Catherine628

I feel stuck right now. I have SO much rage over the affair. I usually don't remember my dreams but lately I do and they are filled with anger and violence. I wake up a little scared of myself.

Some background: Left AH in June, moved across the country. The 6 months before I left were crazy. Discovered the affair, tried all kinds of crazy, controlling stuff to get H to rehab. Put up with things I never would now. At one point AH moved out but he kept popping back in. Legal advise was don't change locks since AH is on and pays for mortgage.

I go to al anon, do yoga/exercise, journal, joined a church. Basically try to work hard on my recovery. Recently had to put therapy on hold due to insurance. My T felt I was making good progress, I don't.

I'm so, so, SO angry at the woman my AH had an affair with. I've been angry at AH too but have yelled/talked to him, heard his remorse/apologies. I feel some closure there.

But the other woman. Different story. I wish I had punched her when I had the chance. Here's something that's probably going to sound stupid: I feel she took advantage of AH. He had a great job, flashy car, huge house. Nevermind that he drank/passed out daily. She would give him numbers for divorce attorneys, tell him he would be better once they started their new life, slip love notes where I would find them. I don't know much about her but I do know her own marriage broke up bc both parties cheated and my AH is not the 1st married man she pursued. She also used to give my AH pills.

can't imagine ever forgiving this person but I feel this anger poisons me. My T tried to explain that this horrible woman is not healthy herself. T's take is she has affairs to feel powerful and holds it over the wife.

I think this anger is especially strong now bc I'm considering moving back. Long story but it has to do with my career/state licensing requirements. I'm making about 20,000 less per year here. And I really miss TX. I know its a big state but if I would run into her I might end up on death row.

Thanks to anyone who read this. Little longer than I meant it to be.

lillamy

I think every person who's ever been cheated on has had that feeling -- the part about being angry at The Other Person.

Here's the thing, though: WHY are you angry at HER?
She never stood in front of a judge/pastor/priest/rabbi and promised to be faithful to you until death. She never chose you as the person to love and cherish in sickness and in health. She's irrelevant and I can't help but think that in focusing your anger on HER, you're letting your AH off the hook. (If you can't tell, I've recently had this conversation with a good friend...)

Forget her.
Forget WHY she did what she did, what she gets out of it. She's irrelevant. She's not important to your life.

Your AH is the one you have a relationship with. Your AH is the one you need to make decisions about -- whether you want him in your life or not. I think that's where I would focus my energy. Not even on HIM, but on YOU -- what do YOU want out of your life, and does he fit into those plans after what he has done to you?

Catherine628

True, true. I have been angry with him and yelled, etc at him. I think eventually more anger toward him will surface.

I've always believed in karma but I'm not feeling patient right now

lillamy

Someone sent me a card (while I was in the worst part of my divorce) with the words: "The Karma Bus may not always run on your time schedule, but it never misses a stop..."

Mellybug

I dealt with infidelity in my past relationship as well, and went OFF on both of them. After telling HIM off I called her up (she was a "friend" of mine, haha) and said, "Look, I just got done talking to X and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him: F*** you both. You want him? You can have him...I hope you enjoy the ride more than I did."

She tried talking to me but I hung up on her. It felt SO good...and then I just let it go. I knew her for what she was and told my X what I saw coming. The next thing you know he calls me all upset...turns out she had been sleeping with one of his employees, and her exbf, and one of his friends, and one of her other friends... I told him I don't feel sorry for him ONE LITTLE BIT, and he may want to go to the doctor to have his "dangly bits" tested if she was that promiscuous... I think he wanted sympathy - so I told him that if that's what he's looking for he can look for it in the dictionary, it's between "Sh*t" and "Syphillus". (go look for yourself...it really is!)

Oh, and he wasn't an A...just a jerk.

marie1960

I agree, the anger will poison you.

It will eat you up and devour you if you allow it.

You have bigger fish to fry, time to work on healing yourself.

lillamy is correct, forget about the other woman.

You deserve better.

Peace

atalose

Try not to give her all this power over you. It really is his fault that he allowed this to happen.

Recently on one of the threads here, it was posted that one of the questions asked when entering rehab is:

Do you seek out less quality partners when drunk/high?

She is less then you, she doesn't respect herself like you do.

This was not her first "rodeo" and certainly won't be her last.

Try and wrap your mind around thanking her for taking away your garbage!!!

Catherine628

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better. Don't know why it feels like this was done to hurt me. Its less about me and more about them.

Rosiepetal

I sympathise Catherine.
My best friend ran off with my husband & now lives in the house I had to sell because I couldn't afford to buy XH out.
This was all after her marriage broke up & I put her up in my house & fed & cared for her kids. Grrr.
Now they are going for custody of the children I've had in my care for the past 7 years.
I remember the anger & the bad dreams I had for 2 years solid.
I am still having a few now but think that is relative to the pending custody court case.
I'm not sure what to advise but would just like you to know that it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do.
I have read quite a few books that state that anger is part of the healing process. I also know it is part of the grief process.
One of these books was the following:
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing By Susan Anderson
Hang in there.
One day at a time.
Hugs.

formyboys

I moved 3500 miles away from XAH so I would not end up in jail...so I understand your anger but I agree with the others....I never gave her the satisfaction of being a blip on my radar, I was furious at HIM. He walked away from 3 great kids and a life that may not have been perfect but it certainly was not broken beyond repair, and for some no morals haven low life....HE did that ..not her.

I hear you Catherine....Im so sorry that you have had to go through this

Catherine628

Ugh how can people be so broken that they run around causing so much pain. They should all be exiled somewhere.

HealingWillCome

I understand what you're feeling toward her. In my experience, it was easier to forgive xah for cheating because I cared about him, and I knew there was a good person in there who felt remorse for what he had done to his family.

With his new girlfriend, on the other hand, the anger and the unforgiveness were in my heart for a long, long time. I didn’t know her, didn’t care about her, and she was easy to hate. She looked me in the eye not long after I discovered their cheating and told me she had done nothing wrong. To this day, I think she still believes it. It was very hard to forgive someone who made conscious decisions to break up my family and then show no remorse.

I was able to let go of my pain and anger when I started living life for myself again. It took time and a lot of it, but I got my self-confidence back. I quit thinking about them and started thinking about myself. What happened next was I started to see what xah had really left his family for…a young girl half his age who doted on him, stroked his ego and his d**k on command, is submissive and deeply insecure, and who eventually cheated on him with his best friend. Oh, and she landed herself in a nice color photo and news story that went viral on radio talk shows after a DUI trial. It made for snarky news because she had offered herself to the cop in exchange for no DUI charges.

Karma happened. Like lillamy suggested, the Karma Bus was on its own schedule, but it definitely made several stops.

Here’s what I hope you’ll remind yourself of daily…the other woman in your situation is a hurtful person. Hurtful people are selfish people. Selfish people are not happy people. She has nothing over you except what you allow and right now she has control over your emotional well-being. What she and your AH did is wrong to the core. They will suffer from their actions at some time in some way at some time. The best you can do for yourself right now is not watch for the Karma Bus. Find ways to chase thoughts of them out of your head. If you want to live in Texas, go for it. It’s your life. Be happy. Take care of yourself. Choose happy fun ways to spend your days. Take back your power.

I understand your pain. It was the most painful hell I have ever experienced, but things do get better. Sorry you're hurting...I sincerely hope that you will start to let go sooner than later. You deserve it.

Catherine628

Yes to all the above, especially the part about no remorse. Some days I don't even think about it, other days I can't forget.

LifeRecovery

Catherine-

For me the alcohol in the marriage was harder than the affair to move past.

On the other hand after four years out from the affair I am just finding ALL the anger and resentment in my life that I have not felt in my 37 years so don't go by my time frame.

There is an author by the name of Janis Abrahm Springs who writer about affairs, but also has a book called How Can I Forgive You And the Freedom Not Too. It helped me SO much in healing from the affair and it gave me a freedom that I did not have before. It helped me to see the feeling was not the problem, my actions (and self-destruction around it was).

Also it helped me to see that I tried to often push my feelings down and "get over them." Six months is not a very long time in this process. Actually six months was when I started to get the angriest (and that is common from what I have read about affairs).

I guess I just want to normalize your feelings for you. I think where you are at is common, for me it was part of the grieving process.

AnvilheadII

I feel she took advantage of AH. He had a great job, flashy car, huge house. Nevermind that he drank/passed out daily. She would give him numbers for divorce attorneys, tell him he would be better once they started their new life, slip love notes where I would find them. I don't know much about her but I do know her own marriage broke up bc both parties cheated and my AH is not the 1st married man she pursued. She also used to give my AH pills.

he was hardly the helpless VICTIM here! if he wasn't interested, it wouldn't have happened. how do you know he didn't prey upon her??? what lies he told her about his rotten life, his horrid wife, the misery of it all. maybe he was already looking for a way out. maybe that wasn't the first affair.

you can stay angry, or you can just be done with both of them...mentally, emotionally. affairs happen. sadly they do. people have different levels of investment in a relationship....different sets of ethics....different situations and circumstances. she may be a super needy codependent willing to go to any lengths to find a new fix. she may have some deep seeded trauma. inability to commit. i doubt hurting YOU was the driving force here.....

Catherine628

LifeRecovery thanks for your post. I know someday I will do some reading on affairs, just not today.

And Anvil intellectually I know I should have far more anger with him than I do. I get frustrated with myself. I've had lots more anger toward him over the drinking than the affair. Yet the affair was why I left ultimately.

MesaMan

'[S]He who controls your anger controls you' ~ Old Proverb

Booo

I know you don't want to read much right now but I promise you, the betrayed wives club, online and a book called .after the affair are what have saved my life,
My rah is 98 or so days sober. And shockingly we are surviving the affair. It's HARD as hell some days, but it takes a ton if time to work through it, don't push your feelings down or away, that only prolongs the pain. I am so sorry. I know the anguish.