changing MY habits

Old 03-30-2014, 06:29 AM
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changing MY habits

Being addicted to his addiction for so long has ingrained habits in my life that have altered my daily existence so it is almost unrecognizable. You know those habits: why is his door locked?, what's all that nose sniffing noise about?, check the eyes, ask confrontational questions, obsessively worrying, check the phone log, give unsolicited advice, angry silence, accusing looks, sleepiness nights replaying past transgressions and imagining future horrors, black moods, and I could go on and on. We can all go on and on. (good to identify but getting old as it's all well known by now!) The awareness has happened for me. I am codependent. My life became unmanageable. All my effort makes not one whit of difference to his journey.

So now I am trying to make a new list. What new habits have to happen? What have you found/done/invented to replace destructive habits? Because I know I am destroying my life and my happiness and my productiveness and my relationships. I am doing that. Not him. For now the awareness is helping, a lot. I put on the brakes. Turn away and reach for….. something else. Pray. Read. Head here. Do something for me.

But I am looking forward to not going there in the first place!!! And these habits are strongly imbedded. I need to find and practice new habits of recovery. How does that happen? I am in a place where the big gestures aren't happening at this time for complex reasons. He is in my house and that is what it is for now. So breaking my habits while his habits are in my face. My recovery can not wait on his recovery. My life can not be derailed because his is and his consequences should not be mine.

So my wonderful SR family - please help me make a new list. Recovery habits for me. And you. We all know where we've been. Now let's go where we want to be, for us.

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Old 03-30-2014, 06:46 AM
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I totally relate to this post and am in the exact same place as you -- fully aware that he's not going to change. I am responsible for having stayed in an unhappy and unfulfilling place for as long as I have, and i need to make the necessary changes in my life to be happier.

I am ready to make the next step, to change my own habits, expectations, to move on. Therapy helps -- slowly. I look forward to seeing other responses.
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Old 03-30-2014, 06:54 AM
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What a great question Lovenjoy! Learning how to live our lives fully is such an important part of recovery from the affects of addiction in our lives!

Is there anything that you have always wished you had done but never had the time to do it? There were two things for me.....learn to play an instrument and learn another language. So I am taking language classes. And I love it! It takes an enormous amount of my time. And I'm doing it for ..... ME!

Once I master my second language (which at the rate I'm going, could take me a few years! lol) I'll move on to an instrument.

I've also done yoga, dance, and joined a gym at various stages of my own recovery.

Right now my week looks like this. I get up at 4:30am....study until about 7:00am. Go to work (which takes up a big part of my day), go from work directly to my class, get home around 7:30, take the dogs for a long walk with hubby, come back relax for a while, go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

I volunteer on Saturday mornings at a drug rehab working with families and go to a Nar-Anon meeting once a week. I spend the rest of my weekends hanging out with Mr. KE reading, relaxing, laughing, talking, going on walks, watching movies, discussing politics (which is interesting since he and I are on opposite "sides" so to speak) and generally spending wonderful time together.

I'm quite busy and people often shake their heads and say....my goodness....you are SO busy....doesn't it make you nuts? My reply....no....this is living. And I'm loving it!

Tell me......what have you always wanted to do.....but didn't think you had time to do it?

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Old 03-30-2014, 06:59 AM
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well looks like you are at the same place im at too

ive grown rather fond of my little crazy train analogy... i literally envision myself taking that ticket and boarding that crazy train.. OR refusing the ticket and sticking to my little platform and let the train depart without me. Having a "mentally" visible place aka my platform.. i have options: i can turn around and walk into the little kiosk that "sells" all sorts of things, from hot showers, reading books, picking up my crochet hooks, grabbing my camera to take a photo, playing with one of the animals to wrapping up in a blanket and having a good old cry.. or, if i cant face those options, i can leave the kiosk and stroll up and down the platform.. if im careful, i can see other people (read that as you two) waiting and clinging to the sane place.. i can be brave and talk to you, i can just read/listen.. i can ask you "how is your day going" or i can moan about my day.
Another option i found was a little telephone booth that gave me access to outside help.. no, i couldnt actually tell my psychiatrist what was wrong, but i could write it down for him and hand it over with shaking hands.. and he could respond by changing my meds...

Some days i even see an exit door.. its far down the line of my platform, but it is there.. right now, im not ready to walk that far and go through that door to leave the trainstation.. but one day i will.. and on that day, all will become clear and i will either walk through that door, head held high on my own or i will be walking through it hand in hand with my AH (who by then should be a RAH)...

But, today is today... today im taking a seat on the platform and watch the train come and go at regular intervals, today im strolling up and down the platform, talking to you and keeping myself safe.
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:14 AM
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Hmm, I spent several years dealing with the crazy train myself. I am personally at a point where no longer have any interest in spending any more time with crazy. Dealing with someone else's craziness, becoming enmeshed in it, trying to "fix" it, is what made me sick. I am ready to move on. Serenity, health and happiness is is what I seek. For me. And what I hope to gain from this site is insight from others who have been through this already and have suggestions on how to successfully get to serenity.
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:02 AM
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Thanks guys! Hope we can get on a roll here!

Needabreak - thanks for walking with me on this path to serenity! It means a lot not to be going into the unknown alone! Crazy, whether his or mine, is not acceptable for me anymore. 'Serenity, health and happiness is what I seek.' I like this. Maybe it's the seeking that is a new habit?

LostHope - I'm glad you are finding tools to help relieve the pain. I have wanted to pick up my crochet needles again lately. Thanks for reminding me! Some really good self care happening for you. The kiosk is a great idea! I'm glad you can see the exit door and pray for the day you are ready to walk that far!

Kind Eyes - some great tools and new habits you have there! I have been wanting to get back into yoga for quite some time. I also have it on my heart to speak to families through rehab. I need more alanon time but have already found an avenue to get to a place to share my ESH. 'Is there anything that you have always wished you had done but never had the time to do it?' I have wanted, for as long as I can remember, to learn to play the piano! We'll see!

Keep it coming people! I know so many of you are developing and have developed coping tools and habits, please share!
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Old 03-30-2014, 09:13 AM
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Lovenjoy, absolutely FANTASTIC, thank you, and rootin for ya.

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Old 03-30-2014, 11:50 AM
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Here's one. Every Winter my elderly Mom & Dad go to their condo in Florida. They will be coming home tomorrow.

I left my addict partner home, and came up to my parents' house to turn on the heat, water, etc., to prep it for their return. I have been here for 3 days, doing yoga every day, hiking, eating well, exercising, and ignoring calls from my partner. It wasn't my intent when I came up, but after a rambling drug addled call a couple nights ago I said to myself "you know what, I want a few days to myself, for me." And that's exactly what I've done. It feels good, and helps me to envision what it will be like to get drugs out of my reality permanently over the next few months.
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:02 PM
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Great topic..thanks. I started taking care of me by attending al-anon once per week. It definitely has given me tools and its a great reminder of what I am powerless over. I found it gave me tools but didn't seem to include a whole lot of stories about people overcoming drug addictions (being al-anon and all!) There were also no other parents in my group. I knew I needed more and stumbled across this great site which has helped me more than I can say. I was then invited to a birthday night at an open AA meeting. It's where the members celebrate milestones and talk about how things were and how they differ now. The hope, acceptance and gratitude in that group has kept me going back. I then started a "40 days to miracles" journey where I write 5 things I'm grateful for each day...take a picture of my journal page and send it to my "miracle buddy"... about 350 days now and going strong!! I was feeling so much better mentally but knew I needed to catch up physically so I joined a gym and now do 5 classes a week..zumba, kickboxing, and a weightlifting class. Oh yeah....and I work full time...and sit on several community boards. I had given up so much of me by becoming so focused on my son's addiction. I feel like myself again. Running from one joy filled activity to another. I don't have the time now to stress over every move he does or doesn't make. I pray for him each time he crosses my thoughts. I have noticed I still have a tendency to resist handing things over entirely and its then that I express my gratitude that I have tools and resources now...not to mention all of you!!!
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:12 PM
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Thanks lizwig! So much to think about, wow. Really great the many things you are doing for you! I'm at baby steps right now, or maybe just slowly building a solid foundation? I actually went looking for 'Making Miracles' this afternoon! Have to order it. Thanks so much for giving me a glimpse into what a happy, fulfilling life can look like. Haven't had one in far too long, if ever. The 'catching up physically' is on the agenda for sure. Kickboxing?!
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Old 03-30-2014, 03:45 PM
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Needabreak is taking a break! Good for you! You have no idea how often I long to just get away for a few days. It is something that is starting to form in my mind how to accomplish. It has changed from wishful thinking to a goal. Time away. Awesome.
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