Disrespected Boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Disrespected Boundaries
Two weeks ago I told ABF I wanted to take a break at least until my semester was over (so about two months). I've just been so focused on him lately that my work and my schoolwork has suffered for it, and I need to focus on me. He took it well, and said he was okay with no contact if that's what I wanted. I said I wanted a week of NC and then I'd see how I felt after that. At the end of week one, I decided that we would keep in touch through one email a week each. The first two weeks passed without incident. My rules: no contact besides the weekly email, and I don't want to know if he's been drinking because it will just suck me back down with him.
But then today, as it came time for my weekly email to him, he Facebook messaged me. Repeatedly. Nothing abusive in any way, just saying how much he missed me. I didn't engage, only said "stop" several times. After awhile, he stopped.
Instead of sending my weekly update, which I had been drafting all week and was looking forward to sending, I sent a short email saying how disrespected I felt. And the degree to which he disrespected made me assume that he was drinking, so he broke BOTH of my TWO SIMPLE RULES.
I start to feel good about his sobriety or the future of our relationship after this break, and then he has to go and do this. It's this disrespect that bothers me far more than his drinking. At least that is something he does to himself, and I'm just collateral damage. This is something he's deliberately done TO me, despite knowing my boundaries.
/rant
But then today, as it came time for my weekly email to him, he Facebook messaged me. Repeatedly. Nothing abusive in any way, just saying how much he missed me. I didn't engage, only said "stop" several times. After awhile, he stopped.
Instead of sending my weekly update, which I had been drafting all week and was looking forward to sending, I sent a short email saying how disrespected I felt. And the degree to which he disrespected made me assume that he was drinking, so he broke BOTH of my TWO SIMPLE RULES.
I start to feel good about his sobriety or the future of our relationship after this break, and then he has to go and do this. It's this disrespect that bothers me far more than his drinking. At least that is something he does to himself, and I'm just collateral damage. This is something he's deliberately done TO me, despite knowing my boundaries.
/rant
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"It's this disrespect that bothers me far more than his drinking. At least that is something he does to himself, and I'm just collateral damage. This is something he's deliberately done TO me, despite knowing my boundaries." (Ixi)
I am trying to understand ^^^^^^^^^^^^
In my experience, it was the actual DRINKING that led to the disrespectful words and actions. The alcohol hijacked his sense of values, respect, consideration, NORMALCY.
Forgive me for the generation gap, but all this social media and staying "connected" is currently not serving your best interest. If his contact is a problem, block him, unfriend him, it really is as simple as clicking a little box on your FB settings..
Also I do not get the " he's done something deliberately to me", sorry, but I view it as he cast the rod, and you took the bait, the boundary is for you , not him, simply do NOT engage, you don't have to reply.
Pay attention to his actions, not his words.
I am trying to understand ^^^^^^^^^^^^
In my experience, it was the actual DRINKING that led to the disrespectful words and actions. The alcohol hijacked his sense of values, respect, consideration, NORMALCY.
Forgive me for the generation gap, but all this social media and staying "connected" is currently not serving your best interest. If his contact is a problem, block him, unfriend him, it really is as simple as clicking a little box on your FB settings..
Also I do not get the " he's done something deliberately to me", sorry, but I view it as he cast the rod, and you took the bait, the boundary is for you , not him, simply do NOT engage, you don't have to reply.
Pay attention to his actions, not his words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I agree with Marie. I have communication boundaries with my husband (although they're becoming increasingly relaxed as things are settling into a routine) but although he knew I would only communicate with him at a certain time on certain day, that doesn't mean those are rules for him to abide by, they are rules for ME to abide by. He can text me all day, everyday and that is HIS right to do so, I certainly do not need to acknowledge his attempts at communicating with me.
Your boundaries are not rules for your BF, they are rules for you. So what if he FB messaged you? You don't need to respond or you can easily block him. His messaging isn't something done TO YOU, like your boundaries are not done TO HIM and just like he doesn't drink AT YOU. All of those acts are self motivated. He drinks for himself, he messaged you because he wanted to (not to terrorize or disrespect your boundaries) and you set boundaries for yourself to protect yourself.
Your boundaries are not rules for your BF, they are rules for you. So what if he FB messaged you? You don't need to respond or you can easily block him. His messaging isn't something done TO YOU, like your boundaries are not done TO HIM and just like he doesn't drink AT YOU. All of those acts are self motivated. He drinks for himself, he messaged you because he wanted to (not to terrorize or disrespect your boundaries) and you set boundaries for yourself to protect yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by marie1960 
In my experience, it was the actual DRINKING that led to the disrespectful words and actions. The alcohol hijacked his sense of values, respect, consideration, NORMALCY.
We haven't broken up, so I don't want to go completely NC. Our first exchange of weekly emails was good and it stopped me from going back to texting him every day. I just wanted to stay there, in that spot, because it was working.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 81
Well everyone's situation IS different.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be in denial about, but in saying "not to be the one who insists my situation is different" I was merely pointing out that my situation is not the same as yours in that it wasn't the drinking itself that led to disrespect. I did not mean to say that I am the exception in any other way.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be in denial about, but in saying "not to be the one who insists my situation is different" I was merely pointing out that my situation is not the same as yours in that it wasn't the drinking itself that led to disrespect. I did not mean to say that I am the exception in any other way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Boundaries are for you to follow, not for him. Setting up boundaries for yourself about what is acceptable for you in a relationship, not about what he can and can't say and when.
Setting up rules about how he should or ought behave towards you is controlling him and setting yourself up for disappointment. You can't micromanage how someone talks to you. You can control how you respond to them and how often and put yourself in positions to lead to best outcomes for you and your feelings and capabilities.
^^^ This.
He messaged you on Facebook outside of your agreed upon time. Okay. This is, relatively speaking, considering what you've been through lately, a non-issue. What are you really mad about here? Put your energy into managing that.
Setting up rules about how he should or ought behave towards you is controlling him and setting yourself up for disappointment. You can't micromanage how someone talks to you. You can control how you respond to them and how often and put yourself in positions to lead to best outcomes for you and your feelings and capabilities.
I have communication boundaries with my husband ... that doesn't mean those are rules for him to abide by, they are rules for ME to abide by. He can text me all day, everyday and that is HIS right to do so, I certainly do not need to acknowledge his attempts at communicating with me.
He messaged you on Facebook outside of your agreed upon time. Okay. This is, relatively speaking, considering what you've been through lately, a non-issue. What are you really mad about here? Put your energy into managing that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You will continually be disappointed as long as you set "rules" for an alcoholic. You can set boundaries for yourself, but "rules" gets into controlling behavior. That won't work. A boundary is you will only accept and respond to one email a week. That boundary is for you. If your ABF sends more than that, you don't have to read them/respond to them. His actions over time will tell you all you need to know.
You mention that you needed a break to focus on you and school, then you state that you were drafting your email to him "all week". Perhaps for now No Contact is best, so you can put your focus where it best serves you.
You mention that you needed a break to focus on you and school, then you state that you were drafting your email to him "all week". Perhaps for now No Contact is best, so you can put your focus where it best serves you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Recovering2
You will continually be disappointed as long as you set "rules" for an alcoholic. You can set boundaries for yourself, but "rules" gets into controlling behavior. That won't work. A boundary is you will only accept and respond to one email a week. That boundary is for you. If your ABF sends more than that, you don't have to read them/respond to them. His actions over time will tell you all you need to know.
You mention that you needed a break to focus on you and school, then you state that you were drafting your email to him "all week". Perhaps for now No Contact is best, so you can put your focus where it best serves you.
You mention that you needed a break to focus on you and school, then you state that you were drafting your email to him "all week". Perhaps for now No Contact is best, so you can put your focus where it best serves you.
Also: I didn't engage, only said "stop" several times. After awhile, he stopped.
That is engaging. Any contact is engaging. Is this how you want to spend your free time? Trying to manage a relationship with someone who has to be reminded to show you respect?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
