There is no Smoke in her eyes....
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
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There is no Smoke in her eyes....
This reply was one to SIDMOMS post, you may go here to read it, if you want to read the whole thing.
<a href="http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000740" target="_blank">http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000740</a>
Smoke you have so many wise words! Way to go.. <img border="0" alt="[Thumb]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/thumb.gif" />
Smokes words here are VERY well put. I have printed this and it will have a home on my refrigerator at home, I need to read this over and over again. I am a BIG obsessor of my A's behavior and why he treats me the way he does. This post helps me snap back to reality.
Howdy Sidmom!
I hope there's nobody here that has to ask "why do you care?". If we hadn't been caring so much, none of us would have landed here! We care because we are endowed with a sense of right and fairness. It's what makes us treat other people with respect. When other people don't reciprocate, it is dismaying. We start to ask "how" and "why" can they think and behave this way? But the bottom line is... they do. That is how they think. That is how they behave. Paula is abolutely right when she says "acceptance is the key". We are completely powerless when it comes to changing the thinking, and thus the behavior, of another person. Accepting doesn't mean you think they're right. It can mean acknowledging that they're wrong, and there's just not a thing you can do about it. Outrage is a product of disappointed expectations.
My mother gets mad at the neighbor's cat when it kills "her" birds. She wants to punish the cat. "Mom." I say. "It's a cat. Cat's kill birds. There's no point in getting mad at the cat for being what it is." You can't change the cat. You can put the birdseed in a feeder so it's harder for the cat to get to the birds, but that's about it. Cats and addicts are about equally trainable. Ever try to train a cat?
You have now learned from experience that when you give to this man, he does not give back. If it angers you when there is no reciprocation for your giving, the way to avoid the anger is to not give to him.
I also wonder if you are still placing value and power in his opinion of you? "What flaws must I have that he could treat me this way?" An addict's ruler is nothing to measure yourself by. One of the greatest things a friend ever said to me was "You are a princess and he is a toad." What do toads know of the proper deportment of princesses? If he'd prefer you crownless and covered with warts and pond slime that's his opinion, but his opinion doesn't count for much around the old castle, now does it?
Lot's of menagerie metaphors around here. Toads, cats, apes, ducks, pigs, jackasses and horse's behinds. Try to picture any of them holding a sceptre and sitting on the velvet throne beside you. Now laugh! Live in your castle and don't lower the drawbridge for him unless he can show he's housebroken. That's what moats are for.
Hugs!
Smoke
<a href="http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000740" target="_blank">http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000740</a>
Smoke you have so many wise words! Way to go.. <img border="0" alt="[Thumb]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/thumb.gif" />
Smokes words here are VERY well put. I have printed this and it will have a home on my refrigerator at home, I need to read this over and over again. I am a BIG obsessor of my A's behavior and why he treats me the way he does. This post helps me snap back to reality.
Howdy Sidmom!
I hope there's nobody here that has to ask "why do you care?". If we hadn't been caring so much, none of us would have landed here! We care because we are endowed with a sense of right and fairness. It's what makes us treat other people with respect. When other people don't reciprocate, it is dismaying. We start to ask "how" and "why" can they think and behave this way? But the bottom line is... they do. That is how they think. That is how they behave. Paula is abolutely right when she says "acceptance is the key". We are completely powerless when it comes to changing the thinking, and thus the behavior, of another person. Accepting doesn't mean you think they're right. It can mean acknowledging that they're wrong, and there's just not a thing you can do about it. Outrage is a product of disappointed expectations.
My mother gets mad at the neighbor's cat when it kills "her" birds. She wants to punish the cat. "Mom." I say. "It's a cat. Cat's kill birds. There's no point in getting mad at the cat for being what it is." You can't change the cat. You can put the birdseed in a feeder so it's harder for the cat to get to the birds, but that's about it. Cats and addicts are about equally trainable. Ever try to train a cat?
You have now learned from experience that when you give to this man, he does not give back. If it angers you when there is no reciprocation for your giving, the way to avoid the anger is to not give to him.
I also wonder if you are still placing value and power in his opinion of you? "What flaws must I have that he could treat me this way?" An addict's ruler is nothing to measure yourself by. One of the greatest things a friend ever said to me was "You are a princess and he is a toad." What do toads know of the proper deportment of princesses? If he'd prefer you crownless and covered with warts and pond slime that's his opinion, but his opinion doesn't count for much around the old castle, now does it?
Lot's of menagerie metaphors around here. Toads, cats, apes, ducks, pigs, jackasses and horse's behinds. Try to picture any of them holding a sceptre and sitting on the velvet throne beside you. Now laugh! Live in your castle and don't lower the drawbridge for him unless he can show he's housebroken. That's what moats are for.
Hugs!
Smoke
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