quiet down and things are great, until I'm away and suddenly I can't stop questioning why I'm with him. He has become a best friend. Maybe it's because it's my first real relationship and I don't know how to cope with a broken heart.
Thank you for your comments. I feel less alone.
I postponed the inevitable break up for months. I lurked here on SR, then joined right before I separated from him, so I would have a place to come and read, late at night, or when I was tempted to call him and go running back. I haven't seen him in over 8 months, and I am back on solid footing finally.
Heart break hurts, for real, and if and when you are ready to pull the plug, make sure you are surrounded by as much loving support as you can drum up. Make lots of plans, stay busy - spend time with fun friends, schedule your favorite activities - shopping, hiking, beach, movies - whatever is distracting. Make no mistake, you will feel pain. But pain won't kill you, I promise. Let yourself cry, give yourself the space and time to heal, and you will heal.
Welcome home. (hugs)
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