Mustang1968

Morning.
I'm new to the forum and I've been reading posts for several weeks. And they really help.
Last night when I came home from my Alanon meeting I was greeted with the AH blasting me for going to my meeting. Then the question came, "When will you be cured?" "You've been going for 4 months. How long does it take?" I started meeting when my AS went to rehab in October. But I've come to realize I have 2 alcoholics, the AH is a dry drunk and a binge drinker. He refuses to believe that my AS has a disease or that he himself has it too. According to AH its all a choice and that I caused it by being a "over controlling mother". I am frustrated and angry. I lost my temper, exploded and ranted and raved. I don't even remember much of what I said, I do remember telling him I'd be cured as soon as his brothers decided to get rid of their diabetes. Everything I'm learning at Alanon went out the window. So I talked with my sponsor last night and that really helped. I read a lot last night and this morning I am doing better. I just needed to vent. I need to "Let Go and Let God"
Thanks for listening. M

FireSprite

I think you got it pretty right Mustang - I've come to realize recovery isn't something with a beginning & an end, it isn't definable by those types of definitions or boundaries.

I think Mike once pointed out to me that from his Buddhist perspective, it isn't an "activity" that you do so much a choice you make to walk a certain path in life. In that way of thinking, it's something that stays with us forever & becomes part of our personal moral code. So yeah, I think I'll be in recovery for a lifetime, all the while going through more & less active times with it.

It sounds like you have a bit of an uphill battle with your AH if he is in denial about the disease to that degree & hasn't come to any awarenesses about himself & his own drinking. Your recovery is probably a very big threat to him right now, hang in there!

honeypig

Mustang, so glad you're finding help in Alanon. It might actually be a good sign that your AH is expressing displeasure w/you attending meetings. I've seen it posted here more than a few times that when the A sees you starting to get yourself together, it makes him feel angry and threatened. His situation is changing around him--b/c YOU are changing and getting healthier!--and that means things won't be as easy for him any more. You won't be so simple to manipulate. You won't be a doormat. You won't be drawn into crazy arguments.

So keep on going to those meetings, and keep on reading and posting here. You're doing your own recovery, regardless of what your AH is doing, and you will be healthier and happier, no matter what else does or doesn't happen.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

m1k3

Think about what you are learning in recovery. On the surface it's about how to deal with the issues of having some sort of relationship with an alcoholic.

But deep down it is some very good lessons on how to live skillfully.

For me I learned and am continuing to learn:

Patience.

Letting go of things I have no control over. (Pretty much everything and everyone )

To look realistically at my own behaviors, good and bad, and make adjustments when necessary.

To take responsibility for my thoughts and actions. No more blame switching which I was good at.

To slow down and let things happen at their own pace.

Learning how to choose, to respond rather than react. I can choose how I want to respond rather than simply run on auto pilot and react. Emotions aren't facts, just because I think it doesn't make it true.

To live more in the now. The past and future aren't real.

I have learned to accept me as I am. Doesn't mean I can't change but it does mean I can let go of guilt and shame. I did the best I could with what i had and will continue to do the best I can with what I have.

All in all, seems like a reasonable lifestyle to me.

Your friend,

Mike

itsmylifenow

This is SO true!! My xabf had a major hissy fit because I had told him I went to an AL-Anon meeting. Actually, furious is a closer description. He ranted and raved for weeks on end...I was threatening what he knew. If I got myself better then he wouldn't have anyone to mess with anymore. It wasn't long after that we finally split. And, I remember his comment to me - he punched the steering wheel and screamed that now he was going to have to start all over. Meaning, he had me where he wanted me - it was going to take a while to manipulate someone all over again and get them trained like he had me.

SeriousKarma

I don't know. It might have gone out the window, but it sounds like you left the window open and it flew right back in. This is hard. You we're provoked and you lost your cool. I wish I could say I'd never done that (this week), or that I'll never do that again. Like I said, this is hard, but look at all of the things that you're doing right. You have a lot to be proud of.