Some More Progress
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Some More Progress
Well, my plans are starting to formulate, and I have taken several important steps that will allow me to remove my DD and myself from the family home. I downloaded a book, and I have been following a blog/website that addresses divorce, and they suggest that if the process seems overwhelming, then to take one important step each week.
So far, I have opened a PO box in my name, sold a piece of jewelry to free up some cash, and opened bank accounts in my name. The next step is to visit a divorce lawyer in order to determine my rights, and to identify the processes that I need to follow. Luckily, the representative (my personal banker) happens to be going through a divorce herself at this time and had several suggestions regarding the new accounts. I also obtained a credit card which will give me some peace of mind. I finally told my mother about what I intend to do, and surprisingly, she has been very supportive. My next door neighbor is even researching homes to rent in the area that I plan on moving to. So, my ducks are finally lining up. Lastly, I am getting counseling (not from my friend) in order to put myself in the right frame of mind.
My plan is to move, or make my intentions known toward the end of May when school is out. I am a teacher and I will receive my summer salary in one lump sum at that time. I am concerned that this my be my best opportunity, as otherwise it will be spent/accounted for and I won't have another opportunity until August, when school starts again (another lump sum, although not as large).
The problem is that I am terrified of doing the actual deed. I know that by taking these step now, I won't have to scramble at the last minute, which will take some of the stress away, but the whole idea is rather daunting. Part of the issue is that typically, AH is fairly calm and maintains a pleasant demeanor this time of year. Summer is sometimes "OK", although last year it was awful. He drank a lot. His drinking usually ramps up in the fall, when I go back to work, and he doesn't back off until Spring. For some reason, I still feel the need to have good reason to make the move, and he keeps trying to act human. I keep re-reading my posts to SR, as well as going back through my diary notes to remind myself of what ALWAYS occurs, but I know that it will be difficult. My counselor friend tried to reassure me that what needs to happen, will happen at the right time, and not to worry too much. So, I guess that is his way of suggesting that I give my concerns over to my HP and keep my concerns to what is happening at the moment.
I guess that I just need encouragement as the time draws near, so that my anxiety doesn't get the better of me. It is only the end of March and I am already wobbly.
So far, I have opened a PO box in my name, sold a piece of jewelry to free up some cash, and opened bank accounts in my name. The next step is to visit a divorce lawyer in order to determine my rights, and to identify the processes that I need to follow. Luckily, the representative (my personal banker) happens to be going through a divorce herself at this time and had several suggestions regarding the new accounts. I also obtained a credit card which will give me some peace of mind. I finally told my mother about what I intend to do, and surprisingly, she has been very supportive. My next door neighbor is even researching homes to rent in the area that I plan on moving to. So, my ducks are finally lining up. Lastly, I am getting counseling (not from my friend) in order to put myself in the right frame of mind.
My plan is to move, or make my intentions known toward the end of May when school is out. I am a teacher and I will receive my summer salary in one lump sum at that time. I am concerned that this my be my best opportunity, as otherwise it will be spent/accounted for and I won't have another opportunity until August, when school starts again (another lump sum, although not as large).
The problem is that I am terrified of doing the actual deed. I know that by taking these step now, I won't have to scramble at the last minute, which will take some of the stress away, but the whole idea is rather daunting. Part of the issue is that typically, AH is fairly calm and maintains a pleasant demeanor this time of year. Summer is sometimes "OK", although last year it was awful. He drank a lot. His drinking usually ramps up in the fall, when I go back to work, and he doesn't back off until Spring. For some reason, I still feel the need to have good reason to make the move, and he keeps trying to act human. I keep re-reading my posts to SR, as well as going back through my diary notes to remind myself of what ALWAYS occurs, but I know that it will be difficult. My counselor friend tried to reassure me that what needs to happen, will happen at the right time, and not to worry too much. So, I guess that is his way of suggesting that I give my concerns over to my HP and keep my concerns to what is happening at the moment.
I guess that I just need encouragement as the time draws near, so that my anxiety doesn't get the better of me. It is only the end of March and I am already wobbly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Stay strong, Yurt. Re-reading your old threads here is a good idea. I think that just continuing to read here will help you--so many threads about how much happier folks are once they start a new life, minus the pain and the drama of living with an A, plus so many threads about the inevitable downhill slide, the first (or 5th) DUI, etc.
You posted in another thread about how you were originally unwilling to believe that your daughter was being affected by living in an alcoholic household, but now you see that she IS being affected. Maybe thinking of her would be a good motivator for you also, as it seems that we can summon strength to do things for others that we can't/won't do for ourselves.
There is that saying about how the right thing and the hard thing are often the same. Another favorite of mine is "if nothing changes, nothing changes." And if you back off, if you don't follow thru w/your plan, then nothing will have changed, right?
Keep moving ahead! Stay on your path. You can do it. I want to read a thread started by you about how great your life is once you've gotten a fresh start!
You posted in another thread about how you were originally unwilling to believe that your daughter was being affected by living in an alcoholic household, but now you see that she IS being affected. Maybe thinking of her would be a good motivator for you also, as it seems that we can summon strength to do things for others that we can't/won't do for ourselves.
There is that saying about how the right thing and the hard thing are often the same. Another favorite of mine is "if nothing changes, nothing changes." And if you back off, if you don't follow thru w/your plan, then nothing will have changed, right?
Keep moving ahead! Stay on your path. You can do it. I want to read a thread started by you about how great your life is once you've gotten a fresh start!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The plans and steps you are taking to take care of yourself and your daughter are wonderful! 
Besides going to your counselor, have you read any books on emotional and verbal abuse? Between continually learning about it and working the 12 steps of Alanon, things have been changing inside of me. I'm becoming stronger and less fearful of things in general. My anxiety is almost gone. I'm much different than just a month ago - completely different than a few months ago when I had my first introduction to effective professional counseling from those who understand addictions. I'm looking for a counselor who understands both addictions and emotional/verbal abuse.
Breath deeply and take care of you one day at a time. I'm finding it is true that things happen in the time frame they are meant to, as I lay the groundwork externally and internally.
These two books have free previews available from Amazon. If you don't have a kindle or kindle app, you can still read them online if you or someone you know has a prime membership. I found them useful enough to me that I bought both of them.
Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store
Amazon.com: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing eBook: Beverly Engel: Kindle Store
In case you aren't ready at the end of May, maybe consult with someone to help you further with your finances? You could put away some of your funds to be available for when you are ready to leave.
Besides going to your counselor, have you read any books on emotional and verbal abuse? Between continually learning about it and working the 12 steps of Alanon, things have been changing inside of me. I'm becoming stronger and less fearful of things in general. My anxiety is almost gone. I'm much different than just a month ago - completely different than a few months ago when I had my first introduction to effective professional counseling from those who understand addictions. I'm looking for a counselor who understands both addictions and emotional/verbal abuse.
Breath deeply and take care of you one day at a time. I'm finding it is true that things happen in the time frame they are meant to, as I lay the groundwork externally and internally.
These two books have free previews available from Amazon. If you don't have a kindle or kindle app, you can still read them online if you or someone you know has a prime membership. I found them useful enough to me that I bought both of them.
Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store
Amazon.com: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing eBook: Beverly Engel: Kindle Store
In case you aren't ready at the end of May, maybe consult with someone to help you further with your finances? You could put away some of your funds to be available for when you are ready to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Yurt, that's a great list of steps you take towards a new life for you and DD. You are really smart and resourceful
I was struggling with a lot of Ifs and Whats and Hows too when trying to leave a toxic situation. I was really trying hard to be fair and nice - playing by the rules to make sure nobody (including myself) would get hurt in the process.
I got out and it was NOT at all like I had planned, but I got out and I have no regrets.
Maybe it's a little bit like skydiving - you have to talk to a lawyer and get as much info before as possible just as you have to get your gear ready before you jump plane, but once you jump you have to trust the process and enjoy the new perspective on life
I was struggling with a lot of Ifs and Whats and Hows too when trying to leave a toxic situation. I was really trying hard to be fair and nice - playing by the rules to make sure nobody (including myself) would get hurt in the process.
I got out and it was NOT at all like I had planned, but I got out and I have no regrets.
Maybe it's a little bit like skydiving - you have to talk to a lawyer and get as much info before as possible just as you have to get your gear ready before you jump plane, but once you jump you have to trust the process and enjoy the new perspective on life
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I like the skydiving reference - that makes sense to my mind & I think I would feel very much that way..... a long, scary freefall from routine.
Hang in there Yurt!!! Change is ALWAYS scary no matter what the reasons are behind it, re-reading old posts is always motivating for me so I could see how that could help you a lot in this situation.
I think you've formulated a pretty solid, workable & SMART plan here Lady! GOOD LUCK, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!
Hang in there Yurt!!! Change is ALWAYS scary no matter what the reasons are behind it, re-reading old posts is always motivating for me so I could see how that could help you a lot in this situation.
I think you've formulated a pretty solid, workable & SMART plan here Lady! GOOD LUCK, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Yurt, Keep knocking down that list one week at a time. I think you are doing all the right things and in a timeline that works for you.
You deserve your own little corner of the world without the tensions of living with an A. So does your daughter.
Peace - and resolve,
You deserve your own little corner of the world without the tensions of living with an A. So does your daughter.
Peace - and resolve,
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
More steps that may help you in preparing to leave:
- You can rent a storage unit to start moving things to.
- You and your daughter can each have a bag packed, either at home, the storage unit if you get one, or with someone you trust. If things get bad, you don't need to wait to leave.
- Maybe look at renting a place in late spring or early summer with no rush to take something. You can have it waiting and move there when you are ready. Do not look at it as a waste of money. It's pre-planning and an investment in your future.
If having a defined date helps you and makes you stronger, that is good. Just don't let it become an expectation you feel you need to stand up to or that you somehow failed. You have the right to change your mind at any time. This needs to be on your terms and it's okay to change what those are.
In case you aren't ready to leave, work out some exit strategies with your daughter if she needs to leave first. It'd be good for her to know she has solid options of her own. If none come to mind, have some brainstorming sessions and include far-fetched ideas just for the fun of it. Is she also in counseling? Information on Adult Children of Alcoholics and verbal abuse may be very helpful to her. Even though she isn't technically an adult yet, she's on the bridge of that.
You're making good sound decisions. Have faith in yourself. There is no wrong path. Each place we go we learn from.
(((hugs)))
- You can rent a storage unit to start moving things to.
- You and your daughter can each have a bag packed, either at home, the storage unit if you get one, or with someone you trust. If things get bad, you don't need to wait to leave.
- Maybe look at renting a place in late spring or early summer with no rush to take something. You can have it waiting and move there when you are ready. Do not look at it as a waste of money. It's pre-planning and an investment in your future.
If having a defined date helps you and makes you stronger, that is good. Just don't let it become an expectation you feel you need to stand up to or that you somehow failed. You have the right to change your mind at any time. This needs to be on your terms and it's okay to change what those are.
In case you aren't ready to leave, work out some exit strategies with your daughter if she needs to leave first. It'd be good for her to know she has solid options of her own. If none come to mind, have some brainstorming sessions and include far-fetched ideas just for the fun of it. Is she also in counseling? Information on Adult Children of Alcoholics and verbal abuse may be very helpful to her. Even though she isn't technically an adult yet, she's on the bridge of that.
You're making good sound decisions. Have faith in yourself. There is no wrong path. Each place we go we learn from.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I think you have taken some fantastic steps forward, and I totally understand how easy it is to put off the actual decision because the AH isn't acting horribly at that precise moment. Half the battle is KNOWING that's what you're doing, and you obviously know it, which is great.
My only other suggestion is that when you are re-reading old posts to keep you on your path, pay special attention to the ones that detail the negative impact this has had on your daughter. Those kinds of memories always do way more to light a fire under me than anything my AH has done to me.
My only other suggestion is that when you are re-reading old posts to keep you on your path, pay special attention to the ones that detail the negative impact this has had on your daughter. Those kinds of memories always do way more to light a fire under me than anything my AH has done to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yurt, you are making wonderful progress. Please stand firm and remember that just because they have a period of "calm," it always changes. How many times can you and your DD do this?
Tight hugs. Keep going, you can do this!
Tight hugs. Keep going, you can do this!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The problem is that I am terrified of doing the actual deed.
I know in my case, I couldn't wait to get out -- but I was terrified of telling him because I knew he would fly off the handle and quite possibly get violent.
Even if you don't have any reason to expect him to get violent -- I would recommend that you plan as if that were the case. I can tell you that I didn't have a damn thing set up when I did leave -- it worked out anyway -- but that it would have been a lot easier if I had, like keepingthefaith suggested, stashed a suitcase with clothes, important papers, and some money, at a friend's house.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know what Yurt, once the "deed" is done, the relief you will feel is amazing. Even though it is still rough, to know I don't have to be with my louse of an AH again is something I cannot believe. I wish I had done this years ago.
The deed at my house was ugly, ugly. You know what, I am ok. My kids are ok. Are we struggling some? Sure. Could it be worse? ABSOLUTELY!
You deserve more. XXX
The deed at my house was ugly, ugly. You know what, I am ok. My kids are ok. Are we struggling some? Sure. Could it be worse? ABSOLUTELY!
You deserve more. XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I wanted to thank everyone for the words of support, and for the additional suggestions. Having a suitcase packed in another locale is definitely a good idea. I don't anticipate any violence, but I also don't want to spend another minute in this house after we have the discussion. I would like to just be able to leave without waiting for the details to be ironed out.
It is amazing how much I had forgotten regarding the verbal garbage that he spread around. I came home today, to discover that he had sprayed the top acre of our property with old skanky gasoline to prevent the weeds from growing. Now, I don't know if it is a fire safety hazard, but the place reeks. Old gas has the worst odor. Of course, he smells of it and probably won't shower before going to bed. It also explains why he seemed even more intoxicated than usual; I know the fumes don't do your brain cells any good. He could barely talk coherently this evening.
It is amazing how much I had forgotten regarding the verbal garbage that he spread around. I came home today, to discover that he had sprayed the top acre of our property with old skanky gasoline to prevent the weeds from growing. Now, I don't know if it is a fire safety hazard, but the place reeks. Old gas has the worst odor. Of course, he smells of it and probably won't shower before going to bed. It also explains why he seemed even more intoxicated than usual; I know the fumes don't do your brain cells any good. He could barely talk coherently this evening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Yurt,
You sound so rational and thoughtful. I really admire your measured approach to something you know is imminent.
Is next year your daughter's last year of high school? Think what a gift it will be to her to have a peaceful sanctuary!
I like the storage unit idea. I would think that you could take one box a week of your personal items and things that are valuable to you and your daughter so that you don't have to scramble if an when you decide you've had enough.
I know it's not easy. It was summer when my alcoholic marriage blew up and I had been hoarding cash because I *knew* that something had to change and I knew that my AH was not going to let me go easily. (Ultimately he left, but that's another story - he still blamed me for his leaving).
You will be so delighted at having these things done when and if you reach your saturation point. You sound very healthy to me.
You sound so rational and thoughtful. I really admire your measured approach to something you know is imminent.
Is next year your daughter's last year of high school? Think what a gift it will be to her to have a peaceful sanctuary!
I like the storage unit idea. I would think that you could take one box a week of your personal items and things that are valuable to you and your daughter so that you don't have to scramble if an when you decide you've had enough.
I know it's not easy. It was summer when my alcoholic marriage blew up and I had been hoarding cash because I *knew* that something had to change and I knew that my AH was not going to let me go easily. (Ultimately he left, but that's another story - he still blamed me for his leaving).
You will be so delighted at having these things done when and if you reach your saturation point. You sound very healthy to me.
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