wildchild69

Hi I'm new to this group. This passed weekend I had another black out/really drunk night where I woke up w major regrets.... I'm giving alcohol up completed cause if it's in my life I'll always run the risk of waking up we regrets. So t get me wrong... I've been a horrible drinker in the past but In the last several months I've been very good with it. However, I realize if it's there it doesn't matter how long it's been, there will always be a shameful night. Does anyone else have drinking build ups like u have 1 drink, then 2 the next night, then 5...etc...?

Dee74

Hi Wildchild

I think most of us can identify with our addiction progressing upward.

The good news is if you never want to wake up like you did after last weekend you never have to.

You'll find a ton of support here

D

Ghostlight1

I drank every way possible and it never got me any where except drunk.
I never did, though, have the build ups of which you write. I drank to get drunk. I never drank in moderation so I couldn't have one or two.

But, welcome to this site. You'll find a lot of support here. And congratulations on your decision to quit.

Best to you.

Treerat66

Hi Wildchild, Welcome to SR
It always controlled me, not the other way around.

Chasingthedream

Hey Wild child. I joined yesterday too. I have a problem with cocaine, but the groundhog day experience you talk about has been my life for the past 8 years or so too. From reading a lot of posts on here, I don't think it seems to matter what your DOC is, the progression and experiences seem to be shared amongst us all. I hope you have a good day today!

wildchild69

Thanks for the support. I'm still in a whirlwind of guilt/emotions from the heavy drinking I did over a couple of days. I can't wait for it all to go away. Anyone struggle with excessive guilt after drinking?

wildchild69

Dream... I too had a cocaine addiction several years ago. Finding out I was pregnant I quit cold turkey, but I know urvstruggle

Chasingthedream

I stopped using during both my pregnancies and whilst bf, but I stupidly went back. That's my biggest regret. Do you ever get cravings now? Or is it just alcohol?

ontherightpath

I had build ups the exact same way,and all it did is get where I didn't want to go. Even when I drank little without consequence, my mind raced and I put myself into a panic attack. I uses to drink with regret daily. Wake up in a fog daily. Then I joined aa and went to the extreme. Recently the pendulum has been swinging both ways. Today I am sober and if I do today what I did yesterday, then I have a real good chance at staying sober today. It's not the last drink that puts me over the edge, it's the first. Best wishes

Chasingthedream

I have a destructive cycle which repeats itself every 2 or so weeks; Take coke (usually in secret), then spend the next few days unable to function normally, eating junk and watching tv unable to move from the sofa, and feeling horribly guilty about who I have become, then start to feel better only to repeat the whole process. It's like jekyll and Hyde- I am the model mother and wife when I'm clean, and the exact opposite when I use. So I totally understand your guilt. Somehow you have to hold onto that feeling when the weekend comes round again.

Dee74

I would say most of us do wildchild. I know I did because I *knew* I could better with my life.

That's pretty similar to what life was like for me as a drinker. It seems like an endless loop, but reaching out her will help you find ways to break the cycle and find the clean sober you, Chasingthedream.

D

Chasingthedream

Hi Dee74, thank you for your words of support. Do you remember life like that as if it was a dream, or does it still seem real to you? I have been struck recently by a couple of high profile deaths, notably PSH, and it frightens and upsets me in equal measure that someone who was clean for over 20 years, can relapse like that. But maybe that knowledge is what keeps you on your toes, keeps you coming back here and going to meetings, and that that is the key to success? Never thinking you have beaten the addiction? Would love to hear your thought on that.

KateL

Welcome Wildchild xxxx

wildchild69

Welcome KateL!
Dream...I too fear that relapse that seems inevitable. I think for most of us this has been a vicious cycle. I know it has for me. I can't even tell you how many times I woke up feeling awful about what may or may not have happened the night before and I always swore I would never let myself get that drunk again. I would hardly drink for weeks or even months and then there would be that night again...where I let alcohol take control. That's why I've decided it has to go altogether. I already feel so guilty for everything stupid I've done while drunk and I don't wanna wait for something REALLY bad to happen. I suppose it goes back to the classic we can't live thinking "what if".... what if I f*** up 10 or 20 years down the line. We have to take each day as it comes and live for the future...

LBrain

wildthing, child,
12 years ago I completed a year of sobriety. I wanted to quit for a year just to prove I could quit. And for a while I was a normal drinker. Then after about a month of normal drinking I started to drink more. I'm not sure exactly when it happened. But because of shear luck (divine intervention if you must) I was able to get by for 12 years without any problems - minus a dui about 5 yrs ago. But that didn't count! (?) Then out of the blue - or whenever - I was up to a case of beer a day on weekends plus a good 1/3 bottle of 'V'. Or else I took turns on bourbon and vodka in between beers. The thing about it was I didn't even realize it. It was nothing to wake up on a day off from work and head straight to the bottle I had hidden downstairs. I figured why wait till noon. It was always five o'clock somewhere. There were times when I didn't drink. It was not a decision to not drink, circumstances dictated I did not drink. But if there was nothing getting in my way. It was drink till you pass out and start all over again.

Dee74

Sometimes my drinking days feel like it was someone else and other times it feels like yesterday.

I think acceptance is key tho.

I accept that I am an alcoholic and I am an addict, and that will never change.

As long as I believe that I'm ok. The minute I forget it I'm in trouble.

I'm not scared of relapse tho

I've changed a lot in 7 years from the drinking pot smoking guy I was - I've built my life around being sober and it's a life I love - I've faced good and bad events and stayed sober - I have a lot of support, and I know I can call on it if I ever find I'm in trouble.

I feel happy and secure. I don;t want to escape my reality - even for a minute

Does that make sense?

D

wildchild69

Mr. Brain,
Thanks for the input. That sounds pretty intense. How long have you been sober now? By 12 years without a problem, do you mean no drinking or drinking with no problems?

I'm going to take a short vacation in two weeks...first one in a long time without alcohol!

SoberLeigh

Welcome, wildchild, to SR; you will find much support here. Glad that you found us.

Chasingthedream

That makes perfect sense to me Dee, thank you for sharing.I am so glad for you that you feel secure in your sobriety and that truly gives me hope.

The silly thing is- I have lots of moments like that, where I love my happy, healthy life, and I keep it up for weeks on end. But then that voice creeps in, slowly at first, giving me time to adjust to the thought of using, and then once the real urge comes I'm ready again. I read in a book that relapse often happens over a few months- from the initial thought, to the inevitable action.

I do feel differently this time however. I am fed up with not being the person I want to be, or living the life I want to live. I find it helps to think of myself as the child I once was, watching the things I do. Did I ever imagine at 7 that I would wind up a cocaine addict and what would I feel about it, and it makes me feel very sad. That helps to keep me on track.

Dee74

Well my addiction nearly killed me.
I just knew I couldn't listen to that voice anymore...it lies.

D