I'm back on here after almost 2 years and nothing has changed
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I'm back on here after almost 2 years and nothing has changed
My alcoholic BF and I got back together beginning of Nov. and he had been sober for about 3 months so I decided to give him another chance. He seemed to be doing so well and our relationship was so much better too. He was running again and eating healthy. He was like a totally different person. He moved back in with me and then soon after he relapsed. I started finding hidden half full bottles of wine, glasses half full with whiskey behind the tv and dresser. He was spending hours in the basement or garage after which I would find hidden bottles. One time I found him drinking straight out of a whiskey bottle in the office while preparing for a trial he had the following day (he's a lawyer). The most recent time 2 weeks ago I walked in after work and saw him trying to hide a bottle of wine behind the tv. I confronted him and asked him why he is doing this. And just like that, he packed up all his belongings and was gone in 15 minutes. He has been living at his sister's house for the past 2 weeks. He won't talk to me about it, return phone calls or anything. I am feeling so broken.
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(((((hugs)))))
It's not you, Amanda. It really is him.
I've been married for 27 years. He went to rehab for 28 days and had been sober 100+ days when starting his relapse this weekend. It was purely his choice to go buy and start drinking again. There is nothing about work, home or me that caused it. If he could pick up and leave and live at his sister's house to drink continuously, he probably would. The only thing stopping him is his closest sister lives 4 hours away. That's not to say he hasn't thought of that... I'm pretty sure he has considered quitting his job and doing just that at some time or another. He has several sisters who'd be just fine with that. Alcholic family and Adult Children of Alchoholics, most of them ignoring any problems with another bottle and a "good time".
Do you have a counselor who specializes in addictions or have you gone to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? All good places to be. Their drinking effects us in many ways that we often don't see until we start healing.
It's not you, Amanda. It really is him.
I've been married for 27 years. He went to rehab for 28 days and had been sober 100+ days when starting his relapse this weekend. It was purely his choice to go buy and start drinking again. There is nothing about work, home or me that caused it. If he could pick up and leave and live at his sister's house to drink continuously, he probably would. The only thing stopping him is his closest sister lives 4 hours away. That's not to say he hasn't thought of that... I'm pretty sure he has considered quitting his job and doing just that at some time or another. He has several sisters who'd be just fine with that. Alcholic family and Adult Children of Alchoholics, most of them ignoring any problems with another bottle and a "good time".
Do you have a counselor who specializes in addictions or have you gone to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? All good places to be. Their drinking effects us in many ways that we often don't see until we start healing.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's devastating when we get our hopes up only to have them dashed. I'm always amazed at how people can have such success in some areas like schooling or career and be so overcome with alcoholism. Very sad. Alcoholism just destroys everything in its path without discrimination.
Be gentle on yourself.
Be gentle on yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I have been having a hard time. I have missed some work and haven't been getting out of bed. We work at the same office but in different buildings (we're both lawyers and that's how we met). We've been on and off for three years. He is VERY successful and respected at work. And I think he is so embarrassed that I have seen this side of him and worries that I will tell people at work. I have only told a couple of coworkers who are my close friends but they would never say anything.
We have broken up a few times and gotten back together but this is the first time we have actually completely lived together without him having his own house. He lost his house in foreclosure (an indirect consequence of his drinking probably). So with us living together allowed me to see how bad the problem really is and made it hard for him to hide it.
I feel rejected...I know it's not me but it still hurts. Because when I found out he had stopped I went out of my way to help him stick to it...I was making him juice and green smoothies, bought him new running shoes, he was using the treadmill, I was trying to get him into being healthy. I know it's not that simple but I had hope.
He had everything anyone could want living here...cable, internet, treadmill, his own bathroom and shower, treadmill, garage and basement with a work bench for his tools, refrigerator filled with all his favorite food, I made his lunch, cooked for him, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the house. He was paying me rent but it was minimal for what he was getting. It hurts that he would just walk out of here and choose to live in his sister's basement when I was so supportive. Even when I found out he was drinking again, I said, that's ok, we can deal with this. And that same weekend he moved out I know that he was at the St. Patricks Day Parade, meanwhile I could not even get out of bed I was so upset.
I am feeling better every day though, and I know it is a blessing in disguise. I just hope not to get sucked back in again. He has another side to him in which he is smart, funny, engaging and so likeable, which is what attracted me in the first place. So I have a hard time with not wanting to always forgive him and treat it like a disease or a sickness that he can recover from. I always want to believe that people can change but I am learning that they rarely do.
We have broken up a few times and gotten back together but this is the first time we have actually completely lived together without him having his own house. He lost his house in foreclosure (an indirect consequence of his drinking probably). So with us living together allowed me to see how bad the problem really is and made it hard for him to hide it.
I feel rejected...I know it's not me but it still hurts. Because when I found out he had stopped I went out of my way to help him stick to it...I was making him juice and green smoothies, bought him new running shoes, he was using the treadmill, I was trying to get him into being healthy. I know it's not that simple but I had hope.
He had everything anyone could want living here...cable, internet, treadmill, his own bathroom and shower, treadmill, garage and basement with a work bench for his tools, refrigerator filled with all his favorite food, I made his lunch, cooked for him, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the house. He was paying me rent but it was minimal for what he was getting. It hurts that he would just walk out of here and choose to live in his sister's basement when I was so supportive. Even when I found out he was drinking again, I said, that's ok, we can deal with this. And that same weekend he moved out I know that he was at the St. Patricks Day Parade, meanwhile I could not even get out of bed I was so upset.
I am feeling better every day though, and I know it is a blessing in disguise. I just hope not to get sucked back in again. He has another side to him in which he is smart, funny, engaging and so likeable, which is what attracted me in the first place. So I have a hard time with not wanting to always forgive him and treat it like a disease or a sickness that he can recover from. I always want to believe that people can change but I am learning that they rarely do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I am thinking about going to al-anon. Just haven't been able to find a meeting at a good time for me. There really aren't that many near me surprisingly. Which is why I came back on here. I did have a great therapist who was a former alcoholic himself and also a lawyer and a therapist. He totally understood all of my issues and talking to him was so comforting. But unfortunately he passed away and I am currently looking for a new therapist.
One thing that is hard is that friends really don't get it. They obviously think I'm crazy for even having been in a relationship like this - because they really don't understand how the dynamics work - so I really can't talk to them about it.
One thing that is hard is that friends really don't get it. They obviously think I'm crazy for even having been in a relationship like this - because they really don't understand how the dynamics work - so I really can't talk to them about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Good to hear that you are considering al anon and therapist shopping. My therapist was married to an alcoholic. She's great.
I find it frustrating to talk to people who haven't dealt with alcoholism before. I just end up feeling angry and alone. This is where al anon has been helpful.
I find it frustrating to talk to people who haven't dealt with alcoholism before. I just end up feeling angry and alone. This is where al anon has been helpful.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by AmandaOliver 
I have been having a hard time. I have missed some work and haven't been getting out of bed. We work at the same office but in different buildings (we're both lawyers and that's how we met). We've been on and off for three years. He is VERY successful and respected at work. And I think he is so embarrassed that I have seen this side of him and worries that I will tell people at work. I have only told a couple of coworkers who are my close friends but they would never say anything.
Many A's have a very deep sense of guilt and shame about their condition.
Which tends to drive them to drink more. Vicious cycle, and just makes it harder to break.
We have broken up a few times and gotten back together but this is the first time we have actually completely lived together without him having his own house. He lost his house in foreclosure (an indirect consequence of his drinking probably). So with us living together allowed me to see how bad the problem really is and made it hard for him to hide it.
I feel rejected...I know it's not me but it still hurts. Because when I found out he had stopped I went out of my way to help him stick to it...I was making him juice and green smoothies, bought him new running shoes, he was using the treadmill, I was trying to get him into being healthy. I know it's not that simple but I had hope.
He had everything anyone could want living here...cable, internet, treadmill, his own bathroom and shower, treadmill, garage and basement with a work bench for his tools, refrigerator filled with all his favorite food, I made his lunch, cooked for him, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the house. He was paying me rent but it was minimal for what he was getting. It hurts that he would just walk out of here and choose to live in his sister's basement when I was so supportive. Even when I found out he was drinking again, I said, that's ok, we can deal with this. And that same weekend he moved out I know that he was at the St. Patricks Day Parade, meanwhile I could not even get out of bed I was so upset.
But I understand.
I babied Mrs. Hammer for years, myself.
I am feeling better every day though, and I know it is a blessing in disguise. I just hope not to get sucked back in again. He has another side to him in which he is smart, funny, engaging and so likeable, which is what attracted me in the first place. So I have a hard time with not wanting to always forgive him and treat it like a disease or a sickness that he can recover from. I always want to believe that people can change but I am learning that they rarely do.
Then maybe we can go help others?
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