Lost and Confused

Old 03-31-2014, 12:06 PM
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Lost and Confused

I'm new to the forum and have been reading posts over the past few days. I have been with my ABF for 10 months. he has struggled with alcohol and drugs for years. He has gone through periods of years of being sober, but he then slips and starts drinking again. Over the course of our relationship, I have noticed him slowly getting worse. Most of the drinking was hidden from me since we only are able to see each other twice a week. He has promised to get sober, not at my request, but from his own. I agreed and told him he has my support. That lasted a week. Over the past few months he has been hospitalized for a seizure,he has Type 1 diabetes, which I witnessed, broken ribs, broke his toilet from falling, and a three day hospital stay from not watching his insulin levels. Last week he was arrested for a DUI and he had his young daughter in the car. Since then he has been distant and "overwhelmed".

I have not heard from him for 3 days. I have been in communication with a friend of his who says he is "doing a lot of thinking". ABF and I have talked many times about blending our families together and hoped to do so in the near future, so not communicating is not like us. This is why I am so sad I have not heard from him. I don't know if he is drinking or depressed and I feel so helpless.

Do I continue to reach out or wait for him to contact me. Am I wrong to think he could get sober? I see what he like when he is not drinking and I love that person. This is killing me.
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Old 03-31-2014, 12:31 PM
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Hi Starbright;
Welcome to SR

It sounds like he isn't done drinking from what you've said.
As a former alcoholic myself, I can tell you that only he can choose recovery
no matter how much you love him.

I would certainly not advise blending families (especially if you have children already) and formalizing life with an active addict.

I would wait to hear back and think long and hard about this--sounds like he's going down and not up at the moment--nothing you can do will stop that--it must come from him.

Wishing you the very best in a difficult situation
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Old 03-31-2014, 12:32 PM
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Hi Starbright and welcome. This is a really tough spot to be in. We have all been there. It is heartbreaking to love an addict. Excuse me if my post seems very blunt but I wish I had this forum 4 years ago when I started a relationship with an alcoholic. I wish I got this advice.

Run away and don't look back!!! This relationship is so new. He has a DUI with a child in the car and he is an addict. If I were you I would end the relationship immediately and go to Al anon to start working the program. Do some soul searching about why you want to be with this person. You may identify as a codependent. Maybe do some reading on this. Stick around here and read the forum.

He will not change unless he wants to. There is nothing you can do to get him to stop.

Put yourself and your child(ren) first. You deserve better.
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Old 03-31-2014, 12:38 PM
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Hi and welcome!

I would guess that getting a DUI with his daughter in the car has led to quite a few problems for him. For one thing, if I were that child's biological mother, I would request full custody immediately. I bet he's overwhelmed.

Are you wrong to think he could get sober? No, you're not wrong. You are, however, optimistic. Recovery rates for alcoholics are pretty low, even for people who go through rehab and follow-up care.

You talk about "blending your families." If you have children, I would encourage you to read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-yourself.html

And then ask yourself -- is that a situation you want to put your children into?

I had children with an alcoholic. They did not have a good childhood. They all fit different part of the descriptions in that thread. And it is not a situation I would ever knowingly put a child into.

What you do with your own life is your own business. But if you have children, you have an obligation to educate yourself about alcoholism and what the consequences are for children who grow up with an alcoholic. And I would suggest you have an obligation to keep them as far from that situation as possible. But I've been there and seen the fallout, paid the therapy bills, the inpatient bills, called 911 for teens cutting themselves, had kids on suicide watch.
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Old 03-31-2014, 01:06 PM
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10 months is a short period of time, you really don’t even know him – the sober him. It sounds like he’s been drinking the entire 10 months and heading downward.

Aside from his drinking, which sounds like he’s not ready to stop any time soon. The bigger worry is why would you after only knowing someone 10 months, and knowing he’s an alcoholic who can’t ever seem to stop and stay stopped – would you think of still blending your families together? And in the near future, knowing his drinking has been going downhill why would even entertain that notion?

Don’t mean to sound harsh but he’s clearly not making you a priority in his life, so it sounds like you are far more into this relationship then he ever was.

Just because an alcoholic has not consumed an alcoholic beverage in a day or so doesn’t mean they are sober. An alcoholics brains is so saturated with alcohol there really are no sober days until they have not been drinking for months and months and their mind clears.

I would not call him, I don't make anyone a priority who's only made me an option.
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Old 03-31-2014, 01:09 PM
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Hi, Lost, and welcome to SR. There is a lot of hard-earned wisdom here, and it sounds like you've availed yourself of some of it already by reading the posts. Good for you for reaching out for information and support; you're going to need both, I suspect.

You speak of your A as if he is 2 different people, one when he's drunk and a different one when he's sober, and you're not alone in thinking that way; many of us did. There are 2 things to know about with regards to this: First, it really is all one guy, and he is who he is. Second, as time goes on and the disease progresses (and it will, it's the nature of things), the sober times will become fewer and farther between, until eventually alcoholism and addiction has consumed the man you used to know. It's sad and hard to hear, but it is the truth.

I think the suggestion for Alanon for you is a good one. I'd also recommend that you keep on reading the posts here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful info there, and knowledge about alcoholism will help you make decisions in the future.

Yes, A's can enter recovery, but as others said, not until they are ready, and your guy does NOT sound like he's ready....why take a front-row seat to the disasters and heartache when there is nothing you can do for him? It would be wiser to take care of yourself and your kid(s) for now.

You've gotten some solid advice here, and I hope you can let it sink in. Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 03-31-2014, 01:15 PM
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IMHO, Even in the most normal of circumstance, 10 months of dating is rather soon to be talking about blending families.

I think you may have been granted a gift here, you are getting a sneak preview of what life is like with an active alcoholic. I would take this time and educate myself about this horrible disease.

As an adult you are free to choose, but your children do not have a choice, and they certainly to not deserve to live in an addicted household,

We are here to share our experiences, feel free to ask all the questions you need, best to have all the facts before making such a huge commitment.
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Old 03-31-2014, 02:01 PM
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Thank you all for your advice. I know in my heart I need to end this relationship. I was listening to his words and ignoring his actions. I have a quality of finding good in everyone sometimes to my detriment.
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Old 03-31-2014, 02:04 PM
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I have a quality of finding good in everyone sometimes to my detriment.
Well, you've come to the right place. A lot of us -- if not most of us -- are like that. And you know, there's nothing wrong with finding good in people. The issue is when we, like you say, do it to our own detriment. I know I've done that. Not just with the alcoholic I married, but also with friends, relatives, coworkers, bosses...

I sometimes wonder if we spend too much time teaching our kids how to be polite and helpful, and too little on guarding their own integrity? I know I didn't learn how to deal with emotions until I was in Al-Anon. Until then, I thought emotions signalled what I needed to do -- if I felt guilty about saying no to someone, I thought it was because it was wrong of me to say no. It's taken me a long time to figure out that feelings are just feelings, and I can't base my decisions on them.
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Old 03-31-2014, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Starbright4 View Post
Thank you all for your advice. I know in my heart I need to end this relationship. I was listening to his words and ignoring his actions. I have a quality of finding good in everyone sometimes to my detriment.
Starbright, you are so right to find good in everyone, b/c it is indeed there! But sometimes it's simply not enough to stick around for...the abuse, denial and lies just outweigh any possible good.

You are wise to learn to watch his actions rather than listen to his words. That is really key in figuring out what is for real and what is not.

Hang around--there is a lot of support and caring here.
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Old 03-31-2014, 02:18 PM
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I think we can always find good in people. It's when the bad takes center stage and the good only shows up sometimes is when we need to pay close attention to that red flag waving and back off with caution.
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