Trailsky

Hello SR friends,

AH is supposed to move out in a couple weeks. I don't see any action towards this. He hasn't mentioned if he is looking for places, nothing is being packed up, etc.

I have slowly started to transition the bedroom to my room. He is sleeping in the spare room. I do a little each day. For example I moved all his hats to the other room a few days ago and yesterday moved all his books into the other room.

He just isn't doing anything. He is going to work and coming home depressed telling me he has no motivation.

I so badly want to buy boxes and start packing for him. I want to search the net for places he can move into that would fit his budget. I want to control.

It's so hard not to. I feel like if I don't do it for him he will still be sitting on the couch months from now.

What do I do? His name is on the lease so he can refuse to move out. I am trying to keep very distant and detached to keep peace in the house. I feel like if we fight he will refuse to move and right now verbally he tells me he will go.

I was advised not to go stay in a hotel for a few weeks while he moves because if I file for divorce it could be looked at as abandoning the property and he would have more leverage to stay.

I feel lost.

wanttobehealthy

I happen to think this is a case where you could justify "helping" bc it truly harms you to let him do this his way.... The result of his doing it his way is you'll be stuck w him there longer...

lillamy

This is also a case where I would give a buzz to a law office and ask if they can advise you on how to go about this in the best way.

Refiner

Are you proceeding with a divorce as well? I've got a friend in a bad boat trying to divorce his AH. She just got home from the nursing home aka "rehab" where she refused to get help and refuses to sign anything or talk about the divorce he's been trying to get for 4 months now. She does have an attorney and he has filed with his, but she refuses to take phone calls or talk about it let alone sign anything. When this happens, can his attorney take it to a Judge to force it to happen?

lizatola

Who advised you of the abandoning the property thing? I talked to my lawyer and she said that wasn't the case here, but every state is different. I had the same problem when I asked AH for the separation: he stalled, tried different tactics, etc and I realized that I was the one who was going to have to move out when the time came. I suggest you get legal counsel and cover your bases and then take the initiative to move out of the home yourself if that is an option which is feasible and acceptable for you. Doing all the work for him is hurting both of you at this point.

Refiner

I meant his AWIFE that just got home from nursing home.

Trailsky

My therapist advised about the leverage he may get from me moving out for a few weeks. Although she fully supports the split and agrees he should move out ASAP. I think I will contact a lawyer next week.

It seems like whatever I do the scenario in my head all plays the same in the end. Just more ammunition for him to be blame and or be angry with me.

Maybe I should ask if he needs help getting boxes and researching some places?

Lyssy

AAhhgg! I can so relate. In fact, I have to call my attorney today to discuss what I should do.

I decided when I met with her (attorney) that I would not have him (rAH) served, for two reasons - to not humiliate him at work and to hope that we can be two mature adults and work through this amicably. I sat him down a month ago and had the talk with him and gave him a copy of the preliminary decree. This was done on a Saturday afternoon and I think it really blind sided him. I dropped any discussion for the rest of the weekend to give him time to absorb and process. He moved the paperwork from the living room coffee table to on top of the den filing cabinet (out of sight/out of mind) a few days later and has not brought it up again (it was brought up in a tiff regarding filing taxes but I didn't want to muddle the two issues.

I have learned that he will group a bunch of issues all in one "discussion" to keep me confused and unbalanced (manipulation maybe?) so I am really trying to not let that happen right now.

Refiner

Lyssy... does HE have an attorney? Do you know what the rights are of the spouse that wants the divorce if the other spouse refuses to do anything? Does it go before a Judge and he/she makes the ruling for everybody?

FeelingGreat

Hi Trailsky, if he is more putting his head in the sand than actually refusing to move, you could continue to calmly remind him that he's agreed to move and you expect him to keep his word. Another day goes by where he does nothing, be a bit more assertive along the lines of 'I noticed you haven't done any packing. I hope you're not thinking I'll change my mind because I won't'.
At least if you keep this up consistently you will get a response - it may not be the one you want but at least you know where you stand. ATM you have no idea what he's planning, if anything.

Lyssy

He does not have an attorney. I filed. I am not sure if there are any "rights" granted to one party over the other. It won't go before a judge (that I am aware of). We have no children together and, really, only the house and contents as community property. I was just hoping that we could come to an agreement without it getting messy (yeah, right - lol). He may not be drinking, but his thinking hasn't changed much.

Refiner

I'm trying to find out for a friend of mine who's parents are in a stalemate right now. He's filed, the AW refuses to move a finger. It seems the man has a right to move on with his life and this can't go on indefinitely. I just am trying to find out how it all works. I know judges get involved and decide what happens to children when the parents are in a stalemate. I'm guessing the man in this instance has rights and can ask his attorney to go in front of a Judge to get it processes. That's what I'm trying to find out.

wanttobehealthy

Getting served with divorce papers isn't like being arrested on child sexual abuse charges... Getting served with a divorce is pretty common... His being embarrassed really shouldn't stop you from protecting your interests...


I hoped for that too with my divorce... The end result is that the longer I waited, the less he did, the more that had to be forced and the uglier it was when I did finally file.

Is there anything in his current or past behavior that makes you think while he hasn't been cooperative before, that now he will be?

If he could be cooperative and work together you wouldn't be getting divorced... (this advice/perspective was shared with me here and was very helpful)

Typical avoidance behavior which defined my entire marriage and now defines my interminable divorce.... He isn't going to do anything-- you're going to have to file for him to abide by anything you request...

Definite manipulation and control and that way nothing gets resolved bc it becomes chaotic since he cant focus or wont focus on one thing...

Nothing you're describing sounds like HE can cooperate and behave like an adult.. So no matter how much you want that or you can do it, if he can't then you'll be stuck.

I would file and have him served. Then at least you have rights.

AnvilheadII

put up a calendar, circle the date, and then restate his move out date, assertively. given the circumstances it might behoove you start legal proceedings sooner rather than later. too many stories on here about folks who wait entirely too long and by then it's a big ole clusterf*ck.

Lyssy

Sorry I can't help. I would imagine that it is dependent on the state of the divorce. In my case I could have spelled out everything in the decree and had him served and if he wanted to "fight" any of the content of the decree as presented to him he would have to hire an attorney of his own ($$) and countered with his own stipulations, but in our specific case it really makes no sense - the amount of attorney fees in fighting each other would be counter productive for both of us. I would rather just walk away from everything vs. fighting it out with attorneys but I also don't want to end up with sole responsibility of property I am not sure I even want and/or owing him $$.

I will be and am fair, but not to the point of letting him take advantage of me.

Lyssy

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate it. I would file in a heart beat if I could make a decision on the house. I just don't know what to with it.

wanttobehealthy

I filed and had no idea what to do about the house either.... It is not a fast process and filing just sets the ball in motion... And it gives you the right to either choose to stay where you are yourself or leave and either way there is a legal way for him to NOT be there with you...

Trailsky

Lyssy so sorry you are dealing with this too.

I am not ready to file for divorce yet. My hopes are to get him to move out so I can work my NA and al anon program in peace and get some distance from the active drinking. I think a separation will bring clarity and I can make a decision through that. This is the first time in my life I have made the choice to work on me and I know if we continue to live together I will slip backwards. It is harmful to my sobriety to be around drugs and alcohol.

He relapsed in Feb and it's become unbearable to live with. I don't have any time lines or clarity yet. If he decides to work a program and commit to a sober lifestyle I am still open to continuing our marriage.

I just need him to move out.

Thanks for the replies.

I did put the move out date on the calendar and set weekly reminders.

Lyssy

I am up/down on divorce also, but as you can see, it really doesn't matter if it is separation or divorce they won't make it easy.

Can you check with the leasing company to see if you can transfer your existing lease into your name alone?

I completely understand these. This is me too.

I think the procrastination is a way to ensure that they keep some control and they know if we get the break we desperately need and are able to get a clear head - we will leave them far behind in the dust.

For all those lurking - think LONG and HARD about allowing them to "come back." I wish I hadn't after rehab a year ago. If they are serious about getting healthy then they should be willing to put out needs and wants before everything but their sobriety.

But as they say, progress, not perfection.

hopeful4

Can you just tell him that you don't want to have him served but if you don't see any action on his moving you will have to? Dunno...just a thought?

I am in MO, but my attorney told me if I do have him served and he does not respond it will be an automatic judgement for what I ask.

Good Luck and God Bless!