Trying Not to Fall Into a Pit of Despair
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
Trying Not to Fall Into a Pit of Despair
so, I had heard that while I was on short-term disability and FMLA (related to drinking and mental-health issues) a coworker that works within my small 5 person team made comments such as "well, we wouldn't have to do Nicole's work if she weren't out drinking". and other things of that nature. It hurt...we work for a large corporation that does not (or so I thought) tolerate that type of behavior.
since then, she ignores me--blatantly. I try..or used to. I would say hello. almost never got anything back.
I wouldn't care so much but we are supposed to work as a team.
Today we had a group meeting with my manager. while waiting for him, I left to use the restroom. someone asked if we were in the right room (I was told this by a true friend and coworker). they looked at my agenda which was old (the info was the same so I didn't reprint). She said outloud to 3 of my coworkers "well, Nicole is always wrong anyhow. She never gets anything right"
I have good reviews, get on well with management and others. what do I do about this???
Isn't this defamation of character? It all started after i took short-term disability and FMLA.
since then, she ignores me--blatantly. I try..or used to. I would say hello. almost never got anything back.
I wouldn't care so much but we are supposed to work as a team.
Today we had a group meeting with my manager. while waiting for him, I left to use the restroom. someone asked if we were in the right room (I was told this by a true friend and coworker). they looked at my agenda which was old (the info was the same so I didn't reprint). She said outloud to 3 of my coworkers "well, Nicole is always wrong anyhow. She never gets anything right"
I have good reviews, get on well with management and others. what do I do about this???
Isn't this defamation of character? It all started after i took short-term disability and FMLA.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Nicole, I've had people be envious of me because I got to use the disabled bathroom at work and I had permission to use the special lift rather than climb the stairs.
I don't know what you do about that kind of jealousy except be glad you're not like them.
It's their own ridiculous problem - if people could really spend a day in my life I figure they wouldn't be jealous anymore lol.
D
I don't know what you do about that kind of jealousy except be glad you're not like them.
It's their own ridiculous problem - if people could really spend a day in my life I figure they wouldn't be jealous anymore lol.
D
Phoenix Rising Again
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 3,079
I'm sorry that your coworkers are giving you a hard time.
I went through this myself when I was on FMLA for having a nervous breakdown of sorts and I was off of work for three months. Some people feel resentful because they think they had to "pick up the slack." They have no idea why I was out of work and if they did, it wasn't their business. When I came back, it bothered me to the point my anxiety skyrocketed because I was given the cold shoulder. After a little while, I gave up caring what others thought. I came in and did my job and as long as my supervisor was happy, that's what I cared about. There are some people who are just bitter and nasty and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't control what others think so do your best to let it go.
Concentrate on you and if it is something that bothers you, you may want to talk to your HR or supervisor about it.
I went through this myself when I was on FMLA for having a nervous breakdown of sorts and I was off of work for three months. Some people feel resentful because they think they had to "pick up the slack." They have no idea why I was out of work and if they did, it wasn't their business. When I came back, it bothered me to the point my anxiety skyrocketed because I was given the cold shoulder. After a little while, I gave up caring what others thought. I came in and did my job and as long as my supervisor was happy, that's what I cared about. There are some people who are just bitter and nasty and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't control what others think so do your best to let it go.
Concentrate on you and if it is something that bothers you, you may want to talk to your HR or supervisor about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Ojai, CA
Posts: 137
So, let me get this straight, you are falling into a "pit of despair" because you have a mouthy coworker, who has resentments against you because as she sees it you got a paid vacation because of drinking....? This is her problem, not yours...why would you give so much control over your own feelings to someone else? We can't control what people think or say, sounds like she is kindof making a fool of her self. Let her mouth off while you continue to do your best..actions will always speak louder than words. Again, while it is hard, please don't let some loud mouth control YOUR feelings, it hurts, but it should not be a Pit of Despair.... All the best....remember, this is just another by product of our drinking lives which don't always leave the most positive stuff in our wake...and her rudeness of course. Once we are sober for awhile, this stuff goes away as well, but there will always be rude people around...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by Low 
So, let me get this straight, you are falling into a "pit of despair" because you have a mouthy coworker, who has resentments against you because as she sees it you got a paid vacation because of drinking....? This is her problem, not yours...why would you give so much control over your own feelings to someone else? We can't control what people think or say, sounds like she is kindof making a fool of her self. Let her mouth off while you continue to do your best..actions will always speak louder than words. Again, while it is hard, please don't let some loud mouth control YOUR feelings, it hurts, but it should not be a Pit of Despair.... All the best....remember, this is just another by product of our drinking lives which don't always leave the most positive stuff in our wake...and her rudeness of course. Once we are sober for awhile, this stuff goes away as well, but there will always be rude people around...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I have rarely respected a coworker who felt it appropriate to badmouth another coworker. When someone feels like it is ok to trash someone else people might not speak up but secretly most people think "what would she say about me if I left the room?". Apart from the fact that it is not professional, it also displays insecurity and a need to seek the upper hand…
Let her actions and words speak for her, let your actions and words speak for you. You are doing a very admirable and courageous thing by getting sober. It might take some time to really see the benefits, but be patient. I know of 2 guys I used to work with who got sober, they are now regarded with an enormous amount of respect because most people understand that it takes a lot to come out on the other side.
Let her actions and words speak for her, let your actions and words speak for you. You are doing a very admirable and courageous thing by getting sober. It might take some time to really see the benefits, but be patient. I know of 2 guys I used to work with who got sober, they are now regarded with an enormous amount of respect because most people understand that it takes a lot to come out on the other side.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
so, I met with my manager who sen me to HR today to discuss the situation in greater detail with our HR rep. She got all the information and basically told me that it is going to be dealt with, I will have to meet with the offending coworker after HR speaks to her. I was told to be prepared because "it may get worse before it gets better". awesome.
I'm glad to get it out there and to deal with it, but it won't be easy. She is hard/disrespectful to others also...or alternatively she is their very best friend in the world.
the worst part is it isn;t even about my drinking - it is much, much bigger than that. She has been a rude, non-team player (in a small team) for 3 years. I could not take it any longer. She is the very definition of a bully. And I am glad I am standing up for myself.
She has a reputation of being "controlling" and a "micromanager" (though she isn't even a manager). But she bakes people muffins and somehow turns dozens and dozens of people her way. again, your best friend or your worst enemy.
I just want to go to work and if i say hello, have my presence at least be acknowledged. and to not be the subject of derogatory remarks.
If it DOES get worse, she will be written up formally I was told. and given cutbacks, etc in the company, she is only hurting herself with her behavior.
ugh.
Everything else in my life is now going well. I just want this to be over and resume working in a normal environment. If that doesn't happen, I will seek other employment.
Bullies suck.
I'm glad to get it out there and to deal with it, but it won't be easy. She is hard/disrespectful to others also...or alternatively she is their very best friend in the world.
the worst part is it isn;t even about my drinking - it is much, much bigger than that. She has been a rude, non-team player (in a small team) for 3 years. I could not take it any longer. She is the very definition of a bully. And I am glad I am standing up for myself.
She has a reputation of being "controlling" and a "micromanager" (though she isn't even a manager). But she bakes people muffins and somehow turns dozens and dozens of people her way. again, your best friend or your worst enemy.
I just want to go to work and if i say hello, have my presence at least be acknowledged. and to not be the subject of derogatory remarks.
If it DOES get worse, she will be written up formally I was told. and given cutbacks, etc in the company, she is only hurting herself with her behavior.
ugh.
Everything else in my life is now going well. I just want this to be over and resume working in a normal environment. If that doesn't happen, I will seek other employment.
Bullies suck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Santa Barbara, SoCal
Posts: 561
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
In my opinion, if you push a bully back (figuratively. I don't mean punch the bully in the face, even if you want to and they deserve it) usually they back off.
There's always one bad apple in the crowd. They gotta ruin it for everyone else.
In my opinion, if you push a bully back (figuratively. I don't mean punch the bully in the face, even if you want to and they deserve it) usually they back off.
There's always one bad apple in the crowd. They gotta ruin it for everyone else.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 373
Hi Nichole, if you have missed a significant amount of work and your colleagues have picked up the slack for months, you may need to earn back their trust. The passive-aggressive behavior (or it sounds like it may be more hostile-aggressive behavior!!!) stinks, though. Hang in there, it's bound to get better. Smart move to get HR involved IMO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 500
Thank you for posting this Nicole. I have been dealing with a similar situation that has been getting me down even though I know it's ridiculous to bother with what other's do and say. And Low thank you for that response. It's so good that you did something about it. These behaviours in the work place need to be addressed. I hope she gets the message.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Good luck Nicole! Unfortunately these people are everywhere!!! I worked for years with a tough crew in a demanding industry. Thankfully it gave me thick skin. I am currently in a completely different part time position with a lot of chatter. I just informed everyone that you can talk about me all you want, but PLEaSE at least make it interesting!!! Haha! I think I fell off the topic list after that!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Nicole, I think we have all met your co worker at work, under different names. For me there is a saying that helps a lot. I love sayings, just saying. 
"What other people think of me is none of my business." I just love that. A bad team player will not last forever. I hope you don't let her get you down.
"What other people think of me is none of my business." I just love that. A bad team player will not last forever. I hope you don't let her get you down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
so, I have been sporadically posting the past few weeks. My living situation (being shunned effectively from my family), the coworker situation...now as of last night the guy I was dating and i are no longer. He was verbally and emotionally abusive (we were only dating a month - friends for a few). The way I handled it (sitting there and taking it and almost begging it to work) then being asked to leave in the middle of the night, hit me hard. I did nothing at all to deserve being treated the way I was. (I know when i am wrong, and it certainly did not apply there).
Those feelings of hating myself and being overwhelmed (moving, job HR stress, my family not being there for me even though I am doing well sobriety-wise, and now a horrific emotional breakup) is giving me suicidal thoughts.
I cannot stop crying. I has an awful week last week and this guy ended it in a way I never saw coming.
I do not want to be here any longer.
I have attempted suicide 2 times in the past...but survived. I wish that I had not.
I am trying to get up and going and to pack and all. I hate myself. I hate what I have done with my life. I hate that I miss the friends I drove away.
If I go to the ER, it will wind up costing me money that I don't have. If they save me, then I have even more repercussions to deal with. I am worn down.
It isn't a question of drinking. It is a question of do I even want to be here at all. and sadly, I do not.
I am such a mess, I had a crying breakdown in from of the property manager of the apartment that I am leaving. She sat down with me and gave me a hug,
This is what it has come to.
I know i need help. I was doing fairly well handling all the changes and challenges. But I thought he was there for me and instead he verbally beat me down.
please help me.I know only I can change anything though..and i had been. but I feel utterly broken.
Those feelings of hating myself and being overwhelmed (moving, job HR stress, my family not being there for me even though I am doing well sobriety-wise, and now a horrific emotional breakup) is giving me suicidal thoughts.
I cannot stop crying. I has an awful week last week and this guy ended it in a way I never saw coming.
I do not want to be here any longer.
I have attempted suicide 2 times in the past...but survived. I wish that I had not.
I am trying to get up and going and to pack and all. I hate myself. I hate what I have done with my life. I hate that I miss the friends I drove away.
If I go to the ER, it will wind up costing me money that I don't have. If they save me, then I have even more repercussions to deal with. I am worn down.
It isn't a question of drinking. It is a question of do I even want to be here at all. and sadly, I do not.
I am such a mess, I had a crying breakdown in from of the property manager of the apartment that I am leaving. She sat down with me and gave me a hug,
This is what it has come to.
I know i need help. I was doing fairly well handling all the changes and challenges. But I thought he was there for me and instead he verbally beat me down.
please help me.I know only I can change anything though..and i had been. but I feel utterly broken.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Nicole, I am sorry that you have had all these things at one time. Perhaps one at a time, you might see where it is for the best... your co worker needs a comeupance, and the boy friend is not a true friend. two who needed to be kicked to the curb by you.
please, have a good cry, dust yourself off, and move forward in your life of recovery. please, if you are suicidal, call a hotline, just so you can get help. You have been through a lot, and could use a good support right now.
things will get better. they will. I guess it looks bleak right now, but those people do not have the right to make you not want to live. YOU are special, precious, and one of a kind. don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
boyfriends rejection stinks, I know. nothing like that to hurt a girl, but its not worth dying over. no way. there are others who can and will love you. and until you love yourself, they cannot .
where are you now. and where are you going to be staying? do you have a therapist? if so, call him/her. hugs
chicory
please, have a good cry, dust yourself off, and move forward in your life of recovery. please, if you are suicidal, call a hotline, just so you can get help. You have been through a lot, and could use a good support right now.
things will get better. they will. I guess it looks bleak right now, but those people do not have the right to make you not want to live. YOU are special, precious, and one of a kind. don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
boyfriends rejection stinks, I know. nothing like that to hurt a girl, but its not worth dying over. no way. there are others who can and will love you. and until you love yourself, they cannot .
where are you now. and where are you going to be staying? do you have a therapist? if so, call him/her. hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Nicole, hang on!!!!! If you need medical attention, get it!!!! Hospitals will let you pay slowly. I went through this with a loved one and we sought
Medical attention and things are getting BeTTeR! Don't lose HOPe!
Medical attention and things are getting BeTTeR! Don't lose HOPe!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Nicole I know I've given this link to you before: please do read and maybe call a numer or two?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
None of whats happened to you is a judgement on you as a person - you're good kind and decent and and I'm glad you're out of an abusive relationship. That can only be for your good.
Don't make lifetime decisions on the way you feel today. Things can and do get better
My twenties were not a fun time for me but I'm glad I made it through to see my thirties and forties. I'm looking forward to my fifties now.
Everyone here is rooting for you. You're not alone
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
None of whats happened to you is a judgement on you as a person - you're good kind and decent and and I'm glad you're out of an abusive relationship. That can only be for your good.
Don't make lifetime decisions on the way you feel today. Things can and do get better
My twenties were not a fun time for me but I'm glad I made it through to see my thirties and forties. I'm looking forward to my fifties now.
Everyone here is rooting for you. You're not alone
D
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