LightInside

So...
A little background if you don't know my story: My A partner of 7 years broke up with me in July, 2013 so he could "find himself" and "become the person he was meant to become." Our son was 14 months old at that time.

A week ago on Sunday DS said he wanted to " send Daddy a message, " so he sent a txt and called X. X seems to think that when I honor their relationship and my son's requests for communication that I'm somehow giving a reward and that my attempts to keep my son safe (by asking for supervised visits from the courts) are some sort of punishment to X for my heartbreak. After the texting and call between father & son, X stats sending me pictures from their visits. Later, I texted that I would "Fixx" DS's haircut (The Fixx is a band that I love). I didn't feel like correcting the auto correct and let the typo go. X replied, "Fixx. You're still you." I was pretty affected by that message. Him being so narcissistic, I really was feeling like he didn't see me at all anymore for who I am/was. Part of my grief has involved reconciling that within me, getting back to me and the fun person I was before my spirit got so crushed and meshing that with my newish identity as a mother. I felt relief when i I first read that text and then anger. I had all kinds of retorts running through my mind, but I just have no reply and went on. I thought about it A LOT though.

Monday night I took DS out with me for awhile to my friend's DJ night and met a Nice Guy there.

Thursday afternoon I ask X if Sunday is a good day for me to get my mountains of crap moved out of the garage. He responded later that night saying that he'd decided to work OT on his visitation day Sunday). He didn't know for how long.

Hung out again with Nice Guy on Saturday night while my mom babysat - not a date, just running into each other at a show (maybe intentionally?). Getting out like this has been a rarity for me since DS was born. Maybe I gave Nice Guy a couple/few smooches when we each went home for the night.

So yesterday at 9:30 am, he sends msg that he is now off work and his dad is there to "supervise" [Yep. That's the temp arrangement (rolling eyes).] I was busy at that time getting my storage space lease filled out. An hour later he texts to say that his dad has flipped out and threatened our A/moocher friend who had apparently spent the night there. Says he made his dad leave. My team and I decide to work on stuff at my apt while I figure out whether to go to garage and when. Meanwhile my sis works out an arrangement where she and my other sis will babysit this week. Granddad had been babysitting and I really didn't like that arrangement. Now I am completely unwilling to have him as babysitter. Later X sends msg that his dad is back and could I bring DS over? !!! I say that I don't know when Granddad will flip again and I'm sorry but not coming over today. Later I talk to Granddad and he's saying he was just "putting on an act" earlier to try to get those guys to change. !!!!!! He tells me that he thinks I'm wrong and making a mistake to keep my son away from their volatile environment over there. It's very clear now where my X gets a lot of his character defects. I already knew his dad basically taught him to lie and disrespect women. Now I see the anger and manipulation too. I am now convinced that his dad either has NPD, is an active A, or is a dry drunk (maybe 2 of the above).

Crazy part (on my end) is that I have all this conviction on what to do until I talk to those guys. Then I start to question myself. Amazingly , no real fallout from X. Instead he "understands" my request that he come up with alternative to his dad for supervision.

Later he asks me to give DS big hug and kiss from him. I do and I make a big deal out of it, because DS didn't get his visit today. I tell X this and later he texts back, "I love the two of you."

Oh jeez.

You know how I'm treating this? My relationship with X is a miles-long beach. I'm walking along and miles and miles of this beach are littered with tsunami debris: garbage, old refrigerators, rusty cans. I look down and see a very pretty piece of pink sea glass. I pick it up and put it in my pocket. I feel good knowing I have that pretty sea glass there, but I'm still lookin' at all this junk for miles.

As far as Nice Guy goes. I'd like to see him again and be very slow and careful and looking to see if he really is Nice.

Sheesh!

LightInside

Also, good to know that X has not only moved in BFF/drinking buddy who is messier than me (my Messiness was great piece of criticism from X), but he's also still having Moocher spend the night. Good to know that his claims that being single would get him sober are holding up. 'Cause you know hanging out with those same friends on the same playground is irrelevant to getting sober. [Rolling eyes]

AnvilheadII

hmmm, it sounds as if you still give WHAT he says a LOT of weight and meaning. and that in turn still has some power over you.

it does appear that given the living arrangements at his place that continuing to have someone supervise is a good idea. but grandpap ain't it. that is for HIM to figure out.

do you guys have a regular visitation schedule? day of the week and set hours? that can be really helpful. try not to use visitation as a "convenient" time for you....such as hey, can you watch/visit with the kiddo while i run here and there? that keeps you both a bit more entangled in each other's lives than it might appear. he also needs to demonstrate the ability to make those regularly scheduled visitations a PRIORITY...not something you can blow off for work or bowling or a friend who needs help moving.

he's shown you who he is. try you best to accept that and let go of any expectations that he is going to TRANSFORM into SuperAwesomeSoberDude who makes sound grown up decisions and fills his life with healthy balanced people.

Mango blast

You're not dealing with a rational person. You're dealing with someone thinking with an alcoholic brain.

Just because you used to communicate by text, doesn't mean you need to continue.
Maybe email could create a little more separation between you and A while keeping things documented.

Your son can draw on paper and make cards for his dad. He could send them off when it's convenient or a certain day of the week, and when he's older he can add an occasional photo. It could be a way for your son to express himself and keep a connection without expectations. Maybe ask A to set up a voicemail (like through google voice) where your son can dial the number, hear his voice and leave a message for his dad.

Even if he could text on his own, it's okay to not allow him to use your phone that way. Especially with an A who isn't in recovery in his life. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. Even if there seems to be improvement, without treatment it always gets worse. And actually, even taking away the alcohol and getting treatment can lead to quite a road trip on the way to recovery, too!

How are you doing with YOU? Are you working through things enough within you that you feel ready for another relationship? So glad you've met someone nice. Here's to taking it slow.

Mango blast

btw - It's not your responsibility to exchange emotions or sentiments between your son and his dad. You don't need to take care of this for them. Let those sweet hugs and kisses that mommy is giving him be just from you.

If A asks you to give DS a hug and kiss, tell A he can call him or give him that hug and kiss when he sees him. Nothing mean about that, just reality. Let his dad create the relationship. If he doesn't visit, don't make a big deal of it. Let your son see that sometimes plans change. If he's disappointed, that's okay -- move on to something else. Read a book together or have him help you scrub the kitchen floor -- yeah, weird, but it can be fun with kids! We use non-toxic cleaners like vinegar water or regular soap, sit down on the floor together and play more than getting serious about the cleaning. It's a bit of both. It gets my kids minds off other things and mine too.

LightInside

Thank you all. <3 Anvilhead, I DO still give a LOT of weight and meaning to X's opinion of me. I think it baffles my therapist. I still talk about HIM more than myself in my sessions. This is what progress looks like for me. I'm another one of those codies whose therapist was our couples therapist, but the non-A kept going. There are so many of us here! I'm getting better, but I definitely depend on the wrong people for my personal validation.

Sundays are always visitation days, almost always at the same time, and we always pre-arrange if we deviate the time by an hour or two. X chose to be noncommittal and you can bet that I'll be documenting and reporting that kind of thing to the courts. He had been doing every other Friday too, but started doing community service and OT back in Oct. He didn't try to make up for that time or go back to the old schedule when community service was done and I let that be. I don't take responsibility for him coordinating that, but I also make DS as available as possible.

I'm gradually accepting the likelihood that IF I ever see X sober and working a program, he is still probably going to be royally screwed up for at least 5 years, maybe forever. Look at his crazy dad (in his 80's).

Keepingthefaith, I have definitely thought of switching to email only, but I guess I've been afraid of X's reaction to that or something. It never occurred to me that I don't have to be responsible for that affectionate/emotional type of communication between father & son. They really promote giving each parent and the child ways to keep in touch in the mandatory class I had to take through the courts.

As far as dating goes, I'm definitely not ready for a relationship, but I'd like to do some lighthearted dating. I am working on Serenity, building self esteem, and healing my heartbreak. I'm working on building a new normal, making new friends, and learning new hobbies (new playground). Well, I'm kind of working on the social/personal fun stuff. I'm also now working on finding REAL childcare, organizing my mess from a 3 bedroom house down to a 1 bedroom apt., and the court/custody BS.

LightInside

P.S. I didn't get DS psyched for the visit this week because I knew ahead of time that X was working that day, so no harm done to him. He's too little to know just by the day of the week or anything.

P.P.S. Had therapy tonight & this was one of the first visits since moving that I did not need any tissue. My eyes teared up couple/few times, but no big deal. I was able to tell my T two good things that happened this week (and all the drama too), plus I talked about my unexplored interest in permaculture.

Mango blast

You are doing so great!




If you want to switch to email and are still afraid of his reaction, that's a good thing to work through here or with your therapist so you're prepared to deal with it.