wackybunny

I felt like I dealt with a lot of my childhood issues before. I moved to another country at 19 because I felt like being in the same country as my ex step dad was too close. I ran and ran and called it traveling. I hid in drugs and parties and more. I knew that I could never get far enough away or out of it enough to truly forget. My childhood wasn't that horrible surely, I survived and turned into a good person. I did a bunch of work on these issues, or so I thought. Trouble is, I was doing so many drugs and drinking during that time. I also became addicted to pot and smoked it every day for 22 years.

When I starting trying to quit about 2 months ago (the reason I joined SR) I started having emotional flashbacks. I thought "oh sh##, am I'm going to have to deal with this stuff now?" Then someone pointed out that first of all, I should get sober and I didn't have to address everything at once. So I let those thoughts drift away and made it through the withdrawal period and am feeling pretty good lately.

But then I read some thread about the lives of children of alcoholics. It shook me to the core. I couldn't even read the whole thing, skimmed it, skipped most of the replies. Came here and couldn't even start reading the posts. Feels like it will burn my eyes, like it's not safe. But I've still felt drawn to this area of SR since I started posting back in Jan.

For goodness sake, I'm 38 years old and my life is fine, why the heck would I have to go back to "that place". What good would it do me? Wouldn't it just cause more pain? Aren't I fine the way I am now? Aaaaarg. I don't want to relive trauma. Why am I even posting here. Why is it coming up now? Why have I only once been able to tell my mother how it affected me? Why am I so angry? Why can't I leave this stuff buried where it surely belongs. Why does it feel so shameful?

It feels like when I stopped smoking weed daily, the issues that I avoided when I started smoking were right there waiting for me, as if I had just hit the pause button. Maybe I'll hit pause again.

venuscat

I think you are right bunny; I think the issues we avoided while we smoked and hid were waiting for us. Like you, I really wanted to hit pause again on my own family pain.

It didn't help me though. I stayed stuck, and I stayed in pain.
I nearly lost my sobriety over this a couple of months ago...and I needed to re-evaluate.

Maybe now is not the time to delve into the dark places, 29 days clean is awesome, but you might not be ready. Perhaps a little later, it will feel like the right time to address some stuff from your past.

Just my thoughts.

Sending you love,

V xx

wackybunny

Thanks Venus. I think you're right. The panic it sent me into was like reliving the worst days of withdrawals. I was so happy to be out of the woods and into the light and I'm not ready to go back into the woods and start fighting again. Perhaps I'll relax and enjoy the sunshine for a bit. Strangely, it made me so angry that I was thinking of never coming back to SR. Irrational thoughts, the anger is nothing to do with the caring people who share here. Running away like usual. Fight or flight. Feel so relieved that I can wait till I'm ready, I could cry.

wackybunny

Just realized that the anger and thought of never coming back is probably that little old addiction wanting to take over again. My addiction can't survive in this environment. I love SR and it's the main reason I'm on day 29. xoxo

DesertEyes

Hello again

I did that too. We call it "self-medicating".

That is a _huge_ acomplishment for an ACoA, congratulations

That is the standard suggestion, seems to work very well for most people.

Oh yes that happened to me too. Not here on SR, it happened when I first read a book called "The forgotten children". The emotions that erupted were completely overwhelming.

well... you're not supposed to "go back". A better analogy would be to "cut free from the anchors". It's about going _forward_ into a future without the hindrance of the past.

The way it works for me is that I see it as an "emotional injury". Just like an injury, it has to heal. I also have to _not_ pick at the scab, follow doctors orders, etc. etc. I can ignore it, but at some point I will have to deal with it because injuries don't just disapear. The good news is that, unlike physical injuries, I can choose when and where to do the "healing".

Yes, you are. I can say that without knowing you because you are _clean and sober_. I think that is very, very "fine".

Oh no, not supposed to do that either. It's about _overcoming_ trauma.

Because you are clean and sober and your life is in a good place. At any other point in your past ( and I am guessing here ) you likely were not clean and sober, or in a good place. Now you have the time and the "psychic energy" to invest in emotional healing. Am I making sense with that?

Wow, you actually were able to do that? I never was able to confront my parents that way.

Because what was done to you was a _crime_. Not to mention a horror.

Look at it this way; if any normal adult were to witness a child being abused ( pysical, emotional. etc. ) that adult would feel _anger_. The fact that you are now feeling anger shows that you are a normal adult. (ok, let's not go into what "normal" really is, that's a very difficult subject for any ACoA to get a grip on )

Because it's not dead. Once you "kill" it, then you can leave it buried.

It's called "brainwashing". It's part of the mechanism that dysfunctional adults use to protect themselves from the consequences of their action. A child that is brainwashed into feeling shame will not go tell the teacher, or the police, or the neighbor, what is _really_ going on in that house.

You can do that any time you like. The general suggestion is that you _not_ try and deal with the whole issue at once. Do _not_ read all the posts and all the threads. Just browse around a _little_ bit. Notice what issues cause you the worst emotions, the biggest _trigger_ and then do _not_ go back to those.

Pick just _one_ issue that causes you only _mild_ discomfort, and then don't do anything about it. Just recognize that it is there. Give it a week, or a month, then look at it again. Then maybe you do a little more reading on just that one subject, maybe you go see a therapist. Maybe you put it off for another month.

The idea, if I can go into analogies again, is to _not_ jump into the deep end. Start at the shallow end and work your way in _very_ slowly. That way you will build up "tools" and "techniques" easily, you will meet a lot of people in recovery and have the time to build trust and friendships. You will solve a few small issues first, which will give you experience and confidence.

By the time you get to the really big issues you will have a solid background, a ton of support people, and you will be able to knock them down without a problem.

That's the way I do it. I work on it for a couple years, then take a few years sabattical. I did that cycle several times and got most everything fixed. Now I only work on ACoA issues when some ugly little thing pops up that I had no idea was still there. In the last ten years there's only been _one_ thing that "bit" me.

Am I making sense with all that? This is difficult stuff to explain with just text on a screen.

Mike
Moderator, Sober Recovery

FeelingGreat

Hi wackbunny, congratulations on leaving your addiction behind. You sound very level headed and aware of your own moods and thoughts.
If you're up for it, maybe a good counsellor could guide you through the past traumas in a way that doesn't traumatise you all over again? It could be a good time for the mature, clean you to come to terms with your childhood.
If your thoughts become too intrusive there are other ways of dealing with it without relapsing.

neferkamichael

Wackybunny, 9 days is FANTASTIC, congratulations, rootin for ya.

wackybunny

Oh my gosh Mike, that makes so much sense. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to break it down. I'm shaking and feel tears welling but am very relieved. It was all too much, like a tsunami wave but you made it sound like a lot of small waves coming at manageable intervals. I am going to read this again but wanted to thank you first. All of what you said resonated true but in a way that felt like a warm hug and not a sharp knife.

wackybunny

Yes, FeelingGreat, I think it is almost time. Better late than never. Thank you!

venuscat

Wow Mike ~ like bunny just said, I am going to read your post over and over again.

And although I came here today to answer you bunny girl, it is clear to me that I need to read around here a little myself. When Mike said "Because what was done to you was a _crime_. Not to mention a horror.", I started shaking.

What was done to me was a crime as well.
I am relieved that there are places on SR where we can talk about these things.

Much love,

V xx

wackybunny

Venus, this is so moving isn't it? I am getting tremors. I am so glad you didn't lose your sobriety a couple months ago, like you mentioned you almost did. Lets stay sober and face this stuff in bite sized pieces, only as much as we can cope with. I'm back to feeling warm fuzzies again.

venuscat

Absolutely. And warm fuzzies is an awesome way to put it...I have so many emotions rushing through me right now. Kind of choked up.

V xx

NWGRITS

Mike always puts things so eloquently. What he said is spot on. These things didn't happen overnight, so you're not going to heal overnight. Many of us here who are better adjusted have been working at it for a while. Baby steps.

LifeRoad

Hi Bunny. I always liked to read books about disabled people who move forward in life. I started when I was 10 and it gave me tools that were useful all of my life. Routine, patience and a vision. The lotus flower is sometimes used to represent how we unfold in life. It is what we are programmed to do and its a gentle, lovely process. Caring for ourselves helps us survive the ripples and storms.

I revisit when I gain new insight into the illnesses that gripped my birth family. We have so many mixed emotions its easy to be overwhelmed by trauma and get the adrenaline pumping. I like to run 5 miles and listen to gospel music. Exercise has so many natural meds, and brings me back to the here and now.

Most people can't help children in abusive situations because helping is often more traumatic. They try to sooth everyone involved and calm things down. Its helpful to me to realize now that so many people were reaching out and I can only thank them by benefiting in my own life. I was never really alone.

I think the hardest path is forgiveness. It requires that you are not being injured, you do not need, and can truly recognize failure and weakness. Recovery is only works because you give yourself a reasonable step. Most often I benefit from insights into my own childhood when I see someone I care about, fail their own children. It is my chance to be the person who cared, soothed, and learn to sooth myself in an adult, healthful way.

wackybunny

Thank you LifeRoad. For the most part I have forgiven and am grateful for all that I have and had. I have done lots of work on myself, spent my twenties learning how to be happy. I thought by thirty I was done with it and ready to leave it behind. I guess that being stoned while processing things means that while it did help, it wasn't the same as being sober and processing things. Removing the numbing agent has stirred emotions up a bit. All these posts have really helped though. I'm going to avoid triggers at least until I've put a bit more time between me and the numbing agent. In the end we are very resilient, us people. Sometimes the people who have had reasons to work on themselves are the ones who are the most compassionate.

LifeRoad

I like walking through Walmart because its a real compass of today I can compare over time (I'm 60). I know that 20% of the people there have had impoverished childhoods because that is the child poverty rate. It means they were unwanted burdens on their mother's who did not receive child support (which is only recently considered criminal). There they are at Walmart, functioning, going forward and having a good life. They have cars in the parking lot and smile more that people do at 'better' stores. I see people who care, its very reassuring.

Lovenjoy

Thank you, thank you, thank you Mike! And you wackybunny for asking the right questions and voicing your feelings! And everyone here who is courageous enough to look at your past and to seek healing and to share - it means sooooo much to me that I'm not walking this path alone.

Mike that is a truly wonderful break down to doing a manageable approach to this deep healing personal work. I thought I had worked through a lot of this but with personal traumas in my life much has been triggered and I now know there's more work to do. And it has been daunting for me to even consider. The crap on my present day plate seems to be enough thank you very much! But of course as it has come up as part of the dish being served so I am not inclined to push it down deep, again.

I like the thought that this coming up now may mean I am in a healthy enough place to look at….. that's kinda cool! And as it has been with me in varying degrees all my adult life, if I feel my sobriety being threatened I can work on a portion that is less threatening or take a sabbatical!

Wow Mike. I mean really. Your post has calmed me down immensely about facing things.