Lorelai

I started detaching from my AH before I even knew what it was - before I knew there were steps - before I knew what AlAnon was about. I think that it was an act of self-preservation for me.

I have been detaching for quite a while now and had a thought that might help someone else.

Maybe, when you were little and you got mad at one of your playmates you would feel like whacking them upside the head and so, you would whack them upside the head. As you got older and wiser, you (hopefully) learned that this was not an appropriate response. It got you in trouble. You may have still felt like whacking someone upside the head but you didn't do it. You found other ways to deal with your anger. I'll bet that today you rarely feel like whacking someone upside the head - maybe occasionally - but you have trained yourself to not even consider that as an option.

To me, detachment is pretty much the same thing.

Detachment is evaluating my response to an emotion I am feeling and acting on that feeling in a way that won't get me in trouble. I may still feel the emotion but I can take the time to decide how I will respond. At first, that might mean walking away from the situation and calming down. Now, when my AH says things to me that I would have responded to by yelling or defending myself, I can just stop and not say anything until I have thought about what I'm about to do.

I went from responding immediately without thinking to responding in a manner that was best for me. After doing that for awhile, I find that my anger is not nearly as strong as it once was and I don't even feel the need to scream and stomp anymore. My reactions were fueling my anger.

Detachment is not about distancing myself from my AH. It is about training myself to CHOOSE my response to my emotions. We do this everyday. If our boss says something that makes us mad, we don't start screaming and threatening. If our friend says something hurtful, we don't punch her. We just have to apply this to our A.

I almost wish there was another word for detachment because, to me, detachment has nothing to do with my AH and everything to do with my own personal peace with my actions and my words.

Just me rambling - L

wontletitgo

I found this very interesting and helpful. Detachment -- as a word -- sounds almost as if it means growing away from (maybe even not caring)--but I see that in this sense it means not getting sucked in at a given moment. This is something I really need to practice, and I can see where it could stand me in very good stead.
It's amazing to me that you started on this by yourself. I think it calls for a great deal of maturity. I find that my automatic mode of self-preservation is detaching in a bad sense (i.e., pulling away, not caring so much, seeing the other person as a bogey man). I realize that when I do this, everything gets very distorted. The other person becomes a "monster" of some kind which, of course, is not what they are at all.
Anyway, very interesting post--made me think a lot.
Hugs.

BlueMoon

Lorelai -
Thank you for taking time to write that! Detachment can be such a slippery topic to really *grasp*. I really appreciate good explanations + varying viewpoints - it helps me ALOT!


Blue

Monalisa

Thank you!! This is great! What I find myself doing is immediately shutting down and not wanting to talk to him. I don't want to say something I am going to regret later.

But I need to do it in a better way.

osier59

Here is a great reading on detachment!

Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II 1/12

Early one morning I stopped to watch a colony of bees. A little intimidated by the frenzied motion and intense buzzing, I reminded myself that if I didn’t poke my nose into their hive, I wouldn’t get stung. If I chose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, I would be fine.

To me, that is exactly the lesson that detachment teaches. The choice is mine. When I sense that a situation is dangerous to my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being, I can put extra distance between myself and the situation. Sometimes this means that I don’t get too emotionally involved in a problem; sometimes I pay physically leave the room or end a conversation. And sometimes I try to put spiritual space between myself and another person’s alcoholism or behavior. This doesn’t mean I stop loving the person, only that I acknowledge the risks to my own well-being and make choices to take care of myself.


Today’s Reminder

Now I know how to end an argument by simply refusing to participate, to turn to my Higher Power for help with whatever I’m powerless to change, to say, “No,� when I mean no, and to step back from insanity rather than diving into it. Detachment is a loving gift, I continue to give to myself and to others.

“If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness.�

Magichappens

My favorite saying lately has been "Life is 10 percent what happens and 90 percent how I perceive it." I am working on perceiving the good in life. It is helping me to appreciate my life and stop living for yesterday and tomorrow. Today is a good day. Hugs, Magic

wakingup

Thanks so much for this. I had the misconception that detachment meant making an emotional break from my husband, and as his addiction has worsened I have essentially iced him out, still loving him, but not interested in feeling the pain anymore. The model of detachment you explained gives me the power to decide how much I react or feel and it gives me a way to control my anger, which was threatening to become all of who I was...

thanks.

Laura_298

Another thanks. A nice, easy to get, take on how to "detach". Very wise.
That emotional maturity you're talking about really does seem to be the answer. And taking back our CHOICES of how we can act.
Awesome.

Thanks again